3. My Traitorous Car
My Traitorous Car
CARTER
“Goddamn it.” I muttered under my breath, eyes shuttering as I reached across Sara’s seat and buckled her in.
I put the car in reverse and whipped back out onto the road.
“Carter.” She gripped my arm in panic. “What are you doing? Where are we going?”
“If you won’t tell me who you were with, then we’ll go to the party and I’ll find him myself.” I bit out, seeing nothing but red. I wasn’t going to let this go, wasn’t going to sweep it under the rug. I couldn’t.
“No, don’t!” She lunged for the steering wheel, begging me to stop.
“Sweetheart, I don’t know what the hell happened out there, and honestly it doesn’t matter. Somebody hurt you —left you on the side of the goddamn road, covered in blood.” I clenched and unclenched my jaw. “Whoever he is, I’m gonna kill him. ”
“Please,” she begged. “If I tell you, will you turn around?”
“Not a chance in hell,” I muttered, already heading back out towards the Bishop Estate, feeling myself press deeper into my seat as the needle on the speedometer struggled to match my growing rage.
“Please, Carter, don’t do this to me . You’re just going to make this worse than it already is. Please turn around, I’m begging you. I don’t want to go there.” Sara started sobbing, and I realized she was terrified . Of what exactly, I didn’t know. “I can’t go there.”
My shoulders sagged as I blew out a defeated breath, because no matter how angry I was, no matter how determined I was, I couldn’t bear to hear her beg me like that, and definitely couldn’t bear to make her cry.
“Fine.” I murmured, quickly realizing I was only making things worse.
Despite what I should do, I rerouted, knowing she had me completely wrapped around her finger—I doubt she realized it.
“Thank you.” She collapsed against her seat.
“Don’t thank me, Sara. You will tell me who it was.”
She was quiet.
“ Right now. ” I demanded far harsher than I should have.
In the smallest voice I’d ever heard her speak in, she whispered meekly, “Someday I’ll tell you. Just not tonight.”
I ground my teeth, wondering if my jaw could shatter from clenching it so hard, but I didn’t know where to put the fierce protectiveness that was washing over me. I was going to tear someone limb from limb before severing them from their favorite one.
We drove the rest of the way home in tense silence, while I suppressed every awful scenario that flipped through my mind, knowing if she was so worked up about this, it was for a damn good reason.
When we were back in Briar Rose, I pulled down the long Devereux Estate driveway, past the circular fountain and parked under the flowering porte-cochere before I killed the headlights.
“Sara, just answer me this, is there a dead body back in that field? Because if there is, I need to deal with it.” I sighed, dragging my hands down my face. “Preferably tonight.”
She turned to me, mouth agape. “You think I murdered someone?”
“I honestly don’t know what to think. I know you’re lying about something, I just don’t know what.
The girls said Eric won the bid for your date, you’re saying you weren’t with Eric.
Either way, there’s no explanation for why the hell you were in the ditch.
Even if you are telling the truth about your period, you’re covered in scrapes, which tells me there’s a high likelihood that you either jumped out of a moving car or you were pushed.
” I watched her closely, and she swallowed nervously.
“I can only protect you if you tell me what happened. So who the hell were you with, Sara?”
“I don’t need protection.” She swallowed thickly. “Please just let this go.”
“You are not getting out of this car until you give me something. Anything.” I demanded firmly before adding more softly. “You can trust me. I know, you know that. So cut the bullshit and stop trying to do this on your own.”
“Fine. You want the truth?” She snapped.
“I’ve been basically alienated on campus!
Wanting a normal college experience was nothing but a pipe dream.
I’ve somehow finished my first year of college, and I’ve never been lonelier.
The photos they got—” She cut herself off, lower lip quivering. “Everything is so fucked.”
She looked me dead in the eye for the longest minute of my life, and then I saw it—the moment she broke.
“Carter, please.” Her voice was a trembling push of air. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”
Shit.
She buried her face in her hands, and her shoulders shook with each silent sob.
“It’s okay.” I tried to reassure her, tried to force breath into my own lungs as she cried for reasons that weren’t entirely clear. “We won’t talk about it anymore. We’ll talk about something else.” Except I had no idea what to say.
I swallowed hard, hesitating as I reached for her, not even sure if I should touch her now. Seeing her like this left me feeling panicked in a way that I was completely unfamiliar with. “Sara?” I reached over and tentatively rubbed her back. “Is this okay?”
“Yeah.” A small strangled noise escaped from her .
“Can I hold you?”
“Yeah,” she sobbed, but didn’t move.
I carefully slid an arm under and around her as I pulled her over the console and into my lap, and she immediately buried her face in my chest, hiding it.
Her voice was muffled. “I’ll ruin your suit.”
“It’s already ruined, and I don’t care.” Settling her small frame against my body, I wrapped my arms around her, all while my ears were ringing. “I’m sorry, Sara. I wasn’t mad at you . You have to know that. Just know—I’m here whenever you’re ready to talk.”
She cried harder, and I wished so badly I could just make everything better tonight, whatever was happening on campus, everything—but all I could do was hold her. So that’s exactly what I did, all the while hating how right it felt. Having her in my arms.
We sat like that for a long while until her sobs eventually quieted, and when she finally pulled back and looked up at me through those thick dark lashes, her eyes were on my mouth.
I tensed as the heat of her breath brushed across my skin like a tempting invitation.
A glimmer of nervous but mischievous sparkle crept across her expression. “Carter?”
“Yeah?” I asked, utterly frozen.
She didn’t quite form a word as she slowly, carefully sat up.
Not like this. Not like this. Not like this.
Her hands settled against my chest, delicate and warm. “Can I ask you something?”
I knew right then and there, no matter what I did, no matter what I said, I was going to be so utterly fucked.
I wasn’t prepared for this, and I was pretty damn sure she was about to cross that line we’d always flirted with but never stepped over, and I couldn’t possibly bear to cross that line.
Not tonight. Not when I knew it’d crush her. Crush me.
“Sara.” I swallowed hard, her name on my tongue was a mere push of air coming out of me, even as her admission made my skin light up with want, even as the temptation of claiming her mouth sang to me like the deadly call of a siren.
She was right, everything was so fucked.
“I trust you.” She breathed, referencing my damned speech from earlier. “I know you wouldn’t hurt me, right?”
“Sara.” I rasped.
“You want to play our game?” She murmured.
I swallowed hard, knowing exactly where this was going. “Sar, this isn’t a good idea.”
“Didn’t you miss me while I was gone?” She asked softly, her expression shifting to something more sensuous.
“Yes.” I swallowed hard. So damn bad.
“Truth or dare.” She started slowly, but didn’t wait for me to answer at all. “I dare you to tell me what you’re thinking right now.”
It wasn’t hard to guess. “Sara.” I pleaded, not exactly sure what I was pleading for.
“Fine.” Her eyes dropped to my mouth again. “I’ll go first.” She swallowed thickly. “Truth. I’m thinking your lips look… so incredibly soft.” Her wide brown eyes searched mine. “Dare.” The word lingered between us like a bomb ready to go off.
“Carter?” She breathed, and time probably stopped as she hesitated, searching my eyes, trepidation and longing there as she inched forward.
Even with heartbreak already pulsing through my veins, I gently stopped her, detonating an entirely different kind of bomb. “Sara, I have to tell you something.”
She tensed in my arms, and while she didn’t physically move a muscle, everything in her body recoiled.
The hurt that instantly bloomed across her expression made my stomach twist as I watched it all play out on her face, like my own personal horror film.
Watched her discover that I would in-fact hurt her, and that I just did.
“Sara, you know why we can’t. We’d never—you’re so amazing but,” I was grasping at straws, trying to find the right words, but everything was coming out so wrong.
Why did I always get so tongue-tied around her?
Every word seemed to etch the hurt and rejection deeper and deeper into her expression, when all I was trying to do was protect her.
Or maybe I was trying to protect myself.
Fuck, this was all happening, all wrong.
Just then the car announced, text message from Blonde Reporter, before it auto-played.
Where are you, Carter? I can’t wait to get you out of that suit, so I can taste every inch of your body tonight.
I scrambled for the dashboard, but it was too late. My traitorous car continued reading the text message that was going to seal my damnation.
I’ll even let you do that thing you did to me last time.
I could have curled up and died as it ended the message, listing a long string of sexual emojis, one after the other.
Sara was already reaching for the door when I grabbed her.
“I’m so sorry.” What could I even say? It had only been a one-time thing, but it didn’t matter.
“Don’t worry about it.” Sara said flatly. “I got it. You’re not interested.”
I grabbed her hand. “Please don’t be like that.”
She lunged for the door handle with her other hand, and I grabbed that one too. “I’m not being like anything.” She snapped, her eyes already filling with tears.
I held on tight enough not to hurt her, but tight enough that she couldn’t go anywhere because I just couldn’t bear to let her go. “Please don’t get out of this car right now.” I begged.
“Carter, I’m tired.” Her gaze dropped, and she refused to look at me. “Please just let me go.”
Could I do it? Let her go?
“You’ve had a shit night and your judgment is clouded. I can’t let you out of the car. Not until I know you’re not mad at me.” It was selfish, but I didn’t care, because in a matter of hours all this was going away. Forever.
“We’ll be sitting here for a long time.” She muttered .
“Please don’t be upset, Sara. I can’t leave knowing you’re upset with me.”
Her eyes snapped up to mine, and I swallowed hard, knowing I should have told her sooner. Why the hell didn’t I tell her sooner?
“Leave?” She narrowed her eyes.
My mouth opened, but nothing came out because all the anger dissolved out of her expression in an instant, and it was quickly replaced with a look of betrayal.
“Tell me you’re lying.” She gripped my shirt and shoved against my chest in weak protest. “Carter, tell me you didn’t do it.”
I let her beat against me, let my hands slide down her arms to rest on the swaths of white fabric gathered around her waist, in surrender.
“I ship out first thing tomorrow.” I admitted softly.
She collapsed against me, her voice a strangled sob of devastation. “Why?”
“Because I can’t keep living someone else’s life.” I stroked her hair, committing the sweet, sun-warmed strawberry smell to memory.
“Please don’t go.” She sobbed into my shirt. “Please, Carter, I’m begging you.”
“I’ll think about you every day.” I promised, hating that I was leaving just weeks before her birthday.
She could hardly get the words out. “You’re going to get yourself killed.”
I smiled sadly. “Have a little faith in me.”
“I do.” She argued, and I realized that’s exactly why I had to leave. But I couldn’t help wondering if I was making the biggest mistake of my life as I made the only girl I’d ever really cared about, cry harder than I’d ever seen her cry.
I didn’t have a choice.
It was terrifying to stay and terrifying to leave, but if I didn’t get out now, this life would smother me and there would be nothing to stop me from doing something horribly, terribly, stupid—something that would blow up my life even more than leaving would.
Maybe I’d made an assumption about what she was going to do, but it was too late now.
Letting her go was for the best, at least that’s what I tried to tell myself.