Chapter 37
Did she just say what he thought she said?
North studied her. Was it a medical thing? Or something else?
“Because of my father?” Jared whispered coldly.
She nodded. “He . . . sometimes when he . . . he would make me come and he’d . . . oh God. He’d tell me that I must like what he was doing But I didn’t . . . I didn’t like it . . .” She started to break.
And North wasn’t sure he could handle it.
That. Fucking. Bastard.
Fuck . . . during this last week he’d wanted to kill that man over and over again.
In every gruesome way possible.
Jared moved so he was sitting back against the headboard, then he lifted her onto his lap, rocking her slowly back and forth.
North stayed where he was at the foot of the bed, unable to move closer.
“What happens when you try to come?” Jared asked.
“I can’t believe I’m talking about this.”
She was so fucking brave. Far braver than she gave herself credit for.
“I’ve tried lots of different ways, different things,” she said hoarsely. “And nothing works. I get so far and then I see him. I hear the things he’s saying and I just can’t.”
Fuck.
Fuck!
North hated the emotions churning in his gut. He had to work hard to keep his breathing even. But he couldn’t stop his hands from clenching into fists.
“It’s all right,” Jared soothed. “That’s understandable. And no one will force you to do anything that you aren’t ready for. Did you talk to your therapist about this?”
“Yeah. She suggested a few things and I haven’t really done them in a while. I gave up, I guess. I thought maybe it didn’t matter when I would probably never be with someone.”
“What sorts of things?” North asked.
She went red again. Poor baby struggled with this.
“Well, things like yoga and mindfulness exercises to help me feel like this is my body. To be comfortable in my body. Those helped a bit. Self . . . self-exploration. But that didn’t work.
Because I couldn’t get him out of my head.
I almost feel like it was worse than . .
. than if someone was touching me. She told me that if I ever did get into a relationship that I should work on building intimacy before things went further.
Guess I should have mentioned that part. ”
“Probably,” Jared said. “But we should have asked you. We knew what Fergus did and we pushed you into this.”
“No, no!” She shook her head. “I want this. I do. And you didn’t push me.
I’ve been working hard to get him out of my head.
I want . . . well, I’ve always wanted normal.
Ordinary. I want to be able to have sex.
To be intimate. I want to be able to come.
I don’t want him ruining my life anymore than he has. ”
“All right, baby,” Jared said. “But we need to slow things right down.”
Frustration flitted through her face. North could see she didn’t agree. He could understand why. But did she really think she was going to get something normal and ordinary with them?
“Um, she also said to use grounding techniques when I have flashbacks. Like what North did the other day with me.”
North nodded.
“So we take this slow. Lots of intimacy and trust building. And you start doing some yoga and using mindfulness techniques. Whatever that means.”
“I . . . I guess so. Sorry.”
Jared crooked his finger and placed it under her chin. “What you do not do is apologize for something that is not your fault. Understand me?”
“Yes.”
Yes, Sir.
“Yes, Sir,” she replied.
“Good girl. What can we do to help?”
“I don’t know. Like you said . . . intimacy, getting me used to your touch. Being patient.”
“You seem to like Jared touching you,” North said.
“I like when both of you touch me.”
“Is there anything in particular that makes you hot?” Jared asked. “That arouses you?”
“Watching the two of you together is pretty hot,” she blurted out.
North raised an eyebrow. “Is that so?”
“You like watching the two of us?” Jared asked.
“It was meant to be punishment,” North commented.
“Oh yes, it totally was. Uh-huh. Absolutely.” She nodded emphatically. “Absolute punishment. So do I get to watch the two of you again? Only this time as a reward for being a good girl?”
It was a gamble telling them how hot she found them.
One that had paid off, though. She hadn’t been lying. Watching Jared and North together was so freaking hot. It made her all tingly inside.
Hot.
Sexy.
She hadn’t been able to tell them about the scars on her back. She knew she should have.
But then they’d want to know how she’d gotten them. And she just couldn’t bring herself to tell them.
Not yet.
She could barely look at them herself even though they had faded a lot in the last few years.
Her heart raced as she sat on the bed, watching the two of them. North was on his knees in front of Jared, sucking off his big cock.
It hadn’t taken much to convince them.
Her clit throbbed even as her bladder reminded her that she really had to go.
Soon.
She was busy.
There were blow jobs to watch.
Jared threw his head back, placing his hand over North’s head as he came with a groan.
Oh no!
Urgent. Urgent.
She really, really had to pee.
And she’d nearly left it too freaking late. Getting off the bed, she tried to race for the bathroom. But that was difficult with her thighs pressed together.
“Angie? What’s wrong?” Jared said hoarsely.
“Pee! Got to pee!”
She made it to the toilet, thankfully before she had any embarrassing accidents.
That could have been awful.
After using the toilet, she washed up and brushed her teeth. As she was doing her hair, Jared opened the door and walked into the bathroom.
“Eek!” she cried. “Haven’t you heard of privacy?”
“I have.” How could he sound both haughty and amused at the same time?
“Then can I have some? You shouldn’t just walk in on someone in the bathroom.”
“No.”
“No?” she asked.
“No, you can’t have any. Not when you have a history of running from things.”
“I can hardly run when I’m in the bathroom! There’s nowhere to go,” she told him.
“You might have been hiding. You’ve been in here too long.”
“I had to pee and then I brushed my teeth and did my hair. You can’t walk in on someone in the bathroom.”
“When that someone is you, yes, I can.”
Good Lord.
“What if I was pooping?” There. That would make him back off.
He shrugged. “What if you were?”
“Jared!” She stomped her foot on the floor. Then she stared down at it in shock.
“Did you just stomp your foot?” he asked, sounding more amused than horrified.
She was horrified enough for the both of them. “I’ve never done that before.”
“Hmm. Seems your Little might need to come out and play,” Jared murmured.
Was that what she needed?
“What did you think of what just happened?” Jared said, grasping hold of the hairbrush. “Did you find it hot?”
“Of course I did,” she said as he started brushing her hair. “I told you how much I like watching the two of you together.”
The only person who had ever brushed her hair was Keira.
And having her sister brush her hair definitely hadn’t affected her like this. She could feel her body warming at the care he took. The way he gently brushed out any knots, how he moved with sure strokes. Confident and careful.
Was there anything this man couldn’t do?
“So you got turned on?” he murmured. “Did your panties get wet?”
“I didn’t pee myself!” she cried.
It had been close, though. So maybe she shouldn’t be so indignant.
“I didn’t mean that. I meant did your pretty pussy get aroused watching us? Did it get all wet? Did it soak your panties? Were you tempted to make yourself come?”
“Well, yeah, even though I can’t come,” she said breathlessly.
“We’re going to help you get past that, baby.”
“Where . . . where’s North?” she asked.
“He’s making breakfast.” He set the brush down and drew up the front of her pajama top, resting his hand on her stomach.
“Is this all right? Are you scared of me touching you like this?”
She shook her head. “I like when you touch me.”
“You enjoyed me touching your nipples last night? I didn’t scare you?”
“N-no,” she said. “I wasn’t scared.”
“Tell me right away if I do scare you. What if I was to touch you further down?”
Then he moved his hand under the waistband of her pajama bottoms. She heaved in a breath and he stilled.
“Green, yellow, or red?” he asked.
“W-what?”
“Red for I want you to stop. Yellow for slow down. Green for go.”
She swallowed heavily. “Green but bleeding into yellow.”
“Got it.” He simply kept his hand where it was. Letting her feel the heaviness of it. The warmth.
“Are you sure I’m not too much?” she asked.
He withdrew his hand. Shit. Why did she say anything?
Then he turned her to face him. “You are never too much. Anyone that has ever made you feel that way is wrong. So you have some issues with sex and trust? Who the fuck can blame you after everything you went through? I’m impressed you’re doing as well as you are.
What he did to you . . . even if you did orgasm, it wasn’t sex.
It wasn’t pleasure. It wasn’t mutual satisfaction.
Or consensual. He forced that orgasm on you. That is wrong. Understand?”
“I know. My therapist talked me all through that.”
“And it is very different from what we want to do with you. And now, I’m going to kiss you.”
He kissed her gently. Softly. Then he deepened it until her legs were trembling and weak and he had to hold her up.
A small whimper escaped her and he smiled down at her.
“You want more, don’t you?”
“Yes,” she said, expecting him to immediately touch her again. Instead, he drew back.
“Good. But we’re going slow. We’re not rushing. Intimacy and care.”
“I think it might kill me to go slow,” she groaned. “Maybe I am ready.”
He shook his head. “You’re so fucking brave, but we’re not doing anything until we’re entirely certain that you’re ready and not just saying it to please us.”
Was that what she was doing?
Maybe partially. But also she really wanted to have an orgasm. To experience one that wasn’t attached to pain and humiliation and fear.
Little slut likes it, don’t you?
Her breathing came in sharp pants.
“Angie? Are you all right? What is it? Fuck, this is too much isn’t it?” He lifted her onto the counter and moved between her legs.
“It’s not. Sorry. I just . . . sometimes the memories come back to me.”
“We use grounding techniques when that happens. So take a deep breath in. One. Two. Three. Four. Hold. One. Two. Three. Four. Now out. That’s it. Good girl.” He held her hands as he spoke and her heart rate slowed, her breathing growing steadier. “That’s it. Better?”
She nodded. “Yes. Thank you. I just want to be normal.”
“Normal is overrated. None of us are normal here.”
She snorted. That was true.
A wicked look filled his face. “And this just means that we’re going to be touching you. A lot.”
Dear Lord.
That sounded like complete and utter torture!
But definitely the good kind.