14. Elias
Chapter Fourteen
ELIAS
Hours later, I found myself unable to sleep, which was nothing new. Sleep and I had never gotten along all that well. The regimented routine of the military had helped somewhat, but then everything blew to smithereens when Greg died. I got hurt and then got hooked on those asinine pills.
Since then, I felt like I was in an endless boxing match with sleep. I was gradually coming to peace with the fact that sometimes I’d wake up and need to get out of bed to snap my brain out of its habit of rummaging around in the dark, casting about for every painful regret or needless worry I could find.
I walked outside in the darkness after shrugging into my jacket and lowered my hips onto the top step. Just last month, all of us had finally finished building a house a stone’s throw away from the main resort building. It was nice too. There were six bedrooms in here and four showers, along with a nice hangout space downstairs and an efficiency kitchen. We’d been working on it in fits and starts over the last year or more and took the winter months to get the interior complete for us to move in. With my limited mobility over the winter, I hadn’t been able to do as much as I’d wanted, but I’d managed to help some.
I stayed here with Diego, Tucker, Gabriel and Grant. Nora had her own place nearby, while Flynn and Cat lived at the main building with Daphne. I was relieved to be able to get around without my crutches and not need to stay in the room there anymore.
I rested my chin on my two fists stacked on top of each other and stared out into the darkness. A barred owl hooted nearby, and I heard a rustling in the trees. It was loud enough that I figured it was a squirrel. Small animals generally made the most noise in the woods.
My mind spun to the call I’d made to my mother recently, as I’d promised my sister. My mom wasn’t adjusting to aging all that well. She’d always been active and hated slowing down. It didn’t help that she was a medical assistant, and there was always work to be had at the local hospital where she’d worked for years. She had rheumatoid arthritis and wasn’t too pleased with how stress exacerbated it. She’d told me she knew she needed to scale back and promised she’d already talked to the hospital about it. Of course, she only got to that after I pointed out how I’d hate to see her lose more mobility by pushing herself too hard.
I was tight with my mom and my sisters. If I was ever going to move away from here, they would be the only reason why. It’s just that there was peace here in Alaska, and I needed that right now. Oregon was close enough for me to fly there in half a day, so I tried to take care of them from a distance.
I took a deep breath, my lungs filling with the crisp, early spring air. My breath misted as I let it out. My thoughts had been chasing each other when I couldn’t sleep, mostly getting hung up on Cammi. But then, I couldn’t blame Cammi for my lack of sleep. Hell, she’d pitched a tent in every corner of my thoughts whether I was awake or asleep.
I’d known I was feathering along the edges of a bad decision when I gave in and kissed her. Not because I didn’t want to kiss her. Not because she wasn’t sexy, sweet, a little sassy, and more emotionally fragile than I wanted to contemplate. No, rather, the problem was me. Once in my life, I’d slipped, not even for that long, but it had thrown my entire perception of myself and my ability to keep my shit together into disarray ever since.
I heard footsteps approaching, the subtle crunch of one boot after another landing on the ground. Although there was still snow left at the higher elevations, there wasn’t much on the well-worn path between the main resort and our staff house, or as Diego dubbed it, ‘the guy place’.
In a moment, the shadow of a man appeared, and I knew immediately it was Diego. Even in the dark, I’d recognize any of the guys I worked with here. We all knew each other too well. Diego was the tallest of all of us and had an easy, rangy stride.
He stopped in front of the steps, and our eyes were practically level with him standing and me sitting on the top step. “What the hell are you doing out here?” he asked.
“The better question would be what the hell are you doing out at this hour?” I countered.
Diego shrugged easily. “I went into town for a bit after dinner. Needed to see some other faces. You doing okay?” He climbed the steps and rested his hips beside mine to look out into the darkness.
“I’m okay. Wasn’t sleeping well.”
“How’s your pain?”
Diego knew me better than probably any of the guys here, and we all knew each other well. It’s just he was fucking perceptive as hell. He was solid as they came too. He had a philosophical bent that could be at odds with his intense loyalty and emotional nature.
I knew he was only asking because he was concerned, but every time somebody asked me about my pain, it felt as if my nerve endings were too raw to even tolerate the question. It was like a mosquito in the darkness that you wanted to swat—fucking annoying as hell and impossible to find.
I took a breath and let it out again. It was too cold for mosquitoes now. “It’s fine. Annoying, but what are you gonna do?”
“Not much, I suppose. How was your flight today?”
“Fucking awesome.”
Diego chuckled. He leaned sideways, nudging me with his shoulder. “Damn glad you’re in the air again.”
“Did you have to bring up Cammi tonight?” I asked, surprising myself with my question.
He chuckled again. Although I couldn’t see his eyes in the darkness, I knew there was a slight gleam contained in them. “Might as well go ahead and face the music. I think Cammi will be good for you.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Aside from her world-class coffee, she’s a sunny person. You could use a little of that. Plus, you’re worth someone like her.”
I heard Diego’s words, but it felt as if my own doubts were charging at me, ready to trample over his voice. He said it with such faith.