Chapter Thirty-Four
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ORAZIO
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Orazio Cattaneo stood in front of the full-length mirror in his bedroom, adjusting his tie that bore the Cattaneo emblem. The emblem was a golden C that shimmered against his black silk tie.
His all-black tuxedo was perfectly tailored for his frame, and his shoes had been polished until they were shining. As he fastened the last gold cuff link in place, a heavy sigh escaped his lips.
He was officially ready for the Cattaneo Gala. Fuck! He didn't feel like attending this damn event. There were so many places he'd rather be than in a room full of motherfuckers who were only there to either win his favor or judge him to see if he was capable of filling his father's shoes.
Tonight, in his speech, Raz would let them all know that he had no intention of filling his father's shoes. They didn't wear the same size anyway. Raz's feet were bigger. His temper was shorter. His patience was thinner.
It was best that they all knew that upfront. Raz's phone rang. Orazio reached forward and grabbed it from the dresser. It was Cas. Again . His brother was driving him crazy. He'd called five times already today, and it was the same shit each time he called. Raz answered the phone on the third ring.
"What now?" Raz yelled.
"Is that any way to answer a phone, Don Cattaneo?" Cas asked.
Raz closed his eyes and prayed for patience. "What do you want now, Caspari?" Raz heard a horn honk in the background. "Are you driving? Shouldn't you be at the gala by now?"
"I'm heading to pick up my date."
"Date? So, you've finally taken my advice and decided to move on from Meka?" This was news!
"I'll never move on from Meka," Cas insisted.
Okay, maybe not. Raz wanted to argue his point but decided to let it go. How could he force his brother to let go of his feelings for Meka when Raz hadn't even let go of his feelings for Monique?
However, like Raz, at least Cas wasn't giving in to the urge to stalk Meka. Like Raz, at least Cas was looking for distractions to take his mind off the woman he couldn't have. This gala would be Raz's distraction.
Isla Miconi would be Raz's distraction. Everything in his life was now a mere distraction to keep him from knocking on his Rosa's door. He feared the day when these distractions no longer held him back.
"What do you want, Cas?" Raz growled into the phone, suddenly feeling irritated as fuck. "Spit it out. I don't have all night."
"Oh, right. I forgot. You also got a date to pick up."
He had a distraction to pick up. Nothing more.
"Are you sure you want to bring someone to the gala, Raz?"
"It's a done deal. Stop trying to get me to change my mind." He was already teetering on the edge. He didn't need Cas pushing him over. He didn't need a reason to second-guess himself.
"I think you're playing with fire, Raz. The Miconis are no joke."
"Neither am I. Do you need something, brother?"
"What if you saw Monique with another man? Wouldn't that make you mad?"
"No," Orazio lied. "I want her to be happy."
"Even if it's in the arms of another man?" Cas asked.
Hell no! "Why are you asking me this?"
"I'm just wanting you to put yourself in her shoes. If she saw you with Isla, she'd be hurt. So would you if you saw her with another man."
"I have no intention of seeing her period. Therefore, I'll never know who she was with."
Which was a good thing. Orazio had no idea how badly he'd react if he saw the woman he loved in the arms of another man. Which was why he had to stop driving past her house. He'd hate to kill a motherfucker in her front yard, right in front of her and her neighbors.
"But if you did see her..." Cas started.
"Cas, let it go. I'm not going to see her. And she's never going to see me with Isla. I know I seem like a selfish bastard. But I'm only doing this..."
"To protect her," Cas finished for him. "Yeah, yeah. So you say. But I don't believe you're truly ready to let her go."
He wasn't. But Cas didn't need to know that. His brother had been pestering him about this all day. Had Cas learned that Raz sometimes took detours and drove by Monique's house? Was that why he was suddenly acting like this?
"Raz, you could really lose her if you don't get your head toget..."
"I've already lost her, brother. The truth is, I never should've dreamed of having her in the first place. I'm not... I'm not... worthy." Feeling choked up, Raz cleared his throat just as someone knocked on the door. "I've got to go, Cas." Thanks for making my night worse. "I'll see you at the gala."
"Raz, we can keep them safe. We can..."
Raz hung up before his brother could present him with any more hypothetical questions that would further ruin his already fucked up evening. Raz was the don, not Prince Charming. He didn't have time to believe in fairytales. The knocks sounded again.
"Enter," Raz called out, straightening his tie one last time. Why the fuck was his hand trembling? Raz balled his hand into a fist, clenching tightly, waiting for the overwhelming feeling of... he didn't know what he was feeling. But he waited for it to pass.
Leo stepped in, his expression as stoic as ever. "It's time to go, boss. We need to pick up Miss Miconi."
He hadn't even left home yet and he was already over this entire evening, this entire damn event.
"I'll be right out."
Leo nodded and closed the door, leaving Orazio alone with his thoughts once more. He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath to calm himself. Damn Cas for bringing up Monique while Raz was desperately trying not to think about her.
He wouldn't be able to make it through this night if he had her on his mind, on his heart. The image of Monique's face flashed in his mind – her smile, her eyes filled with warmth and love – all the things he'd never see again.
Never was a long fucking time! How could he not mourn the life he wouldn't have? A life with her would be filled with passion and joy. They'd never grow tired of one another. They'd challenge each other to always be better versions of themselves.
Every day with her would be unique and special. But it was a life he could never have. Because if he was in her life, then there would always be darkness lurking around the corner, ready to intrude on their happy life.
She'd live with a storm cloud over her head, never knowing when the rain would fall or when tornados would appear. Raz couldn't do that to her. He was tempted to take a chance on their love.
He was tempted to say fuck it, I'm never letting her go. He believed he could protect her. But if he failed... if he failed... Raz squeezed his eyes shut, chest aching at the thought of her losing her life because of him.
No. That wasn't a risk he was willing to take. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not ever. Opening his eyes, Orazio squared his shoulders and walked out of the room, each step echoing the finality of his decision.
He would do what was necessary for his family, and he would do whatever it took to protect Monique, even if it meant sacrificing his own happiness. As he joined Leo in the hall and headed toward the car, Orazio resolved to get through the night without killing anyone.
He also hoped to get through the night without sneaking away from his security detail and his date and then showing up at Monique's house. Tonight, he would be on his best behavior. He'd be the perfect don, no matter how much it pained him to do so.
Tonight was just another task, another performance in the stage play that was his life. Raz stared out the window as Leo drove. In front of them was a security detail. Behind them was the second security detail.
Never alone! He was never alone. Yet, he'd never felt lonelier. Though he tried to keep his thoughts away from Monique, they kept drifting back to her. Leo didn't make things any better.
"Are you sure about this?" Leo asked.
Raz ignored him.
"You can protect her. You have plenty of uncles and cousins who are married, and their wives are safe."
"Most of their wives rarely leave the house. I've never even met some of their wives because my family keeps them hidden away to keep them safe. I won't do that to Monique."
"Bryce's mom goes places. I've seen her out."
"Bryce's mom can shoot better than me if she has to. She's what you call ruthlessly sweet. That woman is a silent killer. Don't let her kind smile and baking skills fool you."
"We can train Monique to shoot. We can..."
"I appreciate you being willing to help, Leo. I really do. But what kind of wedding gift is target practice? What kind of life would she lead being my wife? What if she wanted children in the future? Look at how Bryce turned out. Hell, look at me. I may look sane..."
"You don't."
"What?" Raz asked.
"You don't look sane," Leo told him.
"Fuck you, Leo. You know what I mean. Our child would be the future don. Not a doctor. Not a lawyer. Not a... uh...." What else could be considered a wholesome occupation? "Not a spaceship driver."
"You mean an astronaut?"
"Whatever the fuck you call them motherfuckers that fly around the galaxy," Raz yelled. "My life isn't the kind of life she needs."
"What if it's the life she wants ?"
"It's not. It can't be. I won't let it be."
"Why do you get to decide what she wants?" Leo asked.
"What the fuck is up with you and Cas today? Focus on the road, Leo. Not my personal life."
"Whatever you say, boss."
They continued the rest of the drive in silence. But Leo's words stuck with him. Was Raz so busy focusing on what he wanted Monique's life to be like, that he wasn't considering the possibility that she'd be able to adapt to his life, even enjoy it?
Could she enjoy it? Not endure it, but be happy living with him in the shadows? She knew he was the don, yet she'd come to the casino wanting to see him, wanting to be with him. After everything she'd gone through, everything she'd lost, she'd still come to him.
Raz swallowed back tears. She lost her father, nearly lost her life, and she still wanted him. That was saying something. Still, she may think she could handle the baggage that came with him, but she didn't know that things could get much darker than what she'd already experienced.
If she came back to him, thinking they'd weathered the worst of it, then suddenly realized that wasn't the worst, what would he do then? Perhaps what Raz truly feared was spending his life by her side, watching her grow to hate this life, to hate him.
He feared watching the love and light slowly leave her eyes as she realized he wasn't the man for her. That was something he couldn't bear. Was that fear causing him to take the coward's way out, leave her before she could leave him? Was he... a coward?
"Fuck!" Raz yelled, slamming his fist against the back of the passenger seat.
He no longer knew why he was staying away from her. Was it for her, or was it because he was afraid of her falling out of love with him? Or... could it be that he was too ashamed to face her?
Ashamed of how things had ended up. Ashamed of himself because he hadn't protected her well. Ashamed for being wounded when she'd needed him the most. Was his fear and shame ruining their lives?
"You good, boss?"
"Yeah," Raz lied.
"Good, because we're here."
Fuck! Leo pulled the sleek black car up to the double doors of the Venetian Hotel in Biloxi, Mississippi. The hum of the car's engine was a distant drone compared to the whirlwind of emotions swirling in his mind.
Maybe he was rushing this decision to join his family with Miconi's. Maybe he needed to have a real conversation with Monique and let her know his thoughts and fears and listen to hers.
Why was he just now realizing he needed to do that? What the fuck was wrong with him? He'd known fear was a powerful emotion but never thought he could be controlled by it. With his heart racing, Raz realized he was on the brink of a panic attack. Dons didn't have panic attacks.
"Ahem."
The sound of Leo clearing his throat brought Orazio back to the present and grounded him a bit.
"What's wrong?" Raz asked, a hint of irritation in his voice.
Leo gave him a pointed look. "We're here."
"I see that," Raz countered.
"You need to go in and escort your date to the car."
Orazio frowned. "Why can't you do it?"
"It would be more gentlemanly if you did it yourself," Leo replied.
"Fuck being a gentleman. Go get her already," Orazio snapped, his frustration threatening to boil over. "Or leave her ass here. I no longer give a fuck." Fuck the gala. I've got some shit to figure out.
"At least get out of the car and open the door for her when I bring her out," Leo told him.
Sighing heavily, Orazio climbed out of the car at the same time Leo did. He moved to stand next to the back passenger door, facing the hotel with his arms folded over his chest. The night air was cool, a stark contrast to the heat of his thoughts.
"At least pretend you want to be here," Leo drawled as he headed toward the hotel.
Raz was tired of pretending. He was tired of hiding. He was tired of letting fear hold him hostage. But what was he going to do about it? He stared up at the sky as he awaited Leo's return.
He owed it to Miconi to have a chat with him before he did anything. Raz was the one who'd asked Isla out, not the other way around. A few minutes later, the door to the hotel opened again. Leo stepped out first, followed by Isla Miconi.
She was wearing a long white dress that dipped low in the front, revealing the swell of her breasts. Gold high heels clicked against the pavement, and her gold jewelry glittered under the hotel lights.
Her blonde hair fell in waves over her shoulders, and she moved with the grace of someone who knew the power of her beauty. A power she probably wielded on a daily basis. Though she was undeniably beautiful, a vision in white and gold, he wasn’t swayed at all.
She stirred nothing in him. His heart remained untouched, his body unresponsive. Only one woman could ignite the fire within him. As Raz stared at her, he knew he couldn't spend his life faking it with her.
That wouldn't be fair to her or him. Or his Rosa. As Isla neared the car, Orazio stepped forward, unfolding his arms. He opened the car door for her with a forced smile that didn't reach his eyes.
"Good evening, Isla," he said, his voice smooth and polite.
"Good evening, Orazio," she replied, her voice soft and melodic as she slid gracefully into the car.
Orazio closed the door behind her and walked around to his side, casting one last glance at the hotel before getting in. He settled into his seat, already plotting the conversation he hoped to have with Miconi.
He could no longer consider the offer of becoming Miconi's son-in-law. If that prevented them from doing business together, then so be it. Life was too short to live it like a coward. Staying away from Monique was destroying him slowly – mind, body, and soul.
"Will your father be riding with us?" Orazio asked Isla as he settled in next to her.
Isla shook her head. "No, my father has a date."
"Oh, he found a date that quickly?" Lucky him!
Isla chuckled. "It's someone he's had his eyes on for a while now. She was married when he first saw her. Then she was dating someone for a while, but they broke up. Now, she's divorced and single. My father hopes to make her his before anyone else has a chance to snatch her up."
Raz nodded, mind straying to his Rosa. Frederico Miconi had the right plan in mind. Raz needed to follow in the old man's footsteps. He needed to let go of his fear and snatch Monique back up before someone else stepped in. Or, unlike Miconi, was Raz already too late?
He couldn't believe he was jealous of the old man for doing what he'd been too afraid to do, and that was to take a chance on love, to put love first. Raz pushed that jealousy aside. He was happy for Miconi.
And he'd tell him that as soon as he saw him tonight. Once this night was over, he'd go straight to Monique's house. There were a few things he needed to tell her. He just hoped he hadn't pushed her too far with the way he'd been acting. He hoped she hadn't given up on him yet.
Please, Rosa. Be waiting for me. I'm coming home.