11. Grown Up So Much
GROWN UP SO MUCH
TARA
After yet another quiet weekend at home, Monday arrives, and I find myself sitting at a small cafeteria at the hospital, staring into the face of a man I haven’t seen since I was fifteen years old.
Dad looks much older, like the past twelve years have been particularly unkind to him.
I want to say that it’s karma, but even I’m not that awful.
His once round, cheerful face is gaunt, and he’s hooked up to various bags of fluid attached to a pole on wheels.
A nurse had wheeled him down here five minutes after I arrived.
I’d purposely scheduled this catch up before work so that I had an excuse to bail early, but now I’m thinking I should have gone up to his room instead of meeting for coffee.
He doesn’t look like he should be out of bed.
He runs his gaze over me, his eyes filling with tears, and it takes all my willpower to remain here, instead of running for the hills. I don’t think I can do this. I’m not built to handle this sort of emotional turmoil.
“You’ve grown up so much,” he says finally, his voice catching.
I don’t really have a response to that, so I just nod. I doubt anyone looks the same after twelve years, regardless of age. But the last time he saw me, I was an awkward teenager with braces.
“Your little sisters look just like you,” he continues, oblivious to the fact that mentioning his other family might not go down well.
I grip the arm of the metal chair I’m sitting in and grit my teeth. “That’s nice.”
“And Annelisa? Is she well?”
I nod. “Yes. She lives in London now.”
“Oh. Your mother didn’t mention that when we spoke.” His smile drops away, and he looks even older.
“She’s been there for a couple of years,” I reply with a shrug.
“Is she still with Will? Those two were inseparable.”
The fact he can remember Will is surprising, as they’d only been together a few months before Dad blew up our family unit.
“No. She left him when she moved.”
He must sense my reluctance to go into any further detail about Annelisa’s life, as he shifts the questions back to me.
“And you? You must be beating men off with a stick. Anyone special?”
Why is that always the first question people ask? Like having a significant other is the most important thing once you reach a certain age?
“Nope. Just me. I’m about to get a cat.” I don’t know why I added that part.
Guess I really wanted him to know that I’m that kind of single.
“Oh. That’s nice.” He clears his throat while reaching forward to pick up the glass of water I’d poured for him.
His hand shakes a little, and I find my heart softening slightly. “So, how are Jo and the girls?”
Although I’ve refused contact with him, I know he married the assistant he knocked up and they have two girls together.
“Good. Jordan is eleven and Piper is seven. Both little redheads, like you and Lis. ”
I swallow hard. “Guess you got your do-over, then.” I can’t stop the words as they fall out of my mouth.
Dad winces, drawing in a sharp breath. “It was never like that, Tara. I never wanted things to happen the way they did. I never wanted to lose you girls. And Jordan and Piper aren’t replacements for you. Not a day has gone by where I haven’t missed you both with all my heart.”
I’m quiet for a moment. “Do they know about us?”
“Yes. When they were younger, they used to beg to meet you both. The idea that they had two sisters that they never met was something neither of them could understand. They’ve seen photos, though.” He pauses, cocking his head to the side. “Would you like to meet them?”
A lump forms in my throat. “I don’t know. I’ll have to think about it. It’s all a lot.”
“Of course. I understand.”
I don’t think I can handle much more.
I look at my phone and am relieved to have an excuse to leave. “I should get going. I need to get to work.”
Dad nods, but I can see the sadness in his eyes. “Right. You must be very important there. Your mum mentioned you’ve been there for a few years.”
I shrug. “Not that important. I’m just an assistant broker.”
“If there’s one thing I know about you, Tara, it’s that you’re not ‘just’ anything. I’m sure you run that place.”
I resist the obvious retort, holding back the urge to say ‘well, you don’t know me, do you’. Because it was my choice not to have any contact with this man, and now he’s dying. It’s obvious that he won’t be leaving this place, and the reality of that is hard to deal with.
I get to my feet, grabbing my handbag. “I’ll get a nurse to come and get you. I’ll…” I take a deep breath. “I’ll try to come back soon, okay?”
“I would really like that, baby girl. ”
Hearing his favourite term for me, I feel something inside of me split open, and I can’t speak, so I nod and all but flee the cafeteria. I ask the front desk to call up to have someone come and get him, and hop into a cab, feeling like a coward.
I know as soon as I sit down at my desk that I should have called in sick. My plan to use work as an excuse to leave has backfired on me, and now I have to spend the rest of the day trying to act like I didn’t just have the hardest conversation of my life.
Doing my best to avoid breaking down in the office, I go through the motions of my usual morning routine, firing up my laptop and opening all the programs before heading to the lunchroom to put my food in the fridge.
“Morning Tara. How was your weekend?” Celeste asks, looking up briefly from where she’s busy making several hot drinks.
“Fine, thanks. Yours?” I manage to reply, hearing the rasp in my voice and wincing.
Thankfully, Celeste doesn’t notice and starts prattling on about her weekend. I pretend to listen, making all the appropriate noises, before escaping as soon as it’s polite to do so.
I know I’m on the verge of a breakdown, and I look over towards Aiden’s office.
The absence of any hot chocolate on my desk tells me he hasn’t arrived yet.
The blinds behind the glass wall are closed, but I can see through the open door that it’s empty, so I duck inside, closing the door behind me just as the tears start to flow.
Struggling to breathe, I begin to sob, doubling over before leaning against the wall and sliding to the floor.
I haven’t cried like this in years. Not since Dad first left, and it’s like I’m right back in my childhood bedroom.
Memories of that time come flooding back, making me cry harder as I remember that awful night.
Lis and I had come home from school to find Mum in a heap on the floor, crying so hard she could barely tell us that Dad had packed up and left.
When Will had arrived, he’d given me a massive hug while I cried in his arms. He’d then disappeared into Annelisa’s room, and I was all alone in my room.
Until Kylie arrived, alerted by an SOS text from her brother.
I’d never been more grateful for her presence, having only met her a few short months beforehand.
But she’d blazed into mine and Bri’s lives, and made those awful early days of my parents’ divorce so much easier to deal with.
She and Will were a blessing to my family, along with their parents.
But now they are both off living their own lives, and I’m sitting on the floor of my boss’s office trying to keep the broken parts of myself together while dealing with the reality that I will never get back the years where I cut him out of my life.
That he grew a whole new family while Mum, Annelisa and I had to piece ours back together.
And I can’t even be mad at him.
Because he’s dying.