CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
JAGGER
The guys were quick to get here, arriving not long after I did. Mia, however, had not planned to be on the East Coast, so it has taken her longer. The first thing she said when I called her was, ‘What the fuck did you do to my girl, rock star?’
I had no choice but to admit what a fucking failure I am. It wasn’t that I did anything to hurt her, but ignoring the signs made the outcome the same as if I had done something terrible to her.
Jett glances at me as I pace back and forth in the waiting room.
“This isn’t your fault, man. I know you think it is, but it’s not.”
Popping my head up, I glare at him. “You don’t have a clue what you’re talking about. I knew she wasn’t okay. I never should’ve left her alone. Had I not been completely self absorbed, this would not have happened.”
He runs a hand through his hair, like it’s his girl fighting for her life in there.
Although, I suppose she likely isn’t fighting to live but fighting to die. My chest feels like it’s actually cracking from the pain of what she’s experiencing.
“You can’t babysit someone twenty-four hours a day to prevent them from taking their life. It doesn’t work. Eventually, you have to live your life. My guess, from everything I’ve read, is this has been a long time coming.”
Mia comes running in, just as I’m ready to tell Jett to shut his fucking pie hole.
“Is she okay?”
I hang my head down. “I don’t know, Mia. They won’t let me see her.”
She places her hands on her hips. “I’m her sister. They won’t deny me.”
We all watch as she marches to the nurse’s desk, clearly on a mission, and much to my surprise, she’s immediately escorted back. Well, fuck. Why wouldn’t they let me see her? Why haven’t they told me anything?
I haven’t told the guys yet, but I’ve thought about it a lot. If she needs round the clock care, or a babysitter as Jett calls it, I’ll leave the band. There is nothing in my life with a higher priority than her. I’ll break my fucking contract, and take whatever consequences there are.
Mia comes out three hours after going in. Yes, I was watching the time that closely. The time in a hospital seems never ending.
She glances at the guys. “I need to talk to Jagger. Alone.”
They shuffle out and we sit down, and I beg her, “Tell me anything, but don’t tell me she’s dead.”
Taking my hand, she whispers, “Jagger, honey, she isn’t dead.”
I inhale a deep breath. “Okay. Are they going to let me see her?”
She squeezes my hand and says, “No. I’m so sorry, Jagger. None of this is your fault. She’s going to a mental hospital. I’m not permitted to tell you which one. McKinley will be on a seventy-two hour hold at least to begin with, but she might be there longer.”
“Then I can see her?”
She shakes her head again. “She said to read her suicide note. Kins says it’ll explain why you can’t be together.”
“Wait. She’s dumping me? No. I don’t fucking accept that.”
Mia tilts her head with a sad expression.
“I fucking hate this for you. You have done nothing but love her, and it’s not fair. Jagger, I’m so sorry, but she needs you to let her go, so she can heal.”
I’ll be embarrassed later, but right now I let the tears fall.
“I can’t be without her, Mia. She is fucking everything. When I thought she was dying, it physically felt like I was too. McKinley is part sewn into my soul, and living without her is going to kill me.”
She wraps her arms around me and holds me while I cry.
“I’m so sorry, Jagger. This is what she needs, and I know you love her enough to give it to her.”
“Please, just ask her if I can say goodbye. I need to see her one last time.”
I pull away from her, and she wipes a tear from her cheek, and nods slowly. “Yes, I’ll ask her, but don’t get your hopes up. I’ll do my best. For what it’s worth, you were the best thing that ever happened to her.”
I don’t bother telling her, without McKinley in my life, it doesn’t mean a fucking thing.
Grabbing my phone, I open up my photo app to read the note I haven’t wanted to.
Dear Jagger,
I’m so sorry. Those are the only words I have for you, as I know soon, you’ll find my body. I didn’t want that to happen, but there was no other way.
You’ll probably wonder if I loved you, and I do. In all likelihood, you will probably never understand the effect you had on me. You took a broken girl and gave her such happy times. Thank you for that. My only thoughts as I leave this world will be of you. Thank you for loving me in such a fierce, all-consuming way.
I promised you answers, so I will give you those now.
On my second birthday, my mother tried to drown me. There was little that made her angrier than my birthdays. The reminders of the one thing that lived, while killing the only thing that mattered to her. I lived even though I wasn’t supposed to. It was my punishment for my father leaving her. I went to foster care for eight months while she received treatment in a mental hospital. You would think they would’ve removed me from her care permanently, yet after she got out, she got me back. I’ll spare you the details but the beatings were brutal. The verbal abuse, and the starvation, were not much better. Then I met Erik and, while I know you think he was horrible to me, he was better than her. That’s why I put up with it, I guess. He at least never hit me until the day I met you.
The first time I tried to end my life, I was ten years old. I have spent a total of eight years in mental hospitals. I had no idea the media would find out. If I had, I never would’ve been with you. There is no chance I would have dragged you into this. I’m sorry for that. How they got my medical records, I don’t understand. I have known for the last year I would take my life. Please don’t think it was you, or that you could’ve saved me. Love can heal a lot of things, but not this. I love you so much, Jagger, but I hate myself more than I love you. I’m sorry for putting you through this.
The only thing I want is to hear your voice taking away my fear as I pass from this life. I’ll be playing ‘Goodbye’ on repeat. I always felt like you wrote that song for me, even though we had never met. The words felt like they were ripped from my heart. So I leave you with this, my one true love.
Goodbye
Living in pain
Isn’t living
Don’t wish for me to be here
No, don’t shed a tear
Goodbye
Don’t cry for me
Goodbye
Love Forever,
McKinley
That song was never meant to encourage suicide. In the video, the young man that is the subject of the song is found before he hurts himself, and we donated all proceeds to suicide prevention. Did she think that would make me okay with her dying? It wouldn’t. Nothing would.
Mia comes back out and says, “You have five minutes. And if you upset her, the doctors said you will need to leave. She’s not doing well, Jagger. She is fine physically but emotionally, she’s not herself.”
I follow her back, going through the long white hallway, and she waves me in. “I’ll give you two some privacy.”
After saying a quick hello to the nurse, I turn to McKinley. Her dark hair is a tangled mess, her eyes are puffy, and the tears dried on her cheeks tell me why her eyes are so red.
I approach the side of the bed. “Thank you for seeing me.”
“Well, I’m alive to do it. Yayy,” she says sarcastically.
Staring into her eyes, I tell her, “I love you, baby. You’re asking me to do the impossible. Living without you will be pure hell.”
She closes her eyes tight before re-opening them. “I need you to let me go, Jagger. I have to be alone. It was wrong to bring you into my pain.”
I sigh audibly. “If this is what you need, I’ll give it to you, but I’ll be waiting for you, baby. I’ll wait a hundred fucking years if I need to.”
She lifts her hand, and then winces from the pain in her two wrapped wrists, so I place my fingers over hers.
“It’s over, Jagger. Please don’t wait. Move on without me. You are such a good man, so please, find someone that can give you everything you give to them. It doesn’t have to be so one-sided.”
The nurse shouts out, “Time’s up. The doctor said five minutes. She isn’t even supposed to have visitors.”
Leaning over her, I kiss her cheek before whispering in her ear.
“I love you, McKinley. I’ll never fucking stop. When you’re ready, find me. I’ll be waiting for you. You’re the only thing that has ever meant a damn thing to me.”
She doesn’t tell me she loves me. Her last words to me are, “Goodbye, Jagger Wild.”