Chapter Thirty
Dagger
Leesy rocked back and forth, her cheeks aflame and her body wired.
“He’s here,” she whispered, her voice hoarse from screeching. “Don’t let him touch me, John.” She thrust her fingers through her hair, already wild from sleep.
Cash thumped on my door again and shouted, “What the fuck’s goin’ on?”
I held my shaking hands out toward my woman like I was calming a wounded animal. “It’s okay, baby. I won’t let him hurt you.”
“Dad!” Cash bellowed from the hallway.
Slowly, I slid my feet toward the door, turned the key, and pulled it ajar, all the while keeping my stare fixated on Elise. “It’s okay, Leesy,” I crooned soothingly. “It’s just Cash.”
Elise’s wild, green eyes lifted to the door, her head still violently shaking as she rocked back and forth, her cheek pressed to her knees.
The door opened wider, and I heard Cash curse under his breath. “Dad, your neck—”
“Get Sophie,” I ordered through clenched teeth, taking in Elise’s hard breaths.
“But—”
“Now!”
The door closed, and with an aching heart, I saw that she’d rolled her body into a protective position. What the fuck was happening? It was like she thought she was somewhere else, and Henderson was hurting her.
“He’s not here, Duchess,” I murmured. “Look, it’s just you and me.”
Moving slowly to the bed, I switched the bedside lamp back on, allowing the dim light to cast across the room.
Leesy looked up, a confused expression washing over her face, and she breathed, “Where am I?”
“We’re at the compound, baby,” I assured her. “You’re safe. I won’t let anybody hurt you.”
“But he was here,” she insisted, continuing to rock backward and forward. “It was dark, and he touched me. He always came to me in the dark. I couldn’t stop it, John. He was too strong for me. I tried to fight, I did, but he was always too strong.”
My chest set alight, but I tamped down my rage and took a slow step toward her. “He won’t hurt you again, baby. I made sure of it.”
“But he was here,” she repeated confusedly. “He touched my shoulder.”
I took another step forward and stretched my arm out toward her. “Come here, baby. Take my hand. You’re safe with me.”
Her now dazed eyes locked with mine, and she held her trembling fingers out toward me.
My chest cracked open when I noticed her nails were all torn up. Instead of sobbing like a baby, I pushed the emotions down, and carefully, I touched my fingertips to hers. “See, baby? Nobody will hurt you.” I took another step forward, and my hand gently took hers. “Come to me, Duchess.”
Clasping her other hand, I swooped down, pulled her safely into my arms, and carried her over to the bed. “See? Nobody’s gonna hurt ya, baby. I’m here; I won’t let anything happen to ya.” I sank my ass onto the mattress, cuddling her into my body and rocking with her.
“Hey,” a soft voice murmured from the door.
Craning my neck, I saw Sophie move into the room with Atlas at her back.
The relief that washed through me was so palpable that my shoulders slumped.
“Cash said you were upset.” Sophie moved closer, dropping her medical bag on the floor beside the bed. “Thought I’d give you something to help you sleep.”
“What if Robert comes back?” Elise whispered, fear lacing her tone.
Soph’s eyes widened a fraction. “John will be here. He won’t leave you.” She motioned to the bed, waiting patiently while I laid Elise down, smoothing her damp hair back from her face before stepping back to allow Sophie to treat her.
My eyes stayed riveted to hers while Sophie swabbed her mom’s arm and gave her an injection. “That will relax you. Don’t fight it, Mom. Go to sleep.”
Elise nodded absentmindedly, her wide-eyed stare falling to my throat. “What happened to your neck?” she asked, her forehead furrowing. “It’s bleeding.”
My mind scrambled for something to say.
“Cat scratched him,” Atlas declared from behind me.
Elise’s eyes drooped sleepily. “Oh.”
Sophie stroked her cheek. “Go to sleep, Mom.” She continued stroking her face while we waited a couple of minutes for Elise’s breaths to even out. “What happened?” she asked.
“I came in, got into bed, told her I was back, and she freaked. She thought I was Henderson and lost her shit.” My eyes slid to my daughter, my chest tightening. “Is she havin’ a breakdown?”
“I don’t know,” Soph admitted. “She’s definitely suffering from a form of PTSD. I suspected something was going on, but not to this extreme.”
“You knew?” I questioned.
Sophie turned her face to me. “Haven’t you noticed how erratic she’s been this week?”
My mouth went dry. “Your mom’s been emotional and a little snappy maybe, but she told me she was tired.”
“I think we should call Mitch,” Sophie suggested. “He’ll do an assessment and determine what kind of treatment she needs.”
“I’ll call him now,” I offered.
“It’s Friday night, boss,” Atlas reminded me.
“You think I give a fuck?” I retorted. “My woman’s hallucinating, believing I’m her abusive, dead ex-husband, and you think I give two shits about wakin’ Mitch up? He’s a good man and a good doctor; I know he’ll see to her. But I’d have no reservations about draggin’ him out of bed if it went the other way, and he told me to fuck off.”
Elise stirred in her sleep, and I shut my mouth.
Sophie bent to retrieve her medical bag and stood, jerking her chin toward the door.
Atlas and I filed out after her, and I closed the door behind me with a soft click.
“I don’t wanna leave her,” I declared.
“She’ll be out for a few hours at least,” Soph informed me. “And those cuts need cleaning.”
“Come on,” Atlas muttered, heading down the corridor. “We can do it in our room. Need to get back to Belle, anyway.”
A door cracked open, and Cash stuck his head around it. “What the fuck, Dad?”
“Everythin’s okay,” I assured him. “Go back to bed.”
Cara’s voice called, ‘Is Elise okay?”
“She’s just havin’ a bad night,” I called back. “She’s asleep now.”
“What’s goin’ on?” Kit’s voice demanded.
My eyes slid down the hallway to see my youngest standing outside his room, bare-chested. If anyone would get what my woman was going through, Kit would. “You gotta minute, Son?”
He turned to say something to Kennedy before closing his door, strolling down the hallway, and following us into Atlas’s room.
The instant the door closed, I turned to him and laid it out. “Elise just lost it,” I croaked. “She woke up thinking I was Henderson and flipped out on me.”
Kit’s stare roamed over my neck, and he nodded understandingly. “Call Mitch.”
“I am,” I confirmed, taking my tee off and sitting in the chair my daughter pointed to. “After Sophie’s cleaned me up.”
“Kennedy mentioned Elise felt weird the day of our wedding. We’ve both kept an eye on her, but she seemed okay.”
My head reared back, my gut hardening. “Why did nobody say anything to me?”
“What? And say, oh, by the way, Pop. Elise is feeling a little weird?” Kit challenged. “You’d have laughed me outta the fuckin’ clubhouse.”
Sophie bent over and held an antiseptic wipe to my neck. “I think we can all agree that she hasn’t displayed symptoms until recently. Nobody’s to blame here. Let’s concentrate on what our next step should be.”
I winced at the sting from the antiseptic. “Mitch has gotta be our next step.”
“Agreed,” Breaker concurred.
Sophie nodded, swiping my torn-up skin with the wipe.
“I dunno what the fuck happened,” I muttered, sitting back and scraping a hand down my face. “I just touched her shoulder, and she woke up and freaked.”
“Used to happen to me,” Kit interjected. “I’d stay awake for days for the sole purpose of not wakin’ up to my dead buddy talkin’ to me from the corner of the goddamned room.”
“You fuckers give me the heebie-jeebies,” Atlas muttered with a little shudder.
Kit’s lips twitched.
“Does it still happen?” Atlas asked.
“Not since I got on the happy pills at Grand Junction,” Kit explained. “And remember, I’d been gonzo for years. Elise won’t be that deep into it.”
“Who knows?” Sophie murmured.
My eyes slashed to hers. “Huh?”
She gave me a tight-lipped smile. “PTSD is unpredictable. We don’t know how long she’s had it. Her life was traumatic for a long time. She was living on her wits for years. It could have built up over time, just like Kit’s. She functioned okay, but then so did he.”
A deep sense of unease filled my gut.
Sophie made a good point.
Going by what had just happened, as usual, I’d been blind to what my woman was going through.
Henderson liked to play games, and from what Elise had already told me, he played with her constantly. He knew how strong she was and how much she loved me, so he used mind games to break her down and force her to stay with him. For example, he used to give her photographs of our girl, but only if she toed the line and did everything he said.
He played off the things that meant the most to her; he played off her fear.
Goose bumps ran down my arms, and slowly, I closed my eyes.
Elise’s ex-husband had affected her deeply. My Duchess was kind and sensitive, so of course Henderson would’ve plotted and schemed to take advantage of that so he could keep her to heel.
The dread in my gut intensified, and my gaze lifted to study my daughter.
“I’ve gotta bad feeling about this,” I told her quietly.
Her eyes met mine, and she said the words that made my heart sink into the pit of my stomach.
“Yeah. So have I.”
Six Hours Later
Elise had been awake for a while. I knew because her body gave a little jerk, and her breathing became shallower.
I hadn’t spent the night spooning her since before I got deployed to Kuwait, and after what happened the night before, I vowed I’d never spend another night without her again.
My hand was resting against her hip, my thumb stroking the soft skin underneath my favorite tee, when she finally whispered, “I’m sorry.”
“Do you remember?” I asked softly.
She sniffed. “Everything. I’m so sorry.”
“No,” I murmured vehemently. “I’m sorry.”
Slowly, she shifted her body until she faced me. “But you didn’t do anything.” Her gaze lowered to my neck, and tears filled her eyes. “I hurt you.”
“Not as much as I hurt you,” I told her quietly. “I left you swinging, and the worst part about it is that I knew it. The day you sent me away, deep in my soul, I knew it wasn't you, I fuckin’ knew, Leesy, and I still left you with him . You’ve got nothing to be sorry for, baby.” My eyes flicked between hers. “Will you forgive me ?”
A tear streaked down her face, and she nodded.
Taking her hand in mine, I intertwined our fingers. “Mitch is here. He’s waiting to see you.”
“I don’t want to talk about the past,” she objected softly.
I squeezed her fingers gently. “I know, baby, but if we don’t work through the past, we can’t guarantee our future. We allowed the bastard to get between us before, and if we don’t come to terms with what he did to us, he’ll always be there.”
“Like last night,” she breathed.
“Yeah. Just like last night.” Leaning forward, I kissed her forehead. “I want our life together to be all about us, Elise Bell, not him. We’ve got kids to keep in line and grandchildren to raise. I don’t want him around them. We need to make him disappear.”
She looked up at me through her lashes. “I’m scared.”
My mouth curved in response. “Me too, baby. In fact, I’m fuckin’ terrified, but if my asshole’s gonna gape with anyone, I want it to be you.”
Her mouth hitched. “You’re so romantic, John Stone. How did I ever live without you?”
A chuckle rose through my chest. “You wouldn’t change a thing about me.”
Her eyes danced with humor. “Okaaay.”
I laughed again, relieved the shadows in her beautiful green orbs were gone, albeit temporarily. She must’ve been feeling better if she was giving me lip.
She slung her arm across my gut and snuggled into my chest.
My fingers went to her hair, and I began to sift through it. “Sophie said something must’ve triggered you recently. What was it?”
Her body stiffened.
“It’s okay,” I murmured. “I just wanna know so we can avoid it, at least until you’re feeling stronger.”
She stayed quiet for a minute before tipping her eyes up to meet mine. “It was the club run.”
My eyebrows snapped together. “I don’t understand.”
“We rode through Main Street, then past the country club and the mansion. I haven’t been out of the clubhouse much, and when I have, I’ve always avoided town. When I was confronted with it after so long, it all came rushing back and knocked me on my ass. Seeing the country club and mansion burned down brought everything to the surface after months of burying it deep. I guess it returned with a vengeance.”
Something dark slid through my chest. “Fuck, Leesy—”
Her fingers pressed on my lips. “Stop. You weren’t to know. Hell, I didn’t know until it happened. It’s okay; I’ll work through it. The only alternative is to leave and come back when I’m feeling stronger, but I know that’s not an option while Cash needs you at the club.” Pretty green eyes locked with mine, and she reiterated, “I’ll be fine, John.”
A lightning bolt struck my chest, and I sucked in a breath at the realization searing through me.
Since I was a boy, my dad put the club before everything, including me and my mom. As a kid who only wanted to make his dad proud, it marked me deeply. My old man would rather spend time carousing with his brethren than be a husband to my mom or a father to me. We spent time together, but always on his terms. We’d tinker with bikes, go for a ride, or throw an axe. All things he felt the son of Bandit Stone and future Prez of the Speed Demons should know if I was to grow up in his image.
Except, I wasn’t him; I was me.
The club was my home, but it wasn’t my world.
Elise was.
I made the excuse that I wanted to enlist so I could learn the skills to support the club, but really, I just wanted to do something for myself. And then I got dazzled by it.
When I was told my skills could make me an elite member of the Marines, suddenly, I was a rock star in my own right, not because I was a Stone. My ego took over, and instead of taking Elise along with me, I was selfish and wanted to bask in my own glory.
It seemed I was more like my dad than I ever realized.
Selfish.
Even before I officially took over the club, I changed everything to make it mine. A new clubhouse and new money-making ideas. Suddenly, we didn’t need drugs or guns; we were better than that, and I was right, we were, but sticking it to my dad and besting him was more important to me than going straight.
And then it became more important than Elise.
For a man who never wanted to be like his father, I sure turned into the same brand of cunt. And it killed me to finally understand that I never broke the cycle like I thought I did; I fed it, and over time, my kids and the love of my life all became collateral damage.
My Cash would’ve left this club for Cara and Wilder.
Sophie could take it or leave it.
Bowie, too.
If staying at the club meant losing Kennedy and his kids, I wouldn’t see Kit for dust.
Freya happily left for her man.
When was I gonna follow my kids’ example and finally put the love of my life first?
“Are you okay?” Elise asked softly, concern shining from her eyes.
“Yeah, baby,” I replied, gently moving her from my chest before jackknifing to a sitting position. Throwing my legs over the bed. I pulled my tee off, went to the dresser for a fresh one, and slid it over my head.
“Get your ass up, baby,” I ordered. “You need to see Mitch. We’re leavin’ in a few days, and I need you set up with remote counseling sessions before we split. We can’t arrange it until he gives you his recommendation on who he thinks can help.”
Her nose scrunched with confusion. “What are you talking about? We can’t just take off; the club needs us. The kids come before mental breakdowns and road trips. We need to be here for them, John. They come first.”
I held my hand out for her to take, gently pulling her onto her feet. “That’s where you’re wrong, Leesy. The kids like havin’ us around,” I winced slightly, “I think. But they don’t need us. They’ve got their own wives and kids. You’ve devoted your life to Sophie, and I’ve always looked out for Freya and the boys. You need me now, and I need you, too, but what we don’t fuckin’ need is more of their‘Days of Our Biker Lives’ bullshit. We’ve got our own dramas to work through. You need to go on a road trip and get your head together, and I’m not lettin’ you outta my goddamned sight ever again.” My arms slid around Elise’s back, and I rested my forehead against hers. “You come first, baby. I’m sorry it took me so long to see it.”
“John,” she whispered, green locking with gold.
My eyes bored into hers. “Loved you since I was an asshole kid who took you for granted, Leesy, and I always will.”
Her mouth curved at one side. “Well, let’s hope you’ve evolved some.”
“She’s givin’ me lip when I’m tryin’a be romantic?” I muttered to myself.
She smiled and, to my chagrin, threw my earlier words back at me. “You wouldn’t have me any other way, John Stone.”
My lips twitched, and I murmured, “Okaaay.”
All humor drained from her eyes, and she bit her lip, “What if I can’t get my head together, John? What if I fail?”
Lip’s twitching, my gaze flicked between hers. “Shut up, Leesy.”
Her eyes narrowed. “Don’t you speak to me like that, John Stone—” She squeaked as I tagged her waist, jerking her against me. My hand went into the back of her hair, and with a growl, I crushed my mouth to hers.
A warmth I hadn’t felt for thirty-four years enveloped my chest, making my heart thud, And I sighed against my ol’ lady’s lips as, finally, my soul burst back to life.
I took in my boys’ shocked faces, giving them time to allow my revelation to sink in.
My heart beat for my kids, but my soul was all Leesy’s. They needed to understand I’d always be there for them, but for a while, at least, it would be at the end of a phone.
“Is she ready?” Atlas asked, his pained stare meeting mine. “She needs help.”
My throat heated because it was just like my big-hearted SAA to think of her in all this.
“Mitch recommended a counselor in California,” I told him. “She’s taken Leesy on, so even if we stayed, her sessions would take place over FaceTime. We spoke to her briefly before I called you all in here, and she thinks a change of scene would be good for Elise. Her getting better isn’t dependent on her bein’ in Hambleton.” I nodded to my youngest. “Breaker did his initial healing in Grand Junction.”
“Being away helped me,” Kit declared. “I’m not sure I could’ve done it with everybody lookin’ in on me. Would’ve been like livin’ in a damned fish bowl. Space brings perspective, and I think space and time are what Elise needs right now.”
“Do you think we’re ready?” Cash asked from his chair, his bowed head lifting to look me in the eye. “It’s so soon, Pop.”
Placing my hands on the table, I leaned on it and angled my body toward my boy. “I wouldn’t leave you swingin’, Cash. You’re ready. You’ve been ready for a while. It’s time for the Speed Demons to evolve, and it won’t happen with me at the helm.”
“Won’t be the same without you, Pop,” Bowie drawled from the corner. “But I get it.”
Abe pushed forward from his chair, elbows to the table. “I’m calling a full member Church for Wednesday. Prez will pass the gavel on, say farewell, and ride off into the sunset.”
“Thanks, Abe.” I grinned huge, looking each officer in the eye before asking them for the very last time, “Any other business?”
Crickets.
“Off you fuck then, boys,” I ordered, my eyes sliding to my oldest. “You sit tight.”
Chairs scraped against wood as the men got to their feet and headed to the door.
My stare fell on Cash, noting how his skin had turned grey throughout the meeting. By the time the boys left, I thought he’d puke.
I’d thrown the poor fucker in at the deep end, but I knew he’d swim and save himself. If Cash wasn’t ready to take the gavel, I would’ve asked to borrow Nate Hollister from Hendrix while I was away and put him in charge.
The fact was, Cash had passed every test I’d set him. He thought outside the box and was more creative than me. My tactical training was rigid in the Marines. Cash’s training was prison. Firing that AT4 was a risk but a calculated one, and it worked a treat because he understood he had to stand back and let the expert at it.
Not every decision he made would be the right one. Still, the shit with the Sinners and Henderson was in our rearview. Cash had proven he was mature enough to listen to advice and weigh up the pros and cons, and the officers around him would help.
He just had to let them.
My son’s hand went to the back of his neck. “Don’t mind admittin’ I’m nervous, Pop. Thought I had more time to get to grips with it. Feel like I’m out at sea without a damned boat. I know it’s normal to feel that way, but somethin’s worryin’ me. Think I need some advice.”
My mouth hitched. “Shoot.”
“I gotta change some of the officer roles around; for example, I need a VP.”
“Right,” I agreed. “You’ve got some good men to choose from.”
“That’s the problem.” He sighed as if he felt the weight of the world on his shoulders. “Atlas is happy where he is—he already told me so. That leaves two men who stand out: Bowie and Breaker.”
His dilemma dawned on me. “Right, and you don’t wanna piss one of your brothers off.”
“Exactly,” he concurred.
I sat back in my chair and leveled him with a look. “Take the brother equation out of it, Cash. Who fits the role best?”
“Both do, but for different reasons. Me and Bo are closer; I think we’d work well together, and the team would be more cohesive. Breaker and I would butt heads, but then I think, maybe that’s a good thing. Abe challenges you, so maybe Breaker could be my Abe.”
“You’ve thought it out,” I mused. “Good. Now, my next question is: Where is your knowledge lacking, and whose experience, out of Bowie and Breaker, could fill that gap?”
Cash’s stare met mine.
He knew.
I think he knew before the meeting.
“You’ve got your answer.” I grinned. “Bowie won’t care, Cash. He’s happy busting heads with Atlas and spending all his free time with Layla and the kids. Kennedy has her career and her work with DV victims. Plus, Kai and Kady are older, and they hang out at the clubhouse anyway. You won’t be takin’ away from Breaker the same way you would if you picked Bowie.”
“What about tradition?” he asked. “It’s always been the oldest son of the oldest son.”
I leaned forward so he could see the seriousness of my answer. “I regret my part in that, Cash. All it ever did was cause you strife. There’s no such tradition. You’re the third generation of Prez’s. Start your own fuckin’ traditions.” I shot him a knowing wink. “What the fuck did Bandit know anyway?”
A slow grin spread across his face. “How ‘bout keep it in the family?”
“Like the Targaryens?” I challenged.
He barked a laugh, then asked, “Best man for the job?”
I gave him a slow nod. “Perfect.”