Chapter 4
4
L ies, lies, and more lies. Why had I given Finn a fake name in the first place? Okay, I knew why, but my reasons were looking increasingly flimsy the more I thought about them. When he’d initially called me, I’d been so panicked about my real self not stacking up to my online persona I’d thrown out the first name I could think of. When I was Erik or Viking, I wasn’t Leo. I could be a bit braver. I could manage to speak to my online friend on the phone like a normal person—whatever normal was. I could tell him things that Leo never could. It was like I was getting to speak to him from behind my online shield, even though we were talking on a phone with our real voices. And I knew his real name.
Somehow, it had never crossed my mind that he’d be a student at my university. The fact was, outside our online friendship, I spoke to a grand total of four people regularly and one semi-regularly—my dad, who was in Salisbury. I was in my own insular world, and the outside rarely penetrated.
Finn clearly had no idea it had been me at the rehearsal. And why would he? I’d told him I was doing a degree in computing, but I’d never told him I was also studying for a minor in dance. When he’d brought up the fact that he’d actually been at my rehearsal and noticed me freeze up onstage, I hadn’t been lying when I told him I felt sick. The nausea had been sudden and uncontrollable, and I’d spent a miserable few hours curled into a ball on my bed, breathing through waves of sickness and contemplating just how badly I’d fucked things up with the one person I’d ever connected with online. The person I thought I could call a friend, who’d probably never speak to me again when he found out the truth.
Why can’t I be normal? Why can’t I be like everyone else? What’s wrong with me?
A tear trickled down my cheek and I angrily wiped it away. Just to torture myself some more, I picked up my phone, reading back through the group chat with JJ and Alyssa I’d had two days ago, right after the dance rehearsal.
JJ:
So so proud of you today Leo. You pushed through the nerves and put on an amazing performance
Alyssa! I’m so proud of you too. You were fucking incredible
ALYSSA:
You were amazing! Both of you! I feel lucky I get to dance with you guys
ME:
Thanks *heart emoji* I made a few mistakes. You were both perfect
JJ:
We all made mistakes, but I can guarantee that no one watching would have noticed. You were really good Leo. Don’t doubt yourself. You’re a talented dancer
ALYSSA:
I second this! Dream team *heart emoji*
Reading their messages had warmed me all over, but the warmth disappeared when I scrolled to the later messages. The ones right after my disastrous conversation with Finn. The question was burning inside me, and I needed to know.
ME:
Who came to watch us dance today?
ALYSSA:
Other than your friend Niall, there were my friends Erin and Amy. JJ’s housemates Ander, Elliot, Charlie and Levi. JJ? Who was the other one?
Wait I think JJ’s out tonight so he might not see this. I can check with Erin, I know she talked to a couple of them
I remembered his name! Finn from the football team
Finn from the football team .
There was the confirmation, right there on my screen. Finn was the person I’d been pouring my heart out to. The person who’d become my friend. It had taken another two days after finding out his name for me to crack, but now here I was, stalking him online. First, I searched for his social media accounts. It didn’t take long—from JJ, I went to Ander, and there he was, in the list of people Ander was following.
Finn Carsley .
Now, I studied his photos. At first glance, he was a typical athlete type, like Ander. There were pictures of him shirtless on a beach playing football, showing his toned muscles. Laughing with his friends in a bar, his brown hair tousled and his deep blue eyes sparkling as he beamed, his defined jaw dusted with stubble. He was obviously popular, an athlete, and yes, he played Lesath Legends online with me, but I was easily replaceable. There were thousands of other players online, and I was sure the majority of them carried a lot less baggage than I did.
My decision was made. I pulled up my text message thread with Finn. The sooner I accepted the fact that I’d ruined everything between us with my lies, the sooner we could both move on.
Swallowing hard, I forced myself to type the words. My vision blurred, and I rubbed at my eyes with one hand as I hit Send.
ME:
I’m really sorry. I lied to you
I didn’t even have a minute to catch my breath before a reply came through.
FINN:
You’re here! I was worried. Are you feeling better? What did you lie about?
No, I’m feeling worse . I lied about my entire personality .
ME:
Not really better but not for the reasons you probably think. I lied about who I was and I’m sorry. I lied about being sick too
FINN:
WTF?
My phone started buzzing in my hand, Finn’s name flashing up on the screen. I couldn’t do it.I swiped to decline the call, biting down on my trembling lip.
You fucking coward .
ME:
I gave you a fake name when we exchanged names. I didn’t want to be me. I couldn’t be me. It’s so fucking stupid but I couldn’t be me and talk to you. I realised you’d seen me when you were telling me about the guy who’d frozen on the stage. That was me
There was a long, long pause while I gripped my phone in my trembling hand, my heart in my throat. I didn’t even know why I was waiting for a reply. I’d sealed my fate already.
The screen lit up again.
FINN:
Fuck. I don’t even know what to say. That was you?
ME:
Yeah. I understand why you won’t want to speak to me again. For what it’s worth, you’ve been a really good friend to me. I hope you have a great life
Switching my phone off, I rolled over and buried my face in my pillow.
A banging sound had me blinking my eyes open, disorientated for a second before it all came back to me.
Finn. My confession. The loss of a friend.
It hurt so fucking much, and it was all my fault.
Pulling myself into a seated position, I rubbed at my swollen eyes. The banging sounded again.
“Not now, Connor,” I croaked.
My bedroom door flew open, and my stomach went into free fall. It wasn’t my housemate standing there.
“No,” Finn said, stalking straight into my room like he had every right to be there, a dark look on his face that was such a contrast to the smiling, playful faces he made in his photos, my breath caught in my throat. “You’ve been a really good friend to me? Have a great fucking life?”
I shrank back on the bed, completely lost. What was I supposed to do? Was he really here in the flesh, not just as a picture through my phone or a voice in my ear?
He noticed my reaction, and his expression softened slightly, although there was still a hard set to his jaw. “Leo Evans. You don’t want to know how many hours it took me to find out where you were. But I didn’t stop, and do you know why? Because you’re my fucking friend, and you don’t get to decide that our friendship is over because of one tiny mistake.”
“I-it wasn’t a tiny mistake,” I whispered. “I gave you a fake name. I wanted… When I was online, I-I liked that I could be someone else. That I didn’t have to be Leo, the person who fucks up all the time and can’t even get through a fucking presentation or dance rehearsal without it becoming a-a major crisis.”
“Fucking hell,” he muttered, rubbing his hand over his jaw. “Have you been lying to me about anything else? Whenever we’ve been talking?”
Shaking my head, I dug my fingernails into my palm. “N-no.”
“Then it’s just your name. And I get why you’d do that. I know you. Viking, Erik, Leo. They’re all you . We’ve been getting to know each other for a while now, and as I just said, I know you. I like to think I’m a good judge of character, and I like you. You’re my friend.”
“B-but I?—”
“Stop.” Lowering himself into a crouch, he reached out, steadying himself on the side of my bed with one hand, the other outstretched towards me. “I’m gonna tell you right now that you’re overreacting, and I don’t want you to give yourself a hard time about it, okay?” He studied me intently, and gradually, the hardness faded from his expression. His lips curved into a small smile. “Don’t look so worried. Let’s start again. Hi, I’m Finn.”
Swallowing hard, I shifted forwards, wrapping my fingers around his and letting him shake my hand. “H-hi. I’m Leo.”
He released my hand, and I tried not to wince, thinking about just how sweaty my palms were. Glancing around the room, his gaze landed on my PC, and his smile grew. “Want to play Lesath Legends ?”
I could barely speak past the giant fucking lump in my throat. How had he accepted what I’d done that easily? I nodded, blinking rapidly.
“Fucking hell. C’mere,” he muttered, and the next thing I knew, he was yanking me into what might have been the most awkward hug of my life. When he released me, he was biting down on his lip. “Sorry. Uh…my family is all about the hugs, and you looked like you needed one.”
What was happening? I stared down at my hands. “I-I didn’t mind.”
Because I was still intently studying my hands, I didn’t see his expression, but I heard the smile in his voice. “Honestly, Leo. Forget about what happened. It’s all good. Let’s play, and I can show you the cave I found yesterday. There’s a chest in there we can loot if we can take out the guards.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay.”
And just like that, it was really okay, and I had no idea how or why. Finn sat at my desk while I sat on the bed, and we played a split-screen version of our game. The weird thing was that it wasn’t weird at all. There was none of the shyness and anxiety I felt around other people other than my four friends. Somehow, I found myself able to speak to him like I always had done, right from the beginning. It was easier now he wasn’t looking at me, of course, and that our conversation was mostly based around the game.
“So,” he said eventually when we’d cleared the cave of guards and looted the chest. “You know how I dared you before to talk to me on the phone? I have an idea for another dare, if you’re interested.”
“A dare?” I finally looked at him, and there was a hesitance in his gaze, but he nodded firmly. I thought about it for a minute. This was Finn, the friend who’d somehow instantly forgiven me for what I’d done and was still treating me like he normally did. “Okay…what’s the dare?”
“I dare you to let me help you with your confidence. Like, if you want, I dunno, help with any situations that you know are gonna make you feel nervous, like your presentation or performance. I could, uh, I could help you prepare for them or something.”
“How would that work as a dare?”
He shrugged. “We can play it by ear. Individual dares for each thing. I’ll come up with some ideas. What do you say?”
I’d been given a second chance, and if Finn was patient enough to help me with the shyness that could be debilitating at times, then I’d be a fool not to take him up on his offer.
Raising my eyes to his, I spoke, pushing through my natural urge to drop my gaze, feeling my cheeks flushing but not caring for once. “I’d like that. I need all the help I can get. But what are you getting out of it? If there’s anything you want in return, say so, and if I can do it, I will.”
He shot me a crooked grin. “Helping you to find your confidence is reward enough. Like I already said, you’re my friend, and if I can make your life a bit easier, I will. But hey, if I need a PC expert or someone to teach me dance moves, I know where to go. Ander couldn’t believe I’d never had a lap dance—” Cutting himself off, he smacked his hand over his mouth, and this time, he was the one with flushed cheeks. “Fuck’s sake. I didn’t mean anything by that. It was just a stupid comment. I’m not trying to get you to give me a lap dance or anything.”
“Um. Good.” A nervous laugh fell from my throat. “I haven’t, either. Had one. Or g-given one.” The thought was laughable. I couldn’t imagine ever having that level of confidence, not even close.
“Uh, how about we stop talking about lap dances?”
“ Please .” We looked at each other, and both laughed. Finn shook his head.
“Why am I the one getting flustered here? I’m meant to be the guru. The Jedi Master or whatever.”
“Does that make me your apprentice?”
“Yeah. I guess it does.”