Chapter 14 - Benedict #2
The choir loft. My bed—narrow, monastic, the sheets that smell like stone and cold water.
I push her down onto it. She lands on her back and looks up at me and her hair is spread across the pillow and her chest is heaving and the look on her face is the most honest thing I've ever seen.
Desire without any clinical framework around it. Want without diagnosis.
I pull my shirt over my head. She sees my body—the scars, the muscle, the physical evidence of what I actually am, which is not a philanthropist or an investor but a man who has been trained to damage other men with his hands.
Her eyes move over me. I watch her process—the old knife wound on my ribs, the thick scar across my shoulder, the body of a man who has lived violently and carries the proof.
She doesn't flinch. Her hand reaches up and traces the scar on my ribs, her fingers light, clinical, reading the wound history the way she reads people.
I catch her wrist. Pin it above her head. Her eyes widen—not with fear. With the jolt of understanding that the dynamic she's been sensing for weeks has just become physical.
I hold her wrist against the mattress and I kiss her throat.
The same place as the doorway—the pulse point, the place I've been watching, the place where her body has been telling me the truth since the crisis center.
Her pulse is hammering. I can feel it against my tongue.
I press my teeth into the skin—not enough to break it, enough to mark it—and she arches off the bed and the sound she makes is the sound from the doorway but louder, less contained, freed from the open air and the public street and given to the dark privacy of the choir loft.
I take off her jeans. She lifts her hips to help me and the cooperation is devastating—the willingness, the active participation of a woman who is not being done to but doing, choosing, lifting her body to meet my hands.
Her underwear is black, simple, matching the bra.
I don't take them off yet. I run my hand up the inside of her thigh and feel the muscle tighten under my palm and her legs part and the parting is an invitation I don't need but take anyway.
I press my hand between her thighs. Over the fabric.
She's wet—soaked through the cotton—and the knowledge of how much she wants this, the physical evidence of it against my fingers, makes the hunger spike to something nearly unmanageable.
I press harder. She gasps. Her free hand—the one I'm not pinning—grabs the sheets.
"Three weeks," I say against her throat. "I've been outside your window for three weeks."
Her breathing fractures. I feel the words land in her body—the confession of surveillance delivered as intimacy, the violation reframed as devotion.
I move my hand against her, slow, deliberate pressure through the fabric, and her hips roll toward me and her back arches and the clinical psychologist who diagnoses predatory behavior for a living is grinding against a predator's hand and making sounds that have no place in any textbook.
I pull the fabric aside. My fingers find her directly—hot, slick, swollen—and the first contact without the barrier draws a sound from her that I will hear for the rest of my life.
I push two fingers inside her and she cries out and her whole body tightens around my hand and her wrist strains against my grip above her head.
I work her. Not gently. Deep, deliberate strokes, my thumb against her clit, my mouth on her throat, her wrist pinned.
She's lost the capacity for words. What comes out of her is pure sound—fragmented, rhythmic, building.
Her body moves with my hand, against it, the two of us locked in a rhythm that has nothing to do with strategy and everything to do with the animal fact of what we are to each other.
She comes hard. The orgasm takes her whole body—a convulsion that starts in her hips and moves through her like a wave, her back arching off the bed, her free hand twisted in the sheets, her mouth open, the sound she makes raw and broken and entirely without performance.
I feel her pulse through my fingers, through my mouth on her throat, the frantic rhythm of a body coming apart.
I don't let her recover. I pull my hand away, strip the rest of the fabric from both of us—bra, underwear, my remaining clothes—and I'm over her, skin against skin, and the full-body contact is a shock.
Her heat. The way her legs open to accommodate me.
The way her hands find my back and grip—nails, pressure, the hands of a woman who has stopped being careful.
I push inside her. Not slowly. A single thrust that seats me fully and she gasps and her nails dig into my back and her legs wrap around my waist and the feeling of being inside Lucy Anderson is the end of every thought I've had since the wedding.
The hunger doesn't quiet. It focuses. Narrows to the single point of connection between us, the place where my body is inside hers, and the focus is so total that the church disappears.
The wall disappears. The investigation disappears.
There is nothing in the world except the heat of her around me and the sounds she's making and the grip of her thighs against my hips.
I fuck her hard. There's no other word for it—not making love, not having sex.
This is fucking. The dark, primal, graceless thing that happens when two people stop performing and start consuming.
My hands on her hips, pulling her into each thrust. Her hands on my shoulders, my back, scratching, gripping, leaving marks I'll find tomorrow.
The sound of skin against skin in the vaulted silence of the choir loft, obscene and sacred simultaneously.
I flip her. Hands on her hips, turning her onto her stomach.
She goes—no resistance, no hesitation. Her face in the pillow, her back arched, her hips raised.
I push inside her from behind and the angle is deeper, tighter, and the sound she makes into the pillow is muffled and desperate and I grab a fistful of her hair and pull her head back because I want to hear it.
All of it. Every sound she makes belongs to me.
"Say my name," I tell her. My voice is wrecked. Barely recognizable.
"Benedict." Broken. Breathless. My name in her mouth while I'm inside her body and the combination is the closest thing to prayer I've ever experienced.
"Again."
"Benedict—" It dissolves into a moan. I'm moving hard, relentless, one hand in her hair, the other on her hip, and she's pushing back against me, meeting each thrust, the two of us locked in something that's as close to violence as it is to sex.
The line between them dissolved hours ago—in the doorway, on the dark street, maybe at the wedding, maybe before that, maybe the line never existed and what's happening now is just the truth of what we are, stripped of every mask.