Chapter 7
I lifted my fluffy blue slipper-clad feet up onto the couch and bit my bottom lip. We hadn’t revealed many real-life details. Should I ask him where he lived? Or mention where I lived? Would that be too forward?
Did I even want to know? Sometimes the fantasy was better than the reality. I’m picturing him somewhere in New England, or maybe even actual England.
And then there’s always the chance that he could be a serial killer.
No. He couldn’t be.
He might worry that I’m a serial killer—or at least a stalker—if I asked him where he was located. We hadn’t even exchanged real names. I sighed, deleting the words I’d started typing.
CastGamer55: I am also not a beach type of guy. You won’t find me at a pool party or amusement park or anything like that. Crowds aren’t my thing, especially when everyone’s sweating and intoxicated.
SawyerRox4: Oh, same! I nearly threw up this morning after a meeting when I realized I’d forgotten to decline a coworker’s bachelorette party … so she was expecting me to go. Fortunately, I must’ve actually looked sick, pale, or green or something, so she suggested I stay home.
SawyerRox4: Sorry if that’s TMI
CastGamer55: Was she not a friend? Or why did you feel sick about it?
SawyerRox4: Oh it was a pool party at some swanky house. And no, not really a friend … just, it’s hard to explain, you don’t want to hear about it.
I bit my lip harder this time, wanting to erase everything I’d just said.
What was I thinking? Danny didn’t need to know about my mortifying social anxiety.
I always went to great efforts to hide it from people.
Apart from wanting to avoid further embarrassment for myself, I didn’t want to burden anyone with my problems.
SawyerRox4: Anyway, we should start discussing the player profiles tonight, right? I wrote down a few ideas …
CastGamer55: Yes, we should. But I do want to hear about your rough morning; that’s why I asked. Still, if you don’t want to talk about it, that’s fine.
SawyerRox4: Oh, trust me, you don’t
CastGamer55: Mindy, I do trust you. As much as I can trust someone I’ve never met, of course. But you can trust me too.
My fingers stilled over the keyboard. I couldn’t really tell him, could I? I never, ever talked to anyone about this. It was bad enough that most people probably guessed I suffered from debilitating shyness and social anxiety; I wasn’t in the habit of confirming it by admitting my shame.
Then again, we were basically anonymous. We knew very little about each other outside of our Cast Afar interests. What harm could it do?
A lot of harm! Don’t be stupid and lose one of your only “friends.”
But what was the point of having friends if one couldn’t confide in them?
CastGamer55: Mindy, still there? I didn’t mean to pressure you. Sorry.
SawyerRox4: No, it’s OK. You have nothing to apologize for…
SawyerRox4: It’s just not easy to talk about. You see, I’m very shy.
CastGamer55: Oh, really? I wouldn’t have guessed it. You don’t seem shy to me. But there’s nothing wrong with being shy either. My sister used to be a little shy.
SawyerRox4: No, you don’t understand. I’m extremely shy. Like, I go out of my way to avoid social situations because I’m terrified of them. I always decline invites. The few I’ve actually gone to have been a disaster.
CastGamer55: Ah, I see. But I wonder if they were really a disaster or if that was just your perception.
SawyerRox4: I think they were, but you’re right. It’s hard to say, but either way I end up feeling terrible and regretting even trying :(
CastGamer55: I think I understand. My sister struggled a bit in school at first, kind of like you describe. But eventually she seemed to get more comfortable around people. Now, you’d never know that she used to struggle with that.
SawyerRox4: Wow .
CastGamer55: Honestly, you seem socially adept too. I wouldn’t have guessed that interacting with people is so hard for you. If I’ve ever put pressure on you to talk more than you’d feel comfortable, I am sorry.
SawyerRox4: No, no, you’ve never done that. And I’m actually not that shy online. Sometimes quite the opposite ... it’s weird
SawyerRox4: So anyway, that’s why I felt physically ill this morning. I almost had to actually GO to a party and interact. Thank goodness I looked as sick as I felt, I guess.
CastGamer55: Sorry to hear your morning was so rough. I can’t imagine how hard that must be.
SawyerRox4: So you’re not shy then. Outgoing?
CastGamer55: I wouldn’t say I’m outgoing. I don’t really like talking to people that much, especially not small talk, but it doesn’t scare me. Perhaps I’m just impatient. In any case though, you’re fine as you are, Mindy. You don’t need to be outgoing, and it’s OK if you’re shy.
SawyerRox4: Ah. I wish I believed that …
CastGamer55: Why don’t you?
CastGamer55: Wait, let me guess. Family or friends pressuring you or not accepting you?
SawyerRox4: Yeah. Being shy isn’t OK in my family. It’s seen as rude or weak or something.
CastGamer55: Rude? Hardly. Weak? The exact opposite – you have to be so brave to fight anxiety every day. And being shy or not is like being tall or short. Not better or worse than any other trait.
SawyerRox4: Well, trying telling that to my parents. “Shy” was a bad word in our house … it was like the worst thing I could be
CastGamer55: So, you never felt accepted as you are?
SawyerRox4: No. Far from it.
CastGamer55: I’m so sorry. You deserve better. I hope you know that .
The tears were streaming down my face now, and I had to grab a tissue from the end table to blow my nose.
I felt seen.
I never, ever felt that way.
The intensity of feelings coursing through me was overwhelming, and I tried to swallow the thick lump in my throat.
SawyerRox4: I know it … in theory. Not sure I truly believe it though
CastGamer55: I can understand that.
SawyerRox4: Thank you. You have no idea how much this means, your understanding. Your acceptance.
CastGamer55: You’re welcome, Mindy.
CastGamer55: So, your parents: have they lightened up at all on the criticism over the years? I’m assuming you’re an adult now.
SawyerRox4: I’m an adult, yes, lol. Probably something we should’ve established months ago, haha
SawyerRox4: Anyway, my parents … my dad is OK, but he rarely communicates his thoughts and feelings, so I have no idea what he’s thinking usually. Really passive-aggressive. Mom, on the other hand, is still really hard on me all the time.
SawyerRox4: I actually had a really bad call with her a week or two ago, and she gave me a hard time about lots of things
CastGamer55: Sorry to hear that. Do you want to talk about it?
SawyerRox4: Not really. I’m trying to tell myself I’m over it … I don’t or shouldn’t need my parents’ approval for anything. But again, it’s one of those things I believe in theory but maybe not in practice, you know?
CastGamer55: I get it. More than you know .
Should I ask him what that meant? I set the laptop on the couch and padded over to the kitchen to get the half-eaten sandwich I’d stored in the fridge and then refilled my water bottle.
Why did you ask something so personal? Now he’ll probably balk and shut down the chat.
Then again, I just revealed something super personal.
Ah, worth a shot.
I ignored the doubting voice in my head as I returned to my computer and typed the question before I could think about it too much.
SawyerRox4: Care to swap depressing stories then?
CastGamer55: Well, that sounds like fun.
SawyerRox4: That’s me, always a riot!
CastGamer55: I don’t like self-deprecating on you, Mindy. You often do that. I wonder if you think people don’t notice?
SawyerRox4: Eh, maybe … but you’re deflecting. Please, tell me a story about your troubled past, if you have one, so I’m not feeling weird being the only one…
I watched as the three dots indicating he was typing appeared and disappeared several times. Was I being too pushy? I stuffed a large bite of the sandwich in my mouth and started chewing, only to nearly spit it out when I saw his next message.
CastGamer55: My father left when I was young. Left my mom, all of us. He went on a trip with friends and then called to say he wasn’t coming back.
SawyerRox4: Oh my :0 ... That’s heartbreaking. I’m so sorry, Danny.
CastGamer55: Well, it felt awful at the time. But we were better off without him. He was totally irresponsible, not fit to be a parent or a spouse. He only cared about himself and living wild and free as he called it. In other words, living irresponsibly and selfishly and recklessly.
SawyerRox4: Wow, I can’t even imagine. My parents made a lot of mistakes, but nothing so bad as that. I knew they weren’t going anywhere, and they were pretty responsible. But your situation must have been so hard :( :( :(
CastGamer55: Don’t discount your own experiences. Sometimes we’re better off when a toxic person leaves us.
SawyerRox4: True, but that couldn’t have been easy to understand as a child
CastGamer55: No, not at first. My sister took it harder, I think, but I did my best to take care of her because Mom had to start working extra jobs to pay the bills. She meant well, but she was never around.
SawyerRox4: Dare I ask, do you have a decent relationship with your dad now?
CastGamer55: No.
SawyerRox4: A bad one then?
CastGamer55: We’ve had NO relationship since he left. He’s tried calling a few times over the years, but I refuse to engage. I have no desire to know him.
SawyerRox4: Do you think he’s changed?
CastGamer55: I doubt it, but I don’t care.
SawyerRox4: That’s understandable. Well, thank you for sharing that. It’s probably not an easy story to tell
CastGamer55: It used to be hard. I’d be embarrassed or even try to hide it from the kids at school, teachers, etc. But over time, it got easier, as most things do.
SawyerRox4: Do you talk to your mom and sis often?
CastGamer55: I don’t talk to my mother that often, outside of the major holidays.
I remember her being a loving mother when I was really little, but when my father left, it changed her.
She was always working, kind of emotionally distant.
We knew she loved us, but there was just this distance and strain.
It’s still there but kind of hard to explain.
SawyerRox4: I can see that. So it’s almost like you lost two parents:*(
CastGamer55: I suppose so. My sister and I were always close though. Still are. How about you, any siblings?
SawyerRox4: Nope. I always wished for one, but I think they had fertility issues. I’m not sure because they’ve never been very open about it.
SawyerRox4: Look at us, a couple of fan forum addicts discussing our depressing family history
SawyerRox4: I mean, not a couple . A pair. Two people. Friends? You know what I mean.
CastGamer55: Relax, Mindy. Of course we’re friends. I don’t talk about personal things or my family with most people.
SawyerRox4: 3
CastGamer55: So, it’s getting kind of late, do you still want to talk about the player profiles for the game?
SawyerRox4: I’m kind of tired, but we can if you want to.
CastGamer55: No, I don’t want to keep you up. If you’re tired, you should sleep.
SawyerRox4: You’re a kind person, Danny-o.
CastGamer55: Well, that ’s not something I hear very often.
SawyerRox4: People don’t think you’re kind?? Are they idiots?
CastGamer55: LOL, sometimes they’re idiots. But no, kind isn’t the first thing that comes to people’s minds when they think of me. But I’m OK with that.
SawyerRox4: Oh, so you reserve your sweet side for me?
CastGamer55: First I’m kind, now I’m sweet? Trust me when I say no one’s ever called me sweet before. At least not since I was a toddler.
SawyerRox4: Aww, well, as you said, they’re idiots
CastGamer55: Sure, Mindy. And thank you.
SawyerRox4: No, thank you, Danny. You have no idea how much your words meant to me tonight.
Ah, was that over the top? It was the absolute truth, but maybe I was admitting too much. I sounded pathetic, probably. I frowned, wishing there was a delete button.
I blinked a few times when my eyes settled on my unfinished sandwich I’d throw on the end table. My appetite had vanished.
CastGamer55: You’re welcome. And back at you.
SawyerRox4: 3 3 3