Chapter 18 Where The Light Still Shines
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
WHERE THE LIGHT STILL SHINES
Joshua paced the length and breadth of David’s large living room. Unsure. Nervous. Out of his mind with fear. What if nothing’s the same? What if what we had can’t be recovered? Oh god, oh god.
Colin had insisted on making his own way back to David’s house.
“Don’t come and get me,” his text had read.
“Let me find my own way back to you.” And Joshua had understood.
This had been a solitary journey from the very beginning.
Even with all the love, the closeness, the intimacy…
even with all of that, Colin had to walk this path alone.
This time Joshua couldn’t help him. The loneliness of it was a knife, sharp and cruel, lodged deep in his chest. But he understood.
Colin’s plane had landed over an hour ago. He’d sent a text. Short… like all his messages lately. Just: “On my way, mo ghrá milis.” And, of course, the ever-present heart emoji.
When the taxi pulled into David’s driveway, Joshua’s heart nearly stopped. He stared out the window as Colin got out of the cab.
Oh god, he’s so thin!
He could feel himself trembling, shaking all over. Then Colin’s eyes swung toward the house—toward him—and Joshua saw him smile.
He flew out the front door, already weeping, arms outstretched—barely noticing when Colin dropped his duffel bag and stepped into him.
And then he was in Colin’s arms, held so tightly he could scarcely breathe. The smell of him. The texture of his hair. His skin. The scrape of beard against his cheek. The low voice in his ear, “A stór, a stór, tá grá agam duit.”
“Oh, my love,” Joshua whispered. “Thank god, thank god, you’re home.”
Colin’s fingers clenched in his hair—and then they were kissing. Again and again, as though neither of them could ever get enough. And Joshua’s knees buckled, arms tightening around Colin’s neck, lost in the taste of him—drowning in it. As though his kisses were life itself.
Then Colin sagged as if suddenly overwhelmed. “God above, baby,” he murmured, his face against Joshua’s neck. “I need to sit down.”
“Oh, my beloved, I’m so sorry.” He wound Colin’s arm around his neck and walked him toward the house. “Come sit. I’ll make you a brandy… or a coffee… or whatever you want. Whatever you need.”
Colin turned his head and kissed Joshua’s temple. “I already have everything I want and need. But I wouldn’t say no to a cup of tea.”
They stumbled up the walk and into David’s house.
Joshua refused to release him until he had eased him onto the sofa.
He stroked Colin’s hair and bent to kiss him again.
Then his breath caught in a sob, and he sank to his knees.
Colin caught him close as Joshua knelt between his legs, sobbing as though his heart would break.
“Josh, my sweet love,” he whispered. “It’s all right now. I’m here. I’m home.”
“Oh, Colin, I was so afraid.” He lifted his tear-streaked face. “I’m so sorry, sweetheart. I’m so sorry. I wanted to hold it together.”
Colin shrugged, screwing his face into a comical grimace. “Why?”
Joshua stared for half a second—then burst out laughing. They both did. Clutching each other, hands roaming over arms, hair, body—just to know—to be sure. He was here.
“I think I left my duffel in the driveway,” Colin muttered, still chuckling as he held Joshua close in his arms.
“I’ll get it, my love.” Joshua staggered to his feet, supporting himself on Colin’s shoulder. “Let me put the tea kettle on and I’ll run grab it.”
Colin caught his hand and pulled him in for another kiss. “Don’t go vanishing on me now.”
“I won’t, my yedid.”
A half hour later, Colin’s bag lay on the floor at his feet as he sat on the couch, feet up on a cushioned stool, leather jacket draped over the couch arm, a mug of Barry’s Gold Blend Irish tea, one of Colin’s favorites, warm in his hand.
Joshua nestled against him, pressed as close as he could get, with Colin’s arm tight around him, sipping his own mug of Barry’s Gold.
“I keep forgetting they sell this in the US,” Colin murmured, taking another sip.
“Ah, yes, my love. For those smart enough to buy it. I always keep a stash for special occasions.” He hesitated. “Of course, my stash was…” His voice trailed off.
“In the kitchen when the world exploded on us, was it?” Colin’s voice held just the faintest lilt, the musical rhythm of Ireland still clinging to him.
Joshua hesitated again, and Colin chuckled. “It’s OK. We can talk about it. I’ve made my peace with the fact that I don’t rule the world.” He pressed a soft kiss to Joshua’s hair. “Or as Danny put it: I don’t deal the cards. I play the hand I’m dealt just like the rest of ya.”
Joshua gave a soft chuckle. “Danny is a wise and learned man.”
Colin nodded, turning to nuzzle against Joshua’s dark curls. “Amen to that, a stór.” He sat up and peered around. “Where are our hosts?”
“They went out to dinner to give us some time together.” He looked at his watch.
“But I suspect they’ll be home soon.” He laid a hand on Colin’s arm.
“Nate has been”—he paused and shook his head—“I don’t know how to describe it, Colin.
He’s been grief-stricken by what happened to you… to us. Nearly physically ill.”
“Did you show him the postcards?”
“My lifeline. Those cards.” He blushed and looked up into Colin’s face. “OK. Here it comes. My most embarrassing confession…”
“Well, let’s hear it!”
Joshua wrinkled his nose, mugging. “I slept with them under my pillow.”
“The postcards?”
Joshua nodded, then looked up, pointing a finger at Colin’s grinning face. “No teasing!”
Colin snickered and kissed his hair. “I wouldn’t dream of it. And… I’ll make it up to Nate.” He sighed. “Once I catch up on my rest.”
Joshua’s fingers stroked the sandy-brown beard, which was longer than he’d ever seen it. “You keeping that?”
“Up to you. I’m not the one who’ll have it burrowing between their legs.”
Joshua laughed softly. “We’ll discuss later. After I’ve had some experience. D’you think Esther will approve?”
“There’s a lot of bearded prosecutors in the world.” He sighed. “Jesus. I don’t even want to think about going back to the CAO.” He looked into Joshua’s eyes. “I’m just not ready.”
Joshua sat up and laid his mug on the coffee table, then he turned to his husband and rested a hand on his arm.
“The only thing that I ask of you, my yedid—that I beg of you—is that you take all the time you need to feel like yourself again. I don’t care if it’s a week…
a month… or a year. Just please, please take that time.
” He took Colin’s hand and lifted it to his lips.
“All that matters to me is you.” He drew in a breath. “Just you.”
Colin smiled and leaned close to kiss him. “I have so much to tell you. So much to share.” He shook his head and sipped. “But god, Josh—it’s going to take me a while.”
“I understand. And if I may use one of my most overworked phrases… you’re still processing what you experienced.”
Colin gazed down at him, eyebrows lifted. “And for the first time, I actually understand what that means.” His eyes sought out the weather-beaten bag by his feet. “I want to show you the journal I kept on the road.”
“Your pilgrimage.”
Colin arched his brows and nodded. “Yes, it was that. And it was everything a pilgrimage is supposed to be.”
“What drew you to that path, my love?”
“Honestly, Josh? I don’t know. Danny asked the same question, and I couldn’t answer it then either. I was just… led to it. Almost as if Ireland wanted me to do it.” He glanced at Joshua with a wry smile. “I know that sounds nuts.”
Joshua’s answering smile was soft. “You really think I need to be convinced that Ireland speaks to you, my beloved husband? Who bought your ticket?”
Colin stared at him for a moment, then huffed a soft laugh. “You always knew?”
Joshua pressed a kiss to his shoulder. “I knew nothing. But I always hoped.”
Before Colin could reply, the front door opened, and the sound of voices filtered in from the hallway.
“They’ve probably moved to the bedroom by now,” David was saying, and then he and Nate stepped into the room, both laughing softly.
Nate froze the moment he saw Colin, his eyes going wide. “Colin,” he breathed, hand flying to his mouth.
Colin stood slowly, and Nate crossed the room in seconds, pulling him into a tight, tearful hug. “Don’t ever scare me like that again,” Nate choked out, already weeping. “I mean it.”
“I’ll do my best,” Colin murmured, voice hoarse. “But no promises.”
David stepped forward, more composed but no less emotional. He clasped Colin’s shoulder with one hand, then pulled him in for a quick, tight embrace. “Thank god,” he said simply.
Colin looked at each of them, his arm still around Nate. “I missed you both. More than I can say.”
“We missed you, too,” Nate whispered, eyes welling.
“Thank you,” Colin said, resting a hand on each of their shoulders. “Thank you for taking care of my beloved husband while I wandered the highways and byways in search of…”
“Yourself?” David suggested, brows arched.
“I felt like all four of the characters in Wizard of Oz,” Colin said with a tired smile.
“Looking for parts of myself: my courage, my brain, my heart.” He turned to Joshua, who stood beside him, smiling.
“Although I never have to look far for my heart.” He bent and kissed him.
“Mo chroí,” he whispered, then turned back to David and Nate.
“And like Dorothy, I found my way home.”
“Did you tell him?” Nate asked, poking Joshua’s arm, his voice dancing with excitement.
Colin gave Joshua a puzzled look as they sank back to the couch. “Tell me what?”
Nate fell onto the couch opposite them, nearly bouncing, while David walked to the liquor cabinet and poured four glasses of very fine Cognac. “This moment calls for a toast.”
“Yeah?” Colin said, smiling as he took Joshua’s hand. “OK, spill! What’s up?” He winked. “You pregnant?”