Chapter 19
Chapter Nineteen
They didn’t leave the hotel together. Matt had the team split into three groups, and then they used three different rendezvous points where they were met by a van that took them and their gear to the safe house.
It was on a quiet street in a section of town that seemed to be a mixture of middle class and poor dwellings.
Their house was a solid white building that fronted the street as part of a row of houses and apartments.
The front was stone, with three windows high up and a large double wooden door that opened to reveal a courtyard, which meant the house was actually at the rear of the structure and not the front.
The van drove through the doors, and Kev breathed a sigh of relief as they passed into a courtyard and the doors swung shut behind it. A much safer and more defensible option than a house on the street.
The back doors of the van opened, and Matt and Hawk were standing there, ready to help with the gear. Kev stepped out and purposely ignored Lucky, though he wanted to offer her a hand and then tug her close. Hawk did it instead—the hand, not tugging her close—and Kev pretended not to notice.
He shouldered his pack and camera gear and then grabbed one of her suitcases. Matt led the way into the house where the other guys were already ranging around the living area and setting up computer equipment and surveillance gear.
“Maybe we should have done this to start with,” Kev said to Matt’s back. Matt tossed a look over his shoulder.
“Not disagreeing with you, but the powers that be thought we’d be less conspicuous in the hotel.”
Kev frowned. “Maybe we would have been, but this certainly feels more like a proper mission.”
“Copy that.”
Matt started up the stairs and led them to a small room that had two twin beds set up in it.
Kev nearly sighed in relief. He’d thought when they moved that he and Lucky would be separated, but nine men and one woman in a house still necessitated bunking up.
And since he was the designated bodyguard, he was bunking with Lucky.
Though it might not last long if Billy went to Matt with his concerns.
Not that Kev was going to have sex with Lucky in this room. He set the gear down and turned around. The room was small, and while the walls were stone, he didn’t want to test their sound-proofing qualities.
Lucky walked in behind Hawk and set down the small case she was carrying. Their eyes met across the room and he felt a jolt down to his toes. It was hell being with her and not being with her. He wanted to hold her close for the rest of the night, but that clearly wasn’t happening.
“I’m sorry it’s not as nice as the hotel,” Matt said, “but it’s clean and safe. We gave you the room with the bathroom, so you won’t have to share with the guys.”
Lucky pushed her hands into her jeans pockets. “It’s fine.”
Matt and Hawk left the room, and Kev closed the door once he heard their feet on the stairs. Then he turned back to Lucky. She was watching him closely, hands still in pockets, expression a little wary.
He walked over and pulled her into his arms. She wrapped hers around his waist and held on tight. He dropped his cheek against her hair and just stood there breathing her in.
“I’m sorry.”
“For what,” she mumbled against his chest.
“For losing control with you. For forgetting for even a second that this mission is the most important thing, and your safety is my sworn duty. For losing my temper with Billy—hell, you name it.”
Her grip on him tightened. “It takes two, Kev. I couldn’t have cared less about anything but being with you. I still want to be with you.”
His chest ached. “We can’t. Not here.”
She pushed back and gazed up at him, her beautiful eyes so soft and tender. “I know. Billy’s right, and we have to have our heads in the game. I don’t want anyone in danger because of me.”
He put his palm against her cheek, reveling in the silky feel of her flesh. “None of this should have happened. I should have been stronger…”
Her fingers curled into his T-shirt. “I’m glad it happened,” she said fiercely. “And I’m glad you told me about your family. I’m so sorry for what happened to them. But it’s not your fault. I didn’t get to say that earlier, but it’s not your fault.”
He felt as if she’d reached inside his chest and squeezed his heart.
“You don’t know that.” He moved away from her and went over to put a hand on the small desk sitting near the door.
He gripped the edge hard for a moment. And then he turned back to her.
She looked confused, and he felt an almost desperate need to protect her ripple through him.
But he had to confess his sins. It was only right to tell her.
“I fought with my dad that morning. He’d been drinking all night, and I fought with him though I knew he was volatile.
Then I walked out. He screamed at me, told me not to go or I’d regret it.
” He could still see his father’s face twisted in helpless rage.
Still smell the stale odor of cheap beer and bad breath as it blasted over him.
His father had swayed on his feet, reaching for him, but Kev moved out of his way.
And then he laughed when his father fell.
Laughed and walked out while his mother looked terrified and his sister ran from the room.
That was the last time he’d seen any of them alive. His fault.
Lucky wrapped her arms around herself, but he didn’t spare her. He found that he couldn’t. That her pity and her sympathy turned on a flood inside him that he couldn’t stop. She had to know what kind of man he was.
“He shot them sometime that morning. He didn’t kill himself until later in the day. He must have sobered up and realized—”
He raked a shaky hand through his hair. “Maybe he realized what he’d done and couldn’t live with it. Or maybe he was too much of a coward, and it took him a few hours to pull the trigger on himself. I’ll never know which. But I know it wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t left.”
“Oh, Kevin,” she said. She took a step toward him. Stopped, as if she were afraid he might not want her comfort. “It’s still not your fault. He made the choice to kill them, and he made the choice to kill himself. If you’d stayed, he might have killed you too. Did you ever think of that?”
Tears rolled down her cheeks now, and he went over and put his arms around her. “Fuck. You don’t need to hear this after the day you’ve had. I’m sorry.”
“No.” Her voice was harsh as she pushed him back and tilted her chin up to look him in the eye. “I want you to tell me. I want to know what made you you. I’m crying because this hurts you, not because I don’t want to know.”
His throat was tight. If he’d gone this far, he could go the rest of the way.
“Maybe now you can understand why I wasn’t right for you.
When I said I couldn’t be what you need, this is what I meant.
” He choked down a bitter laugh. “Billy’s thinking of picket fences these days, Matt’s planning a wedding, Sam can’t take his eyes off Georgie Hayes whenever she’s in a room—how do they know it’s going to work?
That they won’t wake up someday and find out they’ve failed the people they love? ”
Deep inside he always wondered if his past had damaged him so badly he could never be the kind of man any woman should take a chance on.
He wasn’t about to start drinking and kill his family—but he’d made such a fundamental mistake in judgment that day when he’d left his violent father alone with his mother and sister.
His entire military career had been about rectifying that mistake, and yet it still haunted him.
Thirteen years later, and he couldn’t ever forget the fresh pain of that moment when he’d found them.
She put her hands on his jaw, held him gently and made him look at her.
“None of us are perfect. You were a child, and you didn’t fail anyone.
Your father is the villain in this story, not you.
But even then, relationships are never smooth.
And sometimes it doesn’t work out no matter how you try. That happens too.”
His heart thumped. What she said made sense, and yet… It finally hit him what she wasn’t saying. “You and Marco?”
She let him go and went over to sit on the bed. Her shoulders slumped as she studied her lap. “He asked me for a divorce.”
Kev felt as if she’d punched him in the gut. He couldn’t breathe, couldn’t process it. He sank onto the opposite bed and stared at her. “Another thing he didn’t tell me.”
Marco had kept a lot from him, it seemed. Why?
“I’m sorry.” She pulled in a breath, huffed it out again. “This isn’t supposed to be about me. It’s about you.”
“You can’t drop a bomb like that and not tell me what happened.”
She looked sad for a long moment. And then her jaw tightened. “I don’t know what happened. It’s just, well, we weren’t right for each other. We shouldn’t have gotten married, but he was kind and I was messed up… and I said yes.”
His gut churned. He didn’t want to hear this… and he did. Guilt burned in his soul. “He fell for you the first moment he saw you. He told me you were the girl he was going to marry.”
Her eyes flashed. “And you stayed out of the way because of that, right?”
His fingers rolled into fists. “I told you what I wanted from you. But Marco wanted to take care of you. I thought that was more important.”
“Marco was a good man. But we both did him wrong. And I’m not talking about tonight.
You were the one I was interested in back then, the one I wanted.
I think Marco knew that on some level. I convinced myself I was in love with him though.
” She ran her fingers along her thigh in a quick back-and-forth motion, like she had to do something to keep her emotions in check.
“No, I did love him. But it wasn’t enough.
He tried to stick it out, but I guess he got tired of my hang-ups.
He wanted out, though he planned to let me be the one to file. ”
Kev stood up then. Sweat popped on his skin. He couldn’t process this. Marco had wanted her, married her. Loved her. But it hadn’t worked out.
Kev’s gut churned. What part had he played in that, wanting her from afar?
Had Marco known? Had he suffered because it was obvious his best friend wanted his wife?
He remembered that Marco had stopped sharing things with him long before that final mission.
Had he somehow known what Kev hadn’t admitted to himself?
Lucky was looking at him sadly, knowingly, but he couldn’t discuss this a moment longer. He had to get out, had to clear his head.
“I, uh, need to go see what the plan is for tomorrow.” He strode to the door and opened it. “Don’t wait up.”
But he didn’t go see the guys. He pounded down the stairs and out into the night air.