Chapter Eighteen
Elise
“Keep it coming, Elise,” Iris encouraged. “We’ve got a lot of hungry men out there. Church will be over soon, and I want food on hand in case they have to head straight out.”
“On it,” I called out, flipping the slices of bacon over, which had been browning in the huge pan, to stop them from burning.
“How are those eggs coming along, Layla?” she asked.
“Nearly there,” Layla replied, stirring the huge pot of scrambled eggs she’d been cooking for the last ten minutes.
I moved out of the way of the industrial oven, allowing Iris to pull the door open to inspect the sausage patties that had been cooking.
“These are done,” she declared, turning the temperature down before picking up the trays of cooked bacon from the counter and transferring them to the oven to keep warm.
“This is the last of the bacon, too,” I told her, transferring the rashers to a metal plate so Iris could put them in the oven with the others.
The sound of footsteps echoed from the corridor, and Billy appeared at the door. “They’re almost done in there,” he drawled. “They’re stomping again and bellowing about raising hell. Third goddamned time since they’ve been in there.”
“When they’re done, can you take that tray of mugs into the bar?” Iris inquired. “The large coffee percolators are all filled up. The men can help themselves.”
“Gotcha, gorgeous.” Billy blew her a kiss, picked up the tray, and wandered back out the door with it.
Iris giggled like a schoolgirl, and her cheeks bloomed. “That boy,” she said as if to herself, with another little giggle.
Layla and I glanced at each other, our eyes widening slightly, and I bit back a chuckle.
Deep voices sounded from the hallway, followed by barks of laughter.
“Sounds like the meeting’s done,” Layla informed us.
Picking up my coffee, I took a quick mouthful before opening the oven door and transferring some bacon and sausage onto two plates. Then, I walked over to Layla, who was spooning the cooked eggs into a huge industrial metal serving dish and added a scoop.
“Something smells good,” John announced, walking into the room, with Abe on his heels, taking a seat at the table.
Iris poured two cups of coffee and placed them in front of the men. “Duchess is plating up for you now. How was your meeting?”
I moved to the men, placing their breakfasts in front of them.
“Never good going over attack plans, Rissy,” John muttered as he gently caught my hand, kissed my knuckles, and murmured, “Thank you, baby. Food looks good.”
My heart fluttered as he gently dropped my hand, picked up a fork, and started shoveling eggs into his mouth.
John had been behaving like I was his again since the wedding the day before. He hadn’t done anything to make me feel uncomfortable, but he had been pushing the boundaries a little.
What was surprising, though, was that I didn’t mind; in fact, a small part of me liked it. John slipping his arm across my shoulders when we were all shooting the shit at the bar the night before made me feel like I belonged. It was like we were a normal couple, hanging out with other couples, and for the first time in a long time, I felt normal.
My life with Robert was unnatural, and every time I went out with him, it felt wrong. Being with John was the opposite. I felt like I’d found my place, and all thoughts of eventually leaving were becoming more unappealing.
However, something inside me still felt off. Maybe Kennedy was right, and I should go to counseling to try to work it out. Last night in bed, I thought about what she said and decided that when the Sinners were dealt with, I’d make an appointment with Mitch, who had an office in town.
I watched John take a bite of bacon and tip his head back in ecstasy. “What the fuck is this? Crack?”
“Good, right?” Abe muttered, taking his second bite and rolling his eyes back in his head.
“It’s my special recipe,” I declared. “My mom cooked bacon the same way.”
“You can cook this shit every day if you like, baby,” John responded, stabbing another slice with his fork and sticking it into his mouth before breezily adding, “When you get back.”
“Umm, what do you mean, when I get back?” I inquired curiously. “Get back from where?”
“Vegas,” he announced.
My eyebrows shot up to my hairline. “Did I go to sleep last night and wake up in the Twilight Zone? What the hell are you talking about?”
“You women are flying out to Vegas today,” he told me nonchalantly. “Ned’s got a big house there with a pool. We thought you might like a vacation.”
“A vacation would be lovely,” I replied, snark in my tone. “If I’d planned it, brought new bikinis, and arranged for Sophie and Belle to come too.”
“Sophie’s goin’,” Abe confirmed. “And Layla, Cara, Ned, Iris, and Sera.” His eyes cut to his wife’s. “They’ll need help with the kids.”
Iris’s face fell. “You’re sending me away. And at a time when you need me the most.”
“Yeah,” Abe agreed. “You’ll be safer in Vegas, and so will Sera.”
“What about Mason?” she demanded, her face twisting angrily. “What if something happens to him? What if those animals hurt him? I’m not leaving. I need to be here.”
“You’re goin’, Rissy,” Abe insisted. “Mason will be fine.”
“You’re not making me leave my son,” she bit out. “I’m not going.” With a toss of her head, she turned on her heel and stomped out of the kitchen.
Abe closed his eyes and pushed a breath out through his nose. “She’s goin’. I’d rather her be angry than dead.”
“You can’t force her,” John muttered.
“Yeah, I fuckin’ can,” Abe grated out, throwing his fork on his plate with a clatter and stalking out after his wife.
“Wow,” Layla whispered, her eyes wide with shock. “I’ve never seen those two argue before.”
“They don’t fight a lot, but when they do, it’s like World War Three,” John explained, his eyes on the door where Abe had just exited.
“Why do you want to send us away?” I demanded. “Aren’t we safer here with you?”
He put his fork down. “It’s a precaution.”
“We’re unprotected there,” I pointed out.
“No, you’re not. Hustle and Katie are on their way home now to arrange for Tote to cover you at Kennedy’s. She’s got everythin’ you’ll need there, and if worse comes to the worse, she has a panic room. The kids’ll be over the moon ‘cause they can play in her pool, and it’s sweltering hot. They’ll see it as a vacation, and when the heat’s off, we’ll bring you straight home.”
I turned to face Layla. “What do you think? Do you want to go?”
“I don’t want to leave Bowie, but if he wants me to go and take the kids, I will.” She shrugged. “Can’t say I’m looking forward to it, though.”
“Ned won’t go,” I stated. “And Sophie’s expecting to be busy treating the wounded. She even asked me to assist—” A loud shriek cut me off.
“I’m not going anywhere!”
John winced.
Cash’s voice floated on the air. “Wildcat, baby. I need you and Wilder to be safe.”
“Fuck off!” Cara bellowed, the sound of high heels tapping on tile getting closer until suddenly she burst into the kitchen, her eyes flashing with rage. “Have they told you they’re sending us to fucking Vegas?” she demanded. “I can’t believe them.”
Cash sauntered in with Wilder on his hip. “It’ll only be for a few days, baby.”
John shot him a look.
“Or maybe a week,” Cash corrected.
“Ugh!” Cara huffed. “I hate Vegas. It’s hot and dusty.”
“Maybe we could get dressed up and go to the casino?” Layla suggested. “We could get noticed by some high rollers, sit at a table with them, and they could put cash down our cleavages like in the movies.”
The anger drained out of Cara’s face. “Hmm,” she hummed, tapping her lip thoughtfully. “Interesting.”
Cash’s head reared back. “I don’t fucking think so.”
“It’ll be fine,” Cara said, waving off his protests. “I won’t go to bed with them or anything. You shouldn’t judge me by your standards.”
Cash’s eyes narrowed on his ol’ lady.
Wilder began to wriggle to get down.
Cash ignored him.
Wilder bent himself back so far it seemed like he was double-jointed.
Cash brought a hand around to pull him back upright.
Wilder suddenly shot up and smashed his forehead into Cash’s nose.
Cash let out a pained grunt as blood exploded everywhere; though I had to give him his due, he didn’t drop the baby.
“Oh my God,” Layla exclaimed, her hands flying to her mouth.
Cara cackled then crooned. “Good boy. Mama loves you.”
John rolled his eyes. “Someone take the baby while I get the stupid fuck a towel.”
I gingerly held my hands out to take Wilder, pulling my face away from him, just in case.
Wilder almost leaped into my arms, grabbed the neckline of my tee, and pulled it down until my bra was exposed.
“Wilder!” Cara snapped. “Stop showing Elise’s bra.”
I couldn’t help laughing,
Wilder laid a wet kiss on my neck, then turned toward his mom, gave her a big, toothy smile, and gurgled, “Ma ma, da da.”
“Little charmer,” she muttered. “You’re just like your father when it comes to boobs.”
Cash groaned.
“Come here, ya big baby,” John murmured, sticking a wad of kitchen towel over his son’s nose.
Cash let out a yelp.
“What the fuck happened here?” a deep voice boomed.
I turned to see Atlas standing at the door with Belle strapped to his chest in a baby carrier.
He nodded toward Cash. “Did the Sinners get him or somethin’?”
Cara smirked. “Wilder beat him up. Broke his nose.”
Atlas began to laugh.
“Ma ma, ga ta ta,” Wilder gurgled, pointing at Cash. “Da da, oo oo.”
My son-in-law doubled over laughing. He slid one arm around Belle to hold her in place while he pointed at Cash with the other hand, almost unable to speak through his laughter. “You got beat to shit by a nine-month-old.” Tears streamed down his face. “H—how the fuck did he break your fuckin’ nose.”
Cara howled, holding her stomach as she laughed her ass off. “He—he headbutted h—him.”
Cash let out a curse before snapping a very nasally-sounding “Fucker!” at Atlas.
“Crying,” Atlas squeaked.
John craned his neck to look at Atlas while still holding the kitchen towel to Cash’s nose. “Stop bein’ a bastard and go and get Sophie.” He sniffed. “He may need his nose resetting.”
Atlas roared.
“Jesus,” Cash moaned, tipping his head back further.
Wilder laid another gummy, wet kiss on my cheek.
John’s stare slid to me. “See what I have to put up with?” He shook his head exasperatedly before he turned back to Cash and bellowed, “Will you keep still?”
Atlas almost fell to his ass laughing.
I looked at Wilder, my eyes rounding. “Maybe I should spirit you away, gorgeous boy, so you don’t become as crazy as the rest of them.”
He gave me another cute gummy grin and babbled, “Doo doo, ka ka.”
I gently shoved his little head into my neck and gave him a snuggle, thinking how at least I could still cuddle Wilder when I got shipped off to Vegas.
My stomach dropped at the thought of leaving.
Here, I got to do normal things, like hanging out with the girls and babysitting. I could make beds, clean, and cook with Iris. I got to choose my clothes, eat whatever I wanted, and not care about putting on five pounds because nobody here gave the first fuck about my weight.
Here, I could be me.
Just Elise.
So, the thought of leaving the only place I’d called home for thirty years didn’t make me happy; in fact, it filled me with dread.
And what I didn’t know then was that it would also turn out to be a costly mistake.
With an aching heart, I stared down at my packed suitcase and sighed.
The SUVs were already outside, waiting to take us to the airport in Rock Springs, and God help me, I didn’t want to go. This place had become my safety, and where I felt accepted, except now, I had to leave.
My emotions were jumbled up like balls of wool that had gotten mixed up and needed unraveling because something had hit me in the kitchen earlier that day, when John held my hand and kissed my knuckles.
He was under my skin.
At the time, the way I felt seemed to come out of nowhere, but when I thought back over the weeks I’d been here, I could see that liking John again had been a gradual progression.
He wasn’t the same man I fell in love with as a girl. The boy who always knew better, who only ever did what he wanted, was gone, along with the arrogance and cockiness of youth.
I loved that boy more than life itself. Still, after everything I’d gone through over the years, I suspected that even if Robert had never done what he did to us, that boy would’ve still shredded me, just in a different way. And the sad thing was, I would’ve let him, because all I ever wanted was to please him and be the woman he needed, even if it meant losing myself.
I would’ve given up everything to make him happy because that was what a good girl did for her husband. We’d come a long way as a society, and women could be who they wanted, but in small-town Wyoming, things hadn’t progressed so much, especially in the world of the Speed Demons back then.
When John enlisted, I cursed the Marines for taking him away from me. But in hindsight, I could see that leaving Bandit and the club made him a man with his own opinions and gave him the confidence to do things his way.
Before John left, he didn’t have the ability to change things.
Then he came home with more confidence, more knowledge, and turned the club around. If John had stayed, he would’ve ended up just like Bandit; he didn’t know how not to. If he’d never left, he would have eventually become everything he didn’t want to be because he wouldn’t have been taught any differently.
And my life would’ve been hell because the thought of ending up with Bandit’s clone made my blood run cold.
The way we were torn apart was heartbreaking, but over the years, John became softer, and I became stronger. Now, we met somewhere in the middle, whereas before, our differences, inevitably, would have come between us.
Back then, I loved him, heart and soul, but if John had become like Bandit, it would have made me even more of a doormat, or I would have eventually come to my senses and left him. Either way, we wouldn’t have been happy together. In fact, I doubt we would have made it at all.
The only thing I would’ve had was Sophie, and it would have been beautiful, but the thought of her having a father who was a carbon copy of Bandit made my stomach hurt. Even though she wasn’t raised with me, she was happy, healthy, and loved. My daughter became an incredible woman, strong, smart, and beautiful. Hell, she was a talented doctor.
But would she be all that with a father just like Bandit?
I folded a couple more tank tops and placed them in the case when I heard a loud knock.
Turning, I saw John pop his head around the door, and my stomach leaped at the mere sight of him.
God, I had to get a grip. I wasn’t a schoolgirl anymore.
“Hi,” I said, a bit too brightly.
He grinned, walked inside my room, and closed the door behind him. “I’ve come to get your luggage. You ready?”
I smiled my reply, but I knew my eyes weren’t conveying the same happiness as my voice.
He frowned. “You okay?”
Turning back to the case on the bed, I murmured, “Yeah.”
John took my elbow, gently turned me to face him, and stared down at me with a worried expression. “Talk to me, Leesy. I can’t help if I don’t know what’s goin’ on.”
“Nothing’s wrong as such,” I stated. “I was wondering, though, do you ever regret leaving for the Marines?”
He dipped his chin to look me dead in the eyes. “Where’s all this come from?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know, I guess, lately, I’ve been going over the past, trying to reconcile what happened. Maybe I’m trying to make sense of everything, John. I have to believe everything that happened to us had a purpose, or else, what was the point?”
His hands rested on my shoulders, and his thumbs stroking my tee was comforting. “I used to regret it every day, baby, especially when I first got back to town after being a POW, I was a mess. I’d lost you and Mom, and I blamed the Marines for it all. I was angry at the world, and it was a big part of why I went away.”
“And met Adele?” I whispered.
He jerked a nod. “It wasn’t about the sex, Leesy. Can’t even say I felt a need to fuck her—I hadn’t touched a woman since you visited me in San Diego. I think I just needed human contact and to feel close. I truly believed I was gonna die in that hellhole when they beat, tortured, and starved me. Then suddenly, I was home, and I thought you’d moved on. I didn't know what to do with myself. After being touched by so much hate, I needed somebody to touch me with love. I kept thinking about how God gave me another chance, and although you didn’t want me, I had to find another way. I couldn’t waste the gift I’d been given. It was only supposed to be one night, Leesy. I left her and New Mexico in the rearview, made my way home, and put everything I had left into building something worthy that I could be proud of…” his voice trailed off before he added, “I’d have sold my soul to turn back time, but then Adele found me and told me she was pregnant, and I knew instantly I wanted the baby. You’re the love of my life, Leesy, but so are my kids.”
I nodded because I felt the same way about Sophie and Belle. And how could I blame John for looking for comfort when I did exactly the same thing with Tucker? When I told John the truth, I skirted around what happened in Denver that night, but never once had he brought it up or used it against me.
“You’ve never mentioned Tucker,” I pointed out.
“Why would I?” he asked. “When you’re lost in the darkness, it takes one ray of light to help us find our way out. I don’t begrudge you that, Leesy. Sex doesn’t always have to represent love, but we can still draw comfort from it.”
“When did my Johnny become a poet?” I teased.
He threw his head back and laughed.
Warmth filled my chest, and I noted how his golden eyes danced with joy. I tucked the sound of his laughter away somewhere safe so I could recall it when the Vegas nights got a little lonely.
“Will you call me while I’m away?” I blurted out.
Shock flashed behind John’s eyes.
Eek! What was that?
“But only if you want to,” I added hastily. “I mean, you don’t have to.”
“Baby,” John rumbled. “If you want me to call, I’ll call. I would’ve suggested it, but I didn’t know if you were there yet. Been tryin’a give you space like you asked, but my patience began to wear thin about the same time you got shot in the damned hip.” John’s hands slid down my arms, and he caught my fingers in his. “I’ll call you every night you’re away.” He lifted my knuckles to his mouth and kissed them, much like he did earlier in the kitchen.
A warm shiver ran down my spine.
“Kay,” I squeaked.
John dropped my hands and nodded toward the case on my bed. “You all packed?”
“Yeah,” I confirmed. “Kennedy said we can go shopping in Vegas—as long as Hustle’s MC can cover us,” I added quickly. “Apparently, the malls are incredible, and there are designer stores there, so if I need more panties, we can go to Victoria’s Secret—”
A slow grin spread across John’s face. “Yeah?” he asked, his tone low.
Oh my God. What am I saying?
But instead of shutting my mouth like a normal person, I continued babbling. “I’m sorry. I don’t know why I’m nervous. Actually, yeah, I do. I haven’t done this for over thirty years. I was anxious with you enough back then, and now I’m goddamned terrified.” I closed my eyes, mortified.
“Leesy,” John murmured.
I squeezed my eyelids shut.
“Look at me, Leesy,” he repeated.
I cracked one eye open.
“You’re not the only one who’s nervous,” he admitted. “I’m so fuckin’ scared of screwin’ up with you that I didn’t know how to make a move. I know I said I was givin’ you space, but I was also tryin’ to find the courage to claim you without scaring you off. You’ve been through a fuckin’ ordeal, and I know I have to handle you with care, but I don’t know how. I’m like a bull in a china shop, baby, and I’m so convinced I’m gonna do something stupid and make you run for the hills that it’s easier to hold back, ‘cause at least if I hold back, you’ll stay.”
I opened my other eye. “I thought you weren’t interested anymore.”
He deadpanned. “Yeah, right.”
“I can’t believe this. We finally take a step forward, and I have to leave.”
He brought his fingers up to cup my face. “It won’t be for long.”
I pushed my cheek against his hand, memorizing his touch and the warmth of his skin. “I know.”
John angled my face up, and I held my breath as he leaned down and touched his mouth to mine. “I’ll call you to talk. Make sure you’re somewhere quiet; we’ll catch up and start getting to know each other more. We’ve both changed, so let’s wipe the slate clean and learn about each other as we are now.”
“What if you don’t like me?” I wondered out loud.
He shook his head, smiling. “I already like you, Leesy. Not many women would jump in front of a bullet to save a little girl’s life. You’re cute, funny, sexy as hell, and you don’t take my shit. What’s not to like?”
I beamed. “You think I’m sexy?”
He took my hand and shoved it against his groin. “Does that answer your question?”
My eyes rounded as my fingers pressed against John’s long, thick, rock-hard cock. “Jesus.” I barked a laugh, tugging my hand away. “What are you? Twelve?”
He reached down and adjusted the crotch of his jeans. “Feel like a twelve-year-old schoolboy when it comes to you.”
Rolling my eyes, I watched John as he clicked my suitcase closed and hauled it off the bed, admiring how his biceps flexed under the tight arms of his black, short-sleeved Henley.
Maybe it helped that he’d changed so much because I didn’t look at him and get transported back to the past. If anything, lately, I’d been looking at him and thinking about nothing but a future and how it might work.
It had taken months, but getting to know John, the father and grandfather, made the resentment fade. I hadn’t noticed it happening. I just woke up a few mornings ago, and the angry burn in my chest had dispersed.
He’d made mistakes, but the difference between old and new John was that he admitted them and worked to make amends, something young John Stone never did.
Following him across the room, I took one last look back at the space that had been my refuge before clicking the door closed behind me and walking down the corridor. John waited for me to catch him up and slid his arm across my shoulders as we walked in silence toward the bar.
My heart felt heavy in my chest. I was going to miss the club. I loved the girls and would never have let Sophie and Belle leave without me. It just seemed typical of John and I to finally talk honestly and make headway, only to then be separated again. I should have waited until I came back, but I suspected having to leave forced me to confront my feelings earlier than I may have done ordinarily. And I was relieved we got a chance to talk before I left.
I called my goodbyes out to the brothers in the bar before heading out of the doors to the parking lot, filled with Speed Demons and ol’ ladies and kids all saying goodbye.
My heart ached as I watched Sunny cling to Bowie’s legs, tears streaming down her cheeks. Bowie rubbed her back, pulling Layla closer and burying his face in her neck.
Kit’s forehead rested on Kennedy’s, and I found myself wishing I could hear the words he softly spoke to make her eyes close with sorrow. His hand reached out, tagging Kady and pulling her into him as she buried her head into his hip. Then he motioned to Kai, who took Ned’s hand in his.
Atlas lifted Belle from the baby carrier attached to his chest and handed her to Sophie. Then, he kissed his daughter on her little head before doing the same to her mother.
My throat felt as if it was on fire, and I swallowed down the ball of emotion threatening to engulf me.
“We gettin’ this show on the road?” Cash bellowed, walking from the clubhouse with Cara, who held Wilder. I smiled at the tape across his wonky nose and the dark shadow that would soon turn to full-on bruises already starting to form under his eyes.
“Mom,” Sophie called out. “We’re traveling with you.”
“Us too,” Kennedy added, walking with Kai and Kady toward me.
I glanced at the three SUVs lined up waiting for us. An uneasy feeling slid through me. I ignored it and followed John to the car, watching him place my case with the others in the back of the vehicle. He slammed the trunk down, gave our driver, Shotgun, a friendly clap on the back, and turned to pull me close.
My arms slid around his back, and he rested his chin on my forehead. “You got everythin’ you need?” he asked.
I looked up into his eyes and nodded, fearful that the emotion filling my chest would turn to tears. I didn't want to cry. I had to be strong, not just for the girls, but also so John wouldn't worry about me.
He needed all his wits about him to deal with what was to come. Worrying about me would take his head out of the game.
“I’ll send for you as soon as the danger’s passed,” he said, the low tone of his voice almost a vow.
“Be careful, John,” I murmured. “Call me if you need me.”
He planted a kiss on my forehead, opened one of the SUV's back doors, and helped me inside. “Take care of yourself, Leesy. Don’t do anythin’ I wouldn’t.” He motioned for me to put my seat belt on and closed the door after me.
I whirred the window down and smiled at him. “Well, that opens up a multitude of possibilities.”
He gave Sophie and Ned a nod, then he kissed his fingers and leaned in the car to touch them to Kady and Belle’s cheeks. “Gonna miss my girls,” he murmured, his voice cracking slightly.
Shotgun slid into the driver’s seat and started the engine.
John shot me a wink before tapping the top of the SUV twice and calling out, “Let’s go.”
As we pulled away and drove through the open gates of the compound, I couldn’t help wondering how long it would be before I saw John again, because if the ache pulsating through my heart and the empty feeling in my chest told me anything, it was that it wouldn’t be soon enough.