49. Chapter 49
Chapter forty-nine
I’m not sure what Fynn wants. He didn’t make it clear when he called. Maybe he’s just horny and I’m okay with that. It’s been a minute since we fooled around. Since…TJ…since we fought about him. Since I let TJ walk out of my life. And then allowed Fynn to do the same.
Fynn made it clear he has feelings for him too and we fought. We’ve never fought before, ever. In all our years, decades of friendship, Fynn and I have never fought.
Since then we have taken a break from each other. I’ve kept my distance from the club. Let it be Fynn’s domain. I’ve taken a break from sex too. A break from everything other than music. That’s all that exists for me right now. Until I close my eyes. That’s when I miss him. Miss Fynn. Miss TJ.
Hockey season will be starting soon.
I threw away the summer. Threw away any down time he would have had to spend with me. I threw him away. Threw us away. Nothing I can do about that now.
But Fynn. I can fix that…I think….I hope. He did call me. I didn’t hesitate. It’s been long enough. Time to sit and talk or fall into bed and talk or…
All of that would be fine if the man I see when I walk through the door of our playroom is Fynn.
The man whose back is to me now isn’t Fynn.
His hands are in his pockets stretching his faded jeans even tighter across that firm round ass.
I look toward Fynn, seated in one of the overstuffed chairs. Ankle on opposite knee kicked back. Not a care in the world.
“This isn’t what you think,” TJ says without turning around.
“And what is it that I think?” My tone is sharp and annoyed, but seeing TJ…it’s not annoying at all.
“You think I came to Fynn to get to you…to get you to see me…to listen to me.”
I tip my head.
“You don’t need to put him in the middle and play some sort of game to get to me. I never expected that sort of thing from you.” And I didn’t. TJ is a straight shooter – pardon the pun — he doesn’t hesitate to let you know where you stand with him or what he wants from you. At least that is how he has always treated me, before I screwed everything up. And I like that about him…like it a lot. Appreciated it a whole fucking lot.
“So, why did you call Fynn first?” I glance at Fynn who has the faintest hint of a smug look on his face.
“Because I wanted to see Fynn,” TJ says it clearly. Matter of factly. He turns to face me. He waits for what he just said to register. If he wanted that statement to hit me like a slap in the face…it connects more like a punch square in the jaw.
He wanted to see Fynn. Now those eyes are square on me again. He wants a reaction. He’s trying to piss me off, isn’t he.
“I didn’t call him. I showed up here to see him.”
“So what the hell am I doing here? Do you two want my blessing…fine, go ahead, fuck each other, I don’t care…I’m done with both of you.”
“Well, that’s unfortunate, because I still want both of you.”
I blink. I blink again. I look at Fynn, sitting comfortably in the chair like he has no care in the world. Like the hottest man I’ve ever seen…like the man who essentially saved my life and then walked away because of my idiocy…like this man I once accused of just wanting to experiment…like the man who stole my heart and made me feel things no matter how hard I tried to keep that cage around it locked and secure….like that man didn’t just declare he wants us both.
He said this before. So long ago. After the one night we had sex. One night. That’s all it took for him to steal my heart and for Fynn to take hold of his. I thought he would get over the idea of a throuple.
“You mean…” I can’t really get the question out.
“Both of you,” he says again. “You, Fynn, me together. This is not the first time I’ve told you this.”
I nod. “I know…but,” I stammer. “I thought, well I thought you’d be over that by now.”
TJ grins. “Not even close.”
Maybe he just means here at the club. “Here?” I say and point to the ground.
“Everywhere.”
Now my jaw is fully on the floor and what he just said…I can’t even wrap my brain around it, at all.
“I don’t share well.”
Fynn snorts.
“You share Fynn,” TJ says
“That’s different. Fynn isn’t—”
“Stop right there,” TJ says. “The only thing Fynn isn’t is an object, a plaything, a means to a release…he may be that for some when he chooses it. But that isn’t what he is to me…and shouldn’t be what he is to you.”
“But that’s the relationship we have, have always had.”
“Did you ever ask him about that, about what he wanted from you?”
“You’re in love with Fynn?” I ask. But it isn’t really a question.
“Yes.”
I stare at him, then look at Fynn, who seems more surprised by this declaration than I am.
“You expected me to hesitate?”
“No, you never do.” And that’s one of the things I love most about him. Love. I do still love him. And Fynn…he looks at me. I never knew he wanted more from me. “Why…why didn’t you ever tell me?”
“I thought I’d lose you…and I couldn’t bear that…so I made myself happy with what we had. Then TJ made me realize…it was never going to be enough.”
I exhale. Wow. I look between the two of them. The world is spinning. I exhale again. TJ looks different. So confident. But he has always been confident in his feelings hasn’t he. And Fynn. A lifetime together and I kept blinders on. I knew he loved me. But he never said and neither did I. I was afraid those three little words would change everything. And what we had worked…
I look at the floor. Thoughts racing. All three of us…or nothing at all.
“All or nothing?”
TJ furrows his brow and looks at Fynn. Fynn sighs and he glances at me and shakes his head as he looks away.
“Pick a safe word.”