26. Harley
Chapter Twenty-Six
HARLEY
“You had one episode where you passed out and another when your heart started racing?” Quinn asked.
“Yeah, I was angry,” I offered with a shrug.
He arched a brow.
“What? I get angry sometimes. Doesn't everyone?”
“Definitely,” he agreed.
“But you strike me as the easygoing type,” I said.
The minute I said that, I thought of Grant, who was easygoing. Quinn chuckled.
“Heightened emotions do affect the heart. Are you still going to yoga?”
“Gemma does a class out at the lodge with us. I also usually go once or twice a week in town.”
“Good.”
“I get that yoga can help me, but how will it help with this?”
Quinn nodded. “Learning to use your breathing to slow down your heart rate is very important.
In one of my anatomy classes, a professor said that your lungs and heart are tied together.
What one does, the other will follow. You can't consciously bring your heart rate under your control, but you can with your breathing.
Use it. It's your friend, and yoga can help with that.”
I wrinkled my nose. “if you say so,” I teased.
Quinn didn’t tease in return. “Getting emotional can affect your pulse. It would be good if you could learn to notice that and slow it down.”
“Well, I did sit down, and I breathed,” I said, feeling defensive about my breathing and getting angry.
Quinn tapped on a few computer keys. “I'm not saying any of this to be judgmental. Most people get mad. I know you're feeling frustrated that you have to deal with this.”
“Well, I am. I'm healthy, and I'm young.”
“I can't keep you young, but I can help you stay healthy. I've adjusted the dose. We’ll make sure the prescription is sent to the pharmacy. You should be able to pick it up this afternoon.”
“Thank you,” I forced myself to grind out.
It wasn't Quinn's fault that I sort of blamed him for the situation. But then, I also blamed my last doctor. I was definitely blaming the messenger.
Quinn smiled as I stood. “Please schedule with the receptionist on your way out. I want to see you next month unless something comes up again.”
After I left, it felt as if the universe was out to pile on my day. Diego called while I was driving home. I was on autopilot and just tapped the screen on my dash to answer when I saw his name.
“Hey, hey,” he said. “Just checking in. I heard from Daphne you had an episode.”
“I'm fine,” I ground out. “I just left an appointment with Quinn. He's adjusted my medication. I'm fine.” I was so freaking sick of everyone worrying about me.
“I'm your brother. Wouldn’t you want to know how I was doing if I had something going on?”
“Yeah, but it's annoying,” I replied honestly.
“Well, deal with it. How are things going with Grant?”
“They're not going,” I said flatly.
“Hey, you okay?”
“I've had better days.” I was feeling crispy on all my edges.
After I got home that evening, under the guise of pretending everything was fine, I had dinner at the lodge. Grant and I did a fantastic job of ignoring each other while conversing with everyone else. It made me tired. I didn't want to admit it, but I missed him.
Only one night without him, and I missed him. The feeling poked at me, little sharp stinging barbs of vulnerability. It was already too much.
I felt so stupid that I’d ever thought this wouldn't get complicated. Fuck my life. It was a big fat mess. The best thing was to stop it in its tracks. We’d have to muddle through this part of it.
I left almost immediately after dinner, claiming I had work to do. The upside to my work was that I could always do something. I hopped online and fiddled around with graphics.
After the third night of Grant and I going through this routine of ignoring each other, I got up in the morning expecting to see him.
I didn't want to admit I knew his schedule, but I did.
Cat was in the kitchen at the staff house.
She took two mornings off from baking, giving Daphne the same in return.
“Hey,” she said. She was sitting on the couch with a cup of coffee in hand and wearing an old pair of sweatpants with a big fleece top that looked soft and comfy.
“Hey.” I went into the kitchen and poured myself a cup of coffee. “Thanks for making coffee,” I said as I returned to the living room and took a swallow.
“Sure,” she replied. “How come you haven't asked where Grant is?”
“Should I be asking?” I countered.
Cat rolled her eyes. “You two have been doing an excellent job of ignoring the hell out of each other for the past couple of days.”
“No, we haven’t.”
She rolled her eyes. “If you think you two tiptoeing around at night isn't obvious, then you're more na?ve than I am.”
I felt the heat flash into my cheeks. I took a swallow of coffee to gather my composure before replying, “Whatever. It's not like we're in a relationship.”
Cat studied me quietly. “He really likes you.”
“I don't think so. He's pissed off because I didn't tell him I had that episode in the hallway. He heard about it from Daphne.”
She eyed me over the rim of her coffee mug before draining it and setting it on the coffee table.
“You know, sometimes people just worry about each other when they care,” she said pointedly.
“It’s not like I expect you to report to me, but until the past few nights, you’ve spent every night together. ”
“I would have told him,” I muttered. Defensiveness grumbled inside.
“You know he’s pretty sensitive about health stuff.”
“Why?” I pressed even though I knew the answer.
“To this day, I think he feels bad he wasn’t here with us when our mom died. He drove home that night, but it was too late. He cares a little bit more than maybe the average person. It might kind of be a thing for him.”
I couldn’t believe I was getting a lecture from Grant’s little sister, and I hated the sharp pangs of guilt I was experiencing. “If it happens again, I’ll tell him.”
“What’s the deal with you all anyway?”
“Well, he’s been mad at me about that, so I guess we’re taking a break.”
“The timing’s good, I suppose,” she replied.
“What do you mean?”
Her brows hitched up. “Oh, he’s gone for two weeks.”
It felt as if I was abruptly falling from a great height.
“You didn’t know?” she pressed.
“Uh, no. We haven’t been talking,” I mumbled. I took a quick sip of my coffee, the bitterness matching my mood.
“He’s on a two-week tourist-guided trip. Elias was going to do it, but Grant offered when something came up for Elias.”
“Oh.” I didn't want to even admit how bereft I felt.
“I guess you would have liked to have known, huh?”
I tried to shrug and be nonchalant, but I couldn't even pull it off.
Cat eyed me with sympathy in her gaze. “He'll be gone for two weeks. Maybe that’s enough time for you two to sort out your feelings.”
“Forced break aside, I see your point. I should have said something. I just, well…” After I stumbled on my words, I blurted out the truth. “I'm still adjusting to having this. I don't like to feel weak.”
“I get it. I don't either. I'm the youngest in my family, and everyone else is tough. Even Nora.” She rolled her eyes. “Back to Grant. He really likes you. Not like the girls he just has his little nights with.”
I didn't even want to think about that. The idea of Grant being with someone else right now elicited a pang of jealousy. I hadn't even felt jealous when I caught my last boyfriend screwing my roommate. I’d been more upset with her than my boyfriend.
“I'll talk to him when he gets back. There's probably no way to reach him.”
“Hmm.” Cat shrugged. “You'd have to ask Nora if there’s a way to radio him. Don't be stupid,” she said as she stood. “I like to think you're smarter than me, and here I am lecturing you on your relationship with Grant.” She chuckled as she shook her head.
“I appreciate your perspective,” I finally managed.
She laughed. “Well, have a good day. I'm hanging out here. If I go over to the lodge, I'll want to help.”
“Makes sense. How's your play going?”
“Great.”
“When are the performances?”
“Three weeks. I'm super nervous, but I'm also excited.”
I grinned. “I think it's cool.”
“I've never done anything like this, so I hope it goes okay. Everybody has to start somewhere.”