Chapter 19
Death is a given. People live until they don't anymore, it's the circle of life.
I thought Death and I made peace after I lost my mom. I thought I was scared of nothing. I thought I was invincible, untouchable, unshakable.
I was wrong.
I've picked at my nail beds until they've began to bleed. How do they expect me to give a speech? He's dead because of me. He died saving me.
Dagger's ring-covered calloused hand grabs mine that was resting atop the hem of my black dress, bringing the back of my hand to his lips and placing a gentle kiss there. I know he grabbed my hand so I'd quit picking at my nails.
Nail picking has been an anxious habit of mine since I was very young. Dad was the one that always picked up on it though, always grabbing my attention and taking my mind off of whatever was stressing me.
I wish he was here now. He'd know what to say, he always knows what to say at the funerals of club brothers. He always knew exactly what to say in every situation.
What's the saying again?
‘A funeral always hits hardest from the front row.’
Whoever said that knew what they were talking about.
I stare at the hole dug right next to the clubhouse, my mind making the sound of Swiss's voice sound like TV static as he stands by the hole behind a table decorated with candles and many other sentimental items.
Its club tradition, everyone speaks one at a time and gives something sentimental to the deceased for them to be buried with so they can be at peace knowing that they will always have a piece of us with them. That and each person gives a dime to pay the Ferryman for his safe passage.
"You were the best damn president this club has seen, Razor. Seriously, you could feel the ambition radiating off of him. You could just tell he was born to lead, and he never steered us wrong. Loyalty forever." Swiss says, choking up on the last two words before he sets down an old worn-out pack of cards and a dime.
Those must be their poker cards. I know Dad used to beat his ass at cards all the time. Dad was a card shark, but what can I say he learned from the best. Pops taught him everything he knew. I remember he always won because Swiss would bitch about losing every time he played against Dad, before asking me for a beer.
Looks like that's my cue, everyone's eyes shift to me as I get up from my fold-up metal chair and walk through the grass to where Swiss is standing and hug him.
No tears. I tell myself as I try to control my emotions so I can get through this.
I'm last to speak, everyone has been waiting for me to get up and take my turn for a while, but I couldn't gather the courage until now. I can tell by the looks on people's faces that they're waiting for me to break, and it's taking everything inside me not to.
"I didn't know what I was going to say today. I've been wracking my brain, asking myself what he would've wanted to hear from me and only one thing has crossed my mind," my voice cracks with a bit of emotion, my eyes welling but I force back the tears as I continue.
"His last words to me were I'm sorry. It wasn't until today that I realized I'll never get the chance to repair and rebuild our relationship. It wasn't until today that I realized that I'll never hear his laugh, or get to hug him again. Worst of all it wasn't until today that I realized he’ll never know that I've forgiven him for what he did to me. He'll never know that it's okay and that I'm okay and I'm not mad at him anymore. My dad has always had a strange way of showing me that he cared, but I never once questioned if he loved me. We never expect to lose the people we love. Loss is unexpected... He's gone because of me and for that, I want to say from the bottom of my heart to every club brother here that I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry." Tears flow for a moment without me realizing before the ache in my chest cracks open and swallows me. I'm not even sure if my eulogy made sense at all and frankly, I couldn't care less. I know Dad heard me.
I set Mom's leather jacket on the table before setting a dime into the pile with the others.
Bending down and grabbing a handful of dirt, I drop it into the rectangular hole on top of the pine box containing my dad’s remains. I stand there staring at it, waiting to wake up from this nightmare. It doesn't happen though, no matter how hard I wish for it to.
I stand there for a while disassociating before Dagger walks up and grabs my hand, kissing the side of my head.
"He knows." He whispers into my hair, referring to my speech.
"It's not your fault you know?" He continues.
"Please don't, not today. I don't want to hear any logic. I lost both parents, both to the Reapers. Both protecting me." He nods and just stands there giving me his silent support. It wasn't until this moment that I realized how much I rely on him and how much of a rock he's become for me over the past several months. When I was younger he was an important pillar in my life, but now it's in a different way and it's really snuck up on me.
***
Dagger
I carried Moon upstairs to my room a couple of minutes ago, she got so drunk that she couldn't walk before falling asleep face down in a bowl of peanuts on the bar top. I can't blame her though. It's a rough night for everyone.
It's always hard to lose a brother, but Razor was more than a brother. He was the heart of this Charter.
I take a long sip from my beer as Pyro walks up, taking the seat next to me. Penny the club whore quickly slides him a beer from behind the bar.
"So looks like you're president now, congratulations man," I say to Pyro, meaning it genuinely. He winces at my words.
"You and I both know if anything happened to Razor he always wanted this club to go to you. He knew no one else would love and nurture it the way he has over the last twenty years other than you. Y'all kept this club afloat after Porky." I point to my Cut I have on that's completely patch-less. I wore it because this piece of leather has seen every single moment of the last twenty years I've spent at Razor's side.
"As you can see I'm no longer vice president, I was stripped of my patch remember? Which means since there was no other elected VP and you're the Sargent at arms, so that makes you-"
"I know how it works Dagger, I'm saying I shouldn't be. It should be you."
"You deserve it Pyro, you really do brother, seriously. I know you'll preserve the values of this club and stick to the bylaws. You'll make a damn good president." Pyro shakes his head no before tossing back the rest of his beer.
"Church at first light, be here." He says before getting up from his stool and heading upstairs to his room.