Chapter 2
EMILIO
"I don't know, man, I can't do it. I wouldn't even know what to say to them."
My friend Eddy had brought his boyfriend over to my house to ask a favor and right now I was shaking my head and staring daggers at him. I didn't need this shit. Life was busy.
"It's really not that hard," Jase insisted.
He flipped open the cover of a display folder he'd dropped onto the table in front of me.
"Most of the questions or requests fall into one of a few categories, and I've got a suggestion list for each of those scenarios.
Doesn't matter which one you pick, or you can suggest them all. As long as you write something!"
I looked reluctantly at the first page.
It was a list of LGBTQ+ clubs and bars broken down by district.
I scanned the entries for the CBD and North Sydney...
most of them I knew - I had an active social life after all - but there were a few I'd never heard of.
I wondered if I should take a note of them myself.
Turning the page, I saw a similar list, this time restaurants of different cuisines.
"A lot of people are just looking for date ideas," Jase tapped the page, "so I usually suggest something fairly generic, unless their email has given me any hints about their personality or preferences. Remember, it's one and done... they write in, you answer, and that's it. No followup. Easy."
"Just like you guys, right?"
"What do you mean?"
"Didn't you exchange quite a few emails?"
"Oh, yeah. Well, that was a mistake...I mean..."
"Hey!" Eddy's protest cut off anything Jase was about to say. "I don't like being referred to as a mistake!"
"Fuck off!" Jase playfully elbowed Eddy in the ribs. "You know what I mean. I could've lost my job over that."
"Too late, I'm offended!"
"Aw, I'll just have to make it up to you, babe," Jase moved in close to his boyfriend, wrapping his arms around him and getting in real close. Oh, dios mio! I was about to get one of their revolting displays of PDA.
"Not here, you guys! I haven't gotten laid since last weekend! I don't wanna have to watch your shit," I warned them. The PDA between these two was always disgustingly intense. They hadn't got past the honeymoon stage of their relationship... yet.
"Oooh, pla-y-e-r..." Eddy made faces at me.
"Haha. I play but I don't stay, okay? Not falling for any of the feelings bullshit."
"Sure, Emilio. One day you're gonna find the man of your dreams and we're gonna be the ones laughing."
"You'll be too busy sucking face to notice," I shot back.
We were just playing with each other. Honestly, I was glad for Eddy.
His last boyfriend had been a real dick to him.
Eddy had written in to Aunt Macie for advice - the same 'Aunt Macie' who they were now trying to convince me to be while they went on a six-week holiday to Europe - and somehow had come out of it with Jase as his boyfriend.
Jase was paid to answer the LGBTQ+ questions that Aunt Macie's advice column received but he had definitely not stuck to his one-and-done philosophy in Eddy's case.
Eh, it was cute enough, but unlike Eddy and Jase, I liked variety in my sex life and was really only interested in hookups right now.
Anything more repetitive sounded boring.
My social life kept me busy, I didn't need a second job, and...
"C'mon, Emilio, you'd be great at it," begged Eddy.
I flicked to the next page of the folder, frowning in disbelief as I read the page.
"What the fuck?"
Jase released his boyfriend and came to look over my shoulder.
"Oh, that's for people that need help with breaking the ice with a stranger... a lot of the people who write in are introverts."
"Does this shit actually work?" I asked, eyes literally bugging out as I read the lines he'd put together.
I never had any trouble talking to someone new, so it wasn't something I had to think about.
There were only a few entries and clearly Jase had been struggling to come up with anything original:
Hey handsome, wanna go for a drink?
I saw you here and I couldn't help coming over.
Hey, is this seat free?
Hey. I'm ____ . What should I call you?
Do you come here often?
Carajo! I slapped my hand over my face.
"What's wrong with it?" demanded Jase, scowling.
"Boring, boring, boring. These guys are coming to you to ignite their sex lives, not to bury their chances under a pile of steaming mierda!"
"Relationships, not necessarily sex. And you don't have to use any of these suggestions," Jase's tone was defensive now, "They're just to make the job easier for anyone filling in. You can suggest anything you like, within reason. Just don't get me sacked from my job because of it!"
"Yeah, well maybe I will do this. Looks like you need my help after all."
The long drawn-out sniff told me what Jase thought of that, but I was right. His game could do with a little freshening up.
"So you'll do it?" Eddy sounded so hopeful, how could I refuse? I knew this holiday was important to him.
"Sí, claro! For you, I will do it!" And for all the poor men who need better guidance than this, I thought.
Eddy squealed. "Thanks, Emi, you're the best!"
He came rushing over and nearly choked me with a bearhug. It wasn't surprising he thought this holiday was a big deal, since his old boyfriend never wanted to do anything fun with him.
"Yeah, thanks Emilio. I appreciate it," Jase chimed in.
"Welcome," I said. Then a thought hit me and I nearly choked on my own spit in my sudden panic. "Hey, wait! What if a lesbian writes in with something specific - I won't be able to answer!"
"Oh, that doesn't happen often. But you can ring Aima. Her number's in the back there. She's a friend of mine. Her and her girlfriend have helped me out a couple of times. She's promised to help anytime."
"Okay, then, phew!" my heartrate dropped back to normal and I ran my hand across my brow in an exaggerated gesture. "Tell me what else I need to know."
"Just the logins and passwords. And I can loan you the company laptop if you promise to keep it safe."
"Sure. No hay problemo, parcero. It will be safe with me."
I looked at the folder again. It definitely needed updating. I wasn't just going to be Aunt Macie for six weeks, I was going to be the new and less conservative Aunt Macie.
"Oh, and there's a budget too. You can pay for flowers to be sent, give gift vouchers for dinners and shit like that. Whatever you think is appropriate. That part of it is kinda fun. You need to keep receipts though."
"That's how you guys met, right?"
"Oh my God, YES!" Eddy shrieked. He literally glowed any time someone reminded him how incredibly romantic their meeting had been.
"You literally bought your boyfriend," I teased Jase.
"I did not!" Jase spluttered. "He was supposed to have dinner with his douche of a boyfriend. I just went to check everything was fine."
"And lucky you did," Eddy crooned, getting in close again and batting his eyelashes at Jase. Dios, they were sickening.
I sighed.
"The bedroom is that way," I pointed down the hall, "Otherwise get out of my house before you make me see my lunch again."