Chapter 16
My world erupts into shame and chaos, the two mixing together to fill me with so much doubt and fear that my throat locks up and my mind blanks and whirs at the same time.
I’ve held on to this secret since the night it happened, promising myself that he’d eventually let it go and be none the wiser. That Zahn would get over the allure of the blowjob and move on to the next best thing like he always does. Never, in my wildest fucking dreams, did I think he’d fixate on it like he has been.
And the whole time he’s been bringing it up at random, telling me about it like it was the best thing of his life, I haven’t been sure how to feel about it.
Guilty that I touched him against his will?
Ashamed that I sucked a dick for the first time while the recipient didn’t even know?
Disrespectful because I willingly crossed a boundary with my best friend that he hasn’t given me the green light to cross?
Even little parts of me want to be flattered and read into the reason why he liked it so much, but it’s hard to be happy about something when there’s so much shame and guilt associated with it.
But there I went, telling him my secret when I promised myself I wouldn’t. And now he’s staring at me with a blank but shocked look on his face, filling me with so much fear that I don’t know how to cope with it. Shock means nothing when I can’t tell if it’s a good shock or a bad shock. Is he overwhelmed? Is he pissed off? Is he relieved? Does he hate me?
The thought of him hating me for it crushes my fucking soul, and nothing would be worse than losing him over something like this. It changed my whole outlook on everything, and I’ve been bottling that feeling up since the weekend we were in Anchorage. But it will change my whole life if Zahn reacts poorly to this, and that, more than anything, is what is causing me to panic.
He’s my best friend; I’m not supposed to know what it feels like to have his cock hit the back of my throat, or be familiar with the way his cum tastes. I’m not supposed to like it so much that I came in my boxers without anyone or anything even touching me. I’m the guy who is supposed to hear about it, listen to him talk about all his experiences, and laugh along with them as he recaps. I’m supposed to shoot the shit over whiskey and beers with him while he explains all his new kinks and tells me about the times he tried them. I’m supposed to be the hookup buddy, the wingman, and the other body in the room—not the body that touches him.
But then he had to go on and on about energy and vibes, and suddenly, all that shit started making sense to me. I got swept up in the atmosphere of his show, watching him in pleasure, seeing him succumb to the energy he created with the help of Cara and Cody, and a desperate part of me wanted to belong to that. To be involved in it. To act without thinking, basing my reactions on the senses I picked up from the situation around me. Just like he does.
I got swept up in the moment, and it barely even took any urging from Cara and Cody for me to drop to my knees in front of my best friend and take a dick into my mouth for the first time. Because Zahn was right earlier when he said it was about chemistry. I fucking felt that chemistry all the way down to the marrow of my bones, and there was no part of me that night that wanted to deny it. For that night only, I took a page out of Zahn’s book and allowed myself to be open-minded, brave, and influenced by the things going on around me.
And it ended with him coming down my throat.
Would I have done it if he wasn’t blindfolded? Would he have wanted me to do it if he’d had any say? Fuck!
I freaked out over it for days without letting him know, and now it’s come out of my mouth like an angry waterfall, churning up the pool at the bottom and drowning me in confused feelings.
I don’t know my sexuality.
I don’t know how he’s going to react.
I don’t know where we stand.
I’m sinking, and he’s still staring at me like he can’t find any words and isn’t willing to latch onto any specific feelings about it.
He swallows, clearing his head. The green of his eyes goes from glazed to crystal clear, the shock of the news bringing sobriety. “You what?” Fury, confusion, shock, and… something else all cross his face, leaving me with no clear picture. “You did what?”
I said it once, I can’t say it again. “Fuck!” I hate myself for doing it, for admitting it, and for being so ashamed of it. “Fuck!”
“Remy! Tell me what the fuck you mean,” he demands, stepping closer to me.
I can’t. I don’t have the balls to verbally make it come out again. I run my fingers through my hair, tugging the strands in an attempt to shock my own mind back into clarity. Anxiety is almost worse than dread, and they’re both fighting for dominance within me, worsening the panic. Because maybe there’s still a tiny chance that he thinks I’m joking and I can backpedal my way out of this.
“Remy.” He grabs my shoulder, but I’m shrugging him off as a knee-jerk reaction. He doesn’t let me. He grabs both of my shoulders, clamps his hands tight, and looks me straight in the eyes. “Tell me what the fuck you did, Remy, because from where I’m standing, it sounds like you…”
“Don’t fucking push me!” I shove him back, but he comes at me even harder. “Fuck you, Zahn! Fuck you for not dropping it!” I shove him so hard he falls on his ass between the two beds, looking up at me like I just broke him.
He glares at me the whole time he climbs to his feet. “You better fucking clarify something for me, Remy. Because I sure as fuck know you do not mean what I think you mean.” His chest heaves and his fists ball.
“Fuck you,” I say again, unsure what else to add. I need to run. “You heard me.”
“Oh,” he scoffs, letting out a crazed huff of laughter. “I fucking heard you alright.” He’s right in front of me, chest to chest, eye level with my glare. “You said you did it. Right? So confirm that for me, Remy. Did you…” he swallows the question, not brave enough to ask it.
“Yeah.”
His eyes shoot to mine again. “You sucked my cock?” he finally asks. “Remy, did you suck my fucking cock?”
My turn to clench my jaw and flare my nostrils. I want to kill him for asking for clarification. I want to hate myself for mentioning it in the first place. Doing it! For fuck’s sake, what had I been thinking? I’m three seconds from hyperventilating, and I can’t tell if I’m more angry at him or myself. I thought I could handle this conversation, but the truth is, I can’t grasp this new, fucked-up reality where the outcome isn’t clear and our friendship is threatened.
“Remy! Answer me!”
I shove him a third time, and when he doesn’t get far, I take a swing at him. He grabs my wrists and pins my back to the door. Eye contact has never been hard with Zahn, but right now, it’s impossible. So, acting on anger once again, I push and push and shove until he trips over one of our bags and lands on his ass for the second time.
“Yeah,” I say, standing over him. “I did. I sucked your fucking cock.” I grab my boots and my coat, hoping the truck keys are somewhere in the pockets, and then force myself to look at him again. “Don’t follow me.”
My breath shakes as soon as I close the door behind me, and tears of either worry or anger or shame brim in my eyes as I sling my coat on and step into my boots.
Fear, like I’ve never known it before, consumes me. I’m scared. I’m really scared.
So I try to work off that fear by walking around the building. The snow whips my face, burning it until my cheeks are perma-red, and my lack of socks doesn’t help with my frozen toes. I didn’t even grab the right boots on my way out; these are Zahn’s, and they’re old as shit because he’s too lazy to buy a new pair. The walk isn’t helping, so I unlock the truck, start it, and turn the headlights off so they don’t lead Zahn to me.
Will he even come looking?
Alone in the cold and the dark, I rub my hands together, trying to calm down enough to think rationally. But when that fails, I pull my phone from my pocket, crank the heat, and call one of the only two people I can think of to talk about this with.
When Rayne doesn’t answer, I call Laken. She’s someone who can talk me into going back inside to face Zahn and the mistake I made.
“Hey, Rem.” Her voice settles something inside me. It’s the middle of the damn night, and of course, Laken is up and willing to listen. “Zahn already called. Are you okay?”
Of course he did. I lean my forehead against the cool steering wheel, trying to breathe. “Fuck, Laken. What do I do?”
Laken laughs in sympathy. “You light a smoke, talk it out, and then you go back in there and face that asshole you call a best friend. That’s what Rayne would say,” she says fondly. “Come on, Remy. You and Zahn are closer than any other friends I know, including me and Gar. You can get through this just by talking about it. You’re open. He’s open. So go hash it out and get to the bottom of it.”
She really does sound like Rayne.
I light a cig, taking her advice. Cracking the window, I exhale most of my guilt and focus on the next steps. “What if this changes everything? What if our friendship doesn’t last?”
“What if it makes it better?” she counters. “You can sit here and play the what if game forever. Nothing will work itself out, Rem. You guys gotta do that part.”
“He’s going to be so fucking choked. I crossed way too many lines. Did he sound pissed off?”
“He sounded worried,” Laken says. “He’s worried about you. He asked me a hundred times if he could go outside to talk to you, but I told him to give you some space. He’s trying to respect that, but it’s Zahn, so… take that as you will.” She laughs, and I hear the sound of the front door at the Dare house opening and closing. I picture her sitting down in a rocking chair outside in the stormy weather.
“I’m sorry to call. I tried Rayne first.”
“Rayne’s down at the resort trying to deal with angry guests. She’ll probably call you back as soon as she sees your missed call. Never apologize. We’re family. So, let’s talk it through. What comes next?” she asks.
“I go in there and hit him again,” I suggest, sort of joking.
“Solid plan,” she agrees. “Go for his smug smirk. But only if he says something really stupid.”
“It’s Zahn,” I reason. “Of course he’s going to say something stupid.”
“Then you win.” She laughs again. “Wait. Only hit him if he uses the word ‘fuckery.’”
A choked laugh comes out of me, easing something in my chest. “You know he’s gonna drop that one.”
“Oh, I know. So hit him hard and then hash it out.” She pauses to inhale and exhale her own smoke, so I do the same. “You okay? Honestly?”
Not really. Everything is on the line and I don’t know where I stand. I’m beyond scared, unsure about all aspects of life, and struggling with my desires now. I just wanted that night to remain a sexy mystery to him, but he wouldn’t let it go, and now chaos has set in.
“I’m confused,” I admit. “Scared. Am I… bi?”
“Labels are just words with a lot of variations, Rem. You don’t have to pick one until you’re ready.”
Fuck, that… sounds so much easier than the way I’ve been trying to narrow myself down.
“Look,” she starts, so I lean back in the seat to listen, my cigarette hand hanging out the window. “I tried to talk to Zahn about this a while back. We were talking about bonds and connections and the types of relationships between people that don’t always measure up to romance, you know? Maybe instead of focusing all your efforts on the blowjob thing, try talking about that kind of stuff. Remind each other why you are so close, so bonded together. Don’t doom your lifelong friendship just because things turned more sexual than they already were. You guys are stronger than that.”
Maybe she’s right. Instead of worrying so much about the sexual side of things, I need to figure out why I was so willing to do them. Do them with Zahn, most importantly. It’s not like that night was the fulcrum point that swung our friendship in a new direction. The hookup thing we’ve had going on for a while now has been leading us in that direction—or maybe just leading me, but that’s another part I need to sort out.
“Is this… am I wrong about it all? Was I wrong to do it?” I ask her one of my biggest concerns. I mean, Zahn doesn’t have any limits, but did I find one?
“Lines get blurry, Rem. You and Zahn just need to figure out where your lines are or if you even have any. Relationships and friendships change. Just remember that change isn’t always for the worse, right? Fuck, look at mine. I have two fucking boyfriends, and you know what?”
“What?” I ask, pressing the phone to my ear so hard, thinking it’s going to let me listen better.
“Not many people are okay with it, but guess what? I don’t fucking care anymore. Happiness, love, relationships… that shit is all objective, and no one’s opinion matters more than the ones making the decision. What we have, what you and Zahn have, that’s worth so much more than someone else’s opinion of it. So stop worrying about right and wrong and start talking it through. You two love each other. And you’ll still love each other when the conversation is over.”
I take a deep breath again, and let it out slowly. “Thanks, Lakes. I… I needed to hear that.”
“Hit him hard if he says the magic word, and don’t let him get away with any shit,” she says, laughing. “Talk to ya when you get back. Love ya, Rem.”
“Love you.”
Okay, time to go face that fucking Dare.