16. Maxwell
Maxwell
Iwoke up this morning and saw the world in a different light.
Not so black anymore, not so sad and down, but light seeping back in.
I hate to admit that beating the shit out of Maverick is what helped me.
It wasn’t the unlimited orgasms I found in random girls or the liquor or the marijuana or tobacco.
It was the raw violence. It put me right back into my childhood shoes.
A time when all I would do is use violence to cope.
I still think about Mav’s smile from last night, teeth showing and covered in blood, but he didn’t care. He was happy.
Now, it’s my turn to get my ass in gear and make myself happy.
Today is the planning day of Operation: Win Clayton Back.
No idea how I’m going to do that, but I have my pencil and paper ready to figure it out.
It’s been two hours and my notebook is blank. Stark white. No words. No ideas.
I decide to go against making any plans and going with the flow.
Closing the notebook and tucking it back onto the shelf where it goes, I leave my dorm and go two floors up to where Clayton’s is.
Knocking on the door, I wait with patience for him to answer.
I’m about to lift my hand to knock again when it opens.
“Hi,” I say.
“What do you need, Maxwell?”
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I broke your trust and that I betrayed you.
I never should have done that, but I did it.
I can’t go back and change what I did, but I can change what I do.
I’m sorry that I hurt you and that I ruined a good..
No, a great thing between us. When you were in the bathroom at the park, I was telling Mav and Dax that I wasn’t going along with it anymore. ”
The words are pouring out of me in quick spurts because I’m afraid if I don’t say it fast enough, he’s going to slam the door in my face.
“I thought it was going to be fine, that it wouldn’t mean anything to me, but it turned out it meant everything. That you mean everything. You’re the first guy I’ve ever liked, ever even thought of liking and I hadn’t known how true that was until I didn’t see you everyday.”
Clayton is staring at me, gripping the door with a tight fist, but he doesn’t say anything. He just lets me speak. I’m grateful for it.
“The last eight days have been hell. I’ve done shit I’m not proud of, used people in ways I probably shouldn’t have, smoked too much weed, too many cigarettes, but I did it all because I was drowning in my pain. My demons were too strong and I couldn’t win until I had to use violence.”
Clayton’s face turns sad at the truth, but I keep pushing through it.
“Remember when I was telling you how I would fight as a kid if something pissed me off or upset me? That was exactly what I had to do and it helped. It opened my eyes and I can see so clearly now. I know that I was wrong, I do, but I can’t change the past, Clayton. I can only change the future.”
“Thank you for apologizing and acknowledging what you did was not right. However, I still don’t forgive you or want to even look at you. Goodbye, Maxwell.” He doesn’t give me a chance to respond before he closes the door in my face. This time, I let him.