Chapter Forty-Nine
I STOOD ON THE ROOF, GLOWERING at the stars.
Freedom.
I’d wanted it for twenty years, but standing on the edge of it now, I wasn’t sure I would survive it.
Down below, the lights in the pavilion where I’d put Rook turned off, revealing she’d finally gone to sleep. A streak of ebony loped from her courtyard, returning to me after spending most of the night at her side.
I’d come up here the moment my pain had receded.
I’d stalked her from afar—watching as her friend left, Whisper visited, and I stayed alone in the dark.
I should be asleep and preparing for tomorrow but...I couldn’t stop thinking about her.
Couldn’t stop replaying the feel of her breast in my hand—the delicious fullness that didn’t feel like anything else.
I hurt.
But this time it was her fault, not the vitalsync core.
I could barely stay upright without clutching the parapet, thanks to heavily repressed urges surging past all my walls.
Ever since I’d hit puberty, I’d shut down any spark of sexuality.
I’d refused to touch myself when my body made it abundantly clear it needed a release.
I never watched the pornography that Marcus loaded on my tablet.
And even skimmed past erotic scenes in books—not giving myself any chance to fuck up by giving in.
The longer I smothered those needs, the easier it was to pretend I didn’t have them.
Not one of the girls they gave me interested me.
I hadn’t found a single one of them attractive.
Until her.
She’d caused something to crack open inside me, and a monster had crawled out.
I should feel guilt for touching her without her consent.
I didn’t.
I should be disgusted that I’d kissed her with my blood.
I wasn’t.
I was hungry.
Fucking feral to finish what I’d never started. To abandon the only control I’d ever had and finally be with someone.
Which was why I was officially done with all of this.
Tomorrow, it would all be over.
No more death or pain or blood.
I would be free—
The door creaked open behind me. The soft thuds of predator paws.
Choking on rabid craving, I muttered, “You’re finally back, you traitor.”
The sleek panther came to my side and snorted.
Catching his golden eyes as the moon shone in them, I did my best to stand tall and ignore the tangled mess my body had become. “Abandoned me to hang out with your new friend, huh?”
A pang of jealousy.
Fuck, I was jealous.
Of a cat.
Because he’d gotten to be with her when I couldn’t.
My temper simmered, even at my best friend.
He cocked his head, the tips of his fangs showing as if he took offence to my tone.
Turning back to the flaming world below, I peered past all the torches and braziers, wishing I could see through walls and watch Rook sleep.
Whisper stood up on two legs, digging his claws into the parapet. His whiskers flared as if he scented her on the breeze, a sharp longing in his eyes that made my gut clench.
I recognised that longing.
It crippled me too.
Yet another emotion caused by her.
It was getting crowded inside me and I had no idea how much longer I could cope.
But all these fantasies and all these needs might die a miserable death tomorrow because I was about to make her do something she’d probably never forgive me for.
And once it was all over, she’d probably want nothing to do with me.
But even that couldn’t stop me.
Not now.
Not when I was so close to ending it all.