Chapter 33
DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE
brIAR
Now
Walking back into Wonderland feels wrong.
For about the millionth time, I wonder if I would be better off running. But I don’t have the money or resources and I have nowhere to go, no one who will hide me. They’d find me. Probably pretty quickly.
The bouncer on the back door nods at me in polite greeting as I walk past, the music a dull rumble until he opens the doors and the sound comes tumbling out. Alongside a burst of cigar smoke that sets my anxiety on edge, the back hallway feels more claustrophobic than it already did.
I teeter on the threshold. I can feel the bouncer’s eye on me, but he doesn’t say anything. Straightening my shoulders, I let out a deep breath, lift my chin, and step inside. Resisting the urge to scream out when the door shuts behind me.
You’re okay. Giovanni will keep his word. Make money. Pay him back. And get the fuck out of this place.
Do I trust Giovanni? Fuck no. But really what choice do I have?
In my mind I go back to my call with Remi earlier. I’d read her a story over the phone before wishing her good night. I’m doing this for her.
I stiffen at the sight of Gio walking around the corner, dressed in his usual suit and tie.
His eyes land on me and he smiles warmly like we’re old friends.
“Bella! Welcome back. I was beginning to think you weren’t going to show.
” A dark smirk pulls at the corner of his lips and I tremble slightly, getting the feeling that showing up was far better than what they had planned for me if I didn’t.
He checks the clipboard in his hand. “You’re on bar tonight. And the main stage later.”
I release a strangled breath. Okay my normal schedule—that, I can do.
I nod, squeezing by him on my way to the dressing room.
“Move it, Bella. You’re already late.”
I clench my jaw, tightening my grip on my bag, quickening my pace and practically diving through the curtain of the dressing room up the hall.
I pull up short when I find two girls inside, taking stock of who is in the room.
I relax slightly at the sight of Sierra and Jade, both arriving, like me, for the ten p.m. shift. They’re annoying, but hardly a threat.
“Bella!” Sierra whines when she spots me in her mirror trying to sneak over to an empty makeup table. “We missed you! Where’ve you been?”
“I thought you quit,” Jade laughs, eyeing me through her mirror while applying a bright pink shade of lipstick to match the neon lingerie she’s wearing—If you can even call it lingerie, it’s more like… strategically placed string.
“I—Giovanni gave me a week off,” I blurt out.
Both Sierra and Jade turn in their seats to stare at me. “Who did you have to blow to make that happen?”
My eyes widen in shock but Sierra just pouts, looking at Jade. “I wish Gio would give me a week off. You’re so lucky, Bells.” They both turn back to their respective mirrors and I let out a slow exhale.
“Yeah, lucky. That’s me.”
As quickly as I can, I slip out of my ripped jeans and t-shirt and into a sheer, black lace corset.
It’s revealing, while also covering everything I need it to.
A garter belt fastens over my waist, holding my black fishnet stockings in place.
I disconnect from myself a little bit more with each snap of the clasp.
It’s just another routine, a performance just like all the rest, practiced and perfected to draw the right kind of attention from the audience.
Sheer ruffles of lace flare off my hips, delicate and teasing, softening the dark look I picked for tonight.
Leaning into the mirror, I darken my makeup.
The bold, dark liner and burgundy lips feel a lot like slipping on a mask.
Typically I wear little to no makeup, a little eyeliner, a sweep of mascara—anything else would be washed off in sweat by my second class.
But inside these walls, inside Wonderland, I’m not Briar.
I’m who I need to be to survive. I’m playing a role—a character— I’m Bella.
And Bella is all sinful curves, coy smiles, and is just elusive enough to keep the men out there drooling and opening up their wallets.
My rigorous ballet training has honed my body to my control and now I’ve weaponized it; choreographed every mannerism so as to better manipulate men. Every movement has purpose; every toss of my hair, every swing of my hip, and every curl of my lips meant to charm, tease, flirt…
And as long as I keep hold of that—that control—I can make it through this. I can do this.
Disassociation is my new best friend.
Temporary. It’s only temporary.
I try to push away the thought that it’s not just tonight. It’s every night, until Gio finally decides to let me go. If he wanted to, he could have me thrown in the back of a van again and brought to another warehouse that I’m sure he has waiting.
Finished, I stare at myself in the mirror, barely recognizing the girl staring back.
Good. I don’t want to know her.
Celeste barges through the curtains, giving me an assessing look and subsequent nod of approval. “Sierra, you were supposed to be on stage five minutes ago. Move your ass.” She glowers at Sierra a moment longer before her eyes fall back on me. “Bella, you’re on bar.”
I give her a quick nod to let her know I’ve heard her and she disappears back through the dark curtains.
Looking back into the mirror, I push away an errant strand of dark hair from my face with trembling fingers as I rise, retreating into myself as I head out to the floor.