34. Skylar
Chapter Thirty-Four
SKYLAR
Against my better judgment, Tucker stayed with me for another three nights. That seemed to be our rhythm. I suppose everything came in threes. In our case, we fell into a pattern of spending three nights together followed by three nights apart.
It was almost a joke, and we didn’t talk about it. By silent agreement, it was as if we had decided that meant we weren’t being stupid about us.
I didn’t know what he felt. I knew I was being stupid. That old familiar feeling, that desperation for someone to love me, was starting to build inside. All the while, I kept trying to tell myself I didn’t need to let myself go there.
After a third night apart, I went to a yoga class at the lodge because Daphne invited me.
I’d fallen into the habit anyway, so it wasn’t unusual, or that was what I told myself.
I expected that Tucker expected me to be there at this point.
But he wasn’t in class that night. I told myself not to wonder about it, yet a funny feeling started to spin inside my belly.
Uneasiness tangled with so many doubts and so much uncertainty. If I was certain about one thing in life, it was that I would be abandoned. I would not be wanted.
I told myself it wouldn’t matter if we didn’t have three more nights together. We would be friends, and it would be fine.
If my heart were a container, it had been punctured and was leaking blood, doubt, and the bitter acid of regret for letting myself be so stupid.
After dinner, Daphne smiled over at me. “I’m not sure where Tucker is tonight. Do you know?”
Shaking my head, I hoped she couldn’t sense my internal turmoil. “Well, I’ll find out,” she said firmly.
I managed to smile at that. “Tucker and I are just friends.”
My heart didn’t think we were, but I thought that was technically the truth.
I drove home later and thought about texting him but decided against it. What would I say?
Where are you? It’s been three nights apart. We’re now supposed to start three nights together.
It all just felt ridiculous, and we didn’t have these conversations. That was the silent agreement we’d made.
I had a restless night of sleep, which wasn’t unusual. Most of my life had been shitty nights of sleep. Living with uncertainty was part of that, at least in my world.
The following morning, I decided to go to Red Truck Coffee.
I told myself I wasn’t expecting to see Tucker there, that I stopped there anyway because it was on the way to work.
Maybe that was splitting hairs, but those were all the things I told myself until I got in line and felt the hairs on the back of my neck rise when I heard a vehicle turn into the parking area.
It’s just tires on gravel , I told myself. It’s not Tucker. It could be anybody.
The coffee truck was busy. I was at the back of the line, and five people were in front of me. I wouldn’t even let myself look at all until the very last second when I glanced over my shoulder, all casual-like, and there he was.
Tucker smiled, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. When he said, “Good morning,” he sounded normal, but I sensed something was off.
“Good morning.”
“Sorry I missed yoga class last night,” he offered.
“I didn’t expect you to be there.” I didn’t. I really didn’t. Lying to myself was an effective coping strategy, even if it wasn’t healthy.
His brows hitched incrementally at that reply. “I’ll be there next week,” he added.
“I’m not sure if I’ll be there.”
“Daphne invites you every week now,” he countered.
We weren’t quite arguing, but it sort of felt like it. All over a stupid yoga class.
I mentally decided I probably wouldn’t go to yoga out at the lodge next week. I needed this thing with Tucker and me to stay compartmentalized. Maybe if he showed up tonight or texted about stopping by, I might be busy. That would be a lie, but still, it was the best thing for both of us.
He commented on the weather and asked if I was going to work. Of course, I said yes because I was. I insisted on getting his coffee. I reminded him I owed him one, and he didn’t argue. When we parted, he didn’t surprise me with a kiss. I told myself I wasn’t disappointed. Not even a tiny bit.