Chapter 14 #2
I wiped my face, which surely looked gross with my mascara-laced tears and blotchy, puffy skin.
“I know, and I think I already knew that. Julia and I—that’s my friend who was also dating his friend simultaneously—we talked about it a lot.
She helped me heal, or as much as anyone could.
” I sniffed. “But his words never left me because … they just confirmed what I’d already suspected about myself.
And my parents ... well, they never came right out and said it, but I know they’ve always found me lacking. They—they still do.”
When I dared look into her eyes, they were filled with kindness and empathy. Not pity. Thank goodness. “I mean, how could I expect anyone to accept me if my own parents don’t? ”
She grasped both my hands and squeezed. “I get it, Roxy, I really do. It hasn’t always been easy with my parents either. I know they love me, but … Well, I’m not going to ramble about me. I want to help you. What can I do?”
I breathed in and out slowly. “The shocking thing is that I actually said a couple of harsh things to him today, and for a second, I think he was intrigued . He said I’d changed … and then he said—he said it still wasn’t enough to interest him.” I felt a round of fresh tears fall.
“Oh, honey, you don’t want interest from a guy like that,” she said in a soothing tone while squeezing my hands again.
“I know. I’d never go out with him again. I–I don’t have feelings for Andrew anymore. But it still hurt.”
And that’s what upset me more than anything. That he could still hurt me.
“Of course it did. Because you’re human.”
I squeezed her hands and then let them go to grab another tissue. “You’re here as a friend, aren’t you? Not a boss.”
Hazel smiled. “Now you’re getting it.” Then her expression sobered. “But you should get out of here. Take the rest of the day off. Hole up in your apartment with your favorite ice cream and a fluffy blanket and hot cocoa, and what’s that show you’re into about the island thing?”
“ Cast Afar ,” I said. “Some day, when I’m not a blubbering mess, I’ll tell you about this board game thing I’ve been working on with a friend.” I looked down. “If you’re interested, that is. I mean, it’s OK if you’re not—”
“I’d love to hear about it! You know, Peter and I actually bonded over Monopoly. You wouldn’t believe—”
A throat clearing startled us both, and we turned to look at the source.
I flinched.
No, no, it can’t be.
If he’s standing there, he probably heard me saying some absolutely mortifying things. And I must look like a bus just ran over me.
Contemplating the possibility of never showing up to work again, I dabbed at my eyes to dry them, trying not to smear whatever remaining makeup I had.
“How long have you been standing there, Jeff?” Hazel asked in the sharpest tone I’d ever heard her use with him.
I chanced a look at him, hoping I was wrong and he hadn’t actually heard much.
No such luck.
Jeff’s face was white, and his features were arranged in an expression I’d never seen. Shock? Anguish? Horror? Pain?
But those reactions didn’t make sense. Well, maybe shock. But the others? No, I must be misreading him. It had happened often enough before.
He stared at us, almost through us, like he’d seen a ghost. “I apologize. I didn’t mean to eavesdrop. The door was open, and I just came to ask about the agenda—”
“Jeff.” Hazel’s lips pressed together as she studied him. “You look terrible. Why don’t you go home too? We can all take the day off.”
He nodded, his mind seeming to be elsewhere as his eyes still revealed those same intense but confusing emotions. As he turned to go, he collided hard with the door frame. But without so much as a curse or an ouch , he was gone before I could blink.
I blew my nose and started to gather my things. “I should go, before he does. I don’t really want another run-in with him before I leave.” I paused. “Unless you want me to stay and work?”
Hazel stared at the door he’d left open and then back at me. “Did he look pale to you? I mean, paler than usual? He was so not himself.”
“Yeah, he was acting weird.” I sighed. “Your guess is as good as mine. I gave up trying to figure him out a long time ago.”
An odd look of regret crossed her face before she nodded. “I know you did. Maybe we all did.”
∞∞ ∞
The following evening, I curled up on the couch and opened my laptop. I had spent more than enough time wallowing—OK, mostly sleeping—and I felt bad about not telling Danny I couldn’t chat last night. I just hadn’t had the energy or desire to do anything except sleep.
But I was feeling over-rested now and surprisingly clear-headed. Sure, my eyes were still puffy, and my head hurt, but I knew some ibuprofen would fix it.
I quickly navigated to the fan site that Danny and I used to chat. I barely even went to the actual fan forum anymore because, to be honest, I was only interested in chatting with him now. Sure, I had a few other Internet buddies on the site, but I rarely talked to them anymore.
Hmm, that’s odd. He didn’t message me at all last night.
The chat tool said he was offline and hadn’t been online for two days.
Why?
I searched my memory, trying to figure out if I might have offended or annoyed him the last time we chatted. I couldn’t think of anything significant.
Then again, maybe it was just a late night at work. I’d just leave the chat window open while I watch some TV. Or maybe I should fold that load of clean towels sitting in a basket on the recliner that was used more often as a table than as a place to sit.
Maybe you’d be less depressed if you weren’t such a slob around the house.
I squeezed my eyes shut to block out those thoughts. All thoughts.
Maybe I’d just snooze on the couch for a bit. Sleep was the only guaranteed thought-blocker.
But when I woke with a start at 10 p.m., I still hadn’t heard from Danny. He was nearly always online by this time, and his status still said he’d been offline since two nights ago.
I frowned as my fingers clasped the remote, but I found myself reluctant to press Play. I wasn’t in the mood. I should probably just go to bed.
I’d told Hazel I wanted to take the rest of the week off, and she was fine with it. She applauded me, actually. It was a bizarre conversation, but I was glad to have her approval nonetheless—not to mention relieved that I wouldn’t have to face Jeff after that last awkward encounter.
The next day came and went, with still no sign of Danny and no update on his offline status. That night, I couldn’t even watch Cast Afar . It just made me think of him, and I didn’t want to think about the guy who was ghosting me.
Is it really ghosting you though if you were never in a relationship?
He was always bound to get bored with this. With you.
I bit my lip, tasting a salty tear seep through the corner of my mouth.
Maybe he had a good reason. Things came up. We were just friends, and he wasn’t obligated to tell me if he was too busy to chat. I wasn’t going to be weird about this.
Yet that night, and the next three nights, I watched Lost instead of Cast Afar .