Chapter 11 Significant Introspection #6
He laughed shortly and stopped pacing. He sensed Elizabeth’s eyes on him as he had talked, but her thoughts were a mystery. While he appreciated her keeping the promise not to interrupt, it was unnerving to have a one-sided conversation. Unsure what he would find, he pivoted about.
Elizabeth sat on the edge of the sofa, hands folded in her lap, chin lifted and bright eyes gazing steadily. With relief, he saw love and sympathy in her face, but before it weakened his resolve to finish, he inhaled and plunged on.
“It was about this time when subtle and not so subtle hints to enter Society came to my attention. New demands I had no desire to be a part of were placed upon my shoulders. It is my responsibility to interact with the ton, but God how I hate it! I’m not sure if you appreciate how much of an agony it is for me, Elizabeth—or was, I should say.
I am still uncomfortable, introverted, and not well-skilled in conversing with people, but believe it or not, I am a charmer compared to how I was just five years ago. ”
She laughed at that, as he’d hoped, giving him the courage to wrap it up. Stepping closer, he got to the meat of it.
“I learned to enjoy some of the social life.
It can be entertaining, I admit. What I despised was the portion I was expected to focus on—finding a wife.
With each passing year, the pressure increased.
My problem was not a dearth of candidates, believe me.
I was the perfect catch with wealth and position.
I could have been married a dozen times over, Elizabeth, or had any of the multiple married women who blatantly offered themselves to me as a diversion from their boredom and empty marriages.
I wanted none of them. I wanted what my parents had and despaired of ever finding it.
I know it makes no sense, and probably any of the men I know would judge me insane or deficient somehow, but with every deceitful, insincere woman who was thrust into my path, wanting me only for my money, my physical desires faded away.
“I began to believe I would never find what my parents shared, that such a love was not destined to be my fate. I knew I was growing bitter and weary, but I could not stop it. And, yes, I worried that something was wrong with me. At times my sexual needs would hit me, excruciatingly so, and I would teeter on the brink of doing something stupid. Not quite so stupid as marrying Caroline Bingley, but you get the idea.”
Another spate of laughter, Elizabeth joining in even with her eyes swimming in tears.
“Mainly, surprising even me, to be honest, I hardened my resolve. I told myself that if I could not find a woman to love, who loved me for me, then I would not marry. Future heirs and Pemberley be damned. I am a profoundly stubborn man, my love if you have not realized that already. Once I set a course, I am loyal to it.”
He paused again, this time for effect. Setting his face into a somber expression, he stared gravely into her eyes.
“What all of this meant to me, Elizabeth, is the unwavering conviction that if I were so fortunate as to find that elusive woman, I would be devoted, faithful, and enduringly thankful until my last breath, and hopefully on into eternity.”
Crossing the remaining space between them, he knelt before her and enfolded her hands in his.
“What this also means, in case you haven’t put it together, is that I am as chaste as you.
Dearest, precious Elizabeth—I saved myself for you, long before I knew who you were or even if you existed.
As trite as that sounds, it is the truth.
My principles, my pride, if you wish, would not allow me to be with a woman unless I loved her and was married to her.
Strange as that is, there you have it. Call me a hopeless romantic. ”
Reaching up to cup her wet cheeks, he whispered, “Now I can see that my decision to wait for you, to trust that you existed, was a worthy one. I have no doubts we shall be marvelous together, in every way, and especially in our lovemaking, even from the very start. How could it not be perfect, beautiful, rapturous? Furthermore, when I stand before God and vow to love and cherish you forever, to be faithful only to you, I will mean it with all my soul. I will never, ever want anyone but you, Elizabeth. This you must believe.”
“I do!” She flung her arms around his shoulders, half falling into his body. If he hadn’t firmly balanced on his knees, they would have tumbled to the carpet. Upon later reflection, he wished they had, but at the moment, it was bliss to feel her happiness.
“Thank you, William, for sharing your life with me. I know it was painful, and I am sorry for being so silly.”
“Do not apologize, love. Promise me you will never apologize for talking to me about any subject. It is my mistake for being so guarded.” He squeezed her tighter, then withdrew just enough to meet her eyes.
“Elizabeth, you must also trust that I would never force myself upon you in any way. Your wishes, requirements, desires…everything and anything to make you happy are of paramount importance to me. I cannot fathom our relationship ever disintegrating so that we do not desire each other, physically or otherwise. But whatever may happen, I will respect you and never cause you harm—”
It was her turn to interrupt, doing so with a kiss. Further vocalizations were mostly monosyllables, the only string of words being multiple “I love you” declarations.