Chapter 14
Chapter fourteen
Blake
“Coffee?” I nodded my assent to Duke and tried to drag my eyes away from Holly. “How’s she doing?” I didn’t know how to start. Duke poured the coffee and slid it across, but I barely tasted it.
“She doesn’t want her bunny back,” I said finally.
“She hasn’t touched any of the new toys I got her.
She sits quiet, polite, but it’s like she’s afraid of slipping.
If I ask if she wants to color or play, she just says she’s fine.
She doesn’t even wear the socks I bought her, and her toes are freezing half the time. ”
Duke didn’t laugh. He never did. He leaned back, arms crossed over his chest, and waited. I hated how much I needed to talk about this.
“She told me she doesn’t want to be my Little,” I admitted. “She said she doesn’t need fixing.”
Duke nodded, not surprised. “That happen before or after we got her back?”
I exhaled. “After. She was crying and I tried to tell her I didn’t pity her, but she thinks the toys meant I didn’t see her as a woman. That I just wanted to fix her.”
Duke sipped his coffee, then shrugged. “You ever think maybe she believes she can't have both? Most do. But she’s been told her whole life that needing comfort makes her weak. You don’t unlearn that overnight.”
“She’s embarrassed,” I said. “She looked at Amanda and thinks I want someone polished, confident. Not a girl who sleeps with a stuffed rabbit and hides behind a blanket.”
“She probably thinks you’ll get tired of it,” Duke said. “That’s what Gemma worried about, at first. That I’d get bored and want someone who didn’t need so much, when really it was me that needed her more.”
I met his gaze and understood. Guys like Duke came home and didn't think they deserved anything soft. That their only worth was holding a gun, and when the war was over everyone just wanted to forget.
“I’ll never get tired of her,” I said quietly. “I just want her to be happy. Safe. I don’t care if she wants to color for the rest of her life, as long as she’s not scared anymore.”
Duke smiled, but it was sad. “She’ll believe you. Eventually, but she doesn't think you want more. That it isn't all about a rescue. But you gotta show her. Not just with toys and words. You gotta see her. All of her. Even when she’s angry, or sad, or whatever the hell else she is.”
I glanced over at Holly. She was on the rug next to Gemma, coloring. Gemma had wrapped her in a cloud blanket and she was clutching some ratty dog toy like it was the most valuable thing in the world.
“She looks happy,” I said. “At least for now.”
“Gemma's showing her it's okay to want things,” Duke said. “That’s the difference.”
I stared down at my coffee. “How do I get her to trust it? To trust me?”
Duke shrugged again. “You just keep showing up. Don’t flinch when she’s a mess. Don’t flinch when she’s not. You let her ask for what she wants, even if what she wants changes day to day.”
I nodded, but I wasn’t sure I knew how. “Holly needs everything and then hates herself for it.”
Duke’s mouth twisted. “Sounds like you need her as much as she needs you.”
I snorted. “Its driving me insane.”
Duke grunted, then lowered his voice. “Look, if you ever bring this up I’ll deny ever opening my mouth, change jobs and probably move to a new country—”
I shot him an amused smile. “Yes, Sir."
“Gemma got hung up a lot about sex.”
I gaped. If I’d ever had to guess things my old sergeant could have ever have said to me, sex talk would never have made the list. I felt like I was eleven again and I’d messed the sheets up waking up from a wet dream, and dad had caught me trying to sponge them in the bathroom.
Not that Dad wasn’t totally cool, but I’d still wanted to curl up and die.
I thought about what Duke was saying and told him about the kiss. “There was no way I could have gone there even if she makes me wanna come in my pants like some teenager,” I finished, ruefully.
“And does she know that?” Duke asked, “or was it just another rejection to add to her long list?”
I stared at Duke. There was no other way to put it. “I panicked,” I admitted, “but I didn’t want her to think she owed me anything. Amanda made me feel like a fucking ATM. The last thing I wanted was to make Holly feel like she had to give me something just to keep me happy.”
Duke watched me, dead steady. “You ever told her that? Or just assumed she’d figure it out?”
I exhaled, then thought about it. “I've tried. But every time I get close, she looks at me like a kicked puppy. Like she’s waiting for the hammer to drop.” My throat went tight for a second. “She thinks if she screws up, I’ll reject her. Like everyone else has.”
“But didn’t you?”
I flushed hot and opened my mouth, the denial on my lips, but then I thought about both sides of Holly. My gaze drifted to Gemma. I’d seen her eviscerate a rapist in court until even his defense team gave up, but then I’d seen her like this. Was Holly struggling to combine what she wanted?
“How do you know what Gemma wants?”
Duke grunted again. “Wish I had a fuckin’ crystal ball, but it’s all about giving each other permission to screw up. I sometimes make the wrong call. She might change her mind. Sometimes she wants both.” He smiled to himself. “I’m a lucky bastard that doesn’t deserve her.”
I glanced toward the living room. Gemma had the blanket wrapped around Holly’s shoulders now. They were both coloring, heads nearly touching. I could see the way Holly clung to the edge of the rug, never quite relaxing, always half-ready to bolt.
“She’s scared you’ll let her down,” Duke said. “Or worse, that you’ll leave her the second she lets herself be anything but perfect. Not surprising from what I saw of the parents,”
It hurt to hear it, but he wasn’t wrong. “Is that why she’s trying to convince herself she thinks I only see her this way? Or worse, because I only want her this way, and the second she relaxes I'll get bored?"
Duke just met my gaze and let me work it out.
“I don’t want her perfect,” I muttered. “I just want her.”
Duke’s mouth twitched, almost a smile. “So tell her.”
“She won’t believe me.”
He shrugged. “You keep saying it till she does. And every time she gets scared, even tries to run, you bring her back. That’s the job, right?”
I nodded. It was the job. Even if it felt impossible.
Duke lowered his voice. “You think you’re the only one who’s ever been terrified of screwing this up?
” He paused, looking down at his mug. “Gemma freaked out the first time I I spanked her. She cried for an hour. Said she felt like a child, and that I’d never see her as a woman again.
” He looked up at me, eyes flat and honest. “But she wanted both. She wanted me to take care of her, but she also wanted to be wanted as a woman. You can do both. You just have to make sure she knows it’s not either-or. ”
Heat rolled through me at the thought of Gemma over my knee and I tried to adjust myself unobtrusively. Duke smiled so I didn’t think I’d been successful, but he was decent enough not to call me out on it.
He was right. I just didn’t know how to say it without scaring Holly more.
“She’s never been allowed to want anything,” I said. “She doesn’t even know how.”
Duke nodded. “Then teach her. One thing at a time. No pressure. No expectations. You just show up.”
I thought of Holly, the way she’d looked when I’d brought Banjo to her at her parents’ house. That broken, desperate hope. The way she’d flinched from every soft word, like she couldn’t trust it. Like she was waiting for the real me to show up and pull the rug out from under her.
I stood up, because she was suddenly way too far away, and I wanted her home and in my arms where she belonged. Duke followed me back to the girls and I made our apologies and invited them both over to us after Christmas. Gemma clapped her hands excitedly. “You can show me what Santa brings you.”
I nodded my agreement even though Holly looked quite alarmed, and I knew exactly what I wanted to get her, even if it cost the earth to have it here today.
I’d already decided we were going to have a quiet afternoon.
I had everything for dinner tomorrow and Holly had iced her cake yesterday.
We watched movies in near total silence for a while until the delivery I’d been waiting for and spent a fortune on showed up.
It was already gift wrapped and I sent Holly to the door to sign for it as it was addressed to her.
I desperately wanted Holly to know she was allowed to be both things she wanted, and it was all I could think of to prove to her that I wanted that as well. That I wanted her.
The box was so light in her hands I thought it would float away. She stared at the wrapping, fingers trembling.
“Should I open it?” Her voice was barely there.
“Yeah, baby-girl. It’s for you. You can open it on the couch if you want.” I sat down and patted the space next to me.
She crossed the room, careful not to meet my eyes, and sat with her knees tucked up, blanket over her lap like a shield. Biscuit settled as close to her as he could get. She peeled at the tape, slow, like she expected it to bite.
The first box was pajamas. Flannel, baby-blue, with teddy bears and yellow hearts. She gasped, actually gasped, and pressed the fabric to her cheek. She looked up at me, eyes shining and almost afraid to hope. “They’re really soft.”
I nodded. “Thought you might like them. There’s another box, too.”
Her hands shook so bad she almost dropped the second box. This time, when the lid came off, she just stared.
It was black. Lace, silk, tiny pink bows. A babydoll. Sexy as hell, but not trashy. She touched the bow, then jerked her hand back like it burned.
For a second she didn’t say anything. I waited.
Finally, she whispered, “This is for me?”