32. Cecelia
Iwas numb. The elevator doors closed, and I was alone. I had no feelings. Everything I thought I knew was wrong. A weird, disjointed calmness took over.
Sterling didn’t care. I had been willing to risk my job, my career for him, and in return, he just looked at me as if I wasn’t speaking English. I wanted to be mad, I wanted to rage and scream and kick. But I felt nothing. I was a little hungry. That’s all.
I stopped by a take-out sushi place, got my favorite crab roll and a bowl of miso soup. They wouldn’t sell me a beer to-go, so I stopped and picked up a couple of bottles of Sapporo from the convenience store on the way home.
I set up my little dinner. The last time I had gotten sushi was to celebrate getting the job. Was this a celebration of my transfer? Or was I celebrating something else?
My insides twisted. There it was, the regret, the sadness. I took a sip of beer, and my insides settled. No, that was not emotional distress. My body was hungry and telling me to hurry up and feed it.
The sushi was good, the soup still warm, and the cold beers wrapped it all up nicely. I felt accomplished. I was large and in charge but had zero motivation. I scanned my apartment. Letting out a heavy sigh, I got up from the table and began cleaning.
I was going to Amarillo for a temporary placement. That meant that I still needed to keep this place, at least until they let me know I was being transferred permanently. I figured that would come in a week or two. Well, if I was going to be gone for a few weeks, I wanted to make sure I came home to a clean apartment.
I’d clean first, and then I’d pack. I had tonight and tomorrow, and then I’d drive up. I needed to be in the office there first thing on Monday. I wasn’t given an opportunity to summarize my case notes on Hector. I had to hand over the files immediately.
Greta had sat in her chair in her office and told me to bring everything to her immediately. I still had that stupid shirt in my hands when I walked out of her office. I moved like a zombie, or maybe a puppet was a better description. I was doing what I was told to do and not taking steps of my own accord.
“I haven’t had a chance to write down today’s update,” I said when I got back to her office, file folder clutched in my arms.
“That will have to be okay,” she said. She held up a slip of paper. “This is the property manager’s number and the address of the company-owned apartment you’ll be staying at.”
I put the file folder down and took the piece of paper.
“Corporate apartment?”
“Yes, we need you there for the week. If we decide to transfer you, of course, at that point, you’ll be expected to be responsible for your own housing.”
“I have a lease. I can’t afford to break it,” I pointed out.
“Relocation services will negotiate getting you out of that if necessary. And they’ll cover the expense as the cost of moving. You’ll be given a moving allowance.”
Shock had rolled in about that time. “But what if I don’t want to move to Amarillo?”
“You want to keep your job, don’t you?”
“Yes, ma’am.” And suddenly, I was the naughty child, and this was my punishment. And it was the worst possible of all outcomes. In that moment, I felt the overwhelming weight of every mistake I had ever made in my entire life.
In full pain and panic mode, I instinctually went to Sterling. His rejection was a deeper shock, and I could no longer feel or care about anything. Now, hours later, it was an effort to shrug and think anything more significant than whatever.
I used my toothbrush to deep clean the grout between the tiles on the tub surround. It wasn’t like I was going to move with an old toothbrush. I was more invested in the results of scrubbing the tub and the toilet in my bathroom than what was going on in my life.
It was late when I finally felt that the apartment was properly cleaned. I stood in the middle of my living room and looked around. What was I supposed to do now? I didn’t want to sit down and mess up the throw pillow organization I had done.
My tummy rumbled again. I ran my hand over it, hoping it would settle down. Maybe I was hungry? I looked at the time. It was late. Deciding bed was the thing to do, I could figure out what to do with the food in the refrigerator in the morning.
The actions I took were logical steps. I felt completely disconnected from any of the decisions I made. I didn’t dream, and I woke up feeling functional about nine hours later. I was already in trouble with work. What were they going to do? Fire me? I wanted to say goodbye to Lucille and Hector. It also was a way for me to clean out my refrigerator. Just about two hours later, I stood on Lucille’s front porch holding a box of everything from my refrigerator and a good portion of the canned goods from my pantry.
“Cecelia? What are you doing here this morning? We don’t have an appointment.”
“Yeah, I’m sorry to take up your time. I wanted to let you know that I’m being transferred, and I won’t be your case manager any longer. I don’t know who they have taking over for me. I hope it”s okay, but I thought of you when I realized I needed to clean out my freezer. I know you’ve been struggling, feeling like you’re always behind schedule, and that groceries have been a challenge.”
“Come in.” Lucille stepped back, and I stepped in, carrying my box to the kitchen.
“I also wanted to say goodbye to Hector. I wanted to tell you myself. I didn’t want you to think I was abandoning you.” The words sounded more emotional than I felt.
“They called us yesterday. But thank you for coming over yourself. This will mean a lot to Hector.”
I followed her to his room. I kneeled down next to his bed and spoke softly. I squeezed his hand, and he looked sad. I felt bad for hurting his feelings. And I felt confused when Lucille hugged me just before I left. Maybe if I had some semblance of emotion, I would have felt sad too. As it was, I went through the motions. I returned Lucille’s hug, I ruffled Hector’s hair. It looked like I cared.
I didn’t care about anything. I was functioning. On the way home, I stopped and got an oil change and had my tires checked. I had a long drive ahead of me.
I packed, leaving behind the gifts from Sterling that wouldn’t be appropriate anyway. My car was ready. I went to bed early and woke up at dawn. Amarillo was only about a six-hour drive, but I needed to be there in a timely fashion to be let into the apartment.
* * *
I wasn’t fully aware of everything I did, and then, I found myself standing in the middle of a soulless apartment with an old Naugahyde couch from the previous century. It was as if I woke up, or a fog cleared. I became aware of everything. My skin hurt. My hair would have been screaming if it could. My stomach roiled, and I struggled to breathe. The pain and loss of everyone was so sharp and fresh. My very soul felt slashed and bleeding.
My sobs were deep, gut-wrenching things that pulled anguish up from my very toes. I collapsed in on myself and folded into a ball in the middle of that wretched apartment in a sketchy building in a questionable part of town.
I didn’t want to be there. I didn’t want to be alone. Why had everyone turned on me? My job, Sterling?
It felt as if Lucille, my client, had been my only friend and I had felt nothing as I left her and her broken little child with a ‘there-there’, distracted pat on the back.
I cried until I needed to throw up. And then I cried even more. I managed to crawl into the bedroom. The bed needed to be made. The mattress was inside a plastic zipped bag. Mattresses in plastic bags were never a good sign. But that didn’t stop me from curling into the middle of it and crying myself to sleep.
I woke up stiff and feeling sick. Monday morning, and I was expected in the local office. I dragged myself through all the tasks of getting ready for work.
I looked for coffee in the kitchen and decided I wasn’t going to use anything in there until I had time to do a top to bottom disinfecting scrub-down. Everything about the apartment seemed to need a thorough scrubbing. I didn’t know if I had it in me or not. I cursed as I slammed cupboard doors closed during my search for cleaning supplies. I was going to need to make a list of everything I needed. Looking at the time, I groaned. Not that I wanted to go to work or clean this place, but I had to be in the office soon, and I didn’t know what the traffic was like in the town on a Monday morning.