30. 30 Mae
30: Mae
“ H i, boy.” I grin as I ruffle up the tuft of hair on Radish’s head. He has a potential adopter coming today, and the shelter asked if I could be present to see if it helps. He comes out of his shell when around me. “Listen to me, buddy.” I crouch down in front of him. “Show them how amazing you are, okay? Give them a few kisses, sit on their lap, all the good stuff. Got it?”
Radish responds with a lick to my cheek, and I hop to my feet as the shelter doors are pushed open.
A short, middle-aged man walks in. He has a friendly face, and his eyes brighten as soon as they land on the dog by my feet.
“Hi, I’m Mae, a volunteer here. And this is Radish.” I gesture down. I know the smile I’m faking isn’t reaching my eyes. I haven’t been getting any sleep, and I must look haggard.
Every inch of my mind is filled with Nathan. I can’t even escape him in my dreams.
“Radish?” the man asks, cocking his head as he pets the dog. “Am I stuck with the name?”
My stomach drops. I’ve always known there’s a chance that an adopter wouldn’t keep the name, but I can’t think of Radish as anything else. He always comes running when I say it, but I need to disassociate myself from our connection.
“Not if you don't want to be,” I tell the man as I lead him into the adoption meeting room. It smells like dog shampoo and kibble, and the walls are lined with posters representing the responsibility of pet ownership and insurance costs.
Radish has been in a few times but tends to plop himself down in the corner and nap. I’m praying he picks up one of the toys and shows some personality today.
“Does he know any tricks?”
“Does ripping up root vegetables count?”
“What?”
“Nothing.” I shake my head. “He doesn't, but he’s a very smart boy. He’ll quickly pick up anything you teach him.”
The man nods and moves closer to Radish, who is sniffing at my feet. He gazes up at me with adoration, tongue loose and floppy. The man tries to gain his attention, but Radish doesn’t drag his eyes from me—not even when the man offers him a treat.
Minutes go by, and Radish doesn’t leave my side. Even when I move to the other side of the room and sit in the chipped plastic chair, I’m followed.
“It seems he has a favourite.”
I sigh, scratching under Radish’s chin. “I swear, he’s a great dog when you get to know him. And when he gets to know you.”
“I don’t doubt that.” The man’s smiling at me, but then he nods towards the door. “I think I’m done here. Is that okay?”
Disappointment and relief swarm me simultaneously. “Are you sure? I swear you won’t regret getting to know him.”
The man chuckles, face warm and bright. “It seems he’s already made his choice. I can’t compete with that. I’ll see myself out, thanks, Mae.”
I blink as he exits the room, running my hands through my hair before I kneel on the floor and wrap my arms around the proud dog before me.
“Happy with yourself?”
His response is a nuzzle, making me laugh.
I sigh. “You’re just like me, buddy.” A sad smile stretches my lips. “We haven’t quite worked out where we belong.”
“So let me get this straight. My father threatened you with photos of you and Nathan? What a piece of shit!” Poppy gags. “And now you and Nathan are…?”
“Nothing,” I say, my breathing slightly shaky. “We’re nothing.”
“Because you’re leaving?”
My shoulders rise in a shrug. “And because he’ll get kicked off the team.”
“So? He hates football.” Poppy focuses on her hair she’s braiding in her living room mirror. “I mean, he likes it but hates it at the same time. Likes to play it but hates the competitiveness.”
“I know, but he’s put up with his father’s abuse for years so that he can win for his mom. I can’t let that all be for nothing.”
“It’s not for nothing if he has you.”
The ground has been pulled from beneath me, and my heart has been wretched from my body. How can something that seemed so right suddenly vanish into nothing?
Memories of our time together flood my mind. Walks with Radish. Home-cooked meals. Sex in his bed where, after, I spent the night curled into his chest, watching chick flicks I know he secretly enjoyed even though he claimed he didn't. I even managed to convince him to try my favourite brand of cinnamon-flavoured ice cream, and despite his belief that he’d absolutely hate it, he actually enjoyed it. I even caught him throwing an extra tub into the shopping cart for himself when he thought I wasn’t looking.
“Mae?” Poppy whispers, and it isn’t until she sighs that I realise my eyes have welled with tears.
“I love him, Pops.” Fuck. I hate crying in front of people. This year, I told myself my New Year’s resolution was to let emotions get in the way less… so far, it’s going fucking great.
“I know.” Tears drip down her own cheeks. “It fucking kills me to see the both of you like this. My brother has never opened up to anyone like he has with you. I can see it in his eyes. He loves you too, Mae. So much. He deserves happiness. You both do. I’m so pissed off it’s being stolen from you both.”
I dab at my face, worried the tears have smudged my makeup.
“I know you don’t want me to get involved, but—”
“No, Poppy. Please, don’t. Confronting your dad won’t change his mind. It’ll make things worse for everyone.”
She clicks her teeth shut, looking frustrated. “Okay, fine, but I swear, if I see him in person, I’m gonna crack his spine.”
I wipe my face. “We’ve got to get to practise.”
“Can we just skip it?”
“My mom would have your head if she knew you’d said that.”
My friend shrugs. “She can have it. With everything going on, I don’t want it anyway.”
I drive us to the stadium. It’s Tuesday, and the guys don’t have practice today, so I won’t have to see Nathan training from a distance.
Because I can’t lie and say I don’t watch him when I leave or arrive.
Every time I do, I get flashbacks of his lips on my own, his chest flush with mine and cock stroking into me so incredibly it brings me to multiple orgasms. Just the thought arouses me, and knowing no one will ever compare to him sets me up for a life full of crappy, meaningless sex.
How am I going to settle for anyone else when I want him?
Welcome to a life of celibacy.
There was something about us—we bounced off one another. We were able to understand what the other needed without the use of words. When we needed comfort. Inspiration. Excitement. We were tethered to each other, and now that rope has snapped, I feel like I’m missing half of me.
I’m incomplete.
Madison and Sophia are stretching early on the field, and I plaster a smile on.
“You feeling okay, Mae? You don’t look so good,” Madison asks, and Sophia shoots me a concerned look. As team captain, she always ensures her team are coping well, and if she sees someone struggling, she’ll do her best to help. It’s one of the things I like about her.
“I’m coming down with a cold,” I lie, hoping they’ll stop the questioning. Thankfully, they do.
“Can you guys believe we’re four weeks away from the end of the season? We’re so close to the Super Bowl!”
Sophia’s comment has me jittery. Four weeks until I leave for Florida. Until I say goodbye to Nathan forever. Until I start a whole new life for myself and forget about everything. Until I become the new Mae Bexley—the woman who doesn’t have a missing father and controlling mother. Who doesn’t have a man she loves but can’t have.
“Even less if the guys don’t win the game on Sunday,” Madison adds.
Oh God, I’m about to throw up my lunch.
“These lights are giving me a headache,” I say as I pinch the bridge of my nose, and Sophia hikes her thumb towards the tunnel.
“I have some Tylenol if you need it. It’s in my bag in the locker room. Front pocket.”
“You’re a lifesaver, Sophia.” Rushing into the women’s locker room, I unzip her bag and rummage through, but I frown when I come up empty-handed.
My headache intensifies, and thinking that Sophia may have accidentally misplaced her Tylenol in her coat instead, I quickly feel around in her pockets. I’m met with her phone, so I pull it out to find the small bottle of Tylenol underneath.
I swallow the pills dry, sitting down on the bench and taking a deep breath.
Can you die from sadness? I swear people have before.
What would happen if my heart were to give out right here in the locker room? What would be written on my death certificate? I’m a victim of a heartbreak-induced fatality?
Heartbreak is weird because it’s all in your mind.
Nothing is physically wrong with me. But it feels like someone’s taken my heart out, run it over with a truck, and then given it back to me with a smug smile. There are no bruises. No wounds. And I’m expected to go on because I’m only falling apart internally.
Suddenly, Sophia’s phone buzzes beside me. I don’t pay it any mind, though, resting my elbows on my knees and placing my head in my palms.
Cheering should perk me up a little bit. I enjoy it, and I feel alive dancing on that field. But I’m swapping my pom-poms for a stethoscope pretty soon. And I need to come to terms with the fact that all of this will be gone pretty soon. It was always supposed to be temporary.
Sophia’s phone vibrates again. And again. And again.
I try not to read the texts that come through. I really do. But my eyes skate over the screen for a brief second.
Money has been transferred into your account.
Glad we could both get what we wanted.
Now, delete all our messages.
And don’t speak about this to anyone.
My spine goes rigid. The texts don’t make much sense to me until I see the initials they were sent from.
K.S.
My heart falters, and I feel like I can’t breathe. With clammy hands, I pick up the phone, peering at the screen, convinced I’ve got it wrong.
But I haven’t.
K.S
You have to be fucking kidding me.
There’s no doubt in my mind who the contact stands for.
Kevin Slater.
I hold up another knitted sweatshirt, and Cam shakes his head at me.
“Mae, Florida has highs of about eighty-eight degrees. I doubt you’re going to need a case full of sweaters.”
I’m not leaving yet, but like the good big brother Cam is, he’s helping me sort through my clothes while our mom is out with some friends.
I wasn’t even aware she had friends, to be honest.
“Ew,” he squeals like a little girl, throwing an item of clothing onto my lap. “What the hell are they ?”
“They’re hot pants, Cam.” I ping them onto his face, and he leaps up as if I’ve thrown a snake at him.
“I never ever want to imagine you wearing them. That’s disgusting.”
Cam and I don’t get to spend too much time together, and I’m definitely going to miss him when I move. He’s promised to come and visit, but I know how busy he is.
He did specify he’s never been with a woman from Florida, though, and that the idea tempts him. He was kidding, but there was a kernel of truth to his words.
We laugh, but again, I’m holding back. It’s a facade because, deep down, I don’t feel like laughing at all. I don’t feel like packing my suitcase. And I certainly don’t feel like pretending everything is okay right now. Because it’s far from it.
Sophia… it was her. I trusted her. I thought we were friends. I don’t trust easily, and this is a massive reminder of why. People will often chew you up and spit you out, keeping you around until it no longer benefits them.
I keep thinking this isn’t real. That it’s some big misunderstanding.
But I’m not stupid. I saw the texts. This was premeditated. Planned. Sophia’s a fake, and I wasted so much time with her.
My phoney smile fades when Cam reaches into my drawer and pulls out an item of clothing. His face immediately drops. He holds it up, his white fingers gripping the red and white fabric.
My throat constricts.
The jersey.
The jersey with Nathan’s name on the back.
My heart sinks, and I know I’ve gone as white as a ghost.
“Mae,” Cam says slowly, teeth gritted. “What is this?”
I don’t know what to say. My mouth is opening and closing like a fish gasping for breath. I’d completely forgotten the jersey was even in there.
My brother looks at me with betrayal, eyebrows tugging together. He drops the jersey, pushing it away from him as if it’s poisonous. His fingers are running through his hair, gripping at the brunette strands. “No, no, no. Tell me you’re not fucking Nathan Slater, Mae. Please.”
I stay silent, my face blank.
“You can’t, can you?” Cam growls, standing. “Oh my God, you’re fucking him. What the hell, Mae? What the fuck is wrong with you?”
“Nothing is wrong with me.” I also clamber to my feet. “It’s over between him and I anyway.”
“Is that supposed to make it okay? Mae, you have so much going for you. You’re better than that. You don’t need to have sex with people to get to where you want—”
I hold my hand up to stop him. “Don’t give me a speech on how I don’t need to fuck my way to the top. I’m well aware of that. I didn’t want anything like that from Nathan. I’m not some gold digger, Cam.”
“No, I know you’re not, but—”
“It's the complete opposite of what I was doing. I didn’t do it to gain anything. I actually care about Nathan.”
My brother’s face is red. “Well, does he care about you? Because I would bet my left leg he just sees you two as—”
Anger courses through me. “You don’t know anything about Nathan, do you? Sure, you’re his physiotherapist, but that doesn’t mean you know him on a personal level, Cam.”
He’s taken aback. “What? And you do?”
I remain silent.
“Fuck, Mae. Nobody can know about this, okay?”
“I already know that.”
“I swear to God, if he hurt you—”
“He didn’t hurt me, Cameron Bexley.” He jumps at the way I use his full name. Our father used to do it. “In fact, I’m probably the one who hurt him.”
Guilt hits me point blank in the chest. I feel like a stone sinking in water—gradual at first, but as time goes on, it gets deeper and deeper. There’s no swimming my way back up to the top now.
“It wasn’t just some fling, Cam,” I say, my voice cracking.
My brother doesn’t know what to do. He stares at me, jaw set and mouth curving downwards. He rubs a hand down his face. “I have no idea what Mom was thinking getting you involved in all of this.”
I scoff. “You don’t need to try and make me feel worse than I already do, Cam.” I try to keep everything in, but my throat betrays me, and a small sob lurches up. I cover my mouth with my hand in an attempt to quieten it.
My brother’s eyes soften, and he immediately stalks towards me and pulls me to his chest. He rubs my back soothingly as he curses. “You made a mistake, Mae. It’s okay. You’re gonna be okay. Florida will be good to you. I’ll make sure of it. You can put this all behind you. It was just a mistake; it’s fine.”
My heart rattles against my ribs as tears leak from my eyes.
Cam’s right. I did make a mistake. But it wasn’t getting involved with Nathan. It wasn’t opening up to him. Or letting him see parts of me that no one else ever has. Nor was it falling in love with him.
No.
My mistake was letting go of one of the best things I’d ever had in my life.
Even if the world is against us.