Chapter 26
Chapter
Twenty-Six
Sage
“The most important thing to know about killing, Sage. It is a responsibility. Every time it is possible to spare a life, then you must. Only kill when there is no other option."
"Only when there is no other option?"
"Only when there is no other option."
"How will I know if it's the only option?"
"You'll know. Trust me, you'll know."
Tears stream down my devastated face as I take a breath and listen to Nicholas's voice on repeat in my mind. My hand reaches up to feel the tears and I close my fist over the cold droplets. My ears ring, and I only hear the sound of the knife hitting gravel before Nicholas takes over.
"Only when there is no other option."
Nicholas.
I haven't allowed myself to say, or even think, his name in almost a year. The last time I said it, I screamed it.
The floodgates are open. My heart is wide open and vulnerable, and now that I've heard his name, nothing is stopping all my grief from unwinding all the carefully constructed threads I had in place to hold it back.
My Nicholas.
The man who stepped in front of a bullet for me. Gave away his life for me. Had his life stolen in defense of mine.
Still, when I looked at Alexei sitting on his knees in the gravel with his hands in surrender, I didn't feel what I thought I would. I didn't feel the driving mountain of hatred. I didn't feel the raw rage that had pushed every swipe of my knife before. Somehow, I couldn't make that final cut.
Instead, it was like my heart seized in place as the fog of everything I'd been hiding behind cleared away.
All I could hear was Nicholas's voice in my head, reminding me why killing is a responsibility, why it can't be taken lightly and why a life should only be taken if there is no other option.
It was only then, looking into Alexei's eyes as he waited and willed me to kill him, that I realized killing him isn't the only option.
I just don't want to take any of the others.
At this point, the only reason for anyone else to die is to make one of us feel better. With Nicholas's name in the open and his voice in my mind, I know for sure that there isn't any way to make it feel better.
Alexei is both the source and the target of my grief, and I am his.
It was Nicholas's name, and that singular thought, that spared Alexei Rushkoff's life today.
"Are you fucking serious Anton!"
I startle as the world comes rushing back in force and I see Alexei gearing up to attack my uncle.
"Whoa!" Freddie shouts, jumping in front of Alexei to hold him back at the shoulders.
I wipe the rest of my tears away quickly and focus on whatever it is I've missed in the time I've been processing what almost just happened.
"Let me go, Fallon, last warning," Alexei says, pushing against Freddie's grip. The look in his eyes says he could break through him if he wanted to, he's just choosing not to right now.
I wrap my arms around myself, even as my mind wants to dwell on the fact that I can't seem to let myself kill Alexei.
Isla jumps in the middle of them and pushes Freddie away from Alexei, though keeping herself between them so they can't pick it up again.
Her desperate eyes turn to Freddie even as she keeps her hand out behind her to warn Alexei away.
"This is really fucked up, Freddie, you can't expect us not to react. "
"Yeah and if it weren't for his brother, none of this would be happening in the first place!" Freddie argues, his arms flailing wildly in her face.
Anton and Alexei stare at each other, eyes more piercing than knives, while Isla and Freddie continue to fight. Whatever has happened is clearly between Alexei and my uncle, and yet they stay back while the others speak their words for them.
"You made a big deal about how Victor killed Dimitri," Isla says, teeth bared as she steps towards Freddie and he stumbles back under her presence, "and he's not even fucking dead!"
Freddie's mouth tenses but he doesn't say anything back and there's a strained quietness that follows.
"This changes everything, Anton," Alexei finally speaks.
Anton scoffs, kicking up the gravel. "I don't have the time or patience to deal with you Rushkoffs throwing a tantrum about this right now."
"You promised me a truce," Alexei scolds. "You gave me your word. Which is as good as shit if you're not actually the capo."
"Oh for fuck's sake," Freddie sighs.
"This does change things, Freddie," Isla says, putting a gentle hand on his chest as she looks into his eyes. "Don't pretend it doesn't. You must've known it would."
"It didn't have to change anything," Freddie says, almost imploring to her.
"Well it does," Alexei says, folding his arms over his bare chest. "With Dimitri alive and awake-"
"Dad's awake?"
Almost like they forgot I was here, they all turn to me in concern.
"Dad's awake?" I ask again, my voice shaking. The hatred melts off their faces, replaced by a mixture of pity and joy depending on who I'm looking at.
"Yes," Anton says, approaching me slowly. "Did you not hear us? Your dad. He's awake."
"He's awake?" I repeat, tears filling my eyes again.
My heart beats so hard it feels like it will come out my chest and smack me. The world freezes over at the same time I feel my body start to bead with sweat in every pore.
Nicholas's name and his words are still replaying in my mind.
Now there's Dad.
I can't take anything else right now. All I have is the wish that I could somehow bargain for all of this to have never happened and this feeling to finally go away.
"Alive and awake, apparently," Alexei scoffs.
"Oh shut up," Freddie says, getting agitated. "Dimitri being alive is none of your business."
"He is my rival leader," Alexei says, baring his teeth.
"Thought we had a truce," Freddie says, venom in his voice.
Double vision sets in on me as I look up to the sky, feeling like I'm seconds from fainting. My shaky legs refuse to move or carry me even though I'm willing myself to run.
"Sage…" Anton says cautiously, looking back at me again. Through all this I know they've missed the fact that I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown.
I am about to crack.
There are too many thoughts in mind. Too many emotions. Too much guilt and too much pain. So instead of facing it, there's only one thing I can do. I shake my head and I slowly turn around.
"Sage!" Anton calls after me as my feet finally find their brain and start to run.
I can't face Dad right now.
I cannot listen to Nicholas's name in my mind and explain to Dad what I've done.
So I run.
Far, far, away. And away from this place.