Chapter 40
I stared out the window at the falling snow. Flakes drifted down in lazy spirals. They blanketed the world in white. Silence was heavy. Only the radiator's faint hum broke it.
I hadn't moved from this spot in hours. My knees were pulled to my chest. My arms wrapped around them. I hoped to hold myself together. But I wasn't holding together. I was coming apart, thread by thread. I didn't know how to stop.
Mai tried to rouse me. Her voice was sharp with annoyance. She stood in the doorway, arms crossed. Her dark hair was in a messy bun. "Elena, are you sure you don't want to come?" she asked. Her tone was frustrated. "It's just a quick trip to the store. Fresh air might do you good."
I didn't answer. My eyes fixed on the snow. She knew the answer already. I hadn't wanted to go anywhere since I left Alexander. For a while, I blamed the kidnapping. The nightmares woke me gasping. I flinched if a van drove past. Every shadow seemed too long.
It was true, all of it. But it wasn't why I avoided the world. The kidnapping was a raw, aching wound. I knew it would heal with time. I'd get over it, eventually. I wasn't sure I'd ever get over Alexander.
No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't stop thinking about him. Everything about him was seared into my brain. His smell, like cedar and smoke. The low growl of his voice saying my name. It played on repeat, a song I couldn't turn off.
It haunted me. It reminded me of what I'd left behind. What I'd walked away from. A tear slipped down my cheek. It was hot against my cold skin. I ignored it. Crying was now normal for me. Doctors gave me medicine for nightmares. But there was no cure for a broken heart.
Mai sighed. The sound was heavy with annoyance.
She crossed the room. She sat beside me on the couch.
She took my hand. Her fingers were warm against mine.
I felt her concern settle over me. It was like a blanket.
"Elena, it's been weeks," she said. Her voice was softer now, but firm. "You can't keep doing this."
I shrugged. A lump formed in my throat. It was thick and suffocating. "I'm fine, Mai," I said. But the words felt hollow. Even to me.
Mai raised an eyebrow. Her dark eyes narrowed. "You're not fine. You're stuck here. You're feeling sorry for yourself. You haven't left in days. You need to get out and live again."
I sighed. I knew she was right. But facing the world without Alexander felt huge.
It was like stepping into a storm with no shelter.
I didn't know how to do it. I didn't know how to be me without him.
"I just... I don't know how," I admitted.
My voice was barely a whisper. "Everything feels. .. wrong."
Mai squeezed my hand. Her grip was firm, grounding. "I get it, Elena. I do. But you can't let him define you. You're stronger than this. You survived a kidnapping, for God's sake. You can survive this, too."
I nodded. But the words felt distant. They felt like they belonged to someone else. I wanted to believe her. I wanted to feel that strength she saw in me. But all I felt was the ache. The emptiness. "I miss him," I said. My voice broke. "I miss him so much it hurts."
Mai's expression softened. She leaned closer. Her shoulder brushed mine. "I know you do. But staying here, shutting yourself off, it's not going to fix anything. You need to talk to him, Elena. You need closure. Or you need to fight for him. But you can't just sit here and let it eat you alive."
I opened my mouth to argue. To tell her I wasn't ready.
But just then, Mai's phone rang. The sound was sharp and jarring.
It cut through the quiet room. She pulled it from her pocket.
She glanced at the screen. Her lips pressed into a thin line.
"It's Rachel," she said. Before I could protest, she answered.
She put the call on speaker. "Hey, Rachel. "
"Hey, Mai," Rachel's voice came through. It was warm and familiar. My chest tightened at the sound. "Is Elena there? I've been trying to reach her for weeks."
Mai handed me a tissue. I wiped at my tears. I realized belatedly my cheeks were wet. I hadn't even noticed. "I'm here," I said. My voice was rough. I cleared my throat, trying to sound normal. "I'm okay, I guess. How are you?"
Rachel laughed. The sound was bright and sharp. It cut through the fog in my mind. "That's a dumb question. My best friend is ignoring me. I've been trying to find a way to contact you. I'm worried about you, Elena."
I swallowed hard. Guilt twisted in my gut. I had missed Rachel, too. But I hadn't known how to face her. How to explain the mess I'd become. "I'm sorry," I said. My voice was small. "I just... I didn't know what to say."
"Hey, what's wrong with her?" Rachel asked Mai. Her tone shifted. Concern laced her words.
"She's still not over your brother," Mai replied. Her voice was dry. "And she won't listen to me about calling him."
Rachel snorted. The sound was loud, unladylike. "Yeah, well, that makes two of you. Pretty sure Alexander is sad. I would suggest a therapist. But he might actually kill me."
I frowned. My heart skipped a beat. I lifted my head, sniffling. Alexander was sad? The thought sent a jolt through me. It was sharp and unexpected. "If he's upset, it's not about me," I said. My voice trembled. "He was just fooling around."
When Rachel started laughing, I sat up, confused. My brow furrowed. "What's so funny?" I demanded. Irritation crept into my tone.
"New tactic," Mai cut in. She shot me a look. "You've got her attention. But you're gonna make her mad if you keep laughing at her."
Rachel sobered. Her laughter faded. But I could still hear the amusement. "Sorry. Just... Elena, I've seen my brother with other women. He never acted the way he did with you. With anyone else. He's very much in love with you."
I felt a surge of hope. It was fragile and flickering. Like a candle in a storm. Could it be true? Could Alexander feel the same way I did? "But... he let me go," I said. My voice was barely a whisper. "He never said anything or argued."
Rachel made an irritated noise. It was sharp and annoyed. "That's because he's a man. And men are stupid. But also because he's in love with you. And you got hurt because of him. He's punishing himself, Elena. He thinks he failed you. He's too stubborn to admit it."
I thought about Sophia, Alexander's daughter. My heart ached. "How's Sophia?" I asked. I tried to sound casual. But my voice wavered.
Rachel's tone softened. I could hear the love in her voice. "She's okay. She misses you, though. She keeps asking about you. She draws pictures of you and her together. She doesn't understand why you're gone."
My chest tightened. I pressed a hand to my heart. I felt the ache spread. I missed Sophia, too. I missed her laughter, her hugs. The way she'd cling to me like I was her anchor. "I miss her," I admitted. My voice broke.
Rachel's voice brought me back. It was sharp and insistent. "Elena, do you love him?"
I hesitated. Then I nodded, even though she couldn't see me. "Yes," I said. The word slipped out like a confession. It was raw and open.
"So then, what are you waiting for?" Rachel asked. Her tone was challenging. "Go see him. Tell him how you feel. You're both sad without each other. And you're both too stubborn to do anything about it."
I felt a surge of resolve. It was sudden and fierce.
Like a fire igniting in my chest. Mai was right.
Rachel was right. I couldn't keep hiding.
Couldn't keep letting fear and pain hold me back.
I was going to be brave. I was going to tell Alexander how I felt.
Even if it hurt. Even if he pushed me away.
I had to try. Because living without him wasn't living at all.
It was just surviving. And I was tired of it.