Chapter 9
Suzie knows she shouldn’t have come to the shopping center on a Saturday.
It’s the worst time, with teenagers sprawling on the sofas at Starbucks, sipping iced coffees through straws and threading charms onto their bags, all noise and audaciousness.
Suzie remembers it well. She doesn’t envy them their youth.
It was a hard time, as she recalls. She waits patiently in line for her coffee, paying with the credit card from their joint account.
Suzie has heard of other women who keep their finances separate from their husbands’, even going so far as to have a secret fund in case they ever need to get away.
Suzie doesn’t understand it. For her, Teddy is solid ground.
She can’t imagine keeping anything secret from him.
He is simply an extension of who she is.
Suzie walks slowly back to the car park, carrier bags swinging from the crook of her elbow, sipping her coffee.
She walks past the potted ferns and the mosaic fountain that make up the centerpiece of the atrium, tiled floor the pale pink of seashells.
She smiles, commiserating with a woman struggling to get her screaming baby back into a stroller and nodding hello to the security guard by the exit.
Suzie likes her town, she likes the people in it.
A lot of people think it’s too small, suffocating even, but Suzie likes to see familiar faces.
It makes her feel safe. So when she sees the woman crying beside the cash machine in the car park, she pivots toward her without thinking because Suzie White likes to help people. Ask anyone, they’ll tell you the same.
“Hey,” she says, and as the woman looks up, Suzie realizes that she knows the woman with the puffy eyes and tear-stained face. It’s Cathy Maddon, Hazel’s sister.
“Oh!” Suzie pulls up short, hesitating. She has always been wary of Cathy, even as an adult, but she can’t very well leave her here crying, so she steps toward her and holds out a napkin. “Here. Blow your nose.”
Suzie has always thought of Cathy Maddon as one of those women who peaked in high school.
She’d once envied her and been more than a little afraid whenever their paths had crossed in the school corridors or when she’d visited Hazel at home.
Cathy had been a pretty teen but a mean one, sharp tongued and acerbic.
She’d ridden the crest of that popularity all the way out of Idless—first to London and then to New York.
Suzie hadn’t heard much about Cathy Maddon in the intervening years, but she’d always imagined her designing clothes for celebrities with fabulous names like Candy Darling and Carmen Electra.
When Cathy had returned with a young son and—according to the rumors—a stack of debt chasing at her heels, she had moved into Knox Row, a shabby estate on the edge of town.
It was like Teddy said, Suzie had thought, shooting stars burn bright because they move too fast.
“I’m fine. I’m okay, Suzie.”
Cathy swipes at her tears. Her voice is level—light, even—but Suzie notices how tightly she is gripping the handles of the stroller, as if she is clinging to it for dear life. The baby in it, a toddler, really, in a woolly hat and bright green ski suit, is asleep, chin to chest.
Suzie points to a stone bench in a pool of wintry sunshine, just a little way off. “Why don’t you take five minutes? I could do with sitting down.”
Cathy looks as if she might protest but then she shrugs. “Sure, why not. It’ll be nice to have nothing to do for a while.”
She follows Suzie to the bench and turns the buggy so it is facing away from them, dabbing at her streaked mascara with the pads of her fingers. The toddler doesn’t stir, and Cathy looks at him fondly as she lowers herself onto the seat.
“Bad day, huh?”
“Oh yeah. Everything that could go wrong, has gone wrong. You ever get those days?” A pause. Cathy looks Suzie up and down, taking in her polished hair and careful makeup, the simple gold jewelry Suzie chooses because it is quiet and tasteful. “Okay, maybe you don’t.”
“Here.” Suzie takes the coffee out of the cardboard tray and passes it to Cathy. “Have this. It’s Teddy’s but he won’t mind. He shouldn’t have too much caffeine anyway, it’s bad for his blood pressure.”
Cathy nods gratefully and takes a sip. “Wow, that’s strong!”
“Oh yeah. Four shots. Bad for his heart too, I should think. I’m doing him a favor, really.”
“This is really kind of you. Thank you. I’m not normally like this.” Cathy draws a long, shuddering breath, composing herself.
Suzie pats her gently on the hand. “On my worst days I like to break things,” she says conspiratorially, pleased when Cathy laughs with disbelief.
“It’s true! I have a stack of old plates in the shed.
I pick them up from car boot sales and charity shops.
Ugly old things, all chipped and broken.
Some days I like to hurl them against the wall just as hard as I can. ”
“You should take up kickboxing.”
“Teddy says he’s going to build me a punchbag. I don’t even think he’s kidding!”
Both women laugh.
“Do you mind if I smoke?” Cathy asks.
Suzie shakes her head. “Go right ahead.”
Cathy lights her cigarette with some pleasure, looking out toward the paved precinct, where a group of skateboarders are trying to grind the handrails.
“Your oldest is about that age now, isn’t he?” Suzie asks.
Cathy laughs and points her cigarette. “That is my oldest. Danny. The one with his pants round his knees and his cap on backward like he’s something special.
Don’t worry, he won’t talk to me out here where his friends can see.
He’s mad as hell at the world these days.
I just let him go on and get it out of his system. Like you and your plates.”
“And who’s this sleepy little guy?” Suzie leans round and peers at the toddler.
“That’s Scout. My youngest and last. I’m done now, thank God. He’s good as gold but I’m tired.”
“Teddy says we can think about babies soon as he gets his promotion.” Suzie twists her wedding band. “I think he’d like two boys too.”
“What about you?”
“Hmm?”
“Well, what would you like? You’re growing them. You’re carrying them around for nine months and feeding them and putting cream on your cracked nipples. What do you want?”
Suzie blinks. It surprises her to discover that she hasn’t even considered what she wants. How strange, she thinks.
“Anyway”—Cathy exhales a jet of violet smoke, fanning it away from the pram—“here’s the thing with siblings—no matter what you do, sometimes they just don’t fit together.
It comes as a surprise to some people, I think, that two people related by blood and brought up closely together can be so different. ”
“Are your boys like that?”
“Too soon to say. This one”—she points her cigarette toward the sleeping toddler—“adores Danny. But Danny’s hitting that age, isn’t he?
Fifteen. He doesn’t want to be tied to his baby brother and his tired old mum.
He wants to be with his friends. He’s a good kid, it’s just hard.
You’ve got a whole bunch of brothers, right, Suzie? ”
“Three. All in the armed forces.”
“You get along with them?”
“They look out for me. Protective. I always feel small in their company. Like a baby bird.”
“That’s nice. I’d have liked brothers.”
“You had Hazel.”
“Yeah.” There is a beat then, in which a look crosses Cathy’s face, ominous and dark as cold coffee. “I don’t anymore, though.”
“You not seen her yet?”
“Nope. We were meant to be meeting for lunch today but she hasn’t showed. She’s never even met her nephew here. That’ll teach me to get my hopes up, I guess.”
“Oh hey, no. I’m sure there’s a good reason. Hazel wouldn’t just stand you up.”
“Honey, no offense, but you haven’t seen Hazel in ten years. I think it embarrassed her the way things turned out for me.”
Suzie frowns. “Did you go to the wedding?”
A pause. Cathy’s lips wobble but she grits her teeth against a fresh wave of tears.
“Yeah, I did. Her husband Joe didn’t like me much.
They put ‘no children’ on the invite and sat me at the back on a table with their neighbors who kept calling me Katie.
Me and Hazel fell out that day and haven’t spoken for about five years.
Like I said, she was embarrassed by me. Still is, looks like. ”
The teens are laughing in the distance, pulling tricks on their boards and hitching up their baggy trousers.
“My life turned to shit when I moved away.” Cathy gives Suzie a weak smile.
“But I’m sure that isn’t news to you. I know what this town’s like for gossip.
So let me get the record straight before I go any further, okay?
Yes, I made bad choices. Bad choices in the business I invested in, the men I slept with, and how I dealt with it all.
When Scout’s daddy walked out on us, he took everything except the debts, which he left at my door.
I had to use the last of my savings just to get a deposit on the rental, and now I’m working two jobs and using a food bank.
I can’t even get a fucking credit card!”
Scout starts fussing and Cathy reaches for the buggy with her cigarette clamped between her teeth, moving the pram briskly back and forth.
“I went to get some money out today so I could pay for lunch. I was going to take Hazel for sushi and I wanted to be able to say, ‘I’ll get this.’ Probably lucky she didn’t show because I’ve just checked my balance and I’m back to zero again. Least till payday.”
“Listen, I can help—”
“God, no. No. That’s not what I’m saying at all. Jesus, Suzie.”
“Sorry, I just thought—”
“What?” Cathy sneers. She looks flushed and anxious, her leg jittering up and down. It’s embarrassment, Suzie realizes. “You thought what?”
“I want to help you.”
“Of course you do. Hasn’t that always been your way? But I’m not asking for money. Not trying to be a bitch here, sweetie, but you never were the sharpest, were you?”
There, Suzie thinks. Just a flash of the old spiky Cathy Maddon, like a minnow glimpsed swimming upstream.
Discomfort burns deep in her chest. She considers standing up and walking away—after all, she tells herself, she’s an adult now.
She doesn’t have to be afraid of this woman anymore.
But then Cathy’s face sags and she looks like she might cry again and Suzie—the girl voted most likely to save the world in high school—holds her nerve and keeps her voice level.
“You know my mother always said that kindness is free to give, and priceless to receive. That’s all I’m offering you, Cathy. Kindness.”
Cathy draws in a quick sharp breath, eyes narrowed to slits. Suzie holds her gaze, almost challenging her. Then the moment breaks, and Cathy turns away, bending to unclip the toddler from the stroller. He sits dazed before breaking into a big gummy grin.
“Hello, darling!” Suzie reaches out a hand. Scout grabs her finger with his warm, chubby fist, still smiling. “You have a good sleep?”
“This isn’t your auntie, kid.” Cathy grinds the cigarette out under the sole of her boot. “So don’t get excited.”
She lifts him into her arms and turns him on her knee to face Suzie. He yawns, his face round and full as a moon. Suzie grins back. She can’t help it.
“Well, Hazel’s missing out.” Suzie tickles the boy under his chin. “Because he is adorable.”
“I just don’t understand it, you know?” Cathy frowns. “I mean, it was her who reached out to me. She sounded so sincere.”
Suzie wonders if Cathy is about to start crying again, but instead she spins Scout back round to face her and buries her face in his neck, making kissing sounds. The little boy laughs, tilting backward, flailing his arms. His face radiates a simple, easy joy that makes Suzie laugh herself.
“I’d better go,” she tells Cathy as Scout settles onto his mother’s lap, twisting his hands in her blond curls. “Teddy’s waiting for me. We’ve got lots to do this afternoon.”
“Okay, Suzie. Thanks for the coffee.”
“Listen, I saw Hazel yesterday in the pharmacy. I’ll admit it gave me a shock, looking up and seeing her standing there. She seemed well, if a bit distracted.”
“Oh yeah?”
Suzie nods, but there’s a strange feeling that’s been fermenting inside her ever since she’d taken that prom photo down off the wall.
It wasn’t anything Hazel said yesterday that made her feel so uncomfortable—it had been the look on her face.
Strained, almost as if she was in pain. Her eyes had been pouched and dark, and you could see the whites all around them.
Big white eyes. She doesn’t mention this to Cathy, though—Cathy is worried enough.
Instead, Suzie simply fixes her with a confident smile and says, “So you know, maybe Hazel has a good reason not to be here today. Maybe she has problems of her own.”
“Huh.” Cathy snorts. “I doubt that.”