Chapter 15 Ember
EMBER
I woke to my alarm, but it was the bitter taste of stomach acid at the back of my throat that made me sit up.
I dragged myself out of bed and into the shower, letting the hot water run over me while trying to gather the energy to face another day of gossip and speculation.
My breasts ached when I raised my arms to wash my hair, and the nausea that had become my morning companion made my belly churn enough that I had to pause by the toilet for a moment after climbing out.
I dried off and dressed slowly, choosing black pants and a loose gray blouse that wouldn't cling to my chest because I was a wimp and sometimes it hurt to breathe too deeply.
When I looked in the mirror, I saw a woman I barely recognized.
I looked tired and worn out, and it was more than just the stress that was doing it.
The constant whispers that surrounded me were bad, but the fear inside my own thoughts was worse.
In my heart I knew the truth, that I was pregnant with Nate's baby, but I just couldn't force myself to accept it.
And I was too nervous to do anything about it yet, because if this town thought it was horrible enough when they were only speculating a relationship, they'd go nuts over a surprise baby.
It'd only confirm their negative thoughts more.
My phone rang as I was applying concealer to hide the worst of the shadows under my eyes.
My mother's name flashed across the screen, and having not spoken to her in weeks, I knew I couldn’t just ignore her.
It was my tendency to run when things got too challenging, but hiding from Mom had never been a coping strategy for me.
"Hi, Mom," I answered while I continued to dab makeup on my face.
"Ember! I was hoping to catch you before work." Her voice was warm, reminding me of how much I missed being home and seeing my family every day. "How are you, sweetheart?"
"I'm good. Busy with work, but good." I was anything but good, though I didn't want her to worry, so I just faked being happy and hoped she didn't catch the hint of emotion in my tone.
"That's wonderful. Your father and I were talking last night about Thanksgiving, and we wanted to know what your plans were. Will you be able to come home for a few days?"
I walked into my bedroom and sank onto the edge of my bed.
With Hearthkeeper duties I hadn't even stopped to think about how to handle the holidays and going home.
"I'm not sure yet. The Hearthkeeper duties are pretty demanding through the holidays."
"The what duties?"
I'd mentioned the Lightkeeper ceremony in passing during our last call but hadn't gone into detail.
Now I found myself explaining the tradition, the role I'd been assigned, the months of public appearances stretching from July through Christmas.
Spelling it all out for her as I put my shoes and jewelry on was mentally draining and listing off the things I had to do made me feel overwhelmed.
My mother listened quietly, then said, "That sounds like quite an honor, honey. I'm really proud of you."
"It's been interesting."
Interesting was the last word I should've been using, but there wasn’t any other way to communicate how miserable the role made me without sounding like I was complaining. "There's been a lot more press coverage than I expected."
Mom, more than anyone else, understood why I avoided things in the public eye.
She'd been the one beside me as I broke down crying and hiding in my room for days or weeks on end after the Brad situation.
And she'd been the one to put me back together afterward too.
But she was always the voice of reason, and her wisdom always hit the mark, even if it was a hard pill to swallow.
"Well, being honored for community service isn't the same as having your name dragged through the mud," my mother said gently. "I hope you're not letting anxiety get the better of you. You deserve recognition for the work you're doing."
It was ironic that she was right. I, just like any number of people on this planet, deserved recognition for the hard work done, but she was equating apples and oranges.
No, Nate wasn't the driving factor behind this public gossip which was slowly becoming a scandal in the community.
But the stain of whispers felt the same.
"I'm managing," I said. "It's just a lot to balance with my regular job."
"Of course it is. You've always taken on too much at once." She paused, and I heard the sound of dishes clinking in the background. "Are you sure you're all right? You sound tired."
"Just a busy week. I promise I'm fine." No way in heck was I telling her about my other fears yet, not until they'd been confirmed.
But if Mom could tell through the phone how stressed I was, there'd be no hiding it from anyone else.
We talked for another ten minutes about safe topics—my father's retirement plans, my cousin's new baby, the remodeling project my parents were planning for their kitchen.
I tried not to let my swirling emotions cloud my ability to engage with her, and when we finally said goodbye, I sat on my bed holding the phone and fighting the urge to call her back and confess everything.
I finished getting ready and grabbed my coat and bag, locking my apartment door behind me.
I'd made the decision that taking a test was the only way to push the lingering fear of the unknown out the window.
The pharmacy was three blocks from the hospital, right on my way to work.
I'd passed it dozens of times without thinking much about it, but today, I had to make the stop.
My Uber dropped me off out front and I breezed through the automatic sliding doors as confidently as I could muster.
A purple-haired teenager sat behind the register scrolling her phone as I made a move straight for the back of the store where the family planning section was.
I grabbed the first box I saw, not bothering to compare brands or read the packaging.
My hands were shaking as I carried it to the register, and I kept my eyes down as the teenager scanned the barcode and stuffed it into a small bag.
She couldn't care less, but to me it was almost humiliating.
"Twenty-three forty-seven," she said in a bored tone, and I half expected her to recognize me and start asking me questions about Nate.
But she swiped my card and sent me on my way without even so much as a "How was your day?"
I took my receipt and headed up the street to work, but the nausea was getting worse.
I hadn't thrown up from it yet, but some days, it felt like it was a tiny battle just to keep my breakfast down.
Today as I walked into the office grateful that Nate's early board meeting kept him away, I felt like it would be the day I lost that battle.
So I dropped my jacket and purse on my desk and went straight to the ladies’ room with the white paper sack from the pharmacy.
Getting to work an hour earlier than other staff members meant the floor was quiet, most offices still dark.
I locked myself in the single-occupancy bathroom and leaned against the door, clutching the bag to my chest.
The thought of taking the test terrified me.
But the idea of not knowing was even worse.
I was just torturing myself, anyway.
There were more signs that I was pregnant than I had rationalizations for.
My gut knew it was the case, but my heart just felt too heavy to admit it.
This would force me to confront that truth and simplify at least some of those raging fears.
Still, when the press found out, my pregnant body would be splashed across newspapers and gossip blogs.
Photographers would track my every move, watching my stomach grow, speculating about due dates and baby names and whether Nate would do the right thing and marry me.
The humiliation would be worse than San Diego.
At least then I'd been a victim of someone else's cruelty.
This time, I'd walked into the situation with open eyes. I'd chosen to sleep with my boss without protection and the consequences were all mine to bear.
I pulled the box from the bag and read the instructions with shaking hands.
The test itself was simple.
Remove the cap, hold it in the urine stream for five seconds, replace the cap and wait three minutes.
A plus sign meant pregnant.
A minus sign meant not pregnant.
It was the willpower to overrule my fear that was challenging.
But I unwrapped the test and followed the instructions, my mind numb with dread.
When I finished, I set the test on the edge of the sink and washed my hands, staring at my reflection in the mirror.
I didn't know what to do if it was positive because Nate definitely deserved to know.
He'd all but told me he wanted to marry me, and I knew he loved me.
It wouldn’t be right to keep it from him.
However, with the media storm surrounding him right now, waiting until after the holidays were over and his duties as Lightkeeper had passed before springing it on him was the best idea.
At least the circus would've died down and there wouldn’t be cameras in his face.
That way if he did have a negative reaction, it wouldn’t be posted on every gossip blog known to mankind.
I forced myself to wait the full three minutes, watching the second hand on my watch make its slow circuit.
When the time was up, I picked up the test with trembling fingers and looked at the result window.
A clear pink plus sign stared back at me.
I was right the whole time.
I was pregnant with Nate’s baby and my life was about to change forever.