CHAPTER THREE — STEPHANIE
I sit in the car twiddling my thumbs, literally. I didn't know that was a thing people actually did until now.
My heart is racing almost as fast as my mind. I'm trying to make sense of the jumble of emotions swirling in my stomach.
I feel so many things: anger, confusion, sadness, pride. Euphoric, slightly intoxicated, horny, and worst of all, maybe slightly in love. And of all my feelings, that's the worst one, love. Because it's with the jackass who just started a fight.
In fact, a lot of my emotions right now are directed towards David. Definitely anger. I'm angry that he would attack Philip like that for no reason.
Also, confusion. Why does he care so much? I mean, he was the one who rejected me earlier this evening. He was the one who brought a different woman to the club, and now he's attacking Philip? It makes no sense.
I want to think it's because he's jealous and because he wants me, but I'm afraid that's just wishful thinking on my part. His actions have said the opposite. For all I know, he's angry at Philip because, actually, I don't know. Maybe because he gets angry when he drinks or something.
I glance at Philip, who's looking at me.
"Are you okay?" he asks.
I nod.
"Okay, let me know if you need anything."
He rests a hand on my thigh, not in a sexual way, but a comforting way, as he starts up the car.
I look at him and feel a pang of attraction hit me.
Even though I'm in love with David, Philip is hot too, and he's doing that one-handed driving thing right now that just drives me insane.
He's also shirtless, and it's not a bad visual.
He has a six-pack that's currently covered in sweat and blood.
Blood. That triggers another emotion, guilt. Somehow, I feel like this is my fault.
"I'm sorry," I whisper as Philip starts driving.
"What?" he asks, looking at me. "What are you sorry for?"
"For what just happened."
He squeezes my leg.
"You have absolutely nothing to apologize for, Stephanie," he says. "This isn't on you. This is all on David. That man has issues."
I gulp and nod.
"I know you care about him," Philip says, glancing at me again. "Love him, even."
I glance out the window, cheeks burning. How is Philip this good at reading me? Am I that transparent, or is he just really perceptive?
"But he's dangerous, Stephanie. As your friend, I want you to be careful, okay? If there's anything I can do to help, let me know."
"Thanks," I say.
Rationally, I know Philip is right. I should probably move out. The dynamic between David and me is messed up, obviously.
I mean, we're kind of in this arrangement now where I pay less rent in exchange for sexual favors. But it's hard to say how much of that is actually an arrangement, or is just a pretense for David and me both doing exactly what we want to do, which is use each other in depraved ways.
At first, it was a bit of a game, and I'll admit, it still is in a way. I tried to record him to blackmail him, and then he flipped it around on me. In fact, so much went down that I hardly remember any of it anymore.
All I know is that David was the first man who could handle my little games. Most men fold. I know I shouldn't play them, I shouldn't test men like that. But what can I say? It's how I am. Or at least how I've been.
David was the first man who was able to handle it, and that turned me on.
It also made things escalate because both of us are stubborn and neither of us wanted to give in.
Ultimately, I think that's why we ended up where we ended up tonight, with two men shirtless and covered in blood, while I watch on the sidelines wearing their shirts.
The entire thing is absurd, and I'll admit, that makes it kind of exciting too.
That's the thing Philip doesn't get: while David is fucked up, and I know that, I'm fucked up too. I think Philip has just seen the sweet side of me, but I have my own issues.
"It's kind of my fault too," I say. "I egged him on."
"No, no, no," Philip says. "Don't say that."
"I did," I say, sighing. "You know the whole reduced rent in exchange for me doing things scenario?"
Philip looks at me and nods.
"Well, that was kind of my idea," I continue. "I orchestrated it to get leverage. He was going to maybe kick me out, and I mean, I was into him, sexually at least, attracted to him, and it seemed like a fun game."
Philip raises his eyebrows. I blush, but not in a fun, sexy way. I'm actually embarrassed. Philip is actually a good person, ethical, transparent. Even though he sleeps around, he's honest with everybody about it, and he's always been honest and transparent with me.
Meanwhile, I've played games with all of the men I've dated, except for Philip. I feel ashamed admitting this.
"Okay," Philip says slowly. "Do you want to tell me more?"
"Sure," I say, breathing out. "Well, when it started, it was kind of fun. We were both locked in this game with each other. But then it escalated, and somewhere along the line, I fell for him."
I look down at my hands.
"It's okay, Stephanie," Philip says quietly. "Things happen, people change. I still think you're a good person. I mean, you know you and I aren't a match."
"Neither of us thinks that," I say, nodding.
"But I still want you to be happy," Philip says. "And if that's with David, okay. But the most important thing is that you're safe. Do you feel safe?"
I nod.
"Despite what happened tonight, I know David would never do anything like that to me.
He's never made me feel unsafe in the least. In fact, and I hate to even admit this, it was kind of hot watching him fight you, which makes me feel like a terrible person.
I feel terrible for even having this thought.
It's wrong, because I don't want you to get hurt.
I like you. I'm attracted to you. You didn't deserve this.
"But still, it was hot. You're right, we're not a match, and there's a lot of reasons for that, but I think one of the main ones is that you just don't create that fire in me that David does, that passionate, can't live without you, need you more than I need air kind of feeling.
"And it's hard to say what creates that exactly, but I think the fact that you're not jealous adds to it.
Seeing David's possessiveness, that look in his eyes, like he was ready to fight to the death to claim me.
God, I haven't felt anything like that. I hate that I feel this way, but I'd be lying to myself if I said I didn't."
"Okay," Philip says. "I trust you, but just know that if you ever don't feel safe, you can always come to me, okay?"
I nod.
"Thanks."
Philip nods.
I like that he respects me enough to trust my decision-making. I glance at the road ahead. We're approaching Sherbourne Street and North Road. If Philip turns left, that'll go to his house, and if he turns right, it'll lead to mine. He turns on his left blinker.
"Wait," I say. "Can you drop me off at home?"
He looks at me.
"Are you sure? I'm going to have to go home. I can't come in with you. I need to get up early tomorrow."
I nod.
"Yeah, I want you to drop me off."
He looks at me for one more second.
"I'm sure," I say.
"Okay," he says, and turns on the right blinker.
I take a deep breath. I'm scared, not scared for my safety, but scared that I'm walking into the unknown right now. I don't know what compelled me to get Philip to drop me off at home. Is it that I love chaos, drama, or something else? I don't know.
I'm just going based on instincts right now. And what my gut told me was I want to see David.
Tonight.