Chapter 24 #2
I folded my shirt, putting it aside with the clean pile of laundry.
The basket seemed to be endless, a mixture of Crescent’s and my clothes waiting to be sorted.
I’d needed a task of some sort. Something like cleaning, or adjacent to it, or I might’ve lost it.
So, laundry while sitting on the couch it was. “Did you know?”
Crescent was in the kitchen, cooking us dinner. I heard the scrape of the spatula against the pan stop. He paused before calling back to me, “Know what?”
“That you liked me more than a friend? When we were in high school.”
It sounded like he’d pulled some plates out of the cabinet, setting them on the counter.
They’d be the same size, no doubt. We’d have the same portions.
And when I finished the first plate, we’d wait twenty minutes to see if I actually wanted seconds, or if I was full, and my brain just wanted more.
It still freaked me out sometimes. “I wouldn’t say I consciously knew that I had a crush on you or anything.
I knew you were more to me, but I didn’t really know what that meant. ”
I’d always hated folding pants. For some reason, they never looked right to me. Where did the legs go? And why were they never even? They had to be even for Jude, or he’d always pitch such a fit about it. I thought, after so many years of being yelled at about it, I’d figure it out.
As I held the sloppily folded jeans in front of me, I realized it just wasn’t going to happen.
They’d always be weird and uneven when I did them.
“Oh.” I set the jeans on Crescent’s pants pile.
“Well, did you mean what you said that one time? I remember you said you wouldn’t get a girlfriend as long as you were my best friend. ”
“Definitely. I mean, I had appreciated your looks, and I knew deep down that I didn’t want to date anyone. I just didn’t put two and two together for a long time. A very long time. You were just a part of my heart, Sunshine. I guess I didn’t need to think about it any deeper than that.”
I thought back to that day, when Crescent had shown me the daisy-picking game. The day I’d decided to ask Jude out and sentenced myself to years of nothing but hell. “You were a part of mine, too. In a different way, but a part of my heart either way. I’m glad I can have you in this way, too.”
He peeked out of the kitchen, a smile on his face. “God, I’m glad too. Come on, let’s eat dinner.”
I looked down at the basket and piles of clean clothes in front of me. “I still have some of this to do, though.”
“It can wait until after we eat. No big deal.”
A dark, domineering presence sat at the back of my neck, breathing down it. “It shouldn’t take me too long to do. You can start eating without me.”
He crossed his arms over his chest. “The laundry can wait, Sunshine. You don’t have to finish it right this second. I can even help you after we eat.”
“No!” Realizing just how loudly I’d yelled, I cleared my throat and tried again. “No, don’t worry about helping me. I’ll just finish, and then we can eat.”
“Elio.”
“Crescent.”
His head tilted to the side, one of his eyebrows raised in question. “Can you tell me what’s really happening here?”
I didn’t want to, really. I was afraid it’d sound stupid when I said it out loud.
So, I shrugged instead of voicing my fears.
If I voiced them, they were real. The panic could gain entry and settle in my bones, finding a home right where they sat.
I didn’t want to have the panic. If I avoided it, I couldn’t feel it, right?
Crescent walked toward me, sitting down on the cushion next to me. “Is it the laundry or the food part that’s bothering you?”
“Laundry.”
“Is it the laundry, or is it stopping the laundry that’s bothering you?”
“Stopping.”
I refused to look at him, even as he turned sideways to look at me better. If I ignored it all, the static of fear would turn off in my gut, wouldn’t it? “Is this related to a house rule?”
That was it. All it would take was one word. A simple yes out of my mouth, and the dam would open. The floodgates would release. I didn’t want to drown Crescent in my ocean of problems. They weren’t his to bear, but mine to wade through.
“Baby, do you feel safe here?”
I jerked my head to the side, looking at him. “Of course I do. What kind of question is that?”
He reached for one of my hands, holding it in his. “A valid one. If you don’t feel safe, then I need to do something different. But if you do, then I can remind you that, with that safety, you can tell me anything. Anything at all. And you’ll be okay. You know why?”
Goosebumps ran along my arms, the hairs there standing on end as the breath from my demons ran down my back. Down my shoulders. Across my skin, over every inch of me. “Because you’ll never let me go?”
“Yeah. I’ll never let you go. No matter what, I’ve got you, and we’ll figure it out.” He squeezed my hand reassuringly, looking me straight in the eyes.
The deep, golden honey brown I’d come to know as a sign of security warmed me from the inside out.
He could handle a dip in the ocean, right?
“If I didn’t have shit done, I couldn’t eat.
If I was still working on something, like folding laundry, I had to finish it before I ate.
I could pause if I was cooking him dinner, but I’d have to wait at the table with him.
Watch him take his first bite. Insult my cooking.
I had to do all of that first, finish my task, and then I could have my food.
Usually on a small plate, with a small portion.
Sometimes, I wouldn’t have one at all. I was supposed to have everything done by the time he got home anyway. ”
A disturbance muddied the honey in his eyes. His lips turned up, forming a scowl. “If I knew I wouldn’t go to jail and leave you here all alone, I’d kill that fucking bastard. Do you know that? Fucking murder him.”
“I knew the rules, Cres. I still disobeyed them.” The dam had cracked. Cold, deadly water had started to leak through, washing the world in front of me away. There wasn’t anything for me to hold onto. I was flailing, helpless to eventually being dragged away.
“They weren’t fucking rules. It was control. Control in the cruelest, most fucked-up way possible. Humiliation in its most disgusting form.”
I sank into the couch, looking at the laundry instead of him. Control, sure. Humiliation? Is that what the deep shame and guilt were that I felt every time Jude came home and I wasn’t done?
Crescent took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. “Okay. How about we both tackle the laundry, and then we can eat together? It’ll feel uncomfortable, but then you can see that nothing bad will happen. Do you think that’ll help?”
Together? He wanted to deal with my shit together? I tried to focus on his hand—the gentle, perfect skin of his palm. “You’d do that?”
“Of course I would. I’d do anything for you. You know that, right?”
I nodded because, yeah, I think I really did.