One
ONE
13 YEARS LATER
My stomach growls with anger as I push on into the fifth hour of my drive. I’m so close to where I need to be that I just can’t stop now. That cup of coffee and bagel from the hotel buffet didn’t quite fill me up. And the five fitful hours of sleep I got after driving for six hours into the middle of the night is really starting to wreak havoc on my clarity.
It was close to midnight when I stopped at the twenty-four hour super gas station that is more of like a mini Wal-Mart with a restaurant and bakery that, oh yeah, sells gas. My body was aching from having my butt in a seat and my foot on the peddle after hauling ass away from home.
It was all just too much. I had to get out of there. My chest felt like it was caving in when I overheard my parents talking, and I just had to leave.
“ Are you kidding me? They said that? God Vaughan. I am so tired of their shit. I know they’re her grandparents but they’re disgusting human beings who protected a rapist.” Mom’s voice was laced with anger and sorrow and I couldn’t understand what she was talking about.
I crept closer still, eavesdropping on their conversation. My Mom –stepmom, actually– and Dad sat close and looked worried as I peeked through the slit in the door.
“They said that if I didn’t convince her to take the internship at Derek’s firm they would tell her that I was divorcing Steph because I was cheating on her.” Dad said to her, and I realized they were talking about my grandfather and my late mother, Stephanie.
“Lemme guess. Was I the person you were supposedly cheating with?” I watched Dad nod his head from where I continued to watch. “I fucking hate them. I can’t even sugar coat it. I hate them with a passion. How dare they threaten you with such lies. And the internship is up to Day. She’s not even studying pre-law. Why in the hell would they think that a marketing major would want to work at a law firm? Did you tell them CeCe already has an internship set up for her with the Wranglers?”
I was shocked to hear that Aunt CeCe had gotten me an internship with the Wranglers because it was the first I had heard about. I was excited as hell, but in that moment there was something that was stealing my joy.
Mom continued on. “I know this is a moot point and I am not in any way placing any blame on you, but I wish you would’ve reported Steph. Even if it didn’t result in anything, at least what she did to you would be documented. That would give us some leverage against them.”
I grew more and more confused with every word that spilled from mom’s mouth and even more so when dad spoke.
“I know, Cam. I can’t tell you how many times I wished I could go back in time and stand up to Derek. I was so afraid that they’d take Day away from me that I couldn’t bring myself to tell the police what she did. Even if it did result in people not believing me, at least I would’ve been free of Steph and her parents.”
Dad sat in a chair with mom in his lap, her fingers combing through his hair, trying to ease the tension on his face. “I hate that you’re stuck with them in yours and Dagen’s life. They’re horrible people. They are the parents of a rapist and complicit in her activities. They knew what she did, they protected her, and they sentenced you to a life of misery. I hate having to hold my tongue when they call. The only thing that I am grateful for is that our sweet girl doesn’t know any of this. I don’t want to shatter her memories of Steph, even if I do think that woman doesn’t deserve the amazing young lady she birthed.”
It was those final words from mom that had me pushing through their door. “What are you talking about?” I asked them.
They both scrambled to explain and ask what I had just heard. “Sweetheart. How long…how much of our conversation did you hear?” Mom asked me with pure panic in her voice.
“Enough to want to know why you’re calling Steph a rapist and claiming my grandparents are threatening you.” My words had mom practically passing out, but dad caught her before she could hit the ground.
They tried telling me I didn’t hear what I thought, but when I screeched, demanding they tell me the truth, the story they told me knocked the breath out of me.
“Day, I’m going to preface this by saying you are my greatest gift. Our gift.” Dad approached me like I was a cornered animal. “I can’t imagine my life without you, so please remember that when you hear what I’m about to tell you. So, when I moved to Florida for school, Cam and I had been together for almost four years and we decided we would work through a long distance relationship. It was very difficult for me because while mom was here with Aunt Cat, Uncle Bish, Aunt CeCe and Aunt Viv, I was basically all alone. I befriended a girl who I thought understood that I was committed to Cami. But I guess my words weren’t what she wanted to hear and one night…”
I grow sick thinking of my dad being drugged by a woman he thought was a friend, then essentially raped because she knew he would never leave Cami. Mom…my step-mom. What sent me over the edge was knowing that for eight years, dad lived with the woman who violated him and had me as a result. He was so afraid of losing me that he chose to tolerate a life of misery with her rather than live without me.
The perfect image of my mother I’ve held on to for thirteen years was shattered in a matter of minutes. The mother I sat next to, watching her take her last breath, was a lie. My memories of her were all tainted as was I.
I’m the product of an assault, and the evil that was Stephanie lives in me.
I grew dizzy and nauseous, and I just wanted it all to stop. “Stop. Please. Just…stop.”
Mom sat down next to me and took my hand in hers, squeezing it three times to let me know she was there. “Honey, we never wanted you to find out about this. Dad made a decision many years ago to be there for you, and together we decided that the manner in which you were created was not something we felt we needed to share with you. The fact that you are here with us is all that matters. We love you with all our hearts and I’m sure your mom did, too.”
How could she say that? Of course it mattered.
“Dad! She drugged you and took advantage of your unconscious state. If she was a man, she’d be behind bars. And you-you never reported her? Why? I don’t…”
My heart was pounding in my ears and I needed air. I could feel my lungs tightening, and then something even worse crossed my mind.
“Did you even want me, Dad? I mean…how could you?”
He looked at me with unshed tears and his voice shook when he said, “Dagen. Of course I did. I figured…I figured that mo-Cami and I would get back together and we would work to raise you as best we could with Steph. But things didn’t happen that way and there was no way that I could live without you. No way.”
Tears began rushing over my lids and I just wanted to scream. “You should’ve told me. I had the right to know! All these years you let me believe that Steph was a loving mother.”
“She was, Day. She loved you. Believe me. That is the one thing I know for sure.” How could he defend her? After everything she did to him, he still tried to convince me she loved me.
“No, people with a conscience and good heart don’t ra–don’t do that. She was sick. And now that sickness lives in me.” I finally reached my breaking point as I tugged at my hair. “ I need to get outta here.”
I sprinted from their bedroom, my feet barely touching the steps as I ran down them, all while Mom and Dad shouted my name behind me. I ran into the garage and grabbed the first set of keys my hand touched and clicked the fob. The lights to Mom’s BMW flashed, and I jumped in without a second thought. The tires screeched as I slammed my foot on the gas in reverse, and it fishtailed over the gravel when I threw it into drive and sped off.
I looked in the rearview to see Dad running after me. But the faster I drove, the smaller he grew until he was out of sight completely. I had no idea where I was going, only that I had to get as far away as I could. If I could have jumped out of myself and left me behind, I would have run to the moon to escape.
Now it’s midday twenty-four hours later and I’m so close to the home of the people I once called grandparents. But they are no grandparents of mine. In my eyes, they’re barely human. They’re monsters who bred an evil disease and I am an extension of that evil.
I let every call that came in go straight to my voicemail for the first two hours until it was full. Mom and Dad called more times than I could count. In between those calls, a barrage of texts from Mara, Sami, Jenelle and Lizzie had my phone pinging so much, I had to turn it on silent.
Yes, I left my friends without a word. minute we’re enjoying a day at my parent’s house, and the next I’m driving off to somewhere unknown. But I couldn’t deal with them while I battled the thoughts in my head.
When they seemed to be failing at getting through to me, they called in reinforcements. First to call was Aunt Viv. I guess they thought that her fiery attitude and persistence would have me breaking. But when that didn’t happen, her call was followed by Uncle Nix. Nice try, but he was a softie and he’d probably ask if I needed any money or a plane to get me where I was going.
After that, it was like they just went down the list. Aunt Cat, Aunt CeCe, Gran and Pops, Zio Luca and Uncle Hayes. They even stooped so low as to have Abuelo Juan and Mamita Alma call me. What almost had me breaking was when Forrest and Emily’s name popped up on the screen. They weren’t related to me in any way but because they loved Cami so much, they became a fixture in my life, too.
Forrest and Emily are the parents of Mom’s first husband, Robbie, who died many years ago. It was his death that had Mom coming back home to her family and friends, and eventually me and dad. Mom told me that Robbie was Forrest and Emily’s only child and they felt like they were losing a daughter when they lost him. But here heart is so big that she could never shut them out as if they didn’t exist. Everyone welcomed them as part of the motley crew of a family that had only grown over the years.
Hence the reason for so many phone calls from people who weren’t really blood related, but family all the same.
I finally caved when Uncle Bishop’s name and picture of him and I from his wedding lit up my screen. I closed my eyes and gripped the steering wheel tighter, and let the phone ring until the last second.
I tapped the phone icon on the steering wheel and took a deep breath.
“Hello?” My voice shook and if they could see me, they’d see sweat dripping down my face.
“Dagen Rayne. Where are you?” Uncle Bishop’s deep voice boomed through the speaker.
“I, uh, I’m just taking a drive,” I told him.
“And where are you taking this drive?”
I bit the inside of my cheek and said, “I’m just in Houston. At that park you used to take me to.”
“You know your mom and dad have GPS and can see where you are, don’t you?”
I whispered “shit” having forgotten about that. Then I asked him, “Well if y’all know where I am, why are you calling me?”
“Just because we know where you are doesn’t mean we know where you’re going.” I stayed quiet, the wheels in my head spinning. “So. Where are you going, Day?”
“Would you believe me if I said I didn’t know?” I asked him.
“Yeah,” he replied. “Although, deep down, I think you know exactly where you’re going.”
He was right. If I could just admit it to myself, I’d be brave enough to answer the phone when Mom and Dad called. But I wasn’t ready to face the truth.
“Give me the phone,” I heard in the background and knew I was in for a talking to.
I looked at a sign on the side of the highway and saw that there was a rest stop up ahead. I switched lanes and decided to make a small detour.
“Day. What are you doing?” Anais, a woman who was my aunt but really more like a sister, was now taking over guilt trip duties.
Anais was only six years older than me and married to Uncle Bishop…who’s twelve years older than her. And she’s also the niece of his and Dad’s best friend, Uncle Phoenix, AKA Nix. AKA, Aunt Viv’s husband. AKA, ex-MLB pitcher and one of the best to ever play the game.
When Uncle Nix found out Uncle Bishop and Anais were together, it was almost the end of our family. It was months that I went without seeing Uncle Bish and it was pure torture, for me and my parents. Mom and Dad cried a lot during that time, but they also felt stuck in the middle of their friends who had chosen sides. It hurt like hell to have a piece of our family missing.
Uncle Nix and Uncle Bishop eventually made up as did he and Aunt Viv and Anais, but it took a bit before everything was back to the way it should have always been. Now, you’d never know there was a huge rift that almost tore the Mag Creek crew apart.
“I really don’t know, Ana,” I answered, truthfully. “I’m so pissed at them. How could they hide that from me?”
The tears began to fall again but this time they were hot and angry.
“Day. Be serious. Do you really think your mom and dad would burden you with something that heavy when you were so young?”
“Well what’s their excuse for not telling me once I was old enough to understand?”
“I can’t say exactly, but I do know a parent will do anything to protect their child. Your parents love you so much, Dagen. I have no doubt that they did what they thought was best.”
I pulled into the rest stop and parked under a bright lamp . “When did you find out?”
“Well I knew your mom had died when you were young and that your dad’s relationship with her wasn’t a good one. But it was probably the end of my freshman year at Rice when your mom, Camille, told me the truth about–”
“About how I’m the product of a rape?”
Her sigh was amplified in my quiet car.
“But now you are a product of pure love. You know what Cami once told me? She said that she despises the woman who brought you into this world for what she did to your dad. But then she said that as crazy as it sounds, she was also grateful. She said that it didn’t take knowing you for very long to realize that you were always meant to be her daughter.” I felt a lump in my throat clog the sob that so desperately wanted to break free. “You are so loved, Dagen. Your story may have started as a tragedy, but it has been filled with nothing but love and laughter ever since. You have to understand that your family did what they thought was right to protect you. Be angry. Yell, scream, kick something. But when you’re done and you remember what a selfless, loving family you have, be an adult and get your ass back home and apologize to your parents for making them worry.”
It was a tough pill to swallow, but she was right. From the first memory I can recall, I have never felt anything but love. Dad, Steph, Mom, all my grandparents, aunts and uncles. Even to this very day with all the cousins who look up to me like I’m some great superstar and treat me like one, there has never been a moment where I doubted their affection. But is it all overkill because they know how I came to be? Are they simply making up for the fact that I now carry an evil that I wish would have died with Stephanie?
My stomach roils and I swallow down the bitter bile that rises in my throat. My eyes begin to grow weary and my heart hurts like never before. Not when Steph died, not when I thought Mom and Dad broke up, not even when Dad was in his horrible accident. This right here, knowing who my birth mom really is, is a pain like no other.
I make a left turn onto a quiet street, one you’d find in anytown, USA, and pull to a stop in front of the cream and coral colored house with palm trees in the front yard. Its manicured lawn is envious with its tropical flowers and hedges, and the large entryway gives that awe effect.
I turn off the engine and slowly slide out of the driver's seat, then inch my way to the front door. Taking a deep breath, I press the doorbell. I can hear the chime echo in the house and I wait for the blurry image to appear behind the obscured glass door.
The locks click and the door swings open, and a gray haired woman with a large smile stands at the threshold.
“Oh Dagen. What a surprise. Oh my goodness, I can hardly believe my eyes. Derek! Your grand-daughter is here.” She reaches out to hug me and I step back, holding my hand in front of me.
“Don’t touch me,” I hiss and her face scrunches in confusion. “You make me sick. How could you?”
“Dagen?” a deep voice calls as Derek walks up behind Susan. “Don’t talk to your grandmother that way.”
“She’s no grandmother of mine. And you’re no grandfather. You’re sick, twisted people who raised a vile human being.”
“Now you stop it, young lady. I will not have you coming to my home and speaking to us that way.” His voice grows stern with warning as if I’d be afraid of him.
My hands ball into fists and I feel the rage begin to work its way up my body. “You raised a rapist and helped cover up her disgusting behavior and sentenced my Dad to misery. You two should be in jail and if Stephanie were alive, I’d help throw her in there too.”
“That’s it!” Derek yells as Susan begins to cry. “What lies have they fed you? That horrible woman who your–”
“That my Dad cheated with? Yeah. Nice try but I know that’s a lie. And they have fed me no lies. In fact, it wasn’t until I overheard them talking about how you were going to tell me Dad cheated on Stephanie with Mom unless they convinced me to come down here for the summer that I finally learned the truth. They’ve done everything to protect me. To protect her , and all you’ve done is lie to me. My entire life.”
“That is absolutely false. I knew that man would try to brainwash you against your mother. He did that their entire marriage. And I told Stephanie she should leave him, but he wouldn’t go,” Derek tries to defend.
I scoff. “Really? So then who was that man that mom would always take me to see? The one that we had to keep our little secret. The one that came to see her on the day she died?” Their mouths work to find a lie, but I guess they’ve run all out of shit to spew. “I hate you. I will never forgive you for what you did, and I’m glad she’s dead because if she wasn’t, I’d want to choke her myself just to watch the life drain out of her evil eyes.”
A hand collides with my face in a loud thwack and it burns. I look at Susan who gasps and holds her hand over mouth.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that,” she says, her voice shaking.
I take two more steps back and glare at them. “That is the last time you will ever touch me. And this is the last time you will ever see me. I never want to hear from you again. You are both dead to me. When you die, I hope you rot in hell like your horrible daughter.”
My feet move quicker to get me away from them.
Derek shouts my name and I spin, running to my car. The second time in as many days that I find myself running from my problems. I jump in the driver’s seat and stab at the ignition button like it’s done me wrong. There’s a pounding on my windows and I look over to see Susan standing there with tears rushing over her lids and her lips trembling.
I roll it down and she pleads, “Dagen Rayne. Please just come inside so we can talk. I don’t want you to leave like this.”
I shake my head slowly and explain, “The time to talk was twenty-one years ago when you found out what your daughter had done. The time to talk was twenty-one years ago when a nineteen year old boy was scared out of his mind that he’d lose the child he never wanted with a woman he hated. There’s nothing left to say except goodbye. Don’t ever call me again. You’ll never see or hear from me, and I don’t ever want to hear from you. Try repenting in this life so that maybe you have a chance to go to a better place when your time's up on earth. I can assure you that your daughter won’t be there to greet you, but maybe you can gain some forgiveness from God because you’ll never have mine.”
I roll the window up and watch her grab at her chest as she continues to cry. I look back once more at the grandparents I thought I knew, then bury their memory deep, never to be mourned or thought of again.