Chapter Seven
Dagger
Throwing my pen down on my desk, my hand went to the back of my neck to rub away the aching tension.
I’d been working on costings for the last hour, but the numbers hadn’t made sense for most of that time, not because they were wrong. I just couldn’t concentrate. My mind was set on everything going on with the club, the mayor, and the Sinners. But mainly, my thoughts were filled with Elise and how she was affecting me.
It was like the floodgates had been opened, and all the pent-up emotions I’d pushed down for decades were rising up and choking me. I couldn’t believe how badly I’d fucked up and how desperately I needed another chance with the only woman I’d ever loved.
I couldn't sleep, because every time I closed my eyes, she was all I could see. Elise was a distraction, and I needed my wits about me if I was gonna outsmart Henderson and keep the club safe.
With a frustrated sigh, I leaned back in my chair, my hand still clasping my nape.
The compulsion to go to Elise was overpowering, but my fear of pushing her too far, too fast, made me keep my ass in my chair. I knew myself well enough to also know I’d pressure her, and after the shit my Duchess had been through, she needed space to heal.
I had to handle her with care and let things progress naturally. I was confident her hanging around Sophie, Belle—and even Atlas would help, along with the ol’ ladies and kids. My club was filled with good, and I knew she’d eventually revert back to the warm girl I knew still existed behind all the walls she’d built around her heart over the years.
The same walls I intended to shatter.
I’d seen flashes of my Leesy over the last week, but sadly, not many.
After everything she’d endured, her wounds couldn’t be fixed overnight, though they would be fixed someday. I’d make sure of it.
In the meantime, I had to run the club, win a war, and take down a human trafficking ring, all while keeping every man, woman, and child safe.
My elbows hit the table, and I buried my head in my hands.
Fuck, shit, fuck.
Somebody knocked loudly on my office door.
My head came up, and I called, “Come in.”
The door cracked open, and Abe’s head popped around. “You okay, Dagger?”
I dropped my hand and slumped back into my chair again. “It’s a fuckin’ shit show, brother.”
Abe studied me briefly before stepping inside and closing the door. “Reckoned you’d be overthinkin’ shit.” He sauntered over, his stare holding mine while parked his ass in a chair. “What’s eating you? The club, the mayor, or Elise?”
I let out a humorless laugh. “All three, and then some. It’s coming from all angles, brother.”
Abe shrugged. “Nothin’ you haven’t handled a hundred times before.”
“Maybe not,” I concurred. “But I’m fifty-five years old. When’s it gonna come easy?”
Abe leaned forward, elbows to knees, and looked me dead in the eye. “I remember you drivin’ hell-for-leather into the old parkin’ lot at the farmhouse, ready and willin’ to take on an entire club of brutal fucks, includin’ Bandit. The club was savage back then, and you didn’t give a fuck, so don’t sit there tryin’a convince me you can't deal.”
“Never said I couldn’t deal,” I muttered. “My point is, I’ve paid my dues. I should be on my bike doin’ a tour of the country with Elise plastered to my back. Instead, I’m stuck here, trying to figure out tactical maneuvers and defense strategies against a rival club with a score to settle, while I figure out the best way to keep my men breathing and our women and kids safe. As if that wasn’t enough, I’ve discovered the love of my life—who married another man while I was presumed dead—was actually manipulated into it. Then she gave birth to a daughter I never knew existed and has been searchin’ for her for years while also workin’ with the Feds to bring down her piece-of-shit abusive husband.” I rolled my lips together and shook my head disbelievingly. “What does Atlas call us?‘Days of Our Biker Lives?’”
Abe’s lips twitched.
I let out a snort.
My bud chuckled.
Within seconds, the sound of us both roaring with laughter filled the room.
Abe pointed at me, bent double and busting a gut. “I—I remember when you died,” he wiped his eyes, “everyone was fuckin’ distraught. Then Bandit gets a call saying you’d turned up.” He howled. “His heart nearly gave out.”
I barked out another loud laugh. “A unit of Brits found us. Can you fuckin’ believe it? Kept in a cave in the middle of the desert for months, then along comes a damned Englishman to haul my ass out.” Swallowing down my laughter, I cast my mind back and suddenly sobered. “When Dad turned up and told me about Mom, I knew deep down she died ‘cause of me.”
Abe’s body jerked as if my words physically punched him. “No. John. She had high blood pressure and wasn’t taking her meds regularly. She was a tickin’ time bomb. Connie always sang to her own tune. She’d kick your ass if she heard you blaming yourself.”
The back of my eyes prickled. “I never got to say goodbye, Abe. All I prayed for while I was in that hellhole was to make it home to Mom and Leesy. God was playin’ tricks on me that day, brother. I thought my prayers had been answered. Instead, He saved me but took them both away. For a long time, I wished I’d died instead. The day I lost Elise, somethin’ inside me broke, and I didn’t know how to glue it back together. My wedding to Adele went by in a blur. All I remember was the lump in my throat that wouldn’t go away. Then Cash was born, and suddenly, life had meaning again. Maybe I should’ve ended my marriage sooner. It was selfish to keep her; every day, I watched her light dim more, but after losing Mom and Leesy, losing my kids would’ve ended me.”
Abe nodded along, deep in thought. “I was there, John. Saw you that day. You were on autopilot. Knew then, it was all coming on top.”
“I was a mess,” I admitted. “The night I met Adele, it was all still so fresh. I went away to find myself and came home a father-to-be.”
Abe smiled wryly. “You don’t do things by halves, that’s for sure. But you were lucky it was Adele. She was—is— a good woman and a good wife and mother.”
“Dell’s one of a kind,” I concurred. “She gave me what I needed exactly when I needed it. That woman never once pressured me. We were close friends, but at the same time, there was always a disconnect, too.”
“She wasn’t Elise,” Abe stated.
Emotion burned the back of my throat, and I nodded, unable to speak.
“What’s next,” Abe asked.
The words hit me square in the chest because, for the first time in my life, I didn’t have a plan. I knew I wanted Elise more than anything; I just didn't know how to go about getting her.
When I was twenty-one and Elise was eighteen, we had the world at our feet, but even then, there were obstacles. We came from very different worlds, and they were so far apart that it was easy to believe she was too good for me, especially with the way the MC was back then.
Club life wasn’t as brutal as it was in Bandit’s day, but still, there always seemed to be some kind of threat hanging over our heads.
Was it fair of me to subject Elise to even more bullshit?
Abe cocked his head curiously. “What’s holding you back?”
“The club and the danger that comes with it,” I told him honestly.
Abe sent me a glare. “Bullshit. She’s livin’ a more dangerous life with Henderson than she would with us. You can convince yourself she deserves better, John Stone, but you’re not convincing me. You’ve got a chance to get everythin’ you ever wanted after years of feelin’ like somethin’ was missing, and your ass is clenchin’ like a motherfucker. It’s okay to admit it; we all get scared sometimes. But have faith and remember you don’t gotta be everythin’ to everyone, John; you just gotta be you. She loved you , and she still loves you . Elise never cared about club politics; she only ever cared about you . A woman doesn’t go through years of suffering to protect a man she doesn’t give a fuck about.”
“Elise needs handling with care,” I argued. “That’s not me.”
Abe rolled his eyes. “Again, I call bullshit. One thing Elise Bell has proved to every one of us over the last thirty years is that she’s badass. What she needs is for you to stand up, be the man I know you are, and finally fuckin’ claim her. End of story. Your hogwash excuses are precisely that—hogwash.”
I opened my mouth to deny my bud’s accusations, but nothing came out. Instead, my skin prickled with unease as Abe’s words sunk in deep.
You’ve gotta chance to get everythin’ you ever wanted after years of knowing somethin’s missing.
As much as I detested myself for admitting it, he was right. Ever since Adele left, deep down, I knew Elise was there for the taking, but I hadn’t done it.
“Being happy with Elise means goin’ back and reprogramming everything I believe in, Abe. Thirty years ago, I met a shy, beautiful girl, and all I ever wanted was to protect her. When I left for the Marines, I thought she’d fall apart. Deep down, maybe I even hoped for it because, at least that way, I could swoop in and save her. Then she blossomed without me, and it knocked my ego on its ass.”
Abe nodded understandingly.
“I wrestled back control by telling myself she couldn’t handle the dark side of military life,” I continued. “It was why I initially lied when I trained to be a sniper. Then, I tested her by coming home and behaving the same way as my brethren.”
“The boys back then stepped out on their women, John,” he pointed out. “You didn’t.”
“No,” I agreed. “But I still let Leesy find me in situations that weren’t respectful. I kept testing her, and the fucked-up thing about it was—I wanted her to fail because my dad made subtle hints about Elise not being strong enough to handle the MC lifestyle. Beneath my bravado, I think a part of me believed him.”
“Don Stone was never wrong,” Abe muttered, sarcasm lacing his tone. “So how could he be wrong about Elise?”
“Exactly. The day I left her, I set her up for failure, and I was an asshole because a part of me knew I was fucking everythin’ up. I didn’t have to leave town; joining the Marines was never a calling the way it was with Kit—it was an excuse. I would’ve been just as valuable to the club if I’d stayed and learned from Dad. The Marines never taught me my skills; Pop did, and everything I learned later came naturally to me.”
“Another test,” Abe muttered ruefully.
“It wasn’t only Pop who never gave Elise a chance, brother. The truth was, even if she’d never married Henderson, I would’ve kept pushing until she failed. Dad said she wasn’t right for me, and I believed him ‘cause Elise was the town’s sweetheart. I was Bandit Stone’s boy from the wrong side of the tracks. I didn’t fight for Leesy when she married Henderson because she’d proven what deep down I already knew.”
“Jesus,” Abe whispered. “You didn’t think you were good enough.”
“I proved everybody right,” I reiterated. “Let my Leesy down by walkin’ away when she needed me the most. You told me somethin’ was off, but you didn’t need to ‘cause I knew her heart, and she loved me, Abe. I left town ‘cause if I stayed, I’d have gone to her, and my pride couldn’t stand it. Then I met Adele and made it so I couldn’t go back to Leesy, even if I wanted to. I convinced myself that moving on was the right thing to do. Then, when I stood in front of the Justice of the Peace, starin’ at Dell, I knew I’d fucked up royally. It was too late, though; she was already pregnant with Cash. After that, I kept knocking her up, though God only knows how seein’ as we hardly ever shared a bed in that way. Freya was the only kid we planned. Haven’t bedded a woman since.”
“Your marriage was doomed from day one,” Abe muttered, his eyes lifting to meet mine. “But at least you both eventually worked it out. Gotta say, brother, I’m impressed with how enlightened you’ve gotten in your old age.”
My lips hitched. “Therapy’s a bitch. It chewed me up, but at least when it spat me out, I had some clarity. You say I never went after Elise, and you’re right, but she was always in my heart. My girl was always on my mind—”
A loud banging sounded from the door, and then Atlas’s voice boomed, “Dag! Layla’s water just broke.”
My heart leaped, “Get your ass in here,” I bellowed, rising from my chair.
The door flew open, and Atlas stepped in, rubbing his hands together excitedly. “Bowie’s takin’ her straight to the hospital. Her contractions aren’t far apart. Called Soph. She’s gonna wait for us. Reckons Layla may have been in slow labor for a while.”
Abe grinned. “I’ll get Iris. They’ll need their girls watched.”
My heart leaped at the thought of two more boys in the family. “Let’s fuckin’ go.” Grabbing my cell from my desk, I shoved it in my pocket. “Want a security detail, Atlas. Layla needs guards. Too much shit swirlin’ to leave her unprotected.”
Abe grinned at me, his eyes dancing. “Just think, this time tomorrow, we’ll have two more bikers in the makin’.”
A wide smile split my face, and I made for the door, Abe falling into step behind me. “The family’s growin’, brother,” I crowed. “It’s a dream come true.”
My friend clasped my shoulder and squeezed. “I’m happy for ya, John.”
“Thanks, bud.” I dipped my chin, looking Abe dead in the eye so he knew how much I meant my following words. “And thanks for the Ted talk.”
He met my stare full-on. “Before you go, tell me. Are you gonna get your girl back?”
Atlas’s steps faltered, and he turned to me, eyes narrowing.
I pointed at my SAA. “Before you say a word, asshole, I know Elise is damaged. After the way I let her down, I also know it’s gonna be a hard slog to win her trust.”
Abe barked a laugh. “When the fuck has hard work ever bothered you?”
I grinned huge at Abe’s words because in the back of my mind, I already knew my next step. I’d known it since the minute Atlas carried my woman back into the clubhouse, all battered and bruised.
Elise Bell was mine; she’d been mine since she was a young girl with stars in her eyes, and I was a cocky shit who took her love for granted.
For years, I’d been carrying her loss like a boulder, weighing me down and threatening to crush me.
But suddenly, the weight lifted from my shoulders because my head had, at last, caught up with my heart. It was time for my Leesy to finally take her place by my side.
The problem was I knew she would take a lot of convincing.
Six hours later, I looked around the hospital room and sent a prayer of thanks to the big man upstairs for the bounty he’d bestowed on me.
Bowie sat next to Layla on her bed, staring down at the perfect face of his newborn son, who lay in his arms.
I’d never seen him look that way before; it was like he was holding the entire world in his hands. His face was full of joy and, at the same time, so dang frightened I thought he’d shit his shorts.
Beautiful, brave, courageous Layla sat beside him, pale, tired, but happy. She stared between her ol’ man and their son in awe, her fingers touching her baby boy’s.
I closed my eyes as a memory of a time long gone floated through my mind of when Layla and Bowie were kids and how, even then, they’d held a special bond.
“Hope they don’t hurt my girl,” Stevie muttered.
Layla toddled around after Gage, holding her tiny arms out to be picked up. My boy took her hand and led her to the sandpit, plonked down next to her, and started building sandcastles.
Something warm slid through my chest.
I couldn’t believe how they’d gone from two kids holding hands in the backyard to being man and wife with a family of their own. Should’ve known back then that Layla was destined for Bowie. I reckoned a tiny part of my son fell in love with his Doe when he was just a boy.
But then we all knew Stone men loved hard, fast, and forever.
My stare turned to the corner of the room, and the warmth in my chest slid to my gut at the sight of Leesy holding my other grandson while she gazed down at his face in wonder.
When I got to the parking lot, Elise was already at the SUV, helping Layla. Bowie explained how she’d trained as a nurse's assistant and had helped with a few births. Sophie was already at the hospital doing her last shift before she took her vacation time, so we just needed to get Layla to the hospital safely.
When the staff got Layla settled in her hospital room, Elise stayed to assist Sophie, which was just as well, because immediately after the youngest twin was born, Layla began to hemorrhage. Sophie hooked her straight up to an IV and gave her medication to stop the bleeding while Elise helped weigh, measure, and tag my new grandsons.
“My little Sunshine’s gonna be over the damned moon with our boys,” I murmured.
Bowie’s eyes lifted to mine, and he grinned. “She’ll fuss over ‘em for days. Your princess will be twirlin’ with joy down the hospital corridor.”
Pulling my cell out of my pocket, I checked the time. “It’s just past six A.M., so you’ve got a couple of hours until the family descends. You should try and get some shut-eye, Layla.”
“I couldn’t sleep if I wanted to,” she murmured. “I was the same way when Willow was born. I eventually crashed, but not until the next afternoon.”
“Have you got any names picked out yet?” Elise asked softly, trying not to wake the bundle in her arms.
Bowie smiled so wide I could see his damned molars. “Yeah.” He gazed down at the baby he held. “This is Byron John Stone.” Then he nodded to the baby Elise was rocking. “He’s called Finley Steven Stone.”
“We wanted to honor you and my dad,” Layla murmured.
My throat contracted as I swallowed down the crashing wave of emotion.
Pride swelled in my chest as I looked at my new baby grandsons, both safe in the fold of their family.
Bowie shifted Byron into a more comfortable position, never taking his eyes off his newborn son. He was a natural with kids, a born father.
I watched as Elise slowly got to her feet, walked to the bed, and gently transferred Finley into Layla’s waiting arms.
A wave of overwhelming protectiveness surged through me. I rose from the chair, cell still in hand. “Just gonna make a quick call,” I announced before grabbing the door and exiting the room.
In the corridor, I leaned my hip against the wall and stabbed at my phone, putting it to my ear. The line clicked, and Atlas barked, “Congrats, Dagger. I’ll be in later to take a peek at the new additions of our next generation.”
“Need security here, Atlas. Now,” I rasped.
“Already got two men at the entrance,” he informed me. “Tex and Maze have orders to be there by seven, and they’ll guard her door. D’ya know when Layla’s comin’ home?”
“No. But I don’t care if she’s in here for weeks. I want at least three men here at all times.”
“Won’t be easy, Prez. Gotta lot goin’ on. The boys have trainin’ schedules as well as tryin’a keep on top of work and club business. I’ll get Abe to look at the rosters, see if we can sort somethin’.”
I brought a hand up to rub at the ache in my chest. “They’re so fuckin’ tiny, Atlas. The thought of anyone hurtin’ them brings me to my knees.”
There was a brief pause before Atlas muttered, “Leave it with me. I’ll talk to a few of the men and see if they wanna help us out. Reckon Fender will, and Billy. While Colt’s here, we should put him to use, too.”
“Do it, and at the next meetin’, we need to have a powwow about gettin’ Billy patched in ASAP. The kid’s more than earned it, and I reckon the club needs a good party with all the bullshit swirlin’. The boys need to blow off some steam.”
“Sounds fuckin’ marvelous!” the SAA exclaimed. “You know me, love a good shindig. I’ll get Cara and Iris on it.”
“Remember, we need to keep it on the down-low,” I reminded him as I heard the sound of a door clicking. I craned my neck to see Elise appear in the corridor, and my heart lurched. “Later.” Disconnecting the call, my eyes remained on Elise. “You okay?”
“Sorry to interrupt,” she murmured. “I was worried, but I didn’t mean to eavesdrop. Are you okay?” Elise’s jade-green gaze sucked me in so completely that, without a thought, I stepped forward and reached out a hand to cup her face the same way I used to back when she was mine.
The instant I touched her, my heart gave a kick, and a warm shiver ran through me.
Her skin felt familiar but also new. My Leesy was a woman now, with a courageous heart and an inner strength that put mine to shame. Fuck me for thinking she couldn’t handle the life, and fuck me for thinking she was weak
She was goddamned perfect.
“Never apologize to me again,” I rasped. “Christ, Leesy, it’s me who owes you a lifetime of apologies. I’m sorry for givin’ up at the first hurdle. I’m sorry for not seein’ what was happenin’ right under my fuckin’ nose. Most of all, I’m sorry for leaving you out there swingin’ with no backup. I’d never let one of my men handle shit solo, so I could kick my own ass for turnin’ my back on you.” I leaned down so our faces were close. “You’re a good woman and a fuckin’ incredible mother. You’re everythin’ I knew you’d be. Damnit, you’re more.”
My woman’s eyes rounded, and I watched as tears filled her beautiful green orbs.
“I gotta lot to make up for, baby,” I whispered, thumb skating over the soft skin of her cheek. “But I’m up for the job. Give me a chance to make it right, Leesy. Please?”
She stared at me for what seemed like an eon. Her lush, pink lips opened slightly, an array of emotions moving across her face. Suddenly, her eyes blanked, and she jerked away from my touch and whispered, “No, John.”
The gut punch landed dead on target, and I flinched.
“I loved you so much,” she breathed. “I would’ve done anything for you. Being married to Robert felt so wrong that I wanted to die. If it wasn’t for Const—” her voice faltered “—If it wasn’t for Sophie, I would’ve wasted away because death was preferable to being with him .”
“Baby,” I murmured. “It was that way for me too. I loved Adele but like a friend ‘cause I never stopped being in love with you.”
She stared at me, the hurt radiating from her pretty green eyes.
Like always, the feeling between us was tangible. Elise was the moon, and I was the Earth, and we were pulled together by a force of gravity that had sparked to life the very first time we locked eyes. She’d been mine since she was eighteen years old. She had to feel it, too.
She shook her head. “I don’t believe you, John. I don’t believe in anything anymore. All love’s ever done is shredded me. Why would I want to subject myself to more pain? Don’t you think I’ve had enough?” A lone tear tracked down her cheek.
My heart plummeted.
I clasped her shoulder and croaked, “Leesy—”
She shoved my hand away and swiped at her face, biting out an exasperated, “Stop.”
My heart raced, and a burning fire trailed up my gullet. My voice, when it came, was a rasp. “You don’t mean that, baby.”
“I do, John. I mean every word,” she declared. “We’re different people. You’re vibrant and warm because you’re surrounded by family. I’m cold because nobody’s loved me like that since you.” She jerked a thumb toward the room we’d just exited. “The beauty in there, it doesn’t belong to me. It’s yours, and I’m just an interloper because that’s how we made it. To this day, it kills me, because every time I see you with the family that should’ve been mine, I want to slap you silly. There’s so much resentment in me. I can feel it eating away everything good.”
My gut churned at the pain in her voice. “I can give them to you, Leesy. I’ll give you anythin’. My family’s yours. It’s not too late.”
“That ship sailed years ago,” she argued. “I’m too old to have more children. Still, I’m grateful for Sophie, Atlas, and Belle. They’re who I need to focus on now.”
I studied her determined expression and how she tilted her chin proudly.
Anyone who didn’t know her would assume she meant every word. But I saw beyond the ice queen she portrayed. I’d always been able to read my girl; I knew her heart better than I knew my own.
I reached out and caught her pinkie finger with mine. The contact caused a slight tingle, and I dipped my chin until my face was inches from hers.
“Do you feel it?” I breathed.
Her cheeks flushed.
She felt it.
“Walked away from you once, Leesy,” I said, voice husky with emotion. “Regretted it every day since. You think I’ve led a charmed life, and maybe, compared to you, I have, but don’t think for one minute I haven’t felt your loss every day of it. Loved a lotta people over the years, includin’ Adele, but I swear on my life, Duchess, I’ve only ever been in love with you.”
Tugging the collar of my tee to one side, I gently pulled out the gold chain hanging around my neck, slowly revealing the old, worn arrowhead attached.
Her gaze fell on the piece of flint, and her jaw dropped.
“Never taken it off,” I murmured. “You think I forgot, baby, but I carried you next to my heart for thirty years, and it’ll still be there when my kids put me in the ground. I get I’ve lost your trust, but I’m determined to prove I’m worthy of you. So, like I said, I walked away from you once, but I don’t care how long it takes or how long you need to punish me, I’ll never walk away again.”
Her stare, still glued to the arrowhead, flicked up to meet mine.
I watched Elise open her mouth to reply, hoping to every God in existence she’d give me a second chance and that, just for once in our fucked-up lives, it could come easy for us.
Should’ve known better.
“I have to go,” she said huskily.
My eyes narrowed. “Huh?”
“Coffee,” she stated. “We need it.” She whirled around, gave me her back, then rushed down the corridor.
I watched her leave with my heart in my mouth and a realization hitting me like a sledgehammer.
Getting my Leesy back wouldn’t be easy. She only knew the boy who’d let her down. I had to show her the man I’d become, prove I was worth the risk.
It would take time and hard work, but like I always told my boys.
Nothing worth having ever came easy.