Chapter 4
Something isn’t sitting right with me when I finally make it back to Seward the next day. Yeah, the sex with Aurora was hot and fun, but something was missing. What’s wrong with my damn head lately? Have I dipped so far into depravity that I need someone else there to get me off? Do I need to be watched, or do I now need to watch someone else? Can’t a single hookup with one person be enough?
My mind drifts back to the night with Remy and those two chicks from the bar. Yeah, I watched Remy and the other girl, but it was the brunette that got me off, right? Was it the sex or the atmosphere? I don’t even know anymore, and I hate overthinking this shit. My thoughts are too confusing for me to keep up with. And I’m way too tired to think about it right now.
“Everything go good?” Remy asks as we lock up the planes to leave the airport.
“Yeah, other than the storm. Had to stay in the Cold Lodges. Was freezing.” I shiver. We both hate that place.
“Yeah, Aurora texted me.” Remy laughs. “Told me she kept ya warm.”
That weirdness hits me again. What the hell? “I kept her warm. Hot as fuck, actually.” I brush my shoulders. “What’re you doing tomorrow? First full weekend off in, what, months?”
Remy shrugs, locking the bay doors. “I don’t know, man. I forget how to make plans.”
I laugh at that as we walk to the trucks. “You should come over tomorrow. We can go boarding or something, and I’m sure the boys will be up for anything. They miss you.”
“Sounds good.” He throws his bag in the backseat but doesn’t get in the truck. I wait because Remy isn’t usually hesitant. “You remember that chick from Anchorage who stayed with me for a bit a few years back? Went to our high school, we both…”
I nod.
“She’s gonna be in town this weekend. We should hang out with her one night. She’s bringing her husband, and I don’t want to be the third wheel. Come with me?”
“Look at us being adorably dependent on each other,” I tease him. I tease both of us. “I didn’t know how to keep busy without you in Cold Bay last night, and now you don’t want to be the third wheel.” I laugh. “Let me know when, man. I’m down.”
“We need some distance,” he jokes. “Alright. See ya tomorrow?”
As soon as I get home, I crash. I sleep for twelve hours, and for the first time in months, I feel a lot better by the time I wake up.
“Since when do you smoke, baby?” Mom catches me out on the front porch with one of her cigarettes.
I stare at it. “I don’t. These things are fucking terrible. Why do you smoke them?”
“Nasty habit. Don’t pick it up.” She sits down beside me.
“Everyone’s always out here smoking these things and sorting out all their life problems, so I thought I’d give it a go. Not a fan.”
She takes it from me. “What’s going on? Talk to me.”
I roll my eyes at her. “Oh, please. Do not try to pull one of your bullshit deep conversations on me, Mom. I’m just tired from work. Nothing deeper than that.”
“Mhm,” she hums. “Then why are you out here when everyone else is in there?” She tilts her head at the house.
Yeah, it’s cold as balls out here. “I’m waiting for Rem. He’s coming to pick me up.”
“You’ve never waited outside for him before. He likes coming into the house, baby. What’s your deal? You can’t fool me.”
“Sometimes I just need to take a beat.” I shrug.
“You? Zahnder Dare, who rolls with the punches and never gets worked up about anything, needs to take a beat? No. I don’t buy it.”
“Fuck you and your porch chats, Mom.”
She smirks but says nothing, so here we fucking go.
“I feel weird, but I don’t know why. It’s dumb. Nothing is bothering me, so I don’t know what’s up.”
“Try talking me through it,” she offers.
I shake my head. “Let me sort it out in my own head before I say this shit out loud.” Because it’s most likely about the depths of my sexual desires and lack of fun with vanilla sex these days. “You still have to be my mom after I lay all my confessions out for ya.”
“You can’t scare me that easily, Zahn. Always here.”
Hardin, thankfully, chooses that moment to come out in a bitchy mood. “Give me one of those. Freya’s in a fucking mood.” He takes a smoke from Mom’s pack. He looks exhausted, and I like how it looks on him. Freya likes some angry sex lately, and it’s nice to see Hardin in his place, taking everything she can give him.
Mom passes him a lighter and calls him an idiot for smoking. “You give her whatever she needs, Hardin Dare. She’s carrying your baby and doing all the work.”
Hardin snaps. “My dick can only handle so much fucking, Mom!” He’s not even joking. He’s seriously bitching about too much sex?
“Are you even a Dare?” I scoff at him.
“She’s gonna kill me, Zahn.” He sits down and wipes sweat off his forehead, sitting in a t-shirt in the snow. “She’s always been horny, and I prided myself on keeping up with her, but this is a whole new level. Snacks and sex. That’s life now.”
“And you’re bitching why?” Sounds pretty damn perfect to me.
“Because she’s showing me I’m a little bitch,” he admits. “Not ashamed to say she wears the pants, but fuck, I need some shorts at least.”
I laugh at that, but don’t get time to mock him for it. Rydan comes out, throwing a coat on and leaning against the railing.
“What’s your problem?” he asks me. Mom, realizing the two of them are taking over her porch chat, smiles at me before she walks back inside.
“Nothing. Why does everyone keep asking me that?”
“Because you’re sitting out here like a dipshit. Not like you to sit out a party.” Hardin steals Mom’s blanket.
“I’m not sitting it out. I’m waiting for Remy. Lay off.”
“That fucker wants to party, too. Something’s up.” Rydan studies me like he’s going to find all the answers on my blank face. Keep looking, bud. “Shit weird with you and Rem after your group fuck?”
I shake my head. “No. We’ve done that before.”
“Okay, then is shit weird in your head after the group fuck?” Hardin amends the question.
Leave it to these two to understand how deep my mind goes. My head isn’t right, but it isn’t fixating on one particular thing. It’s more curious about if I need more than sex to get off all of a sudden. If I need a different vibe. “No, not really.”
“Not really? But something has you overthinking, yeah?” Ry asks.
I shrug.
“You can talk to us about this shit. My girlfriend is trying to kill me. I need the distraction.” Hardin leans back and takes a drag.
I don’t even know where to start because I don’t really understand what’s going on in my mind. I’ve never been good at analyzing things, and honestly, I don’t typically have much to analyze. I’m a simple guy with simple pleasures. Maybe that’s the problem. My pleasures aren’t so simple anymore, and it’s freaking me out a bit because I don’t want to be complicated.
“I dunno. Sometimes I think I’m getting so fucked up that basic sex doesn’t do it for me anymore. Like my mind can’t stay focused on sex if more sex isn’t going on around me.” I feel dumb as soon as I say it. “It’s nothing. Stupid bullshit.” Really wish I liked cigarettes.
“It’s not bullshit,” Rydan says, leaning against the railing. “You’ve always liked… extra. What changed?”
My dick changed its mind, that’s what. “I hooked up with this pilot the other night. I’ve been with her before and things are always good and easy. It was good, don’t get me wrong, but I only got off because I was thinking about other things on top of the sex. I don’t know, guys. It’s just… weird.”
“So, you’re all freaked out because one half-decent fuck means you’re all vile and wicked?” Hardin scoffs. “Try again. Test the theory.”
Not bad advice coming from Hardin. But I’m at my mental limit for talking about it, so I turn the tables. “Look at you, daddy of the fucking year, with your knowledge and wisdom.”
“Yeah.” Hardin flexes. “Maybe everyone will start coming to me with their problems instead of going to Lakes.”
Maybe Laken is the person I need to talk to. She’ll get it. She’s into the extra, knows what it’s like to have multiples, and has some kinks. I think that’s why I’m drawn to her sexually at times. She isn’t basic. She has two boyfriends, for fuck’s sake. She likes being watched, appreciates the vibe of a sexy situation, and isn’t afraid of a little risky danger. She’s my brothers in chick form, but where she differs from them is in her ability to talk about it calmly. I can vent my shit to her and listen to her answer without punching someone in the face. Maybe that’s why she’s on my mind lately. She isn’t vanilla, and for some reason, that gives me some scrap of confidence that I can make a non-vanilla life work like she did.
I take a moment to mentally scold myself for not weaseling my way into Jed and Kade’s bond. If I was closer to them, I’d have way more opportunities to see how those three work in their relationship. I knew I should have teamed up with Kade instead of mocking the shit out of him for falling for his brother’s girl. Jokes on me now, eh? I just want to see how they work, what they get off to, and how they all manage it without it being weird. I want to know how the things I’m interested in can translate into an actual relationship rather than just one-night stands.
Is that what I’m looking for? Someone to match my energy and get up to all sorts of wicked things with me? An open relationship or some shit? Is there even someone out there as crazy as me to understand the things I like and crave?
I mean… my partner in crime, but…
“Who’s this girl you and Rem are hanging out with tonight?” Rydan asks.
“Cara. She went to our high school for a bit, remember? Remy and I both banged her.” I laugh. “She’s awesome. Was always a good time, but she’s married now and bringing her husband. Haven’t met him yet.”
“Don’t be a homewrecker, Zahn.” Ry widens his eyes at me.
“I’ve never been a homewrecker, you dick.”
Saved by Remy. He pulls in and gets out, walking right past me waiting for him on the porch to have a beer with my brothers. Mom gives him a kiss, and over his shoulder, she gives me a ‘told you so’ look.