17. Sofia
SOFIA
Ican’t even cross my legs.
We must have gone at it for hours and in the end, I was both sated and sore as fuck.
And when he was finally spent, we just lay spooned together on the bed with him still inside me, his chest on my back and breathing hard in my ear.
Afterward, he got out of bed and without word to me, went to my bathroom and ran me a bath, even put some fragrant oil and Epsom salt in it.
He stayed until I was soaking in the warm water, then he left. He even locked the door behind him.
Funny how he seems so committed to taking care of me, even after what I did. Even after my ‘punishment’. I soaked for a long time, running it all back through my mind, moment by moment.
He was really hard on me for attacking his man, and honestly, his reaction was valid. Going off the rails like I did… If he had decided to shoot me right then and there in the hallway, he would have been right to do it. In fact, he probably would be praised for it.
But he didn’t. He chose to punish his little fuck toy instead. But after that…
That’s the one part I’ve been trying to figure out.
I can’t quite pinpoint the moment when it turned.
One second, I was helpless under his will and then the next thing I knew, we were wrapped in each other’s arms, making love.
Maybe it turned the moment we kissed, I don’t know.
All I know is that the energy around us changed on a dime.
I’m sitting on a pillow on a bench in the garden while Luka plays with a flying bird toy that he told me he was given for his last birthday. He chattered on and on about it as we walked out here. “See, you have to make sure not to throw it against the wind, or you’ll break the wings.”
I’m watching him as he pauses, holding a hand up to test which way the breeze is blowing before he throws the little plastic bird again.
It catches the wind, mechanical wings flapping as it rides the wind.
Maybe if Titus will allow it, I’ll take him to the park later this afternoon.
Not really sure how much he will or won’t allow right now, given the fact that we haven’t even spoken to one another since last night.
Our relationship is definitely changing and it worries me.
I’m not some dewy-eyed teenage girl with visions of grandeur about his being my white knight someday.
I know my role in his life. It’s not like whatever this is was ever meant to go anywhere.
I mean, I still have the knife I stole from the kitchen under my bed.
And if I were ever going to finally take my revenge, last night would have definitely been the time.
I guess the heart of what I’ve been trying to figure out is if I’ve changed my mind about him. Maybe I have. And if that’s so, then what the hell am I thinking? I’m not foolish enough to believe that suddenly, he’s going to want to marry me. And even if he did, I’d be a damned idiot to ever accept.
He still killed my father and is responsible for my brother’s death. I’m well within my rights to avenge them. I should avenge them.
So, why is that the last thing I want to do?
Luka throws the plastic bird into the air and it flies off for a few yards.
He darts after it, his face turned up to the sky while his golden curls bounce with the movement of his feet.
Despite his unusual upbringing, he’s a sweet and thoughtful boy.
Nothing like a child raised in a Bratva.
Nothing like Adam and I were. Well… I guess he’s not really been raised in one.
Not like we were. He’s been stowed away in secret.
Titus said that Ignat knows about him, and I wonder what he’s been telling the brotherhood, if anything at all.
I know when I go to the park, I’m being watched.
I think it’s Ignat doing the watching, but what if it’s not?
What if the brotherhood has somehow found out about Luka?
Or maybe if they do wonder, maybe they think that he’s mine.
“Did you see that?” Luka shouts as he runs back to me, his toy in hand. “Did you see how far it went?”
“I saw it,” I say. “That was pretty sweet.”
He runs right up to me, out of breath, his face flushed. “Yeah,” he says. “I wish I could show Olivia.”
I raise my eyebrows. “Olivia? The little girl with the pigtails?”
He nods. “I told her about it and she said she wanted to see it fly.” His smile fades a little as he looks down at the toy in his hands. “I can’t bring it to the park, though. Too many trees. If I lose it, I don’t know what I’m gonna do.”
He sits down next to me, turning the toy over in his hands. “Wish Dad would let me have friends over. Olivia says that her mom sometimes lets her have friends over.”
“Yeah, that’s not exactly possible, kid.”
Luka swings his legs for a few moments before saying, “Maybe you could ask him? He likes you.”
My face flushes and I have to look away. “He tolerates me,” I tell him. “There’s a difference.”
“Nah.” He laughs. “He likes you.”
I just chuckle. I feel like I’m a schoolgirl. “You hungry?”
He nods and his smile returns. I take his hand and we walk back to the house.
It’s after lunch and I left Luka in his room to catch up on his reading.
As I walk down the hallways, I suddenly realize the normal rhythms of the house are different.
I can hear the movements of the staff downstairs in the kitchen, cleaning up after us and going about the process of planning dinner.
I can even hear some of them in the living room, talking as they clean.
What I don’t hear are Titus’s movements. If I’m out of my room around this time, he’s usually somewhere in the house. Typically, I hear the bass of his voice through the walls or pick up the scent of his cologne. Sometimes, I’ll even hear his footfalls across the marble floors.
Today, there’s none of that. There’s not even the vaguest sense of his being home.
The smart thing to do right now is to go back to my room. I should really keep my head down from this point on, all things considered.
I should. But then again, I’ve always been really bad at doing things that I should be doing.
I can’t shake the feeling that Titus has changed his mind about me. Or he’s at least considering a change of course with me. I sort of feel like it’s in my best interests to find out where his head is at so I can be prepared. That would be the intelligent move, would it not?
The two most important places in this house for him are his office and his bedroom and I’m closest to his bedroom, so…
I change direction and leave the hallway that leads to my bedroom and into the main hallway.
I’m not sure which of these doors is his room, but I’m kind of hoping whichever one it is, it’s unlocked.
The main hall is the one right before the long hall leading to the landing and I’ll be able to hear anyone who might be coming up the stairs.
So very quickly and as quietly as I can, I open the doors and peek into the rooms, one by one.
The first two doors are unfurnished rooms. Just blank walls and untouched carpets. A couple of them have beds in them without sheets. It’s laughable that he lives in a house large enough to have rooms that he’s never bothered to pay any attention to.
I get to the third door and turn the knob.
It opens and I get a whiff of his cologne—sweet and musky with a little twist of Bergamot.
The only other scent I smell on my sheets at night.
The room itself is all him. The bed is huge with plush pillows and a white comforter that looks more mountain range than blanket.
The headboard has scenes of ships and ancient looking Russian cities carved in it.
The whole thing looks like something out of a museum.
Hell, for all I know, it is something out of a museum.
The rest of his room looks a little Spartan, all things considered.
A dresser made from the same wood as the bed frame, though there aren’t any intricate scenes from Russian history carved into it.
Two wooden nightstands on either side of the bed, one side with an alarm clock, a glass half empty with water, and a book.
I walk over and glance at the book to see the title is in Russian.
It reads Nightwatch. Hmm. A book about vampires that was popular around the time I was born.
I walk around the room and note a desk in the far corner by one of the windows. If there’s anything to find, it would definitely be there.
I sit down at the desk and start opening the drawers. Nothing in the first couple except paper, pens, a few utility bills…
The middle drawer is locked. Weird. I don’t have my safety pin on me, but there must be something in here that I can pick this lock with. I look up at the desktop, over the calendar blotter and to the small cup full of pens.
The handle on a ballpoint is crude, but it’ll do in a pinch. I find one and break the handle off, then go about the task of picking the lock.
This drawer is full of letters. I pick up one of the topmost ones. The notebook paper has started to turn yellow with age. The little blue lines are fading a little, but the blue pen that the author used to write still sticks out.
Titus,
I’ve been thinking about you since you left this morning.
Well, I’ve been thinking about the conversation we had.
I should probably tell you that the last thing I was going to do is write this letter to you, but this is probably safer than texting or calling you.
Paper can be destroyed. Digital lasts forever.
If you recall, I asked if you thought this relationship was worth all the trouble it could cause if we ever went public.
I probably shouldn’t have asked you that expecting any kind of answer.
I mean, this whole thing started as just fun, right?
The two of us messing around in broom closets at the courthouse or in bathrooms at the bar… It’s all been very exciting.
Things have changed, though, haven’t they? Maybe I’m crazy in thinking so, but I feel like things aren’t the same between us as they were before. I’m thinking that you might feel something deeper for me than you’re ready to admit, and that’s a problem. A real problem for both of us.
You asked me and I didn’t have an answer. I’m going to give you one now. If we went public, I would be impeached. Disbarred. My entire legal career would go up in flames. I’ll be honest. I don’t know if I can give up everything that I’ve worked for.
But you? They don’t just fire Bratva bosses, do they? It’s a lot more serious than that.
I think that before we go any further, we need to talk this through. Fearlessly. It doesn’t have to be today, but it should be soon. We can’t go on without discussing what comes next, if anything.
Call me when you’re ready. Until then.
— Angela
P.S. I meant what I said last night, even if you can’t say it back.
I pause over the last line, then look at the other letters. These are letters from a past relationship. Luka’s mother, maybe? I pick up another one.
Titus,
So, that man that you were with today was the Ignat you talk about? He’s not at all what I expected and exactly what I expected all at the same time. The way he looked at me was telling, though. I’m sure he’s told you that he’s not a fan of us being together.
I can’t say that I blame him. He’s clearly looking out for your best interests. You’re lucky to have someone in your camp loyal enough to you to be honest about that. You’d be surprised how many people in my office would love to see me crash and burn…
This letter seems much more casual. And as I thumb through the others, I can see a lot of that playfulness in her tone. I wonder if he ever wrote her back. Or if he got the letters and just called her to talk. Seems like something he’d do. I pick up another letter.
Titus,
I’ve thought about everything you said over dinner and I think you’re right. I hate that I have to admit that, but after thinking about it, I can’t really deny the truth when it’s right in front of my face.
You and I together don’t make sense. We just don’t. I’m a District Attorney. If anyone ever found out about us
We don’t have to rehash everything, and I’m not going to force you to do it.
You made it very clear what the danger is and how we’ve been so careless.
At the very least, this baby deserves better than living a life of constant fear.
So, I’m deferring to you in this. We’ll split up now and choose safety over love.
But just because we can’t be together, that doesn’t mean I can just turn off my feelings for you. I love you, Titus Malkin. And I’ll always love you.
—Angela
Whoa. Titus was messing around with a D.A? And the baby… Luka’s mother was the D.A.? That might actually be a worse than being a rat. Are all these letters from her? Why would he keep something like this around? Why didn’t he do as she suggested and destroy them?
Oh, but no. He can’t destroy these letters. This is Luka’s mother. Maybe there is a future where he can find out about her in some way. I’ll bet these letters are all he has of her.
I look through the countless letters until I come across a photograph. It’s from one of those photobooths on the boulevard. Titus sits with a sort of smirk on his face in the first one. A beautiful woman with long, blonde curls sits on his lap, leaning into him with a lazy smile.
The next few are just as sweet, and dare I say, wholesome. The longer I look at the photos, the more I see Luka. The same sparkling blue eyes and the same shade of butter blond ringlets—
“What the hell are you doing in here?”
I jump as the bass in Titus’s voice rumbles through the room. I turn to see him standing in the open doorway, his eyes wide with both surprise and anger.
And here I am sitting at his desk with one of his keepsakes in my hand.
Shit.