Chapter Forty-Two
Brock
Lexi holds onto me tightly as we zoom down the streets on Wednesday after school. We’re about to do something difficult for me, but I want to do it.
Lexi keeps squeezing me, like she’s giving me a message that she’s here for me. When we stop at a red light, I reach down and place my hand over hers.
It doesn’t take long for us to reach our destination. I help Lexi off and we take in the area around us.
It’s the Edenbury cemetery. I’ve been here many times in the past—visiting Dad’s parents, Mom’s brother, and other friends and relatives.
I haven’t stepped foot in here in four years. But today, we’re not just visiting the usual people—there’s another person I need to see.
Lexi slides her hand in mine, giving me an encouraging smile. “You good?”
I swallow the lump in my throat and nod, giving her hand a gentle squish.
“It’s this way,” she tells me before we make our way to Andy’s grave. She’s been here a few times, especially after he died.
My lungs feel like concrete as we walk deeper into the cemetery. I knew this was going to be hard, but I didn’t expect it to be this hard. But I’m so thankful I have my amazing girlfriend with me. I wouldn’t be able to do this without her.
We reach the grave and I take a few minutes to read the tombstone. Andy Hansen, a beautiful boy taken from this world too quickly.
Tears prick my eyes when negative thoughts enter my mind, telling me it’s my fault he was taken from this world too quickly. I tell it to be quiet. I don’t know how the world works—why people die young. I believe things happen for a reason, so there’s no use blaming myself for his death. It’s going to take me a while to fully accept that, but I’m doing well so far.
I wouldn’t be where I am if not for my parents, friends, my therapist, all the people who love and care for me. And especially the girl standing beside me.
Bending forward, I place my hand on the tombstone. I shut my eyes and take a deep breath, releasing it slowly.
“Brock, do you want some privacy?” Lexi asks.
My eyes open. “You don’t have to leave.”
She strokes my cheek. “It’s okay. I’ll visit my dad in the meantime.”
“Okay.”
She gives my hand another squeeze before walking off.
I turn toward Andy’s grave again. “Hey, Andy,” I whisper. “I hope you’re happy, wherever you are. Maybe you’re playing basketball all the time? I hope you’re demolishing your opponents.” I laugh sadly. “Sorry it took me so long to come here. I don’t know if you can see what goes on here, but I was in Boston the past few years. I blamed myself for what happened to you. Everyone keeps telling me it wasn’t my fault. Maybe they’re right—I’m trying to convince myself the same. But I want to apologize. I’m so sorry, Andy. I never meant for things to happen the way they did. I don’t know why I called after you. I was so dumb.” I shake my head. “I don’t want to linger on the past. I don’t want to be miserable all the time. But I also don’t know if I can truly move on until I ask for your forgiveness. I’m sorry you won’t get to go pro like you wanted. I’m sorry you’ll never fall in love or get married or have kids.” I laugh lightly. “You hated romance, but I bet you would have been the most romantic guy on the planet. So sickly romantic. But it sucks that you’ll never experience any of that. I just hope you’re happy. And I hope you can forgive me for everything I’ve done. I know you’d want me to live a good life, so I’ll do just that. And I’ll always remember you. Promise.”
Wind blows around me. Mom and Dad would say that’s Andy communicating with me and telling me he hears every word. I’m not sure if that’s true, but I’d like to think he’s listening.
I shut my eyes and say a few more words to him, talking about memories and the good times we had. I also promise to visit again. I remain for a little while longer before finding Lexi at her dad’s grave.
I wrap my arms around her waist, resting my head on hers. She looks up at me. “Everything okay?”
I nod. “Yeah. I think I felt him. I don’t know.”
She drapes her arms around me. “Pretty sure you did.”
I hug her close, drawing as much comfort as I can from her while giving her some as well. I know coming here isn’t easy for her, even though it’s been nearly ten years since her dad died.
Lexi introduces me to her dad as her boyfriend. We talk to him for a bit, then we make our way to my grandparents and Uncle Brock’s graves, where I introduce them to my beautiful girlfriend. Uncle Brock didn’t have a chance to live his life, either. But his memory lives on through me. If I have a kid one day, I’m going to name him or her Andy, so his memory can live on as well.