Chapter Twenty-Four
Brock
Lexi and I are texting about random things after dinner as I’m doing my math homework. My cheeks hurt from smiling so much.
I finished my portrait of her in art class yesterday and I’m pleased to say it didn’t suck. Lexi will be painting me at our next class.
Lexi: You know, you’re distracting me from studying for my psychology test, you bad boy.
Brock: Can’t help being so irresistible.
Lexi: You irresistible? Nope. I’m avoiding the test.
Brock: Suuuure. Need help?
Lexi: No, thanks. I just need to concentrate. See ya tomorrow at school.
Brock: See you and good luck!
Lexi: Thanks.
As I drop my phone, my eyes catch sight of the bandage on my left palm. I think back to how Lexi fixed me up and how close we were to one another. My heart was pounding in my chest, so strongly I thought Lexi for sure heard it. It’s thumping the same way now.
Man, I was such an idiot for attempting that stunt. I just wanted to impress her. But lesson learned. I’m not doing something like that again. I won’t put myself in danger again.
I force myself to focus on my homework and not Lexi.
After I’ve moved on to my other homework, the doorbell rings. Hmm. I don’t think we’re expecting anyone. Maybe a family member or a friend has come to visit my parents?
“Brock!” Mom calls from downstairs. “Finn is here.”
Finn?
I leave my room and make my way toward the stairs, meeting Finn who has just climbed up. He smiles and waves. “Hey, man.”
“Hey.” I give him a curious look, since it’s not like him to just come over without telling me first.
“Sorry to barge in like this, but I need to talk to you.”
“Sure.” I gesture to my room, where he follows me inside. We drop down on my bed. Finn keeps his gaze on the floor, as if he has a lot on his mind.
“So, what’s up?” I ask.
His mouth opens, shuts, and he shakes his head. “I don’t know how to say this.”
“You can say anything. It’s okay.”
He looks at me, puffing out his cheeks. “It’s about Lexi.”
I sit up sharply. “What about her?”
He stares at the floor again. “How do you feel about her?”
I don’t think words can encompass how much she means to me, but I’m not going to tell him that. “She’s Lexi.”
“I know, but…you know what I’m getting at, don’t you?”
“Yeah.”
He lifts a brow. “So?”
“What exactly do you want me to say? You want me to admit that I like her?”
“So you like her?”
I push some bangs out of my eyes. “It’s not like I ever stopped.”
He doesn’t say anything.
We sit in silence for a few minutes.
“Do you like her?” I ask.
He releases a heavy breath. “Yeah, I do. I’ve liked her for quite some time now.”
I nod slowly. So I was right when I thought he liked her. He wouldn’t just cuddle up to her if he didn’t.
“And you came here to tell me to stay away from her or something?” I ask.
He sighs again. “Look, I don’t want to be a jerk about it, but you have no idea what you’re doing to her.”
My insides squeeze together. “What are you talking about?”
He twists his mouth, then turns to me and throws his hands up. “I’m talking about all the crap you put her through, man!”
I flinch. “I thought we all moved past that. Lexi and I talked about it. I apologized and she forgave me. We’re rebuilding our friendship now.”
He shakes his head, grunting in frustration. “You know it’s not just friendship she wants.”
“I don’t know—”
“Come on, man. You know it and we all know it,” he says. “Because Lexi is obsessed with you. She always has been. You can do no wrong in her eyes. To her, you’re perfect. But someone needs to watch over her and make sure she doesn’t get hurt.”
My eyes grow large. “You think I’ll hurt her?”
“I don’t think you’ll do it on purpose, but yeah. Look, you left for four years. You abandoned her, refused to talk to her, treated her like garbage. And she waited every single day for you to call her. It didn’t feel like she was even living.”
I feel like all the energy seeps out of me. I swallow. “I know I made some mistakes, but—”
“No. No buts. She was finally getting over you. She was living again. And then what happened? You came back and her life blew up all over again. I mean, what did you even expect? That you’d come back and find her exactly as you left her? Did you expect her to wait for you? She was messed up, okay? She was so hurt and confused. She cried, like, all the time. Do you have any idea how hard that was for me and the others? We didn’t know how to help her.”
Tears burn my eyes. “I’m sorry.”
“You think that’s enough? Apologizing won’t magically fix things. Going to museums and buying her whales won’t either. And stringing her along when you know you’ll just hurt her again is a jerk thing to do.”
I blink at him. “Stringing her along? Hurting her? I’m not hurting her.”
“Yes you are. Because you’re not ready for a girlfriend. You said so yourself. And the more time you spend with her, the more she’ll fall for you. Don’t you get it? She doesn’t think straight when she’s with you.”
“I might not be ready for a girlfriend yet, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings for her.”
“So she’s just supposed to wait around until you’re ready?”
I squeeze my eyes shut. “No, of course not.”
He places his hand on my shoulder. “Brock, you need to let her go. It’s not healthy for her to be so obsessed with you. She needs to think of herself and what she wants. She needs a clear head. She needs a guy who will be there for her. One hundred percent, not someone who’s still stuck in the past.”
I swallow the boulder in my throat. “Someone like you?”
He holds up his hands. “I was with her every day for the past four years. I never left her side. And no, I’m not saying it should be me, but no one cares for Lexi’s well-being more than me. She told me she thinks she and I could have gotten together, but then you came back and turned her life upside down. I think…” He sighs again. “I hate to say this, but I think you’re doing her more harm than good. You need to let her go, Brock. You can’t hold her back anymore.”
His words cut me deep to the core. It’s like each one is a huge stab. Is he right? Am I ruining her life?
“She’s free to choose whoever she wants,” I say in a low voice. “No one is forcing her to have feelings for me.”
“She’s so relieved and happy that you’re back that she’s not putting herself first. Everything is about you—it’s been like that for four years. I just can’t take it anymore. She’d do anything for you, even if it meant risking her own happiness. But I want her to be happy. That’s the only thing I care about.”
“I also want her to be happy,” I say.
“Then you need to let her go. Break the Brock chains around her and let her live her life.”
My eyes get glassy, but I blink the tears away. “You want me to keep my distance from her?”
“No, that’ll just hurt her. But I think you need to step back and let her think clearly. Let her make her own decisions, ones that don’t involve you.”
I nod slowly as I try to swallow the boulder. “If you really think that’s what’s best for her.”
“I do.”
I squint at him. “This isn’t your way of swooping in before things get serious between her and me, is it?”
He shakes his head. “I’d never swoop in, but I’m not going to lie—I am hoping to get closer to her. It’s like I said—no one cares for her more than I do.”
I can argue that I do, but maybe he’s right. He was there for her these past four years. I wasn’t. He knows exactly what she needs, how to make her happy. And if I’m holding her back, then I need to keep my distance and let her spread her wings.
Finn gives me a guilty look. “I’m really sorry for all this. I’m just protecting Lexi and doing what I feel is best for her.”
I just nod because I can’t speak. A part of me wants to fight for her—how dare he tell me what to do and who to have feelings for? But I’ve seen myself how Lexi pushes me first. How she cares about my happiness and how I’m feeling.
“I…” I clear my throat. “I get it.”
“Man, I feel like a jerk.”
“No. You’re right. I have no idea what she’s been through. What I put her through. Thanks for looking out for her and for being with her and for not giving me crap for all the mistakes I made. And thanks for being honest with me.”
He nods. “You’re my friend. Are we good?”
“Yeah.” I force a smile. “We’re good.”
He gets to his feet. “I’d better head home. See you tomorrow.”
“Yeah.”
He leaves my room.
I lie down on my bed and stare at the ceiling, Finn’s words looping around in my head. I can’t bear the thought of losing Lexi, but that might happen if I let my feelings go beyond friendship. I’ll keep my distance, but I’ll still be her friend.
Footsteps sound outside my room before Dad peeks in. He’s got a basket full of clean laundry in his hands. “You okay? You look a little down.”
“Fine.”
“What did Finn want?”
I shrug. “An assignment.”
He studies me for a bit before nodding and putting my clothes on my bed for me to put away later. He probably figures I’m not in a chatty mood.
Before he leaves, he pats my arm.
Tears flash in my eyes as I roll over to my side. I can’t believe I ruined Lexi’s life. How could I be so horrible?
***
“Dean, wait up,” I call the next morning at school. He and the others have just unloaded from Finn’s van. We exchanged greetings and I gave Lexi the best smile I could. My lips trembled a bit. She looked a little confused, but the others dragged her toward her locker.
Dean stays behind, looking at me. “Hey, Brock.”
“Hey, can I ask you something?”
“Sure.”
I was up all night, trying to figure out if Finn is manipulating me. Maybe he is using Lexi’s pain as a way to get with her.
“How was Lexi these past four years?” I ask him. “Please tell me the truth. Was she in a lot of pain?”
His eyebrows furrow and he shifts from one foot to the other. “I mean, yeah. She was so sad all the time. It was almost like a part of her died, you know?” His eyes widen. “Sorry. I don’t mean to offend you.”
I shake my head. “Don’t worry about it. So you’re saying she was hurt and upset? All the time?”
“She’d push her feelings aside when all of us would hang out, but yeah, she was always sad. Like she couldn’t move on.”
I swallow deeply. “Because of me.”
He hesitates. “Yeah. Sometimes it was so bad she wouldn’t get out of bed or even go to dance practice. But what does it matter? You’re back now and she’s happy. You brought life back into her eyes.”
I shouldn’t be the one determining whether or not she has light in her eyes. That’s what Finn was getting at. Lexi is conditioning her happiness on me. He’s right that I need to let her go.
“Hey.” Dean places his hand on my shoulder. “You good?”
My lips try to form a smile, but they fail. “Yeah, I’m all right.” The bell rings. “We’d better get to class.”
We meet the others outside the English classroom and find our usual seats. Lexi bends close to me. “I think I’m prepared for my psychology test.”
I smile, though I’m sure it doesn’t reach my eyes. “That’s great. I’m sure you’ll do awesome.”
“I hope.” She looks into my eyes. “Hey, are you okay? You look like you’re bothered about something.”
“No. Just couldn’t sleep. I’ll be fine.”
“Okay. I’m going to the dance studio after school to practice. Want to come with? I’m dying to get back on your motorcycle.”
Normally, I’d joke that she’s using me for my bike, but I’m not in the mood to joke around right now.
“I don’t think so. Maybe I’ll go home and nap.”
She nods. “Yep. Napping is always good. Maybe we could watch another ocean life docu later?”
“Okay. If you want.”
She laughs. “Yeah, I want. Do you want?”
“Of course. I just want to make sure it’s what you want.”
Her eyebrows furrow. “Huh?”
“Brock, Lexi,” Aunt Ally says as she stands at the front of her desk. When did she come in? “Class has started, so no talking, please.”
Throughout class, Lexi gives me confused looks, like she doesn’t understand what’s wrong with me. Why I’m being so stiff and distant.
The fact that she’s distracted because of me makes me conclude that Finn is right. Lexi worries about me more than herself.
I’ll be her friend, but no more than that. It’ll be hard, but this is for her.