57. Bread and Butter #2
“I didn’t mean any of it.” I started totally ineloquently.
She scoffed, and I could hardly fucking breathe.
“I did it to protect you.” A bigger eye roll from her and I clenched my teeth as my eyes watered against my will.
“Sar, the people that took you— they killed my parents. ” She stilled as my voice broke, her expression shifting in an instant, because that’s just who she was.
“They murdered my mother because of what my father did.” Her eyes softened a bit more as I barreled on.
“When my jet was going down, I thought it was over for me, and in those last moments, I wondered if it would break you—my death. After everything you went through with your mother, and how hard that was on you—I was terrified of what the news would do to you, but selfishly, in those final seconds—I kept thinking I was so glad I said I love you, because you said it back. I knew I was going to die, but it brought me so much peace to know you loved me back, that I’d been loved by someone who was better than I’d ever deserve. ”
She looked like she pitied me, but she shook her head. “If you really meant that, you wouldn’t have pushed me away when it mattered most.”
“ They threatened to kill you, Sara . In hindsight, the way I handled everything was incredibly stupid, but you were right, my brain was all fucked up. I thought I was doing the right thing—I thought if I could pretend you didn’t matter to me that they’d leave you alone, that you’d be safe.
After what they did to me, what they took from me—part of me wanted to die, Sara.
” My confession hung in the air as I gasped for breath.
“I just didn’t see a way through, and I was so angry.
I still am. I just didn’t want to burn it all down and let you get caught in the crossfire. ”
“Carter,” she scolded, with nothing but concern in her eyes.
“Do you know what it’s like not being able to do the thing you love most? Being separated from the thing that defines you?” Even saying it out loud made me feel sick.
“Not like that.” She admitted. “No.”
“When I enlisted, I was so incredibly lost. Heartbroken. I didn’t know who I was. Flying made me find myself again, and they took that away from me like it was fucking nothing. But you—” I was practically gasping now. “If they had taken you from me, I would have never forgiven myself.”
Tears filled her eyes. “No, you just went and lost me all on your own.”
“My mother was murdered because of who and what my father was, so I won’t apologize to you for doing what I thought would keep you safe.
” I dared a step closer. “I did what I had to, to keep you alive and out of harm’s way, and if I had to do it over—would I do it differently?
Maybe. But I can’t go back and change the past. The only thing I can do is apologize for what I did and said to push you away.
” I took a breath and continued more quietly.
“I didn’t mean a single one of those things I said, and it was lower than low of me to use what you had shared with me in confidence against you.
I hated myself for saying those things, and I convinced myself that I had to, because I was terrified.
I was trying to protect you.” I looked at her unsure if she believed me.
“I was scared that if I didn’t let you go on my own, then I’d lose you forever, and if something happened to you because of me—I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself. ”
She was quiet, but sorrow swirled in her eyes.
I kept going, so incredibly nervous. “All the cards on the table. I’m still terrified, Sara.
They’re asking me for information—for blackmail.
” I laughed, dragging a hand through my hair.
“I don’t even know if I can find what they’re looking for, and I don’t know how far this game goes if I can’t give them what they want.
I don’t even know how to fight back, how to fight as dirty as they do—when I’m terrified of how my actions will impact you . ”
I felt like I could crumple, and she was quiet for another too-long moment. “Say something. Anything.” I pleaded. “Because I’d rather fight with you about this than have nothing at all.”
Her eyes were distant, and her voice was so quiet.
“As hurtful as everything you did and said was, I just can’t believe any of this happened at all.
I can’t believe it was my own father who—” She cleared her throat, eyes shining as her voice broke.
“Who does that? He sold my hand in marriage— my life— to pay for his debts. Like I was just another asset in his portfolio. There aren’t words to describe how devastating that reality is.
” Her lower lip wobbled, and my heart broke as she continued slowly.
“Tag said you didn’t even bid, and I honestly don’t know if I believe him or not.
It was easy to believe him, because of what you said to me.
It was easy to believe you didn’t want me anymore because that’s what you told me.
” She looked at me, confusion washing over her expression.
“He said a lot of things. Told me you were dead .” Her voice caught, and she quickly recalibrated, eyes shuttering.
“Everything was so horrifying and so incredibly hazy, whatever they gave me made me hallucinate such awful, awful things, Carter. I hardly know what was real, everything was happening so fast and simultaneously slow. Standing here, I honestly can’t figure out if I just made the whole thing up. ”
“I know.” I breathed, wishing I could take all her pain away.
“It was real, and you’re here, and you’re safe now, and I’m never going to let someone hurt you like that ever again.
” I promised, hesitating, “I’m only saying this since you asked, but of course I bid for you—I had the highest bid when the gavel came down.
” I promised, knowing it was silly of me to even mention, but I’d fought for her every step of the way, and she deserved to know it.
Deserved to know I hadn’t stood by, if that’s what she was really questioning.
“You’re not something to be owned.” I clarified, “But I was desperate to get you out of there anyway I could, and I would have paid any price to save you.” I swallowed hard, meaning so much more than money.
“Regardless, the whole thing was rigged from the very beginning, they were always going to let the Caldwells take you, though I still can’t exactly figure out why.
When he took you—I tried—I just—I couldn’t get to you.
” My eyes shuttered, and I had to remind myself she was standing right in front of me safe and sound. “I’m so sorry, Sara. For everything.”
Her mouth quirked in a sad smile, and she was quiet for a moment. “I’m sorry about your mother, Carter. I really, truly am.”
“I know.” I hesitated and then looked her dead in the eye. “Marry me.”
She startled. “What?”
I swallowed hard, offering her a grim smile. “You know, technically, since I won the bridal auction, you don’t have a say.” I was taking a huge risk here, teasing her about that, but teasing had always been our shorthand, and I had nothing left to lose.
“Carter, you are walking on thin ice.” She warned, eyes flaring. “I’ve been literally kidnapped, held prisoner in a dungeon, and fucking shot —I am not in the mood.”
Which was exactly why I couldn’t wait a second longer. Nothing was promised. I’d learned that twice now .
“Marry me.” I advanced a step, hoping I wasn’t being a total idiot. I mean I was, but I had nothing to lose, and everything to gain. “Marry me, Sarafina.”
She crossed her arms. “Carter, you’re being crazy.”
“I am crazy.” I advanced a step. “For you—always have been.”
I could see her resolve wavering even as she fought it. “You can’t just tell me a sob story and then expect everything to be alright.”
“I don’t.” I admitted, “And I will spend every day for the rest of my life proving it to you.”
“You haven’t even asked for my forgiveness.” Her eyes danced between mine as something shifted.
“I’m deeply sorry, Sara. For everything I said, for treating you so much less than you deserve.” I said earnestly, hopefully, desperately. “Will you please forgive me?” I asked. “Will you please give me a second chance? I’ll do anything you ask of me.”
“If you really mean that,” her eyes slowly warmed to a glimmer, and a ghost of a smile almost flashed across her mouth. “ I dare you to prove it.”