28. Chapter 28
Chapter twenty-eight
There is a man in my bed. A tall, strong, gorgeous, muscle-bound man in my bed.
Curled up against me. A heavy leg is draped across mine. A hand rests on my stomach. I stare at the ceiling and realize I’m smiling. This used to feel suffocating to me. Anyone touching me, holding me, cuddling with me. It’s one reason I take the controlling role in my sex play at the club and I don’t have sex at home. Cuddling, lingering, tangling up like this…it leads to feelings. It’s more intimate than sex. Sex is just sex.
Last night…last night was way more than sex.
It was perfect from beginning to end. But now I feel things. I let myself get caught up in the entire evening and I feel things. Things for this gorgeous straight man who I fucked last night. I’ve been feeling things for him for a long time though, haven’t I? Possibly from the second I laid eyes on him. I flirted with Davey that night. But only because I knew flirting with TJ wasn’t an option. Looking at him was, though. And look at him, I definitely did. He didn’t even notice. He accused me of wanting Davey. Of preferring Davey.
My fingers stroke his hair absent-mindedly and I let my eyes drift closed again, relishing this feeling. This quiet contentedness. TJ stirs slightly and presses himself even closer to me.
“What happens now?” TJ mumbles softly against my shoulder.
“What usually happens when you wake up with one of your conquests?”
“Conquest?” he chuckles. “Is that what you think you are?”
I don’t respond. Do I feel like that? Maybe.
“Well, first of all, I usually struggle to remember the name of whoever I went to bed with. Then I wonder why I spent the entire night with her. I have the excuse that I need to get going to practice, the plane, whatever…I give her a kiss, grab my clothes and leave. Unsatisfied and pissed at myself and wondering when I’m going to wake up with someone who matters to me.
“Today is that day. Now, this morning…you matter to me.”
I clear my throat. How is it so easy for him to say that?
“That makes you nervous, doesn’t it?”
“Breakfast?”
I feel his lips curve into a smile against my skin.
“Coffee?”
He kisses, then nibbles my arm. “That sounds perfect.”
It makes me nervous. It makes me excited. It makes me happy, and it makes me want more. Too much more. And I’m sure I don’t want his answer if I pose the same question to him. The desire to keep things quiet? Secret lovers? A game I swore I would never play again. But TJ isn’t hiding a wife. TJ is a prominent professional athlete. Keeping things quiet is self-preservation. Career protection. He has a reputation as a womanizer. Oh, what will the world think when it turns out he has an affection for men too? One man?
TJ moves from my shoulder and props on his elbow. His leg still holding me hostage. “Where did Fynn go when he left us?”
What? Fynn? “He has a regular at the club.”
“You mean besides you?”
Hmmm. I’m not surprised he and Fynn talked about my relationship with him while they were alone together. But I am surprised TJ is bringing it up now. “Yes, besides me.”
“Who?”
“Why do you want to know this?” If I didn’t know better, I’d say he is jealous. And do I know better? No, I don’t.
“Why didn’t you let him stay with us?”
“I told you I didn’t want your first time to be at the club.”
“But you dismissed him before we got to that. You were still mad at me.”
I sigh. “I wasn’t mad at you. I was mad at myself for wanting you so damn much and for being so afraid I was heading down a dangerous road again.”
“Do you still think that?”
I shake my head. “Not really.”
“Not really . Wow, you are a tough sell.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be, but I wish you would stop judging me for something somebody else did to you.”
“Fair request. I promise to try.”
“Tell me what happened, please.” TJ tightens his grip on my legs with his. Afraid I’ll flee, perhaps. He strokes a finger along my shoulder and then kisses me, his lips so soft. A gentle kiss full of so much emotion.
“It’s hardly worth telling, really. The gist of it is this man came to the club. I was at the bar…and he hit on me and I fell for it.”
“Did he not tell you he was straight?”
“Oh, I knew he was straight.” I try to increase my distance from TJ, but his leg won’t let me. “What he didn’t tell me was that he was still married. He was at the club trying to save his marriage. He claimed he was divorced and hadn’t been able to get back into the groove since and had an inkling he might be bisexual…so…he was charming and I went for it. Told him I would let him explore his bisexual desires with me.”
“How long were you with him?”
“Six months.”
“Oh.”
“Yep, six months. He played me for a fool.”
“And his wife too, I gather.”
I nod.
“I’m so sorry.”
“He didn’t even end it like a decent human being. He thanked me. He thanked me for being such a grand experiment and for teaching him so much. Thanked me.” My heart pounds in my chest and I feel the fury building inside of me just talking about this. It’s been years. I need to let go.
“Were you in love with him?”
“I never said those words, thank God, but I had strong feelings for him, that’s for sure. That’s when I swore off straight men.”
“You know, we don’t all have ulterior motives like that.” TJ squeezes me with his leg.
I nod. “I know…but…your reputation and being a professional athlete…well…didn’t seem like you would want more than just fooling around, either.” I face him for the first time since we started talking about Lawrence.
“So many women and now you’re bored…you know.” I smile and try to make the statement more lighthearted than it feels in my chest.
TJ laughs. “Davey said the same thing about my desire for you when he tried to discourage me.”
“Am I wrong?”
“No, you aren’t, at least not at the start. But in my mind, I wasn’t out for just a one-time fling. You genuinely intrigued me…and then the elevator ride obviously changed everything.”
He gets quiet for a moment. The thought of Lawrence and even relaying that mild version of our affair has my blood simmering. That little piece of the story doesn’t seem to reveal enough of it to make my angst understandable. But it seems to be enough to satisfy TJ for now. And that simmer increased at TJ’s admission that he was bored with women when he set his sights on me.
“Where does Fynn fit into this?”
“Into what?” Again with Fynn.
“Your life.”
“He’s a friend.”
“You both keep saying that. A friend you fuck. A friend who fucks you.” Another sign they talked about our relationship.
“No, I fuck him…he’s a bottom. He’s a sub for me. He gets to blow me…not fuck me.”
“That sounds cold and unfeeling.”
“It’s not.” I can’t help but smile a bit. “It’s what we do, the relationship we have. But if I have you, what I have with him stops instantly.”
“Is that what he wants?”
“It’s the way it works.”
“What if he still wants you?”
“It won’t matter what he wants.” And that sounds very cold. “He wants no more from me than what we have. He has someone else.”
“Who is it?” TJ pulls away from me now and sits all the way up.
Against my better judgement, I answer. “The bartender, Derek.”
He doesn’t respond. He doesn’t look at me either. If he doesn’t want to share me with Fynn, then Fynn having someone else should make him feel better, not worse.
“I like him,” he says, not looking at me. He turns and faces me. “Fynn. I like him. A lot.”
“TJ, I’m not sure what you are getting at here.”
“Well, I was going to say I don’t want to share you with anyone…except Fynn, and then only when I’m around. But I don’t want to share him either.”
Well, knock me over with a damn feather. He wants a threesome. But the way he is saying this…I increase my distance from him and his leg finally releases its hold on mine.
“TJ, you aren’t just talking about an occasional threesome at the club, are you?”
He shakes his head. I don’t do threes. I have. I didn’t enjoy it. But the third was always someone random. This wouldn’t be someone random. This would be me sharing TJ with Fynn, and I don’t know how I feel about that. I did it last night to deter TJ. It didn’t. At. All.
“Will I, or we, be expected to share you ?” I know the answer before I ask. But my mind isn’t ready to address what he really wants.
“Hell no,” he snaps. “Of course not.”
My heart fills with the emphatic statement. The man is decisive and knows what he wants. Fuck. And here I thought the issue was him not wanting to come out. Of course, we haven’t answered that question, either.
“How do you think Fynn will feel about this idea?”
I shrug. I don’t know. I can’t answer for him. For fun? Sure he would love it. But all the time. “I don’t even know how I feel about the idea.”
“But,” he looks at me, confused. “last night. That’s not a regular thing for you?”
I shake my head. “That was a test for you.”
“Did I pass?”
I smile. “You liked watching?”
“I liked it a whole fucking lot.”
And I like you a whole fucking lot, I think. But can I share him with Fynn?
“Is he going to be okay with that?”
“Fynn?” I smile. I slide my fingers down TJ’s arm, tangle my fingers with his and nod. “He’ll be more than okay with that. The chance to freely toy with you…and you with him.”
“Do you like watching?” he asks.
“Voyeurism has never really been my thing.”
“Yeah, well, I didn’t think it was my thing either.”
I chuckle. “I don’t mind being watched. At the club, it happens all the time, planned or not. Fynn loves being watched.”
“I gathered that,” TJ laughs. “He is worth watching, that’s for sure. There is something about him, so, I don’t know…whatever it is, is so damn sexy.”
I raise my eyebrows a bit and meet his eyes. A prick of jealousy tries to dig its way into my belly.
“Does that make you jealous?” He purrs. “That I find Fynn attractive, too?”
“I’m not sure.” That is an honest answer.
“He got to make me come before you did.”
I nod. Having Fynn with us was a test. I wanted to show TJ who I am. What my preferences are. It was a test. I half expected it to turn him off. When it didn’t, I’ll admit I was glad. But watching Fynn with him. That affected me in ways I didn’t expect. I didn’t like it. Not at all. The way they looked at each other. Now, this admission that he finds Fynn attractive.
“I’m not used to having a third.” I don’t even like having a third.
“Really?”
“Really. That isn’t what we do. Last night was…. well it wasn’t planned. And the only expectation I had was that it might deter you. Scare you off.”
“A third person, watching you or seeing how you treated him?”
“All the above.”
“Well, I don’t want a third for the sake of a third. I’m not sure sharing is really my thing. I’ve never cared enough about anyone to care. But you…and Fynn. I liked the way it felt…all of us, together.”