17. Sunny
17
SUNNY
I heard the shouting, Dad going off on Carter, but I didn’t stop to intervene. I was too upset to listen to any of it or deal with it. I walked straight to my room and shut the door, collapsing on my bed in a heap of emotion and tears. Only moments later, I heard the door slam and Dad’s angry stomping in the hallway.
My door burst open, and I blinked my eyes open to see through blurry, teary vision that Dad stood with a glare on his face in the doorway. He seemed larger than normal, like those times when I was a kid and I’d done something wrong, and he put the fear of God in me with nothing more than an angry expression.
“Soleil, what were you thinking? The man is twice your age. You can’t go sleeping around with?—”
“Stop!” I spat, forcing myself upward. My stomach rolled again, threatening to force more bile up, and the toast Carter insisted I eat. I was done—sick of him telling me what to do, where to live, what to think or feel. I had enough. “Dad, you can’t keep getting in the middle of my life. I’m not a child anymore. I’m twenty-eight years old. I’ve lived on my own for almost ten years, and I’m only back because of what happened.”
“Soleil, I?—”
“No,” I said, cutting him off again. “No, I’ve had enough. I know you care, but I am my own person, and I’m not listening to you anymore. You can’t fix me up or control my life. And you don’t have a say in who I date or what I do.” Hot tears burned my eyes and cheeks. I was supposed to be grieving, not fighting my parents. “I just found out why Kira died, and I’m really upset, but all you care about is the fact that I was out with Carter. Can’t you see how messed up that is?”
“Soleil, I’m sorry, I just…” Dad’s words failed him for the first time in my entire life.
“Please leave my room, and please stop nosing into my life.” I waited as he backed out of the room just as angry as he’d come in, but he didn’t say another word. I’d made my point, though I didn’t know how well it would stick later on when I had to sit across from him at dinner and look him in the eye.
I couldn’t believe what Mrs. Baker told me about Kira. If only she had known that her body wasn’t handling her blood sugars correctly and that because of it her kidneys were already struggling, she would be alive. I should’ve known, and looking back I blamed myself because the signs were there. Her constant sense of thirst, being fatigued and bleary-eyed, the way she said her fingers tingled sometimes. All signs of high sugar I should’ve pointed out and never thought about.
Sobs wracked my body so hard I never heard when Mom walked in. She curled up behind me on the bed and wrapped her entire body around me like I was a little girl again. I felt the tissues she shoved into my hand and wiped my nose, but nothing would ease this ache. This all came down to something very preventable. And on top of all of this, throwing up this morning at Carter’s house only made my very real fears even more palpable.
“Hey, baby, it’s okay. Listen, take a deep breath, okay? This isn’t good for your health. Your blood pressure has to be so high right now.” Mom sat up and brushed hair out of my face. Obviously, she’d heard the news too, or she’d be asking what’s wrong. Or maybe she heard Dad screaming at Carter. I didn’t know.
“Mom, she should be alive,” I whimpered, dabbing my face again. I hadn’t felt this amount of pain in weeks, and it was all too much. I blurted out, “Mom, I’m not okay. I’m worried.”
She reached for more tissues from the box on my nightstand and shoved them into my hand with a look of confusion. “What’s wrong, dear? Is it because of what Dad said?” She shook her head. “I heard…I’m not sure what to think. Dr. Price is well?—”
“Mom, please,” I whimpered. “Don’t lecture me. I’m really freaking out.”
Mom stopped and held my hand for a second. With my free hand I wiped my face again. “The heart wants what it wants, Sunny. I can’t tell you not to feel things. I just want to caution you that you’re grieving right now, and if you saw things more clearly maybe?—”
“Mom, my God,” I hissed. At least she wasn’t lecturing me. “I think I’m pregnant.” The truth blurted out sounded a lot harsher than the way I wanted it to come out, but it was alive now, swimming around this room and her brain.
“Oh dear,” she sighed. “Okay, well…” Mom nodded a few times and smiled politely, then looked into my eyes and said, “Sunny, life has a funny way of working things out, alright? So, let’s not get too worked up right away.”
The tears finally slowed enough for me to catch my breath and think about things. It felt so bittersweet thinking I may be bringing a life into this world on the heels of losing my best friend, like she was passing her soul to me for safekeeping. And sitting in this silence with my mother not criticizing me allowed me the space to process things.
“I’m a little scared.” Honestly, I was terrified. Carter made it clear he didn’t want kids. I was dumb to think he’d be happy about this at all. He would think I was a foolish immature woman, and he’d be furious. Not to mention his own fears—how could I do that to him? Trigger his PTSD from losing his child?
“Alright, well the first thing we do is get a test to clear the air. We can’t react until we have facts.” Mom nodded solemnly and stood up, letting my hand drop to my lap. “Don’t worry, I won’t tell Dad, at least not right now. You’ll have to do it though, because he’s a smart man, Sunny.” She clicked her tongue at me. “I’m surprised he didn’t figure out you were seeing Dr. Price when we had that dinner and you rushed off all flustered.”
“You knew?” I asked, peering up at her.
“I suspected…” Mom winked and walked to the door. “I’ll be back. You just rest.”
I rolled back onto my side and curled up, pulling the comforter over my head. If Mom let it slip to Dad, for sure Dad would go right to Carter and tear his head off again. This whole thing was a huge mess at a very bad time. I couldn’t even take care of myself properly. How would I care for a baby? And what would Carter think anyway?
Mom said not to react without facts, but there was no way I was stopping this panic from consuming every ounce of energy I had left. I closed my eyes and prayed to whatever god was listening that he could make this all nothing but a bad dream I would wake up from. I couldn’t handle any more loss in my life right now. I wanted Carter by my side for a long time, not running away flaming mad.