Chapter 6 #2
Julian hugged me so tightly I had to put my head down on his shoulder.
“Thank you. I…I do feel like this is what I am supposed to be doing, but I also don’t want to be ridiculous.
I’m the rich kid of a rich kid. Sure, we live this impossible, hidden life, but I don’t know that it means I have anything interesting to say.
Sometimes it seems ridiculous to think I have something important to say that people should hear. ”
I pulled back. “What? But you do. You completely do.”
“Well, thank you. I mean, seriously.” He kissed me again, but this time, his lips weren’t gentle.
Instead, he claimed my mouth, his tongue hungry and asking.
He stroked his fingers down my cheek, and I shuddered against him, answering his needs with some of my own.
I trembled, even. It felt different, somehow.
Despite all of them kissing me—as frequently as possible—this one was different, or my response was.
He led us toward his bed, which seemed like a great idea to me, especially when his weight pressed me down into the mattress. We rarely even entered his room normally, making it strangely intimate and special.
He whispered near my lips, “Nothing happens that you don’t want to happen. I am just going to kiss you.”
I nodded, nuzzling my nose against his. My body ached, needing more of his. “There…there is going to come a time where I want more than kissing.”
He smoothed my hair, watching me with the cutest smirk. “Well, I sort of hope that will be the case, of course. But for now, I don’t want you to feel pressured about anything.”
I didn’t but he was sweet to point it out. Then again, Julian seemed to prioritize me from the first moment we met. “I think that I should get on birth control first,” I admitted.
Julian tilted his head, not disagreeing. “Good call.”
I bit my lip, because the logistics would be a bit complicated.
Although it likely would be easy enough to ask a doctor for a prescription, I didn’t have access to my insurance information, nor did I think my aunt would be willing to provide it.
Phoenix said he would look into that but didn’t know the status.
But in bed with Julian wasn’t the time to worry about such mundane things.
I kissed him instead, drawing him down to me, and he greedily accepted my offer.
He kissed my lips like he owned them, his shirtless torso hot under my hands.
I traced my fingers down his back, feeling his skin and the hardness of his muscles bunch under my touch.
He moaned, jerking his hips against me but continued to kiss me, nothing more.
I closed my eyes and sank into the feelings, lost in a sea of the taste of him and his touch.
My control slipped away so easily with my eyes shut, the darkness the perfect place for my needs and cravings.
He was hard, his need obvious and grinding up against me, and part of me thrilled to be wanted by him.
I wanted him too.
A lot. It seemed my skin caught fire under his touch.
I pushed things just a little further, and tugged on my shirt, freeing myself so I only wore my bra, and more of our skin could touch.
He stared down at me, his eyes wide. I kissed his bottom lip. “Just kissing still, but like this?”
His nod was fast and his mouth hungry when it found mine, practically gulping me down.
“You’re so fucking beautiful,” he whispered in my ear between kisses before he dragged his lips across my throat. “They write poetry because of you.”
I could have argued, but right then, I wanted the illusion. Besides, he was absolutely perfect himself. “Have you looked in the mirror lately?” I pointed out.
He shook his head. “I don’t compare.”
We kissed again, over and over, until I was sure I would never need air again. I only wanted Julian to breathe life into me with his kisses. When he would grind his hips into me—seemingly unconsciously—a thrill arced through me so I moved with him.
Finally, with a sigh, he stopped, rolling onto his back, and drawing me against his side. “Sorry,” he said, sounding out of breath. “I need a minute. To stop, actually.” He panted, but he kissed my temple and my cheeks. “I love you. Got to stop. Okay?”
I wasn’t sure I followed, my mind practically drunk on needing him, but I couldn’t complain about his warmth or listening to his heartbeat. “That was…yeah,” I agreed, at a loss for words.
He grinned before he kissed my forehead. “It was. You are…yeah.”
In an awkward move, I managed to pull my shirt back on, trying not to feel self-conscious that he could still see me.
The piano had stopped from the other room, but I could still faintly hear the television.
I reached for my back pocket, realizing I’d left my phone by his computer. “What time is it?”
He sighed, one arm thrown across his eyes as if to block out the world. “Does time have to exist?”
I couldn’t think of a good reason to leave him, so I kissed his side then closed my eyes. “No, or we can pretend it doesn’t until you have to get up for water polo tomorrow morning.”
After a while of holding me, he moved, leaning back on his elbows. “If we stay here much longer, I’m not moving until morning, so we should get ready for bed. It’s late, I think.”
I nodded. “You’re probably right.”
“Alatheia,” he said and took my cheeks in his hands and kissed my lips. Once. Then twice. “I spent the whole day thinking about you. All day. I hated you being so close, yet I couldn’t see you all day. Just know that when we’re apart, I’m thinking about you every second I can think.”
I wrapped my arms around him, breathless with the force of my feelings. “I think I was just trying to survive. It wasn’t awful, but everything is new. I thought about you all day, too, in the midst of my chaos.”
“Fair enough.”
When he would have gotten up, I stopped him, entwining our fingers and making sure to make good eye contact.
“What you wrote is just amazing. I think I might be carrying ghosts from everything that happened, if I’m honest. My mom for sure, and maybe even my dad?
My relatives? Anyway, I loved the way you talked about the ghosts, and I think it is going to resonate with a lot of people.
” With a smile, I gave his fingers a squeeze.
“Are you carrying any ghosts of your own?”
“Fewer since I met you, if I’m honest. I thought.
. .I thought maybe I would always be alone.
How on earth could anyone want to be with me under these circumstances?
But my heart knew your heart. So, yeah, I am carrying a whole shit ton of ghosts, but I feel like they aren’t as heavy anymore.
We‘ll work on yours, too. Alatheia. This is forever for me. You are it. I know we’re too young for me to say that and you to believe it.
I get it, I do, but just know…that’s where I am. ”
I shook my head, but not because I doubted him…exactly. “It’s hard for me to think about forever. I just hope they don’t send me away to a boarding school in Switzerland or somewhere,” I confessed.
“If they can’t be encouraged to change their minds, either by us or by my parents or by Granny, then we will go with you to Switzerland.
If you’re there, we’ll be there. I’m not sure about Barrett, actually, but we can go to school wherever you go.
I don’t care where I graduate from. We’ll figure it out, I promise you that. ”
I wanted to believe him, so for the moment, I allowed myself to revel in the illusion of pretty happy ever afters.
When we reentered the living room, Jeremy was still sprawled snoring on the couch.
Julian shot me a quick grin. “We should leave him. Waking him is going to be like poking a bear.”
I scowled, because I couldn’t leave him sitting up on the couch. “I’ll get him up. He won’t be a bear to me. If he is, I’ll forgive him, but where’s Phoenix?”
Julian sprinted back to his room, returning a second later with both of our phones.
He passed me mine, his eyes glued to his own screen.
“Hasn’t moved, still over at Jo’s, and I don’t know what time he’ll get back.
As far as I’m concerned, if he isn’t here when we go to bed, he loses out on the snuggle that night.
Normally, he gets automatic rights to you because he can’t sleep without you.
I don’t mind it, because I like him better sleeping, but he can take the floor if he isn’t going to get his ass home. ”
I frowned as Julian left the room, because I couldn’t just let it go. Instead, I sent Phoenix a text message. Coming home?
I waited a second as if he would answer instantly, but he didn’t. I decided to check my other notifications while I waited for his response.
Tiffany sent me a gorgeous unicorn, and I guessed it was her latest art piece. I sent back a heart emoji, hoping it wasn’t weird. I hoped I wouldn’t overthink every single interaction, but I feared I would because I’d never tried to make friends before.
I really shouldn’t overthink it, I decided, flipping to the next message. Bethany texted too, selfies in her school uniform but with her hair in three different styles. Which one? she demanded.
She wants my opinion on her hair? I typed back honestly, I have no idea. All look good.
I noticed a water polo group chat that I didn’t have before, and I scrolled through the messages discussing a schedule for practices. . . I had never in my life had so many messages, not to mention on the same day.
Bethany answered my text first, saying, I’ll try all three this week, and we’ll see if you’re right.
I chewed my bottom lip, deciding whether or not I should reply, then remembered Jeremy. I placed my hand on his shoulder, squeezing gently. “Jer, don’t sleep here. Come on, let’s go to bed.”
He blinked awake, kind of moaning before his eyes cleared and focused on me. “Hey, Princess. What’s going on?”
“Bedtime,” I explained, enjoying his sleepy loose limbs.
He nodded and kind of wobbled his way into the bedroom after giving me a passing kiss. I stared down at the phone, not sure what to do because Phoenix still hadn’t answered me. Maybe he isn’t going to.
I ran a hand through my hair. I didn’t think I would be able to sleep a wink worrying about him.
I wanted to ask the guys what to do, but I hesitated, afraid he would think I asked them to check on him if they went over.
Finally, I entered the bedroom to find it silent. They had each taken their places already, with Jeremy on the mattress on the floor, already fast asleep. Julian and Barrett left me a spot on the bed in between them, but they also seemed unconscious.
I reminded myself that his brothers would be worried if something was actually wrong, turned off the light, and climbed between them. The soft bed enveloped me, their scents so warm and safe, yet different. I sighed, realizing I was used to having Phoenix beside me every night.
The twins snored, a familiar and comfortable sound, like a white noise to me at this point. As I settled down, adjusting the covers around me, I let myself drift into the sounds in the room.
Despite my best efforts, I couldn’t sleep, though. Perhaps my ghostlight glowed too bright?
Barrett laughed, a low sound, and I wasn’t surprised because sometimes he talked in his sleep. He rolled over, pulling me against his chest. “Alatheia,” he whispered, his eyes not really open. “There you are. Sleep.”
Julian rolled over too, his forehead snug against my back. They were there, and all would be well. I tried to force myself to sleep by closing my eyes.
I must have slept, but it didn’t feel like I got much rest. I woke when the twins got up for practice, startling awake as they tried to sneak away.
Julian kissed my shoulder, audibly exhaling before he climbed out of the bed.
I lifted my head, glancing around the dim room to verify Phoenix never showed up.
I hoped he would have snuck in during the night.
Jeremy crossed the room, giving my foot a gentle squeeze as he passed. I rolled into the place where Julian had been, stealing what remained of his warmth as I stared at the ceiling. Barrett murmured and then opened his eyes. “Why so far away?” he grumbled, his voice rougher than usual.
I smiled then rolled into his open arms. “I don’t know. Just…not able to sleep.”
“Try to doze in my arms for a little bit. We’ll have coffee in an hour.”
I didn’t disagree, tucking into his warmth and heartbeat.
They had lived with Phoenix’s comings and goings a lot longer than me, and none of them seemed worried.
If they could sleep and not worry about it obsessively, then I would have to figure it out, too.
Time passed slowly, my eyes closed and breathing slow as I listened to the twins leaving the apartment.
The air conditioner switched on and off, cooling us with a gentle breeze.
Outside, cars honked their horns and a siren went off. Finally, Barrett’s alarm jangled.
He rolled over to turn it off, so I hugged him when he rolled back. His arms are safety. It sounded stupid in my own head, but it was all I could think right then.
“Good morning.” He kissed my head. “Did you sleep okay? I passed out before you came to bed. I guess it was a long day.”
I smiled, staring up into his brown eyes. “I slept, but Phoenix didn’t come home unless he slept in another room.”
He nodded. “And you’re worrying about him.
” He didn’t phrase it as a question but then it wasn’t one.
“He doesn’t think. Unfortunately, this won’t be the only time he sleeps at Jo’s, unless he is willing to take some steps to stop.
Jo is a factor. I don’t know why he was like that yesterday. But…yeah. I’m sorry.”
“You don’t have to be sorry. You didn’t do anything wrong,” I said, trying to brush it off as I got out of bed. “I’m going to go make us coffee.”
I tried to pretend I didn’t think about the fact Phoenix promised to make my coffee, since he wasn’t there, and I still needed to make it through my second day of school regardless.