Chapter 18
Colonel Richard Fitzwilliam paced. It was not something he normally did. If he needed to move or to think, he went for a walk or a ride. Usually, however, he was simply not particularly contemplative. Rather, he was a man of action.
Right now, however, Richard was caught between two different actions, and he could not determine which was the correct one. Thus, the back-and-forth pacing reflected the back-and-forth waffling going on in his mind.
The thing that had spurred all this on was the news that the engagement between Miss Lucas and Mr. Collins was at an end.
The past twenty-four hours had been full of gossip fodder for the entire neighborhood.
By the end of the day yesterday, everyone within three miles of Meryton knew that Mr. Wickham was being tried for attacking a lady, though fortunately there was no hint as to who that lady was.
Colonel Forster was the only one, other than those involved, who knew her identity, and he had been discreet enough to not breathe even a hint.
By noon today, news that Sir William and Mr. Collins had mutually broken the engagement between Mr. Collins and Miss Lucas had reached Netherfield.
Richard had never completely understood how such news went around such a spread-out neighborhood so quickly.
At least in London, it made sense. The maid in one household could share news with four other maids quite easily when they all went out back to empty chamber pots or dump coal dust. Here in the country, however, it was not so simple.
No matter how it happened, however, it was undeniable that Charlotte Lucas was now free from that insufferable man. The question that caused his pacing was what he should do with that knowledge.
Every proper feeling in his body and soul screamed that he should be running to Lucas Lodge this very moment to demand that she marry him. However, practicality held him in check, though just barely.
He had never felt like this for any woman. Attraction? Certainly. He had even considered himself in love once or twice. This was nothing like either of those.
His need for her touch, her glance, and her attention went so far beyond simple attraction.
His desire for her companionship, and the wish to create a family with her went beyond love.
He had even found himself daydreaming about what a marriage with her would be like, but he had forced himself to stop.
The siren call of such images and scenes was too much for him to bear when he knew she could never be his.
Now, it was all different. She was free, no longer shackled to a man who could never appreciate her. What he should be doing was rushing to her side to claim his rightful place there.
What held him back, however, was the certain knowledge that he could not give her the life she deserved.
The daydreams of what their married life would look like had resurfaced in his mind, but now, instead of an idyllic life, it was a life of opposing pressures which would eventually wear them both down.
He would need to live a life suitable to the son of an earl, but his small income was barely enough to do so even now.
It might stretch enough to care for a wife, especially one as practical as Miss Lucas, but it would never be enough to raise children.
Charlotte would be the one to shoulder the distress of such a lack.
She would have to raise and educate their children herself, and she would likely need to take care of some of the housework, since he could only afford a few servants.
The toll would eventually wear her down, and Richard would hate himself for putting her through that.
It was a strong argument against proposing marriage.
On the other hand, Richard could not even imagine letting this opportunity slip away from him. If he did, she was certain to find another man who would adore her as much as he did. After all, she had so many qualities to adore.
Even if she didn’t marry someone else, however, if he left the neighborhood without establishing a true connection between them, he would likely never see her again. Was he willing to give up this chance simply because he was afraid of what the future might hold?
Unable to come to a conclusion, he paced. With each turn of his footsteps, his mind turned, changing his opinion of what the best course of action was.
Eventually, Masters entered the library where Richard had been thinking and said, “We can hear your boots all the way in the billiard room. What the devil has you in such a twist?”
Until this visit with Darcy, Richard had never met Masters, though he had heard of him from Darcy.
These last couple of weeks in his company, however, had given Richard a great deal of respect for the man.
Masters was competent in every area of life.
He was practical in his business dealings, but he was not so cold as to shun life’s better feelings.
“I am afraid I am struggling to make a decision, feeling caught between what I want to do and what I should do,” said Richard.
“This may sound insane,” replied Masters, “but I have found that usually, the things we truly want to do are also the things we should do. If they seem incompatible it is because you are not seeing all the steps on your path.”
This answer merely frustrated Richard more.
“That may be so in your charmed life, but I assure you it is not the case in mine. I am faced with either marrying the woman I adore more than life itself and in the process plunging her into a life of drudgery and hard work or simply walking away, knowing that I cannot treat her as she deserves. There are no other steps, nothing I have missed. There is no way to increase my fortune, and no unexplored resources to find.”
“You are speaking of Miss Lucas?” asked Masters.
“I am,” said Richard.
“Would you mind telling me of your situation. Perhaps an outside perspective is what is needed.”
“I suppose it couldn’t hurt,” said Richard. He plopped down on one of the leather armchairs, and Masters took the seat opposite him. “What do you want to know?”
“It would be easiest for me if you could give me some actual numbers. How much is your commission? What is Miss Lucas’ dowry? That sort of thing. Then you can add any other salient points you can think of.”
“My commission’s honorarium is seven hundred fifty per annum,” said Richard.
“There are significant expenses associated with it, however, so my actual income is closer to five hundred. It is a comfortable living. I even have enough for a few luxuries here and there. However, it is not enough to support a wife and definitely not enough to raise children, especially since I am expected to live to the standard expected of an earl’s son. ”
“And Miss Lucas’ dowry?” Masters asked.
“I have not asked,” answered Richard. “If it matches her apparent station in life, however, it’s not likely more than a couple thousand pounds.”
“Even that much could be a significant boon,” said Masters.
“It could be used to purchase a house upfront, thereby reducing your ongoing expenses, or it could be used to purchase several smaller homes which you could then rent out. Such investments are often more lucrative than simply investing in the funds, although they require a bit more oversight.”
“Even so, it is not enough,” said Richard. “We would need a total income of at least a thousand pounds.”
“Why so much?” asked Masters. “I did not think Miss Lucas to be the kind of lady who would demand luxury.”
“She does not,” said Richard. “However, if our income is any less, there will not be money enough to raise our children properly, to provide for their education or to give them the ability to be independent when they grow up. Charlotte would be reduced to the role of both governess and housekeeper, wearing herself out to care for them.”
“And what would you be doing in such a situation?” asked Masters.
“Would you continue to live the way you have, eating what you wish, wearing what you wish, gambling as you wish, while putting all the burden of sacrifice and toil on your wife’s shoulders?
If so, then I agree that you should not marry her. ”
This sharp reply struck Richard squarely in the chest. His heart clenched at the picture Masters had painted.
Would he truly behave in such a way to the woman he adored with all his soul?
On the other hand, doing anything else would require a complete rearrangement of everything he knew.
He would have to learn a completely different way of living.
Intellectually, he knew plenty of gentlemen who lived quite happily on less than half his income. He knew plenty of families kept themselves well-fed, well-dressed, and well-educated on the same income he currently possessed. He just did not know how they did it.
“I know no other way,” said Richard.
“Everyone has some area of life where they lack knowledge and experience,” said Masters.
“The thing about that, however, is that both are usually fairly easy to come by if one is willing to put in the effort. The hard part is identifying what it is you need to learn. Since you have now done that, all that is left is to actually learn it. That is assuming that you wish to.”
“So this is what you meant when you said I was not seeing all the steps on my path,” said Richard. “If marrying Miss Lucas is what I want to do and what I should do, then I need to learn how to live in such a way as to make that possible.”
“That is not up to me to decide or even confirm,” said Masters. “I will only say that it seems reasonable.”
“Thank you, Masters,” said Richard. “I now know what I need to do.”
So saying, he left the room and headed for the stables.
~~~~~