Thirty-Nine
THIRTY-NINE
I open my eyes to bright light pouring in from outside and the smell of lavender fills my lungs. Dagen, my whole world, lays wrapped in my arms as early morning is upon us. We stayed the night in the small cottage that is attached to the barn on the McCallan property. It was a debate I didn’t think Dagen would win. But Vaughan finally caved after realizing that I had driven all the way from Cattywump Bay to meet Dagen for her first OB/GYN appointment today. She was already nervous and an argument with him was just adding to it.
“Hendrix, you can take the room you had last time. Dagen you know where your room is.” The night sky was dark as Vaughan rattled off instructions for our sleeping arrangements.
“Dad. Come on. That’s ridiculous. Hendrix will sleep with me in my room.”
“Like hell he will, Dagen Rayne.” Vaughan’s anger was slowly rising.
It seems like all Vaughan is around me is angry. Dagen has told me many times how affectionate and loving he is, but apparently I bring out a different side of him. Yay for me.
“It’s not like you have to worry about anything. I’m already pregnant so he can’t do that anymore.”
“Jesus Christ,” I mumbled.
That was definitely not the right way to go about the situation.
“This is my house, and what I say goes. Period. End of discussion.”
“Fine. Then maybe I’ll find my own house. Then I won’t have to deal with you.” Dagen crossed her arms over her chest and dug her foot in.
I had to say something. I was tired of being the strain between them. It was too much and I couldn’t allow it to go on anymore.
“I think I’ll just go to a hotel room and stay there. I can see that my presence is the root of all of these problems, and I don’t want to cause any more stress on either of you. Most especially Dagen. I apologize.” I grabbed my phone from my back pocket to search for a nearby hotel when Camille spoke up in a way that shocked everyone.
“No one is going anywhere! This ends now, Vaughan. I’m at my fucking breaking point with you. Dagen is an adult and you cannot continue to hold your thumb on her. She’s having a baby, and you have to face the fact that she’s not a little girl. Hendrix is a good man. He didn’t have to stick around after finding out the woman he’s known for a handful of weeks is pregnant. But he’s here and he’s done nothing but show support for the child you say you love. You either get your head and your heart right, or you’re going to lose her. I will not lose my daughter because of your stubbornness, Vaughan.” She turned to us with a sudden compassionate look in her eyes. “Hendrix. Dagen. You two can take the barn cottage. I hope you’ll be comfortable there.”
Vaughan’s eyes were wide and somewhat frightened to be honest. Camille walked past him, bumping him hard as she did, and hugged Dagen with a strength only a mother possesses. She hugged me with the same affection and this time, I welcomed it.
She bore fire into Vaughan as she stomped out of the room and up the stairs.
Dagen cried herself to sleep and my worry about her mental and physical state grows a little more each day.
She’s exhausted and I don’t want to interrupt her sleep, so I carefully slide out from under her and pad quietly into the kitchen. I need some caffeine to ward off the headache that is lingering behind my eyes, so I search the cabinets for coffee. Finding some, I pop in a pod to brew and take a second one for Dagen. Then I realize that she can’t have coffee. I look for juice or tea or anything she may want when she wakes up, but the fridge is barren of anything of the sort.
I spot the time on the microwave and see that the McCallan household is most likely awake and in full chaos with the kids. Slipping on my clothes and shoes, I abandon my coffee in search of something for Dagen.
The day is already warm and a slight fog hangs over the ranch. The property is expansive and in the morning sun, it looks picturesque. I understand why Dagen loves it so much. Her happy place is here, and I hate that soon I will be tearing her away.
Through the backdoor I see Sloane walking around in his underwear holding a small guitar and strumming it. From the look on Vaughan’s face, it seems he’s not doing so well. AJ sits at the table, swinging her feet and bopping her head like her brother is giving her a private concert. Her hair is a mess with tangles and she shovels sliced bananas in her mouth.
I watch the two kids, wondering if ours will be like them. Wild and carefree, loving and intelligent. My eyes focus on AJ, my heart feeling a special connection with her, and it tells me that’s what I’m in store for.
I rap my hand softly on the glass and three sets of eyes look at me. AJ begins clapping her hands and Sloane comes running.
He pushes the door open and smiles up at me. “Were you in the barn?”
I ruffle his hair and laugh. “Yup. Slept with the horses. It’s pretty comfortable in there.”
He laughs, shaking his head. “You’re silly. It’s stinky, not comfortable.”
“Chicken!” AJ’s little voice calls from the table and her arms raise in a V, one hand full of mushed banana.
Walking over to her, I squat down to eye level with her and wink. “You’re the one that looks like a chicken this morning with all of that crazy hair.”
She shoves her banana in her mouth then throws her arms around me, no doubt leaving behind remnants of it on my shirt.
“Autumn Jade. You just wiped your sticky hands all over Hendrix. Let go, little missy.” Camille runs a towel under the faucet and makes her way over to us.
“Eh. It’s okay. Definitely worth it for an AJ hug.” I stand to let Camille wipe her hands and take a couple steps back.
“Good morning, Mr. McCallan.” I’ve decided the familiarity of calling him Vaughan is over and go back to addressing him as I would a business associate.
“Mornin’.” His face is riddled with guilt and I’m thinking Camille continued with the tongue lashing after we went to bed.
“Camille. Do you have juice or tea that I can take to Dagen? She’s still sleeping but since she can’t have coffee, I thought she’d want something to help her get going.”
She smiles wide at me as she tosses the napkin in the trash.
“I have some decaf coffee she can have. I’ll make her a cup of that and pour a glass of juice.”
“And a ‘nana,” AJ adds.
“And a banana. She loves those, doesn’t she.” AJ nods with a big grin on her face.
“Thank you, Camille.” I stand awkwardly, waiting for her coffee to brew.
I shove my hands in my pockets and stare down at my feet. I feel like I should say something, but I’m out of words and apologies to say to Vaughan. The only thing left to apologize for is simply existing.
“Hendrix,” he calls over to me. “Do you think I can speak with you a little later? After you’ve finished your coffee?”
I gulp and feel thankful that my hands are in my pockets, otherwise he’d see how much they tremble. “Yeah. Absolutely.”
One corner of his mouth lifts and he gives me a slight dip of his chin.
If that man packs his gun with him, I know his talk will be the last one before he drops me in a deep hole.
“Here you go.” Camille breaks me from my contemplation over whether I’d rather see the bullet coming or close my eyes, and hands me a tray. “You two take your time. No rush. Dagen’s appointment isn’t until two.”
I look down at the tray with a glass or orange juice, a cup of coffee, two bananas, two bowls of strawberries and blueberries and two bagels. In that moment, I’m jealous of Dagen and her siblings, getting to grow up like this. A real mother who cares for all of their needs. By the time we landed with Miss Shirley, we were teenage boys who just wanted to be left alone. None of us ever had a mom or dad to fuss over us.
Camille opens the door for me and before I can step out, AJ shouts, “I go with Chicken and Day.”
“No, baby girl. Day is still sleeping. You’ll see her later.” Vaughan scoops her up and she pouts. “How about we go check on the horses?”
“Yes.”
“Let me get my shoes,” Sloane shouts.
“And clothes,” Camille adds.
I walk out and turn to both of them. “Thank you. I appreciate this.”
Camille smiles warmly, and squeezes my arm.
When I reach the cottage, I balance the tray and push the front door open. I’m greeted by the sounds of retching coming from the bedroom. I place the food down on the counter and quickly jog to the bathroom where I see Dagen hunched over the toilet.
I sit down next to her and begin smoothing circles on her back. “Are you okay, my little mouse?”
She nods, her head hanging into the bowl. “When will this stop?”
“I don’t know, baby, but the doctor will hopefully give us some answers today.”
Her back expands with a deep breath, and she reaches up to flush the toilet. I help her stand and run the water for her, letting her rinse her mouth. She grabs for her toothbrush but I stop her.
“Your mom sent juice and food. Do you want to try that before you brush? I read that sometimes brushing your teeth first thing in the morning can trigger vomiting. Maybe wait until after.”
Her bleary eyes examine me like I’m a stranger who has burst in.
“You read that?” she asks and I nod. “Have you been…have you been reading about what to expect?”
Embarrassed, I admit, “Yeah. I want to be able to help you. I have no clue what being a parent or a partner looks like, so it’s kind of like parenting for dummies. Gotta start somewhere.”
She smiles and places her hand on my chest where her tattoo is etched and one teardrop falls over her lid.
“No crying,” I remind her, wiping away the errant tear.
“I can’t help it. This baby makes me cry one minute and then the next, I’m cranky and tired.”
I pull her to me and she snuggles into my arms. Kissing the top of her head only makes her cry harder. My poor girl is a wound up ball of emotions. I hope that whatever talk Vaughan wants to have will help.
Or it could make it worse if he cracks me over the head with the shovel.
After we ate, Dagen only picking at her food, I showered and sat on the couch waiting for doom to come knocking. Dagen is laying with her head in my lap and I comb my fingers through her hair. I can tell she’s falling asleep so I keep the television low.
I hear the tapping of knuckles on the door. Dagen begins to sit up but I hush her.
“Just lay down. I’ll be back soon. You should take a nap. We have a big afternoon ahead of us.” She nods silently and I slide a pillow under her head as I slip out from under her.
She immediately closes her eyes and I place the blanket on the back of the sofa over her and kiss her cheek. Inhaling and exhaling with a puff of air, I open the door.
“Hey,” Vaughan greets. “Ready?”
“Yeah. Dagen is taking a nap so it’s a good time.” I quietly close the door behind me and turn to spot a golf cart sitting in front of us.
Yup. This is it. He’s driving me to my resting spot. I should have sent a goodbye text to my brothers and Miss Shirley.
Vaughan sits in the driver's seat and I climb into mine with hesitation.
“I want to show you something,” he tells me, and begins driving.
We’re silent as he takes me across the property. Wide fields lead into a wooded area where I see some animals scurrying into. We drive past a small creek and circle back around, stopping at a large magnolia tree where a bench sits.
I don’t see any large holes around, so I figure he’s going to let me have a minute before I go.
“Why don’t we sit on the bench,” he suggests, pointing to it.
I clamber out of my seat and walk with heavy steps to the bench. When I get closer, I see a plaque with a name on it. I squint to make out what it says, but I don’t have to wonder for long.
“Robert Stevens,” Vaughan says. “That was Cami’s first husband.”
My face is pure shock when I look at him. At no time did Dagen tell me her mom was married before. I knew that Camille and Vaughan dated in high school and that her birth mother is the reason why they broke up. But she never told me that her mom was married previously, or that Vaughan most likely took him out, and now I’m going to meet the same fate.
Vaughan sits as do I, leaving plenty of space between us.
“Robbie died almost ten years ago. He, uh, he ended his life after battling deep depression. When Cami and I got back together, I made this bench for her after she spread his ashes here.”
My jaw drops. I have no words and barely thoughts at this point.
“It was something I knew she needed. Every once in a while, I’ll find her out here just talking about me and the kids, or simply sitting in silence. I never want her to forget him. He took care of her until we could find our way back to one another, and I’m grateful for that.”
“Is Slo…did they ever have any…” Vaughan shakes his head, understanding the question I can’t seem to get out.
“No. They never had any children. Cami said Robbie always made excuses as to why they should wait. She finally came to the conclusion that it was because he wouldn’t be here to help raise them. I think it was because he was worried about passing on whatever problems he had to a child. I guess we’ll just never know.”
I look at the large tree and stare at the roots that protrude from the grass.
“But that’s not what I wanted to bring you out here to talk about. I want to…” he pauses and closes his eyes. “I want to say I’m sorry. After a long talk with Camille –and by talk I mean she scolded me and I listened– she made me see what a first class asshole I was being.”
I fold my hands together, handing them between my spread legs, a stare down at my shoes.
“I never meant for any of this to happen. I hope you know that,” I explain.
“I believe that. Really.”
“It’s just…have you ever wanted something so much even though you know it would bring heartache?”
He looks at me with a slight grin. “Yeah. I do. As far as what you’re talking about, no one can relate better than Bishop and Anais. They fought their feelings knowing what trouble would follow with their relationship, but love doesn’t always listen to rationality.”
“I’ve never felt anything so strong as I do for Dagen. No one has ever brought such peace into my life and I feel like, if I don’t hold onto it with both hands, I’ll never feel it again. We may not have planned this but now that it’s here, I won’t let anything steal it away.”
“Now that I understand. More than most.”
We both sit in shared silence, realizing we’re more alike than either of us ever thought.
“All I ask is that you’re a good man to my little girl and a good dad to my grandchild. Holy fuck, I’m going to be a grandfather.” He shakes his head as if the final piece just clicked into place.
I breathe out a small laugh, relating to the same shock.
“I promise to always take care of them. I may need a little help with the dad part since I never had one. Hopefully you can guide me. After all, you raised an amazing daughter. That big heart came from somewhere.”
His eyes glisten and he blinks it away as he places his hand on my shoulder and pats it.
“Deal.” He suddenly seems lighter and maybe more like the man Dagen has told me about. “We better get back before Dagen thinks I buried you here.”
Boy, if he only knew how true I thought that was.