Chapter 4 Mischa
Boston always feels like home. Gregor has a place in Back Bay.
The area looks more like Europe than any other part of America.
I have been here a week and I think I want to stay.
I have tried finding some new hook-ups, but I just haven’t felt that ‘click’ of their puzzle piece and mine falling into place.
I don’t mean sex feels weird. I mean I don’t vibe with them enough to get that far.
It’s the same with my old hook-ups too. I’m starting to feel bad, because they all want to jump me the moment we meet and I have to disappoint them.
I’ve been walking around just hoping to bump into someone that doesn’t bore me to tears.
I did get as far as a cute model’s bedroom, but my dick did not want to join the conversation.
Anatoly and Maxim have been stuffing me full of oysters every day in the hope of restoring my once legendary libido, but it’s not working.
I’ve decided to join a sex addict help group, because I am not coping without lots of sex.
Today Ivan and Konstantin have asked us to meet them at a Russian bathhouse for a shvitz.
They have business to discuss. There’s an out of the way place with a good reputation.
I have never heard a word of English in the place.
I love pretending I’m home there. Really home.
Like I could shower and walk out the door and see my mother again.
Gangsters have always used bathhouses – Italian, Russian, Asian. You can’t wear a wire when you steam because you’re naked and it’s wet. The masseuses here are deaf so they can’t overhear anything. There’s also a restaurant upstairs that’s insanely good. There’s only one table up there.
My brothers are probably already in the banya whipping each other with oak leaves.
I reach the changing rooms and can’t muster any energy to go in.
When I’m down like this I know it’s time to call my sister Sofie.
She’s sixteen. I’m in Massachusetts partly to be near her boarding school.
My eight other brothers and older sister come and go, but Sofie is my heart. She’s also my only blood too.
“Are you up or down?” she asks when I call.
“I’m just...”
“Good. I can’t deal with you when you’re up. Have you practiced today?”
Three hours of piano and three hours of ballet every day since we could walk, now I can play most instruments by ear. Every morning I have to get up and practice. My mind wants to stop but my body won’t let me.
“Always.”
“Have you heard from Mom and Dad?”
“They got a message to me,” I say. “They are proud of you.”
“Are they proud of you too?”
I sigh. “I hope so.”
“That was a joke, Mischa.”
She sounds like Mom.
“Yeah,” I say. “It’s almost Christmas. What do you want?”
“I want you. None of the others. Just you.”
“Not even Natasha?”
“No.”
“She’ll get jealous.”
Sofie laughs a little. “I know. Just give me Christmas Eve.”
“Okay, My Heart.”
“See you soon.”
After the call I look at my shoes. I think I can take them off now.
I get into my robe, and someone enters from the baths.
Mid twenties, handsome, tanned, gym body.
He has a towel around his waist and is drying off his hair and panting.
He goes to his locker and grabs an electrolyte drink.
His skin is red and blotchy from the sauna and he’s dripping with sweat.
As he drinks, the towel comes off his face and I see all of him.
He seems familiar. He’s a little older. I like older.
Tall, attractive, dark hair. Golden-coloring.
Sexy. Haven’t I seen him before? Who cares. Maybe he’ll do.
He nods at me. “Man, it’s so hot, I’m dying in there.”
He has that British accent too.
“Do you have a hat?” I ask, and hand him one. “You wet it and they keep your head cool.”
“Thanks,” he says.
He smiles as he takes it slowly and purposefully from my hand, looking in my eyes. Then he checks out the rest of my body. I know he likes what he sees.
He’s hot. I should like him. I’m usually down for that sort of thing, but there’s only the tiniest spark. Not enough to get me in a situation. Fuck. Something’s wrong with me. I need to get out of my head again.
Maxim comes in from the baths and looks at me from behind the guy. I rise to my feet at his silent command, and I follow him to the sauna.
“See you out there,” I say, as I pass.
The place is empty. Almost.
I pass the door to the spa where another guy is bathing.
He’s totally relaxed in the water, with his eyes closed.
What’s unusual is he’s wearing a swimming top that covers his body in a place where casual nudity is the norm.
Even so, his body is insane. My glass heart jumps a little and the electricity runs down my middle. He’s the one I want.
And then I recognize him.
No.
God no.
How?
Here?
No.
That’s impossible.
Austen?
I’m losing it.
He doesn’t see me. That guy is his bodyguard. I knew I’d seen him before. I head towards the sauna and try not to think about Austen being here. I only saw him for a moment.
In a split second, my emotional inner world changes into something unrecognizable. Reality starts to transform around me. Austen has stolen my heart, and it feels incredible. I almost feel like I have been drugged. Chemicals are charging through my bloodstream, past my bones and flooding my soul.
I feel euphoric. Delusional thoughts invade me. I sense a greater purpose to our chance meeting here; it is all to deliver him to me. He’s mine, a gift from Fate, from the Universe. Mine.
Every priority in my life is abandoned, in favor of the single goal of being with him. It all makes sense now; it’s my life’s purpose.
Hold on. This has to stop. This will get you killed.
I think of all the ways I’m going to hide this from everyone. I’ll probably just skip town with him.
He’s from Europe, we can just hide in a cabin in the Alps or something.
My mind is whirring around and around. I need to get it together. I need to go from jittery to relaxed right now, get this meeting over with, and go meet my destiny with Austen.
Gregor is in the steam room with Anatoly. Konstantin comes in and sits down too. Ivan is on his way or something.
I stand in the door and stare at the three of them.
I see my life from a distance and wonder how someone else might see it.
With our shirts on my brothers look threatening, but without them, they look deadly.
Gregor’s intricate stick-poke tattoos of demons and saints and onion dome cathedrals unfurl over his chest. Anatoly’s network of signs and symbols, cards, dice, naked women, and Madonnas.
Konstantin’s growling lions, tigers, and bears, oh my.
My moon and stars across my collarbone, my sacred heart on my chest with an eye in the middle, and my portrait of Sofie on my shoulder.
In my head I’m a kid, but outside I’m a big scary fucking man covered in Russian hooligan tattoos.
One look and he’ll wonder why he ever thought I was a nice guy. I can’t let him see, but I can’t hide my ink in front of my brothers.
“Are you going in?” Maxim grunts behind me.
I think to myself how to hide without hiding. I could go for a massage... Perfect. Cover me in foam and whack me with leaves.
I stand in the door holding it open. “Have you had a scrub yet?” I ask, and don’t wait for an answer. I gesture with my head.
“We need to talk,” Gregor says.
“Soon,” I say. “I need to clear my head. Let’s scrub, then talk, then eat.”
This is the first time I’ve ever told the others what to do, maybe ever. They are all lethargic from the heat but move slowly out the door. They throw cold water on themselves, and we make our way to the massage room.
We find Ivan along the way. We all take our tables. Konstantin puts his face down and his masseuse starts working him over, everyone else follows. They cover us with thick creamy soap. They grab bunches of oak leaves and start hitting us with them.
I can feel the love pouring in, filling up every part of me.
I thought love was just some sort of extreme lust but this is light and warm and fluffy.
When it has permeated all through me, the feeling of pure desire lifts me out of my body.
It’s my only thought. I have never experienced anything like this.
We’re almost done when someone arrives. He takes the table between me and Konstantin. I lift my head, It’s not Austen. It’s the apparently-gay bodyguard from the locker room.
Go away.
The masseuse throws a bucket of cold water on me, but it’s too late for anything that simplistic. My brothers and I head back to the sauna. Dimitri is waiting inside.
“Dad wants us to finish things off here before heading to New York. Can you hold things down at home while we’re in Boston?” Anatoly asks me.
“Of course,” I say.
I’m not needed for the rest of it. They go over everything to keep me in the loop, but my mind is miles away. He’s my everything—every tender bond a human being can have—mother, father, my newborn baby even. He’s my other half, and mine completely. Austen. My love. My heart.
“Are you even listening?” Gregor asks.
I break out of my daydream. “What?” I say.
“Obviously not,” Maxim smirks.
They look at me curiously.
The family comes first. This will get Sofie killed.
I forgot about Sofie. I can’t put her in danger. I love her. Fuck. What am I thinking? I should reach out for help before this ocean of feelings drowns me.
“He’s here,” I say. “I don’t know what to do.”
“Who?” Ivan asks. “Who is here?”
“The guy I gave your dinner to the other week. The one I liked. Oh God, it’s happening. I can’t fight it. I feel like I’m possessed.”
Anatoly rolls his eyes so hard he could give his face an injury.
“Oh for the love of…” he says, throwing his head back.
“This is kismet,” I say. “This must be fate.”
Konstantin flicks his eyes between me and Gregor. “He shows up at the restaurant, and now here?”