25. Astrid
twenty-five
Astrid
Two Weeks Later
A nother long, exhausting afternoon is in the books.
As I approach my houseboat, I already feel the weight of the day ease off my shoulders. It’s been a long two weeks. Endless showings. Difficult clients.
The woman I was working with today couldn’t decide whether they wanted a glass penthouse with a view of Puget Sound or a Craftsman mansion within the heart of Madrona. She chose the mansion, naturally, at my prompting.
Normally, I’d be buzzing with adrenaline after closing a deal where I’ll get a five-hundred-k commission check, but now all I want is to see Brennan.
I’ve cooled off substantially since our argument after brunch. Once I had some time to sort out my feelings, I realized my anger wasn’t about his hyperfocus revelation. I mean, c’mon. It wasn’t like I hadn’t thought he might be neurodivergent. So what? I love him for who he is.
No. It hurt me to feel left out of such an important part of his life. We’ve been close for years, now. Why didn’t he trust me?
I’m used to it when it comes to my parents and sisters. Men I’ve dated. With Brennan, though, I guess I thought we told each other everything. I mean, I’ve shared all my secrets. It’s devastating to think he was scared to tell me. My emotions went haywire. I overreacted.
Did some research. Realized it wasn’t about me.
Admittedly, I was blindsided. Neurodivergence is a big word. A big concept. At first, I reacted the way I always do when I’m hurt. I pulled away and made it about how he didn’t trust me.
It stung, knowing I’d missed something this important about the man I love so deeply. Especially when I take pride in reading people so well.
Once I had some distance, I dug deeper. Read everything I could find. Tried to come to an understanding about why he kept such a big part of his life from me.
I realized it wasn’t about trust at all.
For someone like Brennan, hyperfocus isn’t just a quirk; it’s something he’s worked around his whole life. Managing it in silence, without expecting anyone to understand. I can see things from his perspective. Opening up to the person he loves so deeply might’ve felt like exposing his biggest weakness.
I’m not gonna lie. Even with all my research and newfound understanding, it’s complicated. Part of me is still hurt he didn’t let me in sooner.
Still, I realize if you love someone fully, you don’t just take in their easy parts. You work to understand the ones they keep hidden, too.
We’ve talked every day since. Resumed our usual long-distance pattern. He’s back in town for a week to, hopefully, finalize his deal with CognifyAI. While he’s here, we’re doing a demo of Reuniverse for Jason Deveraux. Brennan believes the technology is more lucrative than CognifyAI.
He’s on the late flight from Palo Alto, so I have enough time to shower and change before driving to SeaTac. I can’t wait to see him. Make up in person. Reconnect mentally and physically. Get our groove back.
I park the car and notice lights glowing warmly inside the houseboat and the silhouette of someone moving around. My heart skips a beat and I’m about to dial 9-1-1 when I recognize the person inside.
Brennan.
I throw my car in park and burst through the door. Sure enough, he’s placing a stunning arrangement of flowers in a crystal vase on the table, which is beautifully set up with candles, white linen napkins, and a spread of food we’ll never be able to finish.
He looks up as I walk in. The moment he sees me, his whole face lights up. Brennan’s lopsided, boyish grin melts me every time.
“Hey.” He strides to me and wraps his arms around my waist. “Surprise.”
I can’t help but feel overwhelmed by how thoughtful he is. I cup his face in my hands, brushing my thumb over his cheek. “You did all this? I thought I was picking you up at the airport.”
“Ah, no big deal.” He leans down to kiss me. Our lips meet. It’s a gentle, lingering kiss which melts the distance between us away. “I figured it was a better way to spend our night than a rushed car ride home from the airport. Plus, we haven’t had a proper date in a while.”
Relief and joy wash over me in waves. He planned all this? After the way I acted the last time I saw him and the things I said? The way I blew him off? “I love it.”
“I’ve missed you,” he whispers into my hair. “Let’s eat. Then we can talk. There’s…a lot I want to say.”
We pull back and he brushes a thumb over my cheek, wiping away the tears escaping from the corners of my eyes. “Go get comfortable,” he says softly. “I’ll pour the wine.”
I nod and slip away to the bedroom, changing out of my work clothes into my favorite soft joggers and t-shirt. As I smooth my hair back, I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and take a deep breath.
Whatever this night is, it feels important. Like a chance to start fresh.
When I return, the wine glasses are filled and he’s lit candles. My dining room is a cocoon of warmth and light. Brennan pulls out my chair and we settle in for our date.
“This is amazing,” I look at the spread. “Did you plan all this to woo me? Tell the truth.”
I’m not kidding. The food smells incredible — roasted duck, a delicate salad with beets and goat cheese, and a perfectly crusty baguette with French butter.
“Maybe.” His expression softens. “I wanted us to have a night where we could be together. Talk. Away from everything else.”
I sip the wine and let the soothing warmth spread through me. “This is perfect. Do you want to start?”
Brennan hesitates and looks down at his glass. Flicks his eyes back up at me. “I’ve thought a lot about what happened at brunch with your parents. And, well, a lot of other things too. I want to make sure we’re okay.”
I wince at the memory of the awful, tense meal flashing through my mind. I haven’t seen or spoken to my parents since. “We’re fine. I was upset, but I think I understand why you didn’t tell me.”
“I still should have. Even if I was afraid it would change things between us, I don’t want you to feel left out of my life.” He reaches across the table and takes my hand. “I try not to let stupid labels bring me down. On the other hand, I should have connected the dots better. You thought I didn’t trust you and it’s never been the case. I’m ready to tell you everything, if you’re willing to listen.”
I set my fork down to give him my full attention. “Please.”
Brennan takes a deep breath, like he’s gathering the courage to say whatever’s been weighing on him.
“When I was in undergrad, I may have mentioned this before in passing, but I thought I was in love with a girl in my programming class. We started sleeping together. I lost my virginity and…uh, well, I thought we were a couple. Later, I found out she was fucking other dudes too, so I broke it off.” Brennan scrunches his lips. “Suddenly, all her friends wanted to fuck me. I thought I’d hit the jackpot, honestly. It was such a change from high school. It was great for a while. I had a lot of sex. Then, I found out it was all some kind of fucking joke. I was ‘the retard with a big, thick…’”
“Dick.” I huff out a breath.
Brennan’s eyes widen. “Well, cock or eggplant emoji, but same difference. It hurt me to the core. I always recognized I was different. I’d heard ‘nerd’ and ‘geek’ a million times but, to my knowledge, no one ever overtly implied there was something wrong with me.”
“Oh, B.” I squeeze his fingers because I remember how Jake would talk about Brennan and his friends. “I hope you didn’t take that shit to heart. What dumb-asses.”
“Sadly, I did. I was depressed and didn’t want to tell anyone what went down. Least of all Connor, who was busting his ass to pay for my college. Eventually, when my thoughts turned a bit…dark, I went to the counseling center to find a therapist.” He nods to himself. “I was diagnosed with a form of neurodivergence called hyperfocus. There’s more sensitivity around it now, but at the time it was characterized as being on the ‘spectrum.’” He sighs heavily. “I was devastated because it felt like they confirmed there was something wrong with my brain. It seemed like such a stigma, I didn’t want anyone to know.”
I look into Brennan’s beautiful, brown eyes and want to take every ounce of pain he’s ever felt away from him. “I did some research. It sounds like when you get absorbed in something, you lose track of everything else.”
“Time, hunger, even people. It’s why I’m able to code for hours on end without stopping, but it’s also why I sometimes forget to check in, or why I get so fixated on things I can’t let them go.” Brennan sounds as if he’s reassuring himself.
I try to process how it must feel. “So, it’s like you disappear into it?”
“Kind of.” He quirks his lip. “It’s more like tunnel vision. I can be so deep into a project, everything else fades away. When I’m in that headspace, I’m truly not ignoring you. I do care . I lose track and sometimes can’t break free. My brain works in mysterious ways. I’m sorry if I need a reminder to get in touch, it’s not personal. I don’t want you to think it’s because I don’t love you. I do. More than anything.”
I gesture to the fully catered dinner spread out over my dining room and the ice bucket with a bottle of wine chilling next to us. The vase of fresh flowers. “B, look at what you’ve done. Of course I know you love me. I was having a bad moment because of my own situation and took things out on you without thinking. I’m sorry.”
“I’m the one who’s sorry. I never wanted to hurt you,” he murmurs. “I only want you to feel special.”
I close my eyes for a moment, letting myself melt into my love for him. He always makes me feel special. Tonight is a reminder. No matter how complicated things get, we’re still us. “Well, you succeeded. I love it. I love you. Thank you.”
“Good.” He leans across the table to give me a sweet, lingering kiss. “I don’t ever want you to feel like I’m keeping things from you. I want to be better at sharing things, even if they’re hard to talk about.”
“How were you as a little kid?” I take a bite of the to-die-for duck.
He laughs. “I’d get entirely lost in things. My family used to call it my ‘rabbit hole,’ because once I got working on something—Legos, sandcastles, I had a thing with matchbox cars for a while—I’d be lost for hours. Threw fits if I was dragged away to do stupid things like take a bath or eat dinner.”
“So funny, I was the opposite. Always so eager to please. I’d do what anyone asked so they’d like me.” I tilt my head, fascinated by how we’re so different but so perfect for each other.
“I wish I knew little Astrid…” He takes a sip of wine. “I know your relationship with your family is tough. Mine wasn’t always as good as it is now. My da, in particular, would get frustrated with me in ways he never did with my brothers. Ma had so many little boys running around I’m not sure how she kept things together. My brothers always accepted me and included me, but they all had their own interests. When my da had his accident, we were in crisis mode and getting lost in coding helped me cope.”
“I love hearing about all of this.” I hold up my wine to clink glasses with him. “You’re safe with me. Cheers to us.”
He touches his glass to mine. “Yeah, cheers. Do you understand now why I set those calendar reminders to call you? Not because I don’t think about you, it’s because when I’m in that headspace, I might forget to reach out even if I don’t mean to.”
“I get it now.” I feel a pang in my chest, remembering how hurt I felt. Now, hearing it like this, I realize it was never about me not being important enough. “Thank you for explaining it because I didn’t fully understand before. What’s done is done. We’re moving onward and upward.”
He looks relieved. “Thanks for saying that. I’ve never told anyone outside my family about this stuff. If we’re going to have a future, I want you to know me. All of me. Now you do.”
We finish our meal and I clear the plates, setting them by the sink. Brennan pours us another glass of wine and we sit on the couch overlooking the lake. I nestle into the crook of his arm, feeling a surge of affection.
“I’ve been thinking a lot about your family,” he breaks the comfortable silence. “I know I was pushy after brunch and I’m sorry. I have to be honest, I still think there might be something to find out to help you understand why things are so tough.”
I’m about to brush it off, but he’s been so honest about his past and he’s looking at me so intently, I can’t. “I don’t know. I don’t see what we’d find.”
“Maybe nothing,” he agrees, “but maybe it would help you understand why things are the way they are. Maybe it would give you some peace, like I’ve found.”
I look down and swirl the wine in my glass. “No. Not now. I don’t want to dig things up. It’ll make it worse.”
“Okay. I get it.” He kisses my temple. “I’ll try not to push. Whatever you decide, I’ll support you. I’m here, okay? No matter what.”
My heart is full of warmth. I’m glad he made the effort to surprise me tonight. “Thank you. I appreciate you.”
We relax and unwind for a long while, wrapped together watching the reflection of the moon ripple on the water outside the window. It feels good finding our way through the messiness of life together. I have a partner.
“Come here,” he whispers. “I want you. I’d like to focus on orgasms this entire weekend. Any objections?”
I close my eyes as his hands roam my body. Let myself get lost in his touch. “None.”