Chapter 7 Austen
My brother and I are waiting to board our plane.
The airport is bustling, and a cacophony of noises permeate the air from constant loudspeaker announcements to the wails of newborns.
I am trying to stand as still as possible so my body doesn’t convey the fact that I am on a razor thin edge and every tiny noise is liable to make me homicidal.
All week, my mind hasn’t belonged to me, but has instead been commandeered by a certain pushy behemoth who.
.. what? Believes we are meant to be? It’s ridiculous and yet. ..
God you’re pathetic, my brain hisses. Delusional. You’re nothing special. He’ll forget about you in two minutes. Kill yourself. Fucking die.
I grab the long cord on Billy’s jacket and follow along like a dog on a leash.
He looks back and smiles at me. I think that leaving on this trip will be good for him.
I hope it will also be the antidote to these irritating kisses that burrowed themselves into my arm after Mischa’s lips were forced on me.
I can still feel them. All warm and soft.
I have never been so relieved to clear security.
We’re flying first-class, and are offered the opportunity to settle in early.
Of course, our bodyguards Hayden and Kane are a constant shadow as we move through the airport, at the behest of my suddenly and weirdly overprotective brother.
We shouldn’t even have them. It just makes people notice us more.
It’s awkward walking past the rest of the students in the seating area.
I can’t help feeling self-conscious for flaunting our money like this, but Billy insisted, and I can’t deny that I am looking forward to the extra leg room.
I look back as we head into the plane and see a sight that stops me in my tracks.
I can see a passenger walking past the gates carrying a small backpack.
I can’t know from this distance who it is, but my instincts are screaming at me that I know exactly who the fuck that is.
It is either that, or I have officially cracked and am hallucinating.
Because I swear, that the far away figure is Mischa.
Certain. But am I that much of a narcissist to think that person walking in my direction is coming towards me?
The guy is so far away. I can’t tell with my eyes but some other part of me knows it’s him.
I could just wait. Maybe the person will stop at another gate, and I’ll realize just how conceited I am.
I watch their stride and think how lovely it is.
Good posture, but probably just my imagination.
I mean, it’s not like my mental health is good. I really am pathetic. And delusional.
The person gets closer and looks more and more like Mischa, until he really is Mischa, right in front of me, standing way too close again, and slightly breathless.
“What the actual fuck?” I say.
“I’m good friends with some of the admin girls. They agreed I should have a cultural experience, as long as I was prepared to do all my bookings myself and make a rather large donation to the school.”
“No. You can’t come.”
He smiles smugly. “It’s already been decided. I’m on the list.”
The frustrations of the past week are boiling up, scalding my insides, and I’m suddenly furious beyond all rational belief. This trip is vitally important to me and Mischa is just crashing it like it’s nothing, like he hasn’t... this whole thing hasn’t... been bothering me this whole time.
Kane and I look at each other in bewilderment. This is new territory for both of us. There’s nothing for it without causing a scene. I take some steadying breaths.
What do I care if he comes or doesn’t come? He’s nothing to me.
“Whatever,” I grit out. “See you in Australia.”
“See you on the plane.”
“We’re sitting in first class.”
“Oh well…”
“Enjoy Coach,” I snarl, and go onto the jet bridge.
I try to think what to do about this chaos vortex following me to Australia. A solution isn’t obvious. Should I just do nothing? Act like he doesn’t exist? Ignore him? After all, the problem is only that he likes me a little too much. He just needs to accept that I’m not interested and move on.
William is up front with his headphones on and drawing when I arrive in the upstairs cabin. Hayden is sitting behind him.
“Can I sit with Will?” Kane asks, flicking his hazel eyes up to mine. “I need to talk to him about a couple things.”
“Sure,” I say.
He starts to walk away and I grab his arm.
“Wait...”
“Yeah?” Kane stops.
“Please don’t mention this...”
“Oh, of course not,” he pats my shoulder like he’s my big brother, because we’ve known each other since we were little, and he is allowed to touch me. “I won’t say anything to Will. It’s just, you know, that guy is the kind of thing you really should use me for.”
“I don’t want it to sabotage the trip.”
“You seem alright with him.” Kane’s golden features light up with a smile. “Maybe a holiday fling would be good for you? He’s good-looking...”
I bristle at the thought. “But he’s so fucking out of line.”
“Alright,” he agrees. “I can scare him off... or let you deal with him, you know, until you ask for my help, if that’s what you want?”
“I don’t know.”
“What if I called you Baby in front of him?” Kane raises an eyebrow. “Show him how close we really are?”
“Oh my god,” I snigger. “That could work, but it’s risky. Maybe if he keeps bothering me after we get there. And if it looks like I’m starting to like him, slap me. Seriously, slap me.”
He pats me again. “Okay Baby, we’ll play it by ear.”
Before I have much time to think, the curtain opens and Mischa comes in. He practically jumps into the chair next to me.
“I think you’re in the wrong place,” I tell him.
Mischa leans far back in the chair. “Nope, I just bought an upgrade.”
I can’t deal with this, I won’t. I get up and go back down the stairs to speak to a flight attendant.
“You can’t buy out his seat now that he’s bought it,” she says.
“Can I buy out all of first class?” I ask.
“Only the empty seats,” she explains.
I admit defeat. I’m really mad, but I can’t let it show. I need to get control of this situation.
I go back upstairs and wait for the plane to take off. William and our bodyguards are already watching films, and Mischa is staring at me with a beguiled look on his face.
“Alright,” I tell him, “I don’t want any bullshit from you.”
“Of course not,” Mischa says, trying to fake innocence. “I will show you that I’m a perfect gentleman.”
I shake my head. “I don’t want you to show me anything.
I’m not trying to be rude, but I don’t want to deal with.
.. you, with this... I’m really unhappy with this situation.
Please stay the fuck away from me. Don’t talk to me, don’t try and sit next to me again, and please, don’t ever touch me, ever. ”
“You seemed to enjoy it the last time.”
“I did not. I hate being touched, and now I hate you too.”
“Why so combative? That was really bitchy what you said about sitting in Coach. Normally I don’t like snobs with a chip on their shoulder.”
“Normally I don’t have conversations with my stalkers.”
“Hey!” he says. “Don’t be that way. Look, I can tell you’re really angry inside…”
“And I can tell you’re an idiot.”
“There’s no need to be mean.”
“Yes there is,” I explain. “You can’t just mess with me like you do your other playthings.”
“I don’t have any other playthings, you’re not a plaything…”
I tilt my head to Kane and Hayden. “Those two men could kill you in a second if you try to pull something. And my brother is crazy. He might go berserk if you even look at me funny.”
Mischa throws his hands up in mock-surrender. “Woah there; we all have a couple psycho brothers; it’s not a good idea to turn it into a competition. You don’t need to sic your attack dogs on me. I’ll behave.”
“I just wanted to make myself clear. ”
“Crystal clear.”
“It’s never going to happen, just so you know. We clear?”
He doesn’t say anything. The plane starts to move and makes a thunderous roar as it speeds down the runway. Mischa turns himself towards me and begins singing very quietly in my ear.
“I’m sticking with you…”
“Knock it off,” I say.
“Cause I’m made out of glue,” he continues.
“I know you’re high,” I say. “Your eyes are like the moon.”
“Oh no,” Mischa says. “It’s just the love, it does this weird thing to your eyes.” He pulls down his eyelid. “Cool, right? Apparently it only happens for the first couple of weeks at most. So you’re kind of right; love is the drug and it’s wonderful.”
I look in his pupils. He goes quiet as he looks back at me. The plane lifts into the air. It seems like looking at him is the key to making him shut up. He has really pretty eyes. After a while we get above the clouds in sunshine, and a grin stretches across his face.
“Your eyes are getting all moony too.”
I break off from the stupid staring competition, and put on a movie.
He puts on the same movie. It’s really bad.
Every so often I can no longer fight the urge to look over at him.
As the sun sets, Mischa’s smile slowly disappears and he looks more and more miserable, and by dinner time he is gloomy.
“Are you coming down from the cloud?” I ask.
“A little, yeah.”
“You understand how fucked up this is, right?”
“I know,” he winces. “I know, okay? I’m not usually like this.
It’s the crazy love chemicals in my brain.
It’s usually people doing this kind of shit to me, a lot, because I’m, you know, so.
.. well... I mean... look at me,” he throws his hands up, and I want to laugh, “and I hate it. I never thought I’d be that person, but reality is hitting me hard right now.
I’m actually doubting myself and this whole thing.
I’m worried you’ll be put off by how fucking desperate I'm being.”
“I am.”
He deflates even more. “And the past couple hours have been so awkward...”
“So awkward...” I roll my eyes. “You’re such an ass. So immature.”
“I don’t know why, but I felt like if I didn’t come with you I’d lose you forever. Like it was my one and only shot in this life.”
He’s not wrong. Poor bastard.
“You can’t lose me. You never had me.”
“I feel possessed, and this is a lucid moment, like the eye of the storm or something. I just didn’t think it all the way through, but I’m not crazy. If you knew what my life has been, you’d understand why I leave nothing to chance.”
I laugh at him. Really laugh. “This bullshit ruins even a snowball’s chance in Hell. This is a perfect way to make someone hate you.”
“Maybe, but at least I can say I tried.”
“I’ll be sure to carve that on your tombstone.”
“So I’m delusional? Ugh.”
“You do seem kind of... manic?”
He steals a furtive glance at me. “Maybe...”
“Oh shit, you are?”
“Well...”
“Medicated?”
“Yeah,” he sighs.
That makes me feel a lot less guilty.
“Okay,” I say, trying to not freak out. “Please take some of your pills, and try to calm your thoughts.”
“I don’t think I’m actually manic though...”
“You absolutely are.”
“I mean, it’s time to take them anyway,” he huffs, and gets a bottle of pills from his bag, and knocks on back without water.
“Thank you.”
“Fuck,” he says, after staring into space for a few moments. “Now I’m stuck on some stupid trip and hate myself right now. Reality plus fantasy usually equals nightmare. I literally want the earth to swallow me, I’m so horrified with myself.”
He buries his head in his hands. I look at him with pity. I think of the journey ahead, and know I need to keep this guy under control, and to do that, I have to be nice.
“Well, this trip is very very very important to me,” I tell him, “so let’s just have a truce, alright?
I hate you, but I really don’t like conflict, and I need things to go well for my brother.
I need to give him this. Once we get off this plane, we’ll never have to talk again, but we can at least be civil for now. ”
“Okay,” he agrees, but still looks sad.
An uneasy peace settles over us. For the rest of the night we talk about movies and books, all the while dancing around our uncomfortable situation.
He’s funny. He makes me laugh. Asshole. The flight attendant brings us sparkling wine and it gives us the giggles.
Kane walks past and is surprised to see Mischa, and presses his lips together, trying not to smile.
This has to stop. Mischa’s pinkie finger returns gently on the side of my arm.
He watches me like a hawk until they dim the lights to sleep.
I see him when I wake up, still watching.