35. Astrid
thirty-five
Astrid
One Month Later
I t’s so nice being part of Brennan’s family.
I truly feel like I belong. I love every single one of his brothers. His mom and dad are great. It’s the type of home I wish I grew up in.
As we’ve done for most of this year, Brennan and I are at the McGloughlins for Sunday dinner. Tonight Maureen decided on a coastal theme. In the middle of the table, a massive cedar-plank salmon showpiece is topped with a vibrant salsa of diced mango, red onion, cilantro. She also prepared a creamy Dungeness crab risotto, flecked with leeks and fresh herbs, a platter of grilled asparagus and a skillet of herbed cheddar biscuits.
I peeked in the kitchen before we sat down because I’ve had a crazy sweet tooth for the past couple of weeks. I’m definitely saving room for a huge serving of the fresh peach cobbler cooling on the counter.
Well, maybe. Tonight feels different. My anxiety is through the roof. My stomach’s been in knots all day. It’s nothing serious, I tell myself. I’m sure it’s because the reunion is looming so close and the Reuniverse partnership with Jason Deveraux is going ahead. Or, maybe, it’s because we’re about to close on this gorgeous house in Madison Park. Could be some bad chicken wings from The Zoo last night.
Whatever the reason, I’m pushing the food around on my plate instead of eating it. I glance over at Brennan, who’s deep in conversation with Cillian about the house. He’s so excited about it and, truthfully, I am too. Our home. I’m already imagining us hosting Sunday dinners like this, with our own friends and family someday.
I’ll need to learn how to cook., but still…
“So, have you settled on a date yet?” Maureen snaps me out of my thoughts, her eyes dart between Brennan and me, the excitement in her voice palpable. “I know you’ve been busy with other things, but I’m dying to help with the wedding plans.”
“Oh, we’re still figuring it out.” I grimace out a smile through a wave of nausea. “There’s a lot going on with Reuniverse, and we want to make sure everything is perfect for the reunion. After we get through it, I promise I’ll focus on all of the things.”
Maureen beams. “Oh, perfect. Let me know what you need. I’m sure your mum and sisters are helping but planning a wedding takes a village. I’m happy to help with anything.”
“We’ll lean on you a ton.” Brennan squeezes my knee under the table. “We’ve got a lot to look forward to but we’re trying to just enjoy each moment after last year’s stress.”
Cillian, who’s been mostly quiet tonight, suddenly chimes in. “You should totally have the wedding at the new house. Can you imagine? The two of you saying ‘I do’ with those lake views as the backdrop.”
I have such empathy for Brennan’s brother. There’s still a hint of wistfulness in his eyes. I know he’s been putting on a brave face about the woman who broke his heart being back in town, but the way his expression shifts when he mentions love makes me want to reach out and hug him.
“You know, I think that’s a great idea.” Brennan catches my gaze. “We close in a week. Depending on when we set the date, I’m sure we could have everything ready in time.”
“It’s close by, right? The house, I mean.” Seamus shovels a bite of salmon into his mouth. He’s been quiet until now. The gentle giant seems to have a lot on his mind.
“Oh, it’s stunning.” I shift into realtor mode. “It’s a beautiful Roland Terry design, with tall ceilings and broad rooms. There’s a two-story granite fireplace, and the whole place showcases breathtaking views of Lake Washington. I’m Pinterest boarding like mad figuring out how we’re going to decorate it.”
Cillian nods with his eyes shut, as if he’s picturing it. “Big house, big views, big everything. I could totally see myself living somewhere similar one day. I’m ready, if the right girl comes along.”
“Don’t give up hope.” Brennan pats him on the back. “You never know what the future holds.”
He shakes his head. “Ship has sailed, man.”
I glance at Brennan who’s focused on his brother, clearly concerned. They met up the other night and Cillian seems to be navigating the not-drinking thing pretty well, all considering. “Well, most people love to have stability in their life. A house provides a great anchor.”
We resume eating until Maureen speaks up again. “You know, Astrid, I’ve been meaning to ask. Will we be able to meet your parents and siblings soon? It would be lovely to get to know them before the big day.”
Ooof. Another wave of nausea rolls through my belly and I feel my heart drop into my stomach. “ Oh , I’m not sure…” I eke out.
But, she’s already pressing on. “Maybe they could join us here next week for Sunday dinner?” Maureen continues, smiling warmly. “Tell me what their favorite food is and I’m happy to cook it. We’ll make them part of the family.”
“I don’t think they’ll come, I’m sorry.” My cheeks flush. I can feel Brennan’s eyes on me and I wish I could just vanish into the chair.
“Why not?” Rory’s eyes bore into me, gentle but curious. “We don’t bite.”
I swallow, feeling queasiness rise up again and feel the need to flee.
“The thing is, we’re not close. I introduced them to Brennan and it was the last straw. I don’t want them in my life anymore,” I blurt out, surprising even myself with the admission. “They’ve hurt me deeply for many years, especially my mom. She has her reasons, but I’m tired of being a punching bag for something that’s not my fault. Brennan and I have been through so much, I don’t want them to tarnish my new life. Or my relationship with all of you.”
Every pair of eyes is trained on me at this point and I hate feeling so exposed. The table goes silent and for a moment, all I can feel is silent judgment.
“Oh, A. I wasn’t sure if you knew. Don’t worry, you’re one of us now. She can’t hurt you anymore.” Brennan’s eyes search mine, then he glances around at his family. “She’s not Astrid’s biological mother.”
I freeze, stunned. The words hang in the air, and suddenly my entire world feels like it’s tilting.
“ What ?” I whisper, my voice barely audible. “What are you talking about?”
Brennan’s expression shifts from confusion to horror. I know the exact moment he realizes he’s made a horrific mistake. “I thought...uh, I thought you…. I thought that’s why you haven’t…”
I stop hearing anything he’s saying because the room is spinning. I know I’m going to be sick.
“What did you do?” My voice shakes with utter devastation. “Even though I asked you to leave it alone, you didn’t listen. Have you been investigating my family behind my back?”
“Astrid, I—” he starts, but I can’t let him finish.
I’m going to throw up. Right now . I shove my chair back and bolt for the bathroom, barely making it before the nausea overwhelms me. I collapse over the toilet, my stomach heaving, and I can hear someone’s footsteps approaching, but I kick the door shut and manage to lock it. I don’t want to see him. I don’t want to see anyone. Not in this state.
However long it is later, when I stand up, I’m shaking uncontrollably. I splash water on my face and stare at my reflection in the mirror, trying to understand why Brennan would press forward when I begged him not to. It’s such a violation. Unforgivable, maybe.
How long has he known? Why didn’t he tell me? How could he do this?
There’s no way out, I realize. I’m locked in the McGloughlin’s bathroom and the only way to leave is by walking past all of them. How mortifying .
I tentatively peer out the door and Brennan is there. Waiting. Leaning against the wall, his face pale and stricken.
“Sorry doesn’t cut it.” He reaches for me but I avoid his touch. “I wasn’t trying to hurt you. I wanted to give you answers to make things better. When I found out, I figured you already knew and it’s why you felt so strongly. So, I dropped it.”
“Make things better ?” I repeat, incredulous. “Brennan, you withheld information from me again. Deliberately . I told you to drop it and you didn’t give two shits. How am I supposed to process this? I’m so fucking mad. And hurt. And devastated.”
He looks like he’s been punched in the gut. “It wasn’t malicious. I really thought I could help. I wanted to surprise you.”
“Let me make one thing clear. You don’t get to make my decisions for me,” I snap, my voice rising to a yell. At this point I don’t care if his entire family hears me because I cannot comprehend where his mind was at. Hyperfocus or not. This is wrong . “I’m a grown woman who trusted you, Brennan. For what? You have no respect for me. None. What else have you been keeping from me?”
His look of distress doesn’t faze me.
“I haven’t—A, please. I’m wasn’t trying to hurt you,” he pleads. “I thought if you had the information you wouldn’t be so hard on yourself about your relationship with your family. I hate seeing you hurt. It kills me...”
“I told you I don’t need you to fix me.” I shake my head, tears stinging my eyes. “I needed you to listen to me. You didn’t.” My voice cracks but I’m beyond being worried about appearances at this point. My emotions are raw. Real. Legitimate. “I can’t marry someone who’ll disregard my capability to choose how I conduct my own life.”
I pull off my engagement ring and hand it to him. He makes no move to take it from me so we stand in the hallway staring at each other. I can see how badly he wants to fix what he broke.
It’s too late.
I love Brennan with all my heart, but I’d lose respect for myself if I were to brush this off. “I need to be away from you.” I grab his hand and press the ring into his palm. “To rethink what I want. Right now it feels like our entire relationship is ruined.”
He collapses into himself at my words. The pain in his eyes shatters me, but I can’t let myself soften. Not this time.
“Astrid, please.” Tears stream down his cheeks. “I love you.”
“I need space.” I walk past him, back toward the dinner table. “And I need you to respect my wishes this time.”
As I approach the family, who are obviously uncomfortable witnesses to our abrupt breakup, I keep it simple because there’s no way they haven’t heard every word we’ve said.
“I need to go,” I manage, knowing my words land heavy in the room.
Maureen’s eyes flick to Brennan, who stands behind me shellshocked. She looks back at me. I can tell she wants to say something , anything , to help. But she doesn’t.
Cillian glances between Brennan and me, clearly worried about his brother. Seamus shifts in his seat awkwardly, his mouth half-open like he’s about to speak, but he closes it again, probably realizing there’s nothing he can say that won’t make the situation worse. Even Rory, who usually can’t keep his thoughts to himself, stares straight ahead. His expression is a mix of shock and sympathy.
Maureen is the one who eventually speaks. “Oh, sweetheart, are you alright? Can I do anything?”
“No.” I shake my head. “Thank you for a lovely meal. I’m sorry it came to this but I need to go home.”
I make it to the door and step outside, shutting it behind me. Thank God I’m the one who drove tonight.
As I get into the driver’s seat, I hear Brennan calling my name, but I don’t turn back. I need to get out of here, away from all of them, before I fall apart.
I don’t know what to do.
I don’t know what to think.
Everything I thought I understood about Brennan, about us, has just been turned upside down.
We’re not coming back from this.