Chapter Forty
Lexi
I’m up very early the next morning because I’m nervous. Nervous and excited. I know how I feel and I’m pretty sure Brock feels the same way. I sensed so much from him as we danced together. But the question remains: is he ready to be with me? Also, am I ready to give him everything he needs?
I know I am.
I eat something, read a few comics, then watch TV.
The doorbell rings. He’s here!
“I’ll get it!” I yell as I fly down the stairs, nearly tripping over my feet.
“Careful, Lexi,” Mom calls from the kitchen, where she’s reading something on her tablet.
I rush to the door and fling it open. Brock stands there in a white T-shirt that emphasizes his muscles and jeans hung low on his hips. Did he always look this sexy?
He pushes his hands into his pockets, smiling sheepishly. “Sorry. I overslept a little.”
“It’s fine. I was watching a TV show.”
“Cool,” he says as he follows me into the house. “About what?”
I spend a few minutes telling him about it. Brock greets Mom, accepting the drink and snack she hands him.
I lead him to my room, where we sit on my bed. Brock looks at me and smiles warmly. I smile back.
“I’m glad we’re talking again,” he says. “I really missed you.”
Scooting closer, I take his hands. “I missed you, too. I’m sorry I distanced myself from you.”
He shakes his head. “No. You needed time to figure out what you want. I totally and completely understand.” He slips his hands from mine. “But before you say anything, there’s something I need to tell you. I should have told you a while ago, but I didn’t want to bring up the past because it was too painful. But it’s important that I tell you now. I don’t want to keep any secrets from you. And I’m so, so sorry that I hid this from you.” He hangs his head. “I was a jerk.”
I tuck some hair behind my ear. “You’re not a jerk, Brock.”
He shuts his eyes for a second, then lifts his head to the ceiling. “I was.”
I place my hand on his. “What is it?” I ask gently.
He swallows, then takes a deep breath. “I know I apologized and I also know you forgave me. But there’s something you don’t know about that day four years ago.” He pauses, squeezing his eyes shut again. “Why do you think I blamed you for Andy’s death?” There’s so much pain in his eyes that it makes my heart bleed.
Lowering my gaze to the floor, I say, “Because I cursed him.”
“No.” He rests his hands on either side of my face, forcing me to look at him. “It wasn’t your fault he got into that accident. It was…it was mine.”
I give him a confused look.
He takes another deep breath. “He and I hung out at my house after shooting hoops and looking for bugs. Then it was time for him to go home. He got on his bike and rode into the street and…and…” He shakes his head.
I take his hand. “You don’t have to tell me. We can leave it in the past.”
“No.” He pulls his hand away. “You need to know what I did.” His eyes are a little glassy.
Seeing how much pain he’s in makes my own eyes tear up.
“He rode into the street and I called after him. I don’t even remember what I wanted to tell him. But he turned around and didn’t notice that a car was speeding down the street. The car slammed into him, sending him into the air, and then he crashed on the ground, dying instantly.” The tears pour down his cheeks. “I yelled so loud my parents ran outside and saw what happened. They tried to calm me down, but I wouldn’t hear it. It was all my fault. I killed him, Lexi. But I didn’t acknowledge that at the time. I blamed you because I thought your curse was the reason I called after him. Like something possessed me to do it. But as I got older, I realized that it wasn’t you. It was me. There are no such things as curses. The only person to blame was me. I’m so sorry for blaming you.”
I take his hand again. “You were so hurt and in pain. I can’t blame you for thinking that. Honestly, I still think I did have something to do with it.”
“No. You didn’t. It was me and only me. I don’t know if he’d ever forgive me.” He bends forward, burying his face in his hands. “He died because of me.”
I pat his back. “You were just a kid. It was an accident. And I know Andy forgives you.”
He slowly lifts his head. “Do you really think so?”
I wipe his tears away with my thumbs. “I really do. And I know it hurts him to see you torture yourself like this.” I look into his eyes. “You’ve carried this guilt for so long, Brock. I think it’s time you forgive yourself or you’ll never live.”
He’s quiet as he thinks it over. “I do want to live. Andy would want me to.”
I nod. “Of course he would.”
“But what about you? Do you forgive me for blaming you? I should have accepted that it was my fault and not yours. But I was a coward. That’s another reason why it was so hard for me to talk to you these past four years. In the beginning, it was because I blamed you. But after some time, I felt guilty for blaming you and it was easier to just…”
“Ignore me,” I finish.
He nods, fresh tears pooling in his eyes. “I’m really so sorry. I’ll never forgive myself for the way I treated you. You’re so kind and sweet for talking to me. For even looking at me. I don’t deserve it.”
“Brock, look at me.”
He slowly lifts his gaze to mine.
“You’ve been through so much pain,” I tell him. “And I know you’re trying to move on. But you’ll never move on if you don’t forgive yourself.”
“I don’t know if I can. I killed Andy. I hurt you. I don’t deserve happiness.”
“Yes, you do,” I argue. “You can’t let the past define you. You were just a kid who was having fun with his friend. You’re not a terrible person. But I am. Whether or not my curse caused his death, I still said those horrible words. I wanted him gone.” My shoulders hunch over. “But I never meant for him to die.”
Brock takes me in his arms, resting his chin on my head. “Don’t blame yourself, Lexi. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“You didn’t either. It was just an accident.”
His body quakes. “I called after him. I was so stupid.”
“You didn’t realize he wasn’t safe.”
He’s quiet for a bit. “What if he doesn’t forgive me?”
I push some bangs out of his eyes. “You know Andy and you also know that he does forgive you. You feel it deep in here.” I touch his heart.
“But what if you’re wrong?”
I shrug. “You can’t base your happiness on whether or not he forgives you because then you’ll be stuck in the past. Do you want to move on, Brock? Do you want to have a good life?”
He nods. “More than anything.”
“Then you can’t let the past hold you back. You apologized to him. The best you can hope for is that he forgives you. Because the truth is, you really can’t know if he does. But that’s not on you. You did what you had to do and it’s time you allow yourself to be happy.”
He’s quiet again.
“And it’s the same for me. I’ve apologized to him many times and hope he has forgiven me. But I also need to move on from the past and live my life.”
He holds out his hand and I slip mine inside. “I’m trying to forgive myself, but it’s very hard.”
“I know it is, but I also know you’ll get there. You’re doing so much better than you were a few weeks ago. You’re smiling. You’re having fun with me and the guys. I see only good things in your future.”
He smiles through his tears. “Thanks.”
I rest my head on his shoulder. “I’m really sorry for all the pain you’ve been through.”
“I’m sorry for all the pain you have been through.”
We sit in silence as we think about the past and everything that happened after that. Minutes tick by.
After some time, Brock says, “I’m ready to put the past behind me. I mean, I’ll always carry the pain with me, but I don’t want to miss out on all the good things life has to offer.”
I smile in encouragement. “That’s so good to hear. Don’t feel bad when good things happen to you. You really deserve them, Brock. You’ve been trying so hard to be happy and make those around you happy. Especially me. You’ve been doing everything you could to make up for these past four years. But I don’t want you to do that anymore. Focus on yourself and what you need.”
He lifts his head off mine and searches my eyes. “I have been focusing on myself. I know exactly what I need. What I want. But…” He lowers his gaze. “It’s selfish of me.”
I shift closer to look into his eyes. “It’s okay to be selfish sometimes. What do you want?”
“Like I said, to be myself again. But the one thing I truly want? The one thing that will make me happy? I’m pretty sure you know what it is.”
His eyes are so intense as he gazes at me. My heart skips a beat and it feels like my lungs are frozen.
“It’s you, Lexi,” he whispers. He averts his gaze to the floor. “But we’ve been through a lot and I’ve hurt you more than once. And I don’t deserve you…”
I place my finger under his chin, forcing him to look at me. “Yes, you do. I know what I want. What will make me happy. He’s sitting right across from me.”
Brock’s eyes glass over again. He bends to press his forehead to mine. “But I hurt you.”
“And I’ve forgiven you. I want to move past that. I want to start over.” I rest my hand on his cheek. “Do you want to start over with me? It’s true that we’ve been through a lot, but we’ve also grown so much. We need to learn from the past and we need to remember Andy, but we can’t let it consume us. I want to live. You want to live. We need to move on.”
He nods. “I want that really badly. I want to be with you more than anything.”
“Me, too. You’re the most important person in my life, Brock. You make me so happy.”
His chest heaves as he lets out a relieved breath. “I feel the exact same way. You mean the world to me. But how can we make this work?”
I bury my head in his chest. His arms wrap around me. “I think we need to take things slow,” I tell him. “We need to be there for each other and tell each other what we’re feeling. No more secrets.”
He nods. “I don’t want to keep anything from you. I want to be completely open and honest with you.”
“We also can’t be scared to hurt each other,” I say. “I don’t want to walk on eggshells around you and worry I’ll say something wrong.”
“I’d never want you to do that.”
“But you also need to tell me if I say something that hurts you or triggers you. Don’t try to protect me while hurting yourself. I want to be your rock. I want to be the person you confide your hopes and dreams and troubles and worries to.”
He squeezes me close. “I want you to be that person and I want to be that person for you.”
“I also want us to be able to talk about Andy and the past, but if it’s too hard, maybe we can slowly ease into those conversations. We need to go at whatever pace you’re comfortable with.”
“Okay. Same with what you’re comfortable with.”
I play with his hair. “There will be times when you’ll want to be left alone with your thoughts. Maybe you’re having a bad day or are triggered. I’ll need to give you space. I’ll need to be patient with you. But you’ll need to tell me how you feel. Don’t try to protect me.”
He frowns. “But I don’t want to hurt you.”
“It’s okay. If this is going to work, you can’t push my needs before your own. You need to take care of yourself.”
He puffs up his cheeks. “I’ll try. It won’t be easy because all I care about is your happiness, but you’re right. I need to take care of myself, too.” He gives me a brave smile. “You have no idea how happy I am right now. The old me would feel guilty because I’m here and Andy isn’t, but I don’t feel that way right now. Well, I guess I feel a little guilty, but I hope I’ll allow myself to trust that I do deserve good things. I think you’re right that he forgives me and wants me to live a good life.”
I smile “Of course he does.”
His face turns serious. “Lexi,” he says softly as he gazes into my eyes. “There’s something else I need to tell you. I can’t believe I forgot to mention it.”
“What?”
He hesitates. “Why I pushed you away for Andy in sixth grade.”
“He was a fun kid and a good friend. I shouldn’t have been jealous.”
He shakes his head. “No. That’s not the reason. I hung out with Andy because I wanted to stay away from you.”
I stare at him, my heart going still. “What? Why?”
He caresses my cheek with the back of his finger. “Because I was falling in love with you. I was only twelve and didn’t understand what was happening to me. One day, you and I were friends and everything was normal when we held hands or when you smiled at me. But then suddenly, things changed. I thought about you a lot. I dreamed about you. My cheeks were always hot when you were around. I got all weird and tingly when you held my hand. I thought about kissing you, like, all the time. As I got older, I realized I was in love with you.”
I continue to stare at him.
“So I hung out with Andy because I was confused about what was happening to me. I thought things would go back to normal and my feelings for you would go away. Andy made me forget. It was wrong to use him like that, but I did like spending time with him. He was a good friend.” I shake my head. “It was so silly.”
“Why didn’t you tell me how you felt?” I ask.
He shrugs. “We were twelve. We were best friends. None of the other guys felt that way about you and that just made me feel even more confused. I honestly thought something was wrong with me, which is why I pushed you away.” He rests his forehead on mine. “But I swear I’ll never push you away again.”
“I know you won’t.”
He pulls back to look at me intensely. “Lexi, my feelings for you have never changed, even though I ignored you for four years. I haven’t stopped loving you. I pushed my feelings deep inside me as a way to forget you, but my heart always cried for you.” He gives me a shy smile. “I love you, Alexis West. You’re my dream girl. You’re my everything.”
My entire body is abuzz. My heart pounds in my head, my lungs are about to burst, and the butterflies are working overtime.
I fling my arms around him. “I love you, too, Brock! I think I always have, ever since we were kids. I didn’t notice it back then, but my feelings for you have always been strong. And when you came back from Boston, it was like everything was falling into place. A part of me left with you to Boston, but I became whole again when you came back. Why do you think I’m so obsessed with you? I’ve been obsessed with you forever and I’m not ashamed to admit it. Because my life is nothing without you in it. Some might say that’s not healthy, but I don’t care. I know what I want, I know who I love. And that’s you.”
He holds me close. “I know who I love. Who I’m obsessed with. And that’s you.”
“We have a lot to work on,” I tell him. “We have a long way to go. But you’re worth it, Brock Hastings.”
I lean forward and kiss his cheek. His entire face goes red, which makes him look so adorable.
He rests his forehead on mine again. “Thanks for giving me a chance,” he whispers.
“It’s not a chance. It’s fate. We were always meant to be together. Our friends knew it. Our siblings and parents knew it. And deep down, we knew it, too.”
His face brightens in a way it never did before. And the emotion that stands out the most? Love. Deep, intense love for me. “Yeah, we did,” he says.
We stay snuggled together for what feels like hours. We don’t say much because we don’t have to. We’re just comfortable in each other’s arms.
It’s the only place we want to be.